19 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist

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39 thoughts on “19 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist

  1. Sharon says:

    who do you report your abusive husband , his lawyers, and your lawyers for forging your name on motion letting your narc husband have control of all assets, then going into deliberate debt, so he doesn’t have to give me a settlement. My lawyer helping him, telling me in the beginning my husband is going to pay his bill , now suing me for his bill because I won’t drop the forged motion. Using old deeds for our property, selling companies saying they are closed. He told me he was going to make me disappear or make me homeless.I’m 64, can’t get any help.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      You need to find a lawyer who is experienced with narcissism and high conflict divorce. And you may want to look into filing bankruptcy at some point. It might give you the clean slate and fresh start you need. Im so sorry for all your going through! Thats terrible!

    2. marguerite says:

      Oh Sharon, I went through 5attorneys during my divorce. My ex had the best attorney in the state and my attorneys all did nothing when he sold multi real estate holdings and business and with my forged signature. I found that my attorneys were worse than the lying ex. It’s been 8 years since my divorce and 2 years ago the ex sued me in court for half a million “he GAVE me too much”. Thankfully, I got that one dismisses and finally got him to sign a release t h at he longer has the right to take me back to court. All I can say is don’t trust your attorney and good luck to you, so sorry.

      1. Melissa says:

        How did you get a release?

    3. ILeftHim says:

      Oh My Sharon….have you received any help yet?

    4. Debra says:

      Sharon I hope things are better for you—how are you now?

  2. Kelli says:

    I am so glad that I read this post! I am amazed that there are so many men that are just like my husband! Shocking! Out of everything I think the part about watching tv with him struck me the hardest. I HATE watching anything with my husband. His constant criticism is overwhelming. I like to refer to him as The Black Hole. Thank you for sharing your experiences!

    1. Jasmine says:

      I so understand where you are coming from. I refuse to watch the News with my husband because he does nothing but put people down and call them useless or pathetic. It makes me sick inside.

    2. ILeftHim says:

      Yes. I have never met anyone like my ex but I never realized that there were so many people ..men out there like him!

      1. Debra says:

        I love your comment name “I left him” 🙂

    3. Kim McCulley says:

      Same here Kelli, he tells me to sit with him and watch television with him. First of all, I don’t like his shows. But most importantly, he talks through the whole thing criticizing me.

      I started mirroring him and he does not like it. I just say “ok dear” “yes, your right dear”. He just gets upset then quiet.

      I love when he’s working.

      Sincerely,
      Kim McCulley

  3. Judy says:

    I am trying to subscribe to this blog and it keeps saying error..Can you add me please?

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      HI Judy! Ill see what I can do. Still learning this blogging thing. 🙂

  4. Debra says:

    I am almost 60… apart/divorced from my ex N 16 years. He chose to begin legal attacks on me and our children in 2007. He told me years ago (1996) that he would never lose a battle to me as I was a woman. I thought, naively, that he would leave me alone. He has not. He uses our children as tools to his end…. and as one of the children is a special needs young adult…. he claimed in court that I didn’t give her enough freedom… and got the court to appoint a guardian who allows her NO freedom. No investigation or allegations against me by APS… and yet the guardian denies my daughter the right to see me unsupervised. I have seen her one time in 2015. I suspect what the ex N did was pretend (with his attorney) to sign away his rights to her… but never did. Like he is some kind of silent guardian still…. pulling all the strings without even the court’s knowledge. Our daughter has had a psychotic break after a week in his home. And what do the courts and attorneys say? They claim that my ex N and I are always fighting in court. Truth? The only time I ever filed with when he went in arrears $30k in child support in attempt to force me into foreclosure on my home which he refuses to deed over to me as per our divorce settlement; so yes, if I lose the house he can reclaim it to “protect” his credit. I try to keep the promise all mothers make to their little babies… to protect her. That is what mothers do. I know someday I will be free, but for today and all foreseeable days …. I am struggling emotionally.

  5. RChap says:

    Wow. I’m reading about my own marriage. I’m ready for divorce. Like yesterday. But I’m so afraid of my 2 boys having to live with their father without me to protect them. He’s emotionally abusive to them as well. I’m so afraid to leave just for their sake of being afraid to be with him. They would be devastated and that would devastate me, as their mother.

    1. elanglois60 says:

      I just found this sight and have to say my husband falls into every category. The only differences I see is that I handle finances (accounting is my profession and he works off shore). He buys stuff for himself but also for me and my daughter (makes him appear to be the giving one to friends and family). His “spoiling” of me is so he can use it against me when we fight which is constant. My few friends that witness me when he is home and gone tell me I am 2 different people. I have stayed for 20 years because of the fear of him having our daughter for visitation where I couldn’t protect her. Now that she will be heading to dorm life next year, I am rethinking how to continue…I can’t imagine having to hear him revert all conversation back to himself 24/7. He is now on the “moving” phase in order to be happy. Time to start planning my way out…? He refuses to even consider he has a problem. Happy to find a place to “talk” so I don’t run away the few friends I have. NOTE: In 20 years of marriage we have made no joint friends to be with. That is giant red flag. Enough for today.

      1. Miss K says:

        I just happened upon this site and this is my life!

    2. Jessica says:

      RChap,
      I’m in the midst of a divorce from a narcissist and I felt the way you do, so I understand. I started to feel so crazy when dealing with my husband that I was afraid it would affect how great of a mother I am. I couldn’t bear to think of them without me. I have to say that fear has subsided. He’s being on his best behavior during this divorce. He’s being Disneyland Daddy. I have my kids in counseling and I am in counseling and other support groups. It’s helps TREMENDOUSLY! My life is finally starting to feel like my own. This blog depicts my entire marriage. It was unreal to read because it explains my feelings to a T!!

    3. Bee says:

      It’s the same, exactly the same. I worry that to follow through leaving (should it go smoothly which would be a lot to ask) that my two boys would have to spend time with him and that would be heartbreaking for them. I would feel that I’ve betrayed them. He’s told me that if I leave with the boys a) they will never see him again (they do love their father, whilst being aware of all his many faults) or b) he will camp on our door and if I feel like my life is hell now he will really make it hell!
      How do you escape someone like this?

  6. The courts are the perfect playground for a narcissist. They use them to punish you and lie through their teeth. Don’t fall into it. Do a complete shut-down on the narc. No texts, no trying to be reasonable, no contact of any kind. Believe me, they will get angry when you do this, really angry. Be sure you’re safe. Hire a good lawyer and take them for whatever you can get…and then MOVE ON. Yes, I understand that you were married for 30 years (or whatever) and that legally he should pay you, but guess what? It’s NOT worth it! Get a job at 60 years old, move and don’t tell him where you are, change your name. It’s the only way to escape. (If you’re reading yourself in this message, I’m talking about my circumstances, not yours–we all have a similar experience with narcs–so we see ourselves in this abuse)

  7. Dave Acommenter says:

    To the moms who are concerned about children subject to ‘care’ from a narcissist . . . if you are able, as a part of your preparations, prior to or in conjunction with finding a lawyer, find a mental health care provider who can help you become strong and understand what you will be facing. If possible, get the provider to write that they believe the narcissist needs evaluation. Later on, have the lawyer use this to have the court order the narcissist into an evaluation by aa ‘neutral’ mental health professional. Some will not even go, some will go and exhibit recognizable patterns, some will say the ‘right’ things, get over on the professional, and be all the more angry with you. At your first meeting with your lawyer, determine if rhey are the kind of person who will understand dealing with other-than-normal spouses; if not, keep looking.

  8. I have to second what Dave says. I told my attorney he was a narcissist. She didn’t believe me at first. Then she started working with him. I told her–he’s going to do this, and then he’s going to do that. And he did. It just drives up attorney costs–which is another way they manipulate you–especially if you have children. No attorney=no win (or even cooperation). Really, break with this person and run for your life if you can–it’s the ONLY way to be free. Make sure you make your own money, make sure you DO NOT ever speak with them again.

  9. Bri says:

    This is my husband to a “T” we have been married for about a year and a half, we have a 5 month old and I have a 5 and 3 yr old from a previous relationship, and for that he reminds me of almost daily, how I came in with 2 kids and destroyed his life, I am the messed up person. No one would trust someone who has already had a failed relationship. Maybe I was stupid dating so soon, I trusted him, I met him at church of all places. Made himself seem so loving, caring, godfearing, trusting, and loved kids. Now Ihave found he is anything but those things. I am now a stay at home mom, I did work before our son was born but then after me not wanting to leave him alone with the kids, he also saw not having to work around my schedule made life easier, and him working more, kept him away from home e responsibilities and he made twice as much as I do. Oh which he reminds me every time I need groceries how it is his money. He eats out daily, gets himself good food and expects me and the kids to live like we are almost homeless. We get plenty of help from family ND church but without he would happily be okay with never allowing his almost maybe $30/week for food if that.. for a family of 5. Which includes my middle son and I who have allergies to milk so finding nutrients elsewere can cost more. I am miserable everyday. Even his good days I know won’t last but also I feel I have to play along act happy, act like it’s okay or he will get angry and hurtful emotionally towards me and my kids. He uses them against me, and puts me down in front of them, reminds me that it’s my fault. Even when he gets way out of line, and admits it later, I made him angry, he always finds a reason to make it okay, it could have been worse, he didn’t hit me, or I pushed him. Yesterday he got angry at me because I took 15 minutes to hurtle my 3 kids alone under 5 out of church alone, without any help, which I got stopped because I am a teacher a person in my class had a question. In cold weather he locked my kids out of the car refusing to help while he played on him phone, till I got to the car (kids can usually get themselves in the car just need help buckling) till I got to the car a whole building away. Because I didn’t come the second he called. But he is late to everything. Idk if it feels I have been holding this in. My own family thinks he walks on water. I am scared to Leave, and scared to stay. He has ranked up our debt, I have no job or way to get a job, and he checks the account daily to make sure I don’t spend money. For now I wait I guess. Sad, but it feels nice I am not alone.

  10. Kate says:

    This is my husband as well. We’ve been together for 9 years, married for 3. We have 3 kids: 8 yrs, 4 yrs, & 8 months. I consider divorce all the time. Does anyone have a success story where the narcissist turned from his nasty ways?? I love my husband & the life we’ve created. I believe with God, all things are possible!

  11. Tasha says:

    I couldn’t stop crying… Thank you for sharing, this was my world, feels good to know that I’m not alone

  12. Karen says:

    I am the mom of a son who is married to a narcissist. She has not allowed my son to see us in 5 years. They have a 3 year old daughter who we have never met. And of course everything is all our fault. I wish I could find help for myself as every day is a struggle for me. We had such a close relationship with our son. This hurts more then life itself. Everyone tells me that he will see the light and we need to be patient. I try everyday to kept my faith that GOD will keep him and our granddaughter safe and that one day he will come home. Pray for us!

  13. Kristin says:

    Im so happy I found this blog! Ive been with my narc for almost 11 years. We meet when we were 17 and 19. Married 6 years ago and have 4 kids ( &,5,2.5 and 1). I filed for divorce in Jan. Things have been so rough the last few years. I havent had a chance to go to school so I can get a good paying job but I do have 2 part-time jobs now. Im not making much money and I always feel like nothing I do is enough. We have both been unfaithful….the back story is awful. We still live together and take care of the kids….its very hard. Im over everything and dont bring up the past but he does all the time. Anyways. Glad to know I found others but sad we are going through this. <3

    1. Alive1961 says:

      I believe this time i may have actually broke free from my narc. He is trying hard to real me back in but this time i am too tried and exhausted to care any more. I am moving i
      On!

  14. Kandice says:

    Wow…so thankful to stumble on this site. I have been married to a narcissistic sociopath for just over 20 years. I didn’t even know what that really meant until yesterday. I seriously want to send in a picture of my husband to be used for the description of this condition. The good news is he left yesterday. The bad news is he left the kids and I with an overdrawn bank account. But I am at such peace with him out of the house, I know every struggle that I face as I go through this will be so totally worth it. Thank you for sharing your story and giving us a forum to vent where everyone understands this crazy miserable life!!

  15. Afoona says:

    It is a shock, and a gift, and a painful stab to realize how scripted my life has been by my marriage to a narcissist, how not-alone I’ve been in what I have experienced and felt and even in who I am.

    A psychologist suggested I look at “compensatory narcissism” when I described my husband. I’ve just discovered “empath” as well (though I knew I was an INFP). I was incapacitated by years with my narcissist, by the confusion, the internal stress – feeling as if my head were the planet and it was cracking/wrenching in two, sobbing defeated on the floor, or crying strangled tears in an endless silent stream for hours (days) after the most recent round of self-immolation by false apologies given and false guilt accepted, swallowed. My character has been dismantled and assassinated over and over again.

    I ended up on Prozac when I realized my devastating fatigue was not severe anemia as I had thought. Within weeks I had one screaming-clear picture: GET OUT! GET OUT! I realized my daughters, the ones I stayed in the marriage for, were being harmed. We were all being harmed. I didn’t yet have a grasp on what IT was. Was IT abuse? I just acted. It’s like God lifted me with his own hand. Husband went away on work. I transferred tens of thousands of dollars from the bank to a private account and I rented an apartment for 15 months in advance pre-paid. I hardly knew what I was doing. When we were safely out of that horrid house I had a moment when it suddenly came together and I grasped it. I was abused. Like others here, I had a previous marriage that ended in choking, head-smashing violence. Without the physical abuse, I didn’t realize it was abuse. I’m just beginning the process of putting all the pieces together, of figuring it out. This blog is startlingly my story. Our story. All of us. So many of us.

    Thank you for putting this out there, for describing it so well, and for bring us out of the isolating hell of abuse that doesn’t look like abuse. My kids and I have scars of medical abuse from my husband who blocked us from obtaining medical care, injected lidocaine and “set” my grossly dislocated big toe himself (like an appendage of wood now), didn’t give me an antibiotic until (pneumonia?) I was coughing up tiny white rocks and thought I might die, my daughter who at age 5 was led around with a broken arm, to the ice-cream parlor and to the farm, because, in his words, “I don’t know that it’s broken” even though I KNEW! I KNEW! My shoulder is warped by the rotator cuff tears he didn’t diagnose, “You didn’t tear it,” he said, and so it got neglected. My other daughter suffered immeasurable stomach pain from eating salmon that was raw in the middle because that narcissist was tearing down my brother to me on the phone and I was crying while I was grilling it, and then he wouldn’t let me get care for her! And I didn’t. She’s still not the same. She still has stomach pain. Others suffered and paid the price for my choices… my young adult daughter from a previous marriage… And I am so sorry. I am so sorry for what I allowed, for what I did not do, for what I did not see. We moved from a 5000sf house in the country to a 500sf apartment in the city, and it is a haven, a home. The money’s gone and I can’t even take the highway for the tolls. He’s evading being served and won’t pay any support. I’m 10 years out of work and going back to school, hoping I can get it together. Stay sane. Stay afloat.

    Sadly… I miss him. So exciting. So charming. Even vanity suffers without him. He was the fascinating one. He was my veneer of respectability. Poor brilliant, wounded, twisted, toxic, evil him. Last chance I had I offered to reconcile, if he’d finally agree to family therapy. He demurred. Lucky, lucky, lucky me.

    1. Jennifer says:

      I left my 11 year marriage to my narccisist husband in June. As I read this blog and all of the comments, it feels so reassuring I’m not alone. They really should have support groups for women like us. My head was so muddled with confusion for so many years, I’m struggling to find myself again. Some days are okay and some are just awful. I try and hold it all together for the kids. I am like you, living in a small condo….left behind a big beautiful coastal home. He’s cut off support and continues to manipulate me. He’s been so awful to me and my children yet the fucked up thing is I miss him terribly

  16. Amy says:

    I’m currently going through a divorce. My ex is a narcissist and he has done everything possible to try to smear me and make my life difficult. He took all of the money out of our savings and has not provided any financial support. We have two daughters and over the summer they were with me over 90% of the time. Now we share 50/50 custody. I am sad for my daughters especially when they are with him for long stretches because I am not there to be that buffer for them. Like you, I know I am a good person and I will not sink to his level of deceitfulness or flat out nastiness. I struggle weekly to make ends meet but I have not for once second regreted the decision to divorce him. Thank you for your blog.

  17. Carol says:

    All 19 attributes apply to my soon to be ex but #14. He just wasn’t a vengeful or mean person. Just selfishly stupid. However, while my 1st husband was passive aggressive and not a narcissist our divorce was nasty. One of the BIGGEST mistakes I see women make is leaving and not taking care of their finances with a PLAN before they walk out that door. Ladies, long before you leave start making copies of bank statements, get copies of his check stubs, anything and everything. Do NOT let him know you are leaving. Take your kids but stay geographically close enough that the kids stay in the same school and he is close enough for shared parenting. Funnel money away for months before you go. Cash! If you need a place to hide it open a safe deposit box and put your money in there along with your jewelry and any other valuables you want. If you own a business together take a copy of the financials with you. Get copies of the last 5 years tax returns. Most of the time we just launch out and don’t even think about the outcome of our actions and end up paying a hefty price. If you have a savings account take HALF the money – do not play dirty. If it is a lower amount – take it in cash and put it in that safety deposit box. Open a new account at a DIFFERENT bank and put that info in said box. Pictures, furniture, memorabilia, if you can afford it rent a storage locker and put the info in the safety deposit box. Then when you get everything in a row – LEAVE. If you have kids, let him know where you and they are (if safety is not an issue). Work out a visitation schedule that is FAIR. If your kids have passports – TAKE THEM to the box with their birth certificates and social security cards. You have to be smart and you need time to think all this through.

    1. Jane says:

      we have hundreds of thousands in the bank. If
      I take half the feds will be notified!

  18. Melissa says:

    Have u ever found anything to help the children who have a narc parent?

  19. Fed Up says:

    Wish I had learned about narcissists before. I was married to one for 7 years. I just thought he was simply being selfish, but so much that I am learning about narcissists proves that he is one. Before we married, he was so kind and charming to me. We dated for about a year and a half before we got married. Might I mention that he didn’t buy me an engagement ring, he didn’t believe in them. In fact, he never bought me any jewelry while we were together. We bought a house which was deeded in my name because he was self-employed and really had no credit. He renovated the house, and did all the physical labor on it. There were several months over the years that we were together that he did not have work, so I supported us. I have a pretty decent job, and I am sure that was part of my appeal to him. I thoroughly believe he used me. Pretty much anything he ever wanted, he got. All kinds of toys, and nothing was ever enough. Everything he bought, he had to redo it. He never believed anything was built or made as well as he could make it, so he was always “upgrading” everything. He was extremely controlling, not even wanting me to decorate the walls of our house because he would never “approve” anything that I bought to decorate with. Then, after a couple of years of us being married I adopted a cat. My previous cat had died right before we got married, and I really missed her companionship. At first, he tried to pretend that he liked the cat. Then, he constantly complained about everything she did, and became jealous of her. At one point he threatened to throw her out of the house if I didn’t get rid of her. I took her and left that night. The next morning he called me, crying and begging me to come back. He apologized and said that he loved me and would try to love the cat. Dumb me fell for it and went back. It didn’t take long for his true self to shine through again. Explosive outbursts, yelling, screaming, cursing, acting like a crazy person. Then the drinking got worse and even though he was never overly affectionate with me, all affection and companionship stopped. For the last couple of years that we were married, he would stay outside in his garage, on the golf cart, or in the winter in his truck with it running so he could have heat and listen to the radio, drinking at night until he knew I had gone to bed. Then he would come into the house and sit and watch TV alone until 2, 3 am. Being self employed, he could make his own schedule and often slept until lunch the next day. Of course, anytime I complained, he blamed everything on the cat, then me, such as I had cut my hair and he said he hated it. I truly believe he hated himself and everyone else. He was obsessed with the cat and constantly asked me to get rid of her. He actually tells other people about the cat all the time. I know they think he is crazy, which he is. The next part is unbelievable but I swear it is true. He provoked the cat into attacking him on a few occasions so he could use that as a reason for me to leave. He knew I would not give her up, so the next move for me would be to leave. All I can say is Thank God I did leave. I am struggling to put my life back together. He seems to be perfectly happy, because he now has everything he wants. A house just the way he wants it, with no one or nothing to get in his way. Can’t wait for us to be divorced, and now that I know about narcissism I am going to study up on it so I will be sure to recognize the signs in the future.

  20. Joe Q. Smith says:

    “He” can be “she” but the word “They” should be used to avoid any stereotypes.

  21. Alive1961 says:

    OMG Thank you for the reminder on how they like to start fights that are your problem and fault. I see one coming on now. It’s all my fault he did not stop for the night and relax at his favorite watering hole. Yet when suggested he go somewhere else to relax and unwind he picked a rest area. Lol lol lol. Fine with me cuz I would have had to flip the bill.

  22. Alive1961 or Alive! says:

    Hi I entered some other posts but forgot to check the boxes that I was interested in being notified of comments and posts. If you could add that to them I would be greatful. I really needed these emails tonite.A refresher and reminder of who I am what I am going through and that I am not alone.

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