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45 Lies a Narcissist Tells to Control You

A narcissist by definition, needs you more than you need them. They feed off of our admiration, and baring that, simply our attention, good or bad. However, this is their number one fear, that we will realize how little they actually give back to us, gather our OWN self confidence, and leave them. Therefore, they will say or do anything, ANYTHING,  to make you change your mind and stay in the relationship. There are a number of signs controlling relationship, here are some phrases you may be hearing on a regular basis.

SIGNS Controlling Relationship:SIGNS CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP

  1. I Will Change (or I HAVE changed).
  2. You’re Overreacting.
  3. I have NEVER cheated on you (or I’m a faithful husband).
  4. You’re acting crazy.
  5. You will never be anything without me.
  6. If you wouldn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t do ________ (or As long as you don’t do ____ I wont do ______).
  7. You should just do what I asked and then we wouldn’t have a problem.
  8. Why are you doing it like that? That makes no sense.
  9. If you were home all day, why isn’t _______ done? What did you do all day?
  10. I give you everything.
  11. All you ever do is ask for stuff (or “all I ever hear is ‘I want, I want, I want'”).
  12. Don’t you love me?
  13. Every other wife/mother does ______ ,except you.
  14. You’re lazy!
  15. I hate you!
  16. You don’t realize how lucky you are.
  17. I’m doing this for your own good.
  18. You’re too weak to be alone.
  19. I make more money than you so you don’t need to work.
  20. You’re too fat. (or more subtly, maybe you should go on a diet/ go to the gym/ not eat that).
  21. Quit whining.
  22. Another woman would treat me better.
  23. (My ex) used to do _____ for me but you don’t.
  24. You don’t do anything right!
  25. I always have to do everything!
  26. You don’t communicate.
  27. You don’t give me any affection.
  28. I don’t feel like you love me anymore.
  29. You’re pathetic.
  30. I can’t believe how worthless you are, I carry this family!
  31. I’m sorry, but _______.
  32. You would be so much more attractive if _______.
  33. The only reason anyone would be with you is for sex.
  34. You don’t want me to be happy.
  35. If you leave Ill tell people_______.
  36. If you leave you will never see the kids again.
  37. How could you think about walking out on me and the kids?!
  38. You’re destroying this family!
  39. If you leave, Ill hurt myself and it will be your fault.
  40. No one else will love you.
  41. Other people don’t like you, good thing you have me!
  42. No one else is bothered by _______, whats your problem?
  43. (Name of someone close to you)____ always lets you down, why do you spend so much time with them?
  44. I feel like you’re ignoring me.
  45. ________________________. (Nothing at all, silence and ignoring you is a form of control)

Obviously, some of these could be perfectly innocent and genuine. Sometimes you do need to tell someone when you feel your being ignored or if they hurt you. But, the overall picture should be taken into account and you should realize that an atmosphere of criticism and anxiety about displeasing them is not normal or healthy in a relationship. These phrases are used often to gain and keep control between partners and are serious signs controlling relationship.

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16 thoughts on “45 Lies a Narcissist Tells to Control You…

  1. she says:

    If I may add to this list:
    – Calls you names like “touchless” when you won’t have sex when he demands you too.
    – Considers “supporting” you as in carrying the family financially rather than supporting you as in emotionally.
    – Or if they were given the choice to stand and confront the issues or never speak to you at all. He chooses to never speak to you at all. Ever.

    1. Kim says:

      You mentioned emotional support. I realize now that can never happen in any form, not even on the smallest scale. He caught me crying after coming out of my daughters room. She has been suffering from severe depression and it hits her hard sometimes. He asked why I was crying and I said its nothing. I’m fine. But he insisted on knowing, so I said while sobbing “Sally isn’t doing very well. As a parent, It’s hard to see her this way and not be able to fix it “. His response? without looking at me, turn up the football game on TV. That’s it… I wish I were not still shocked by this behavior. I wish it didn’t hurt. I wish he would take the out, when I say it’s nothing. But he wanted to know. Maybe he takes the information and stores it for later. I really don’t know. It’s perplexing and mindnumbing really. Maybe I am naïve, but I’d like to believe that a normal person would at least touch your shoulder, say “sorry to hear that, how can I help” or just give a courtesy nod to acknowledge you heard me.. my god, it’s just abnormal

      1. she says:

        It is abnormal…These people aren’t human and are just the cruelest that they can come.

        1. Dan says:

          hunter warriors from old

      2. KK says:

        I HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME BOAT WITH MY FIANCE OF ALMOST 7 YEARS…THE FIRST FEW YEARS WERE NOT AS BAD AS THESE LAST 3. WE HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD TOGETHER, TWINS GIRLS THAT ARE 6 MONTHS OLD, AND MY OLDEST SON WHO IS 10 (MY FIANCE HAS RAISED HIM SINCE HE WAS 3). THE LAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN SO BAD…IM STUCK IN THE GAME AND DONT KNOW HOW TO BITE MY TONGUE AND STICK IT OUT FOR MY KIDS SAKE. HE CHEATED ON ME 2 YEARS AGO AND HAS BEEN CAUGHT “TALKING” TO SEVERAL WOMEN SINCE THEN, BUT FAMOUS LINE “IM CRAZY” OR “HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG”. HE HAS BECOME THIS COLD HEARTED PERSON WITH NO FEELINGS, ON TOP OF ALL THE BROKEN PROMISES. HE TRIED TO MAKE HIS CHEATING OK, B/C WE WERE NOT DOING GOOD AT THE TIME. ITS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE FOR THE CRAP HE DOES AND HE ALWAYS TRIES TO JUSTIFY EVERYTHING HE DOES. EVERYTIME ITS ALMOST THE END, I GET SUCKERED BACK IN WITH THE “BABY I PROMISE’S” AND I AM HERE, I WANT US TO WORK, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, I DONT WANT NOBODY ELSE, IM TRYING HARD AS I CAN….I DONT LIKE FEELING THE WAY I DO BUT I DONT WANT TO CRUSH MY KIDS BY LEAVING. WE HAD A REALLY BAD ARGUMENT THE THURSDAY BEFORE EASTER (HE STAYED OUT UNTIL 2AM) THE NEXT NIGHT WE HAD A VERY LONG TALK AND SETTLED ON TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK ONCE AGAIN…BUT AS EVERY OTHER TIME BEFORE, ITS BACK TO HIM ACTING COLD AND DISTANT. I COOK, CLEAN, WORK, GET KIDS, TO AND FROM SCHOOL, DO THEIR HOMEWORK, AND BATHS EVERYNIGHT, WITH NO HELP. WHAT MORE CAN I DO…HOW CAN I NOT ARGUE WITH HIM WHEN HE TRIES TO START WITH ME?? HE KNOWS WHAT BUTTONS TO PUSH TO GET ME GOING, THEN FAMOUSLY HE TURNS IT INTO IM THE ONE THAT IS ACTING CRAZY OR BEING A BITCH. I DONT UNDERSTAND HIM BUT MAYBE NOW I DO…HE MAY SERIOUSLY HAVE A MENTAL DISORDER…I JUST NEED INPUT ON HOW TO STEER CLEAR OF ARGUMENTS, WHICH IS VERY HARD, BECAUSE I DONT KEEP QUIET…HOW CAN I IGNORE THE CONFLICTS WHEN HE TRIES TO START?

    2. Danielle Nelson says:

      And maybe add “I always love the person I’m with more than they love me.”

    3. Susan says:

      I don’t know why I keep getting into unhealthy realationships, my late husband was an acholic
      Which was like being with dr jeykle and mr Hyde, we were married for 25 years before his death. I began to rebuild my life, joined a gym, took up new hobbies,etc. but I was still lonely,
      So after 3 years started dating and met my soon to be ex boyfriend, we have been together several years, I sold my home and moved in with him, it’s been seven months, and I am looking to purchase my own home. I have allowed myself to be overcome by his narcissism, as a result no longer have ANY friends,lost contact with my family, and am currently trying to make amends with my adult daughter. I fear for my dogs, he has threatened to shoot them if they have any accidents, but I never leave them alone with him, they are all I have.
      About 3 months ago we were to go on a cruise, but I was diagnosed with kidney stones, he wouldn’t even drive me to er. While in pain, I was told to get over myself that I was crazy and if he could have me committed to a mental institution he would, all because I had to cancel the cruise and he was furious.i have been biting my tongue to be non controversial until I can find myself a home to start fresh in once again discovering myself, and to learning to be happy alone.

  2. Monique says:

    My husband says “95% if women would be happy to have a husband like me” if I show that I am unhappy about something. He will then proceed to require an insane amount of praises if he prepared the coffee for the next morning. He withholds love, affection, attention or purposely not contact me during the day knowing that it hurts my feelings. I get called names when we argue, or he argues and yells and I sit and listen he then proceeds to say he wants a divorce, etc. and ignore me for days. Been called the b and c word many a times. doesn’t happen often but when it does, it really hurts.

    Can anyone recommend books on the topic? To help me? I feel like I can’t even talk to him or else I am crazy and never happy.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Oh yeah, I get that too. The whole, “Im such an awesome husband, whats wrong with you?” act. Its really irritating.

      I just read this book, and I will keep posting more reviews as I read more, but I found this highly enlightening and it has great tips on “managing/controlling” the narcissism.

    2. Cecilia says:

      Look up Roy Masters on Facebook. He also has books. I think one of the books is called Adam and Eve síndrome.

    3. Bianca says:

      It will never get better. I have been there. Just take the kids, do not listen to any promise, leave and get yourself a real life. Save yourself and your children!

    4. KK says:

      YES ITS ALWAYS ABOUT WHAT THEY DO!! DO WE EVER GET ANY CREDIT OR APPRECIATION FOR WHAT WE DO? OF COURSE NOT, ITS EXPECTED FROM US! I’M SO GLAD TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY DEALING WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS…AFTER ALMOST 7 YEARS I THINK I AM FINALLY FIGURING OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS…HIM NOT ME! MY QUESTIONS IS IS THERE ANYTHING A WOMAN CAN DO TO MAKE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP EASIER FOR HERSELF WHEN CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED?

    5. nafeezabibi says:

      i understand how you feel. this happens to me as well.
      some tips that can help you:
      1)Prayer is the best medicine ( I find peace & Relieve when i pray)
      2) Adapt a hobby/ simply do something that you love (i craft so it distracts my mind from wondering)
      3)Motivational Quotes(Najwa zebian e.t.c)
      4)Surround yourself around positive people (those that genuinely wantt to see you happy and leave you to make your own life decisions)
      5)continue being a dutiful wife and be silent when conversations aren’t going well.
      6) Look at people who are suffering around the world and let that help you shake off what you’re feeling.
      7) drink plenty water & exercise (builds your courage esp. and early morniing walk)
      8) take a breath of fresh air
      9) remember you are beautiful, kind, smart, lovable and good enough(smile because there is lots to smile about.
      10) worry less about outcomes of the situation(GOD IS IN CHARGE)

  3. marcha says:

    And “That wasn’t my intention, so you’re taking it the wrong way”. (He grabs you, you say “Ouch, you’re hurting me!”, he says “That wasn’t my intention, so it shouldn’t hurt”.

  4. Calendula says:

    Very familiar with these lines. For 17 years, but I’m out now.

    When he said he wanted a divorce, he also included a “must be completed by” date. At that moment, I thought, “He was SUPPOSED to love me and cherish me, but since doesn’t/won’t/can’t, then forget it, let’s move out and move on!” So I agreed. Then he was incredulous….”Is THAT all it took?” He asked with surprised, round eyes. What, did he think I would fight and cry that I didn’t “get” to put up with more mistreatment?

  5. Sherry says:

    I recently left husband of 16 years. Some of these comments are so familiar. One I didn’t see was you’ll never finish that…you never finish anything. When it came to our kids, he could put my daughter down and I wasn’t allowed to comment but put his 2 daughter’s before even me. He was supposed to be the center of my universe and as long as I didn’t make waves or disagree with him we had a GREAT marriage. I worked night shift as a nurse and busted my butt to keep a roof over our heads and he kept quitting jobs but that was ok cause I made enough to support us. What he wanted was to quit working altogether. I suspected he was cheating but he’d locked me out of his phone and computer and I couldn’t access his email anymore (at one time was no big deal). Now the bastard is suing me for alimony and says I deserted him. I left when I found another letter from another online “friend” in which he stated he couldn’t wait to have her in bed beside him. When I was off he’d sleep on the sofa saying I snored. But if he wanted sex I better drop everything and take care of him.

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