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So, he finally asked me about my taxes today, and was predictably pissed when I told him I claimed one of the kids. Gave me this whole long speech about what if “we” could have gotten more money by him filing and claiming both kids.

 

At the end of the argument, he stalked off in a huff and told me “I’m sure glad I’m a part of your life!”. This is a tactic. He does things on his own all the time and since I didn’t ask permission to claim one of the kids and he wont get as much money now, and since it’s ME not him, it’s a problem.

Yes, in a normal marriage this kind of stuff should be discussed, but that’s not what we have and he knows it. He doesn’t talk to me about his finances, but wants me to tell him everything about mine. It’s about control, not concern, not working as a team. And that’s it.

The truth is, this has shown him that I don’t trust him. I don’t think he could misunderstand that, though it wasn’t my intention to convey that, it was inevitable. I think there are defining moments and I had a choice, I could choose to protect myself financially, or I could choose to submit to his continued financial abuse and mismanagement, and I chose to protect myself, finally.

There will be more and more of these moments as I get closer to leaving him. And it’s scary, I’m not going to lie. But it’s not scary because I don’t think it’s something I should do, it’s scary because I’m worried about his reaction and retaliation, it’s scary because he’s conditioned me to just do what he wants.

I don’t know if I did the right thing or not. Its possible it will come back to bite me in the ass, I don’t know. I hope not, but I guess it is a possibility. From everything I have read he could contest it but it would delay his return and I don’t know if he would want to deal with it or not.

The point is, it was a solid step, and it was a step that told him I don’t need him. Maybe thats dangerous and maybe it was a mistake, but its done now. Im SO TIRED of all of this, honestly. I really don’t know how much longer I can deal, and really how much longer I should.

Grey Rock will have to be my method of dealing with him forever, it worked pretty well today actually. He sent me a super flowery text about how much he “loves” me, the only problem is, I know his definition of love isn’t the same as mine. And what he calls love, I call being used. Most would call it being used, actually.

So whats the next steps? I don’t know. I have moments I would rather work at the grocery store and live in a freaking studio apartment. And maybe thats what I should do. Would it really be the end of the world? No, not really. And I have moments where Im super worried about how the kids would handle that and thinking I should hold off until I can afford something similar to the arrangement we have now, they both have their own rooms, room to play, etc. Realistically though, would I be able to achieve that with him in my life? I don’t know anymore. I’m starting to have serious doubts. He takes up so much time and energy, and on top of that I have to be sneaky so he doesn’t know what I’m up to and assume I’m making all kinds of money (I’m so not).

I am going to seriously think about what I should do next here and open my mind to really consider all my options, not just the ones that seem “perfect” on the surface. Pray about it, make some plans and see what gets me to my ultimate goals faster, think about whats best for the kids, for me. I know if I was talking to me, I would say just get out. So why can’t I just do that? Good question.

 

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8 thoughts on “Same Sh*t, Different Day

  1. Lew says:

    Hmmm, been reading some of your blogs, Sam and comments of other ladies. I have been wondering if I myself am married to a Narc. He doesn’t have all the qualities I find in some of the lists I have looked at. Been married 10 years and we are both professionals. Some of the red flags I had while dating was that he talked down about some exes and talked disrespectfully about his mother. I had a sense that he wasn’t over a past girlfriend either that he had cheated on. He also got angry with me when I baked him a birthday cake that was “too big”…but felt bad when he hurt my feelings. Why’d I marry him? We never argued and he listened so well and respected my wish to marry as a virgin (he sure as hell wasn’t). We agreed on so many things. I thought I had found my guy. As soon as we were married, the love letters stopped and he was a lot less engaging. He even got upset that I wanted sex more than him and it reminded him of how he was “used in the past”, then he got mad at me for crying about it. My pregnancies were very difficult as were the births and I had adrenal exhaustion after the second. He would be mad I didn’t clean the house and I had to sneak and nap with the baby because he didn’t approve of co-sleeping. Lately I have gotten enough strength where I am rethinking things and have been feeling grief for a life I thought I had but realize I don’t. He has upset my career a few times through his own shuffling through jobs and poor decisions. I have not made much of my career because of this. I always chalked it up to just having to sacrifice for family but now I wonder…He controls the money and has raged at me several times for poor financial decisions (he has also made poor decisions), and has told me he feels like the only parent or only adult in the relationship. He has told me a few times that he doesn’t trust me and that I am “not on his team”. He yells a lot at the kids but they do love him. They are definitely more bonded with me and prefer me over him, even though I encourage a positive relationship between them – I don’t feed negativity towards him. Though we both have full time jobs, he expects me to take care of the house. I feel like he needs to help me because a lot of the time I am just trying to keep up with every day stuff. He does help but the other day he said “sometimes I wait and see how disgusting the toilets get before you realize they need to be cleaned.” He is very disrespectful of my family as well. He has referred to some of my nieces/nephews as “duds” and my parents confided to me that they feel he looks down on them (he does). He has gotten very religious recently in the Catholic faith, which I joined when we married. I grew up protestant and have not really been the best Catholic. He hasn’t really been the best ambassador, especially after he told me I could go to hell for not going to confession. He also was yelling at me once when I was having bad stomach problems that landed me in the ER telling me it was a faith crisis when in actuality I was reacting to a coffee creamer! Never apologized either. I have been thinking lately about how if it keeps getting worse, I will look for a way out. He just isn’t the guy I dated and fell in love with. It is heartbreaking. I do love him, but this just isn’t fun at all. My kids come first and so in that respect, I am better off with him than without him for now. What do you think, ladies? Should I be so concerned? He seems to try sometimes to do better and I don’t think he is a hopeless case. Now that I have some strength back – my 30’s were just a blur in hindsight – and I am 40 now and really babying my adrenals as best I can…I am really rethinking things and accepting some deaths of what I was hoping for and expecting. My only hope sometimes is that God is in charge. He knows me and likes me just as I am.

    1. Carmin says:

      I have read through this and you know what I hear? That we that have lived with a narc all sound the same. We all never want to leave “because of the kids” We all realise that the man we “love” is broken but his not a hopeless case. He will change. He does try. We do love them.
      Yes he is a narc.
      And no-one can tell you when you are ready to leave. I left more times than I can remember and always went back. And each time it got worse.
      You will know when you are ready. While you are preparing to leave (because that’s what you are doing) start practicing self care. Start loving you. Accepting you with all your mistakes. Be kind and merciful to yourself. Walk in love and light. Take time out. Journal. Start figuring out who you are. When the penny drops you will leave and you will do it gracefully and have perfect peace in your decision ready to face whatever challenges will come knowing that God is with you and He will strengthen you and uphold you.
      My 15 year old son just said to me over the weekend. “Mom I love my dad but you are my heart. And I am glad you left mom. and please never go back. I am so proud of you mom” Our children see more than we think, understand more than we realise and would rather see the light in our eyes than the pain no matter how tough it gets and it will. Stay strong. And accept where you are right now. Keep growing and get support. Acknowledge.
      HUGS!!!

      1. Lew says:

        Haha, yah, sorry for the “book”…I really loved myself before I met him so it’s not hard to remember who I am. I think the hardest thing is going through the “death” of what I thought I had but didn’t. I do my best to do what I loved to do before I met him, like hiking with my dog, but it is hard with 2 small kids. I used to love hiking with my husband but last time I invited him along he made it unenjoyable by challenging every thought I brought up. He loves a good debate. I could do without, especially when I just want to enjoy myself on a beautiful day. I would do therapy but last time we went, he made me relive an awful day that he had already “apologized” for…..and I could barely focus on my job that evening. I don’t want to go back. My relationship with God has suffered through it because I really believed He blessed the marriage and I prayed so much for an easier second birth and it ended up being the hardest thing I ever went through – infections and I was the bread-winner making commission and then adrenal exhaustion after C-Section and hubby upset that I looked fine but couldn’t keep the house clean. So, though I am still a Christian, I am fighting cynicism. It’s a process. I don’t know what’s ahead but I’m at the point where I can say “I have been a good wife and have kept my vows and what is broken is not my fault.” I am pretty strong and not super-sensitive, so maybe that is why it has taken me a long time to realize what is going on. I was single and on my own until I married him at 30 years old, so I have that foundation. Perhaps the biggest wound is not being able to grow closer to God….and not feeling protected by Him that I have to work through.

        1. Lew says:

          Hi Sam, can you delete my last comment? I don’t want my full name up here on this blog – I mistakenly did that. Thanks!

          1. Samantha Matthews says:

            For sure!

  2. Sheryl Simons says:

    Great move! Before I left my ex asked me what my f you attitude was all about. I simply didn’t care. He instantly became so nice believing I would never leave because of all the pressure ‘For the sake of the children’.he stayed nice through the divorce. Then as soon as it was final he turned on the heat with the kids, trying to turn them against me. It kind of worked. The kids blamed me because, from their point of view, he did change! But I knew it was all fake!

  3. Carmin says:

    I’ve left my narc almost a year now. I haven’t made it to the divorce stage yet purely because of financial constraints. I left with our 2 teenage children and moved to another city. I had to. Being on the doorstep of my narc was going to be a problem. I have left him many times before and I knew that if I wanted to make this final it had to be drastic. It’s been TOUGH as he doesn’t offer any financial support. In the beginning he tried to show the kids that his the “good” parent. The one that can provide for them financially. So they blamed me. It hurt but I allowed them to have their own experience. They went to be with him for a month over Christmas and came back to me saying “Mummy he hasn’t changed at all” I always knew it was just an act. That he mimics “good behaviour” but his core he can’t hide. So after 17 years of building a home, my children and I living comfortably in a large house we are now with nothing but each other. And I would have it no other way! I am not going to say I’m happy, I’m doing a balancing act everyday. I have so much to redo – so much negative thinking I have to change. So much hurt I have to let go of. So much anger and pain. And I am doing my work day by day and I am getting stronger. I am dealing with being there for my kids as a single parent and it’s tough!! But at least I don’t have to listen to him when I get home from a long day. I don’t have to hear how useless I am. I don’t have to hear how he hates me and how I disgust him and then have to go to bed and perform wifely duties. I am free of all that now. My kids are free. That is what counts. Step by step and day by day we will get back on our feet. And we will be happy. But right now we have work to do as a team of 3. We have to clean up all the mess he created in our minds. The conditioning – we need to re-condition. And it’s FUN finding out who you really are. And as I walk through this process I realise why he treated me the way he did. Because I was TOO LARGE for him. I intermidated him so he had to break me down so I could never know who I truly am and that way he would control me. And he did. For 17 years. He is nothing but a bully as they all are! After all his threats I realise his just bark and no bite! He can do nothing to me because he cannot control me anymore. Not because of anything his done but because I chose to finally reclaim who I am and it’s Not his WIFE!

  4. Elissa says:

    Well today my decision was made. I have been battling the dawning realization about my husband pretty much since the day we married (and a firestorm broke cause I didn’t want to do what he wanted in bed that day). today I let him sleep in, since he had complained about my snoring keeping him awake for a week (despite waking me up every single time so I hadn’t slept for a week, and I’m the one who works 10 hours a day: he sleeps all day). Today I let him sleep, kept the kids and dog quiet, and when I woke him he fell into a rage because I hadn’t woken him “to spend time with him”. I’m done. Done and done and done and DONE. Done with the meanness, the “joking” insults, the embarrassment in front of workmates and family when he storms off when I’m “flirting” (aka: being nice to people and talking to them), done with having my every movement controlled. DONE.. And it feels amazing. And you know what: a studio apartment doesn’t scare me. I have already been poor, living on a friend’s floor with my baby, and it doesn’t remotely scare me. I picked myself up once and I can do it again. I just need to get away from this maniac and his rages, mood swings, controlling and bullying.

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