So, he finally asked me about my taxes today, and was predictably pissed when I told him I claimed one of the kids. Gave me this whole long speech about what if “we” could have gotten more money by him filing and claiming both kids.
At the end of the argument, he stalked off in a huff and told me “I’m sure glad I’m a part of your life!”. This is a tactic. He does things on his own all the time and since I didn’t ask permission to claim one of the kids and he wont get as much money now, and since it’s ME not him, it’s a problem.
Yes, in a normal marriage this kind of stuff should be discussed, but that’s not what we have and he knows it. He doesn’t talk to me about his finances, but wants me to tell him everything about mine. It’s about control, not concern, not working as a team. And that’s it.
The truth is, this has shown him that I don’t trust him. I don’t think he could misunderstand that, though it wasn’t my intention to convey that, it was inevitable. I think there are defining moments and I had a choice, I could choose to protect myself financially, or I could choose to submit to his continued financial abuse and mismanagement, and I chose to protect myself, finally.
There will be more and more of these moments as I get closer to leaving him. And it’s scary, I’m not going to lie. But it’s not scary because I don’t think it’s something I should do, it’s scary because I’m worried about his reaction and retaliation, it’s scary because he’s conditioned me to just do what he wants.
I don’t know if I did the right thing or not. Its possible it will come back to bite me in the ass, I don’t know. I hope not, but I guess it is a possibility. From everything I have read he could contest it but it would delay his return and I don’t know if he would want to deal with it or not.
The point is, it was a solid step, and it was a step that told him I don’t need him. Maybe thats dangerous and maybe it was a mistake, but its done now. Im SO TIRED of all of this, honestly. I really don’t know how much longer I can deal, and really how much longer I should.
Grey Rock will have to be my method of dealing with him forever, it worked pretty well today actually. He sent me a super flowery text about how much he “loves” me, the only problem is, I know his definition of love isn’t the same as mine. And what he calls love, I call being used. Most would call it being used, actually.
So whats the next steps? I don’t know. I have moments I would rather work at the grocery store and live in a freaking studio apartment. And maybe thats what I should do. Would it really be the end of the world? No, not really. And I have moments where Im super worried about how the kids would handle that and thinking I should hold off until I can afford something similar to the arrangement we have now, they both have their own rooms, room to play, etc. Realistically though, would I be able to achieve that with him in my life? I don’t know anymore. I’m starting to have serious doubts. He takes up so much time and energy, and on top of that I have to be sneaky so he doesn’t know what I’m up to and assume I’m making all kinds of money (I’m so not).
I am going to seriously think about what I should do next here and open my mind to really consider all my options, not just the ones that seem “perfect” on the surface. Pray about it, make some plans and see what gets me to my ultimate goals faster, think about whats best for the kids, for me. I know if I was talking to me, I would say just get out. So why can’t I just do that? Good question.