About Me

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Seems like that’s the question every day. I’m figuring it out a bit at a time, I suppose, but here is what I have so far.

I am a woman, a fact of which constantly surprises me after being treated like a child for so long. I am a mother, which brings me my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow, as I wouldn’t have any joy without them, my two little lights, and I am heartbroken over the life I have found us in.

I’m a college student who is studying psychology, which is how I discovered my husband is beyond all hope and my marriage is doomed (or I am, depending on how long I stay).

I’m an artist, though that part of myself has been tucked away for fear he would kill it.

I’m a dreamer, a planner, a believer. I have been a good wife, my forgiveness runs deep. I believe in being kind to everyone, and expecting the same in return. I believe in never giving up, that I can do anything I set my mind to.

I am the perfect narcissistic supply. And now I believe he will never change, will never care about me, will never be the example of a good man I hoped for my children. Now, I am done.

Often, I battle depression, and my ADD drives me crazy. I’m pretty sure I have PTSD from his rages, though hes never hit me, his anger and words are horrible to deal with for a Highly Sensitive, Empath such as myself. But I am a strong person, and I am rebuilding myself, a bit at a time. I find I cannot accept the destruction so common for spouses divorcing a Narcissist, I will build myself a decent life and support system, financially and emotionally, before I cut the cord. Until then, this will tell my story of trying to hang on….

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126 thoughts on “About Me

  1. Shannon says:

    You are SO smart to be doing what you’re doing. I was too naive to understand that my covert, “nice guy” narcissist was going to be a nightmare to leave. I’m 5 years into that nightmare, after 30 years of marriage, but it is getting much better. thanks for your blog – and best of luck to you!!!

    1. earthmom says:

      This site is incredible. I’m reading with my mouth hanging open wondering HOW you could know all of this! 😮 Raised in a highly abusive household by two substance abusing narcissists, I was groomed for the sociopathic narcissist that I married as a very young girl. He was 16 years older than I, and I stayed in this mess for 32 years. 1.5 years OUT as of now and still in recovery. It is a long process but this site, these kinds of revealing articles, really help. Thank you.

  2. Nicole says:

    I have been avoiding my narc husband of 19 years for several years. I was hoping he’d change, instead he cheated on me. Now the divorce is his idea which makes things easier. Now I’m teaching my teenagers how to deal with a narcissist. I can do this and so can you.

  3. shermana says:

    Hi Samantha,
    I don’t know if you remember me, I commented to one of your posts awhile ago.
    I just wanted to write a quick note to you to ask how you are doing, since there hasn’t been a post from you in awhile… and I have been following your blog…and thinking about you, even though I don’t know you personally, but I can certainly relate to your feelings, and the incredible turmoil you are going through.

    Samantha, one of the best pieces of advice someone gave me, when I was going through my own turmoil, where you don’t know even know what to think.. what to believe… and you can’t even believe or trust your own judgement anymore is….. YOU just have to decide.

    You have to decide what you truly want for your life…
    And you have to decide just how much you value your own life….

    It really comes down to that… you have to decide that you want better for your life.

    Yes, he has done all of these things… terrible things that are just plain unacceptable.

    But you know that… you know the things that he’s done… you know what he’s capable of, which is just about anything at this point, you know this is not the person you want to spend our journey in life with.

    And so now…. this isn’t about him anymore… this is solely about you…
    And once you turn all of that attention away from him, and back onto you, where it belongs, you’ll see there is a sense of liberation you will feel.
    Because the bottom line is…. you deserve better… you know you do….
    But I know that the craziness has you believing that you actually don’t know what you deserve anymore.

    I can tell from you writings that you know who you are… who you truly are… deep inside… and the person you are meant to be.
    And when you know who you are… you have to start actually ‘being’ who you are..
    And do the things you have to do, to truly and authentically be who you are meant to be.

    Yes, the craziness has you focussing all of your attention on him.
    I went through that for the longest time… and yes, it will make you crazy.
    You think about him and his behavior even before your eyes open in the morning, and then it’s the last think you think about before falling asleep…. and then the cycle continues.

    People like us, women like us, who have empathy and compassion and are good people, authentically good people…. not perfect people but good people, well we just can’t understand it.
    We just can’t understand how the person that we truly thought loved us, can turn on us this way.

    And in the end … .I had to admit to myself that a big part of my not being able to ‘let go’ of the thoughts and feelings, and turmoil and craziness, was because it was a betrayal of myself.

    A betrayal of my good nature, of my instinct… and a betrayal of trust….

    and sadly…. it was admitting that I was duped… and that I was wrong about almost all of the things I was so sure about him.
    I thought I knew him better than anyone… I thought I knew the true person he really was…
    So to admit that I didn’t know him at all…. well …. that was a tough one for anyone’s ego… and certainly mine.
    But they’re just that good at what they do….

    And I had to also admit that it happened to me… I got duped by a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath…
    Also tough to admit….because those things happen to other women… or women on tv….. or in the hundreds of articles I’ve read….. but it just seemed impossible that it happened to me.
    But it did happen… it happened to me…. and it’s still a work in progress for me to believe that it happened to me.
    And now I belong to that same club of women that I’ve spend months and months reading about… hundreds of articles and even more comments underneath those articles.
    Including yours.
    And even though we don’t even know each other, we now belong to the same club.

    Samantha, yes odds are that you will ‘lose’ in terms of money… and things… and lifestyle.
    And will have to start again..
    As I have had to start all over… financially… career wise… and my mental health after this experience!

    But now that I am in my 4th month of being away from my ‘experience’…. in my tiny apartment… starting over financially….. and still sometimes having very emotionally rough days….
    I don’t for a second regret my decision to value my own life.
    And you won’t either.
    But you have to decide… take the focus away from him and bring it back to where it belongs… to you.
    And you’ll see, the universe will help you.
    But it can only help you if you decide… it can’t help you as long as you remain focused on him.

    I don’t even know you, but I know what it’s like to be completely turned upside down by another person.
    The person you probably thought was the love of your life… your soul mate… you prince charming.

    The fact is…. maybe you very much wanted him to be your prince charming… and chose to believe that he was your prince charming and soul mate.
    But a soul mate wouldn’t treat you the way he is treating you.
    Your soul mate would have compassion for you.
    A soul mate would want the best for you.

    A soul mate would not deliberately and methodically set out to destroy your spirit.

    And so at this time in your experience… if you truly want to know what it feels like to be able to count on your soul mate…… just look in the mirror…. that person looking back at you is the one person who absolutely has the complete ability to never let you down.

    Believe me when I tell you… that even though you will have to start over… and yes, it will be tough… I’m starting over at the age of almost 50…
    I never in my life even came close to imagining this would be happening.
    Shocking and tough to move past.

    But I have noticed that I’m smiling a little more… and crying a little less.
    And actually feel like maybe I will have even more energy to ‘start over’…. and do it with peace.

    And when living with a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath….. that is the one thing you will never have… peace.
    And trust me when I tell you that when you have peace… and the true ability to be who you were meant to be…. true and authentic…..
    Then it really doesn’t matter how big your house is… or what kind of furniture is in it…

    My narcissist is now in ‘hoovering’ stage… classic and textbook.
    But it’s a lot easier to handle from a distance.
    And I know who he really is….
    But more importantly I know who I really am….. and I’m not going to give that up…. not for anyone…never again….

    I know this is a long comment…. But I wanted to reach out to you again…. and see how you are doing….
    And yes, you have to go through the fire.
    There’s no way around it….
    And going through the fire takes a lot of courage… and it’s no picnic….and yep it’s really tough.
    But the wonderful thing is that you can do it….
    And when you do you’ll know it was the best thing you ever did.
    You saved your beautiful and valuable life.

    So I hope you choose to decide… decide that your life has incredible value… that your happiness is a wonderful thing worth having….. and you go through the fire.
    And when you do…. it can be amazing on the other side…..trust me…. even in a tiny apartment…. it’s freedom….

    I wish you all the best.. and hope to hear from you so I know that you’re doing ok.
    But wants you to do more than just ok… wants you to do amazing.

    Your friend….someone who cares.

    1. Michele says:

      Shermana, beautifully written now if I could just get there. I too am starting over at almost 50, kids grown and gone. Duped and feel so stupid for allowing it to happen. Thank you for writing this!

      1. Shermana says:

        Hi Michele,
        And I want to thank YOU for taking the time to reply to my post…
        Michele I don’t know where you’re at … whether you’ve left your relationship and are on your own… or still in it..

        But…. if you have moved on…. then you ARE there.
        And if you haven’t… well just the fact that you’re writing here means you’re on your way.

        Duped and stupid… yep…. I hear ya sista….. if I had a nickel for every time I beat myself up over that?
        I’d have a bigger apartment!
        🙂

        Michele, we may have been duped….but definitely not stupid.
        We’re lucky enough that we are good people, people who are kind, and compassionate, and loving and believe in the goodness of others.
        And yep… maybe that does feel like being stupid, but only because our goodness… our kindness… our heart…..made us attractive to a person who has none of that.

        I think back now… to all the things that I truly and authentically am…. which he is not.

        So if being a good person makes me stupid?………I’ll still take it…. and I know so would you.

        You know I was just thinking… it has been so painful and heartbreaking to finally see him for the person he truly is….
        But… I also got to really solidify who I am… who I really am…. and that is still a good person.
        And no matter what.. I don’t want to compromise that.. I won’t compromise that.
        And I’m sure you wouldn’t either.

        We’re probably about the same age, and so we both know that no matter what, no matter how we were treated, we still ‘tried to do the right thing’….. and tried… and tried…. and tried….
        Because that’s what good people do… we try… maybe sometimes it takes us a little longer to figure out when it’s time to stop trying.
        Some women never stop trying…. like beating your head against a brick wall, expecting it to move, and the only thing that happens is your forehead is the one that’s bleeding.

        So through the pain… be proud of yourself for keeping your integrity…and your goodness… intact.
        It really is something to be proud of.

        I know you must feel robbed of a lot of time… I know I have felt that many times.
        But to let him rob you of another day?
        Is criminal…
        And you’re not a criminal…. you’re a good person.
        🙂

        You finally have a chance to be the person you know you really are….don’t let him rob you of that.
        What a gift that is …. to the world…..

        Do something that contains who you are….but has nothing to do with you…. pass along who you really are…. and you’ll see…. you’ll start to feel better.
        I like being a nice person… I really do…. it makes me happy…. it gives me a joy.

        I compliment the cashier at the grocery store on her nice sweater… and she smiles… maybe I made her day….. he didn’t rob me of that… that ability to make someone smile.

        I say good morning to people when I take my daily walk…. and it doesn’t even matter if they say it back or not…. I put it out there… I put me out there…. the person I really am… intact….

        Be grateful that who you really are… remains intact… even through the pain and hurt.
        When you feel duped…. be grateful that those days are over.. duped no more.
        when you feel stupid… be grateful that you smartened up and realized that your beautiful self deserved more…. deserved better…. deserved to be you.

        Believe me… I am still a huge work in progress…. so I’m only trying to pass on what I try to do… to get through those cloudy times.
        And your having a good day… maybe because of something I wrote or said?
        Means I’m still intact… I’m still me…. I’m still a good person… and have value….even to a stranger on the internet whose pain I can relate to…

        So you need to make it your job to have better days… just like I need to do that…..
        And we do it for all of us…
        and when we succeed at it… we prove that it’s possible… maybe to a woman who doesn’t think it’s possible.

        And we have the integrity to know that we are doing it authentically…. and not duping anyone…
        And that’s pretty smart… and nice…. and good…. and kind…… and REAL…..

        in sisterhood,
        Shermana

        1. Jojo says:

          Shermana, your words have had a profound effect on my life and added an extra bit of courage to making a life change. Thank you

        2. renee says:

          I feel oddly comfortable reading all of these things, as I live with a man of this nature.. He has now cheated on me with 5 women, which he says he was just talking because I was a crappy wife, and never talked to him.. One of the women was 67 years old, older than his mother.. I am trying to forgive and save face, but I am broken and lost..

        3. Maliha says:

          I feel every word you wrote, I know how amazing that feeling when you make a total stranger smile or happy, it’s victory.
          Thank you please keep writing:)

    2. NancyW says:

      Shermana
      Thank you for the outpouring of your thoughts. Your words really helped me a lot. Is helping me. 30 yrs married to a Narcissist I’ve led 4+ times. (I can’t remember clearly) February 12, 2015 I filed for divorce (his idea, my secret desire, “Yes! Let’s file for divorce!) Legally separated for 2 months: HE NEVER MOVED OUT. 2 months of entense abuse & honeymooning all at the same time. & sex. Uggghhh I was living the barebones survival mode every second. I’ve lived survival mode 30 years with him, but the 2 months legal separation WITHOUT separation destroyed me & I caved & cancelled the Final Decree. April 14, 2015 just 2 days before the court date. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I had nothing left, there was nothing left to do but die. In order to survive the next day I ended it. I’ve had 1 month to recover & I will attempt to finish the divorce. I will succeed, somehow, someway. I finally called a Shelter. They gave me a Counselor free to see weekly, they said there’d be a bed for me if I need a place – I’m going to need this I realize, they connected me with a lawyers consultation free, I now know the next step to take to make my divorce real. They did an intake & im now in their support group which is closed & in a secret location. Your self-stories apply to me. Ur little apartment, peace, freedom to smile safely. What a dream what a dream
      Thank you
      Nancy

    3. Sharon says:

      Thank you!! Your story is mine!! The only difference is that I am still in the nightmare! Your words are inspiring, now I just need to find my faith to do what I have to do!
      Thank you.

    4. Jojo says:

      I’m in a very similar situation with the added burden that my husband is disabled (he wasn’t when we married and I’ve spent years being a supportive loving wife) and plays the victim card all the time. I’m trying to summon up the courage to start again, but like many of us the “caring and loving” part of me has always put his needs first.
      Thank you for your post, it has finally made me realise that it’s not “me” who is wrong and that I need to make a move to get away from this situation. I turn 50 next month and been married for 15 years, ten of which have been mostly hell, except when he is ever-so-nice to me on the odd occasion I blow my fuse (probably once every couple of years) anyway, I wish all of you the best and hope we can all rediscover our peace and happiness. X

    5. southernstyle says:

      7-15-15today im in my 11 month of leaving an assumed mal/narc, after having a child with him, him trying to set me up for domestic violence to gain custody, after he tried getting me kicked out of my home, etc. Today it’s been 7mths of no intimacy and 4 mths of absolute no contact except at court proceedings. Today im on my 2nd week of regaining any type of real emotions.
      I don’t know you but I just read your comment to Samantha and it really helped me. And I want to say thank you for your strength and the willingness to share your story.

    6. Frances says:

      Thank you for sharing your experience. Reading your reply was like you were writing about me and my situation. For a long time, I started to feel as if I was crazy and could not figure out what I was doing wrong. Now I know better. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle, although I hate for anyone to have to experience any of this pain. I have definitely had several realizations in this process, and it does hurt. I am growing stronger each day. My primary concern is about my children. I want to protect them, although I want them to know the good parts about their father. I want my son to know how to treat a woman and I want my daughter to know good qualities in a man.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        I feel the same, which is why half of me is praying with all my heart I find a good man and have a wonderful relationship someday. Even though the other part of me still doesn’t believe that will happen and isnt even sure I want to let someone that close to me again.

        I really think, as hard as it is for us, knowing what kind of man he is, we have to let our kids know their fathers, unless its actually dangerous. Yes, they will end up seeing his narcissism, and yes, he will probably end up breaking their hearts. But, at least then they can come to their own conclusions about him. I hate even writing that out, I only want to protect my girls and seeing them get their hearts broken or their feelings hurt kills me. But I cant save them from everything, and if I try they wont ever be able to handle this horrible wonderful messed up thing we call life. Disappointments and heartache are part of being human, and they make us stronger. Just keep an eagle eye out and do everything you can to keep a clear line of communication between you and your children, dont talk bad about their father to them, let them know that they can tell you anything and do everything you can not to project your own feelings in their presence. It might actually end up being harder than staying, but in the end, I think all of us will end up stronger and healthier from it.

        1. Ginger M says:

          Samantha,
          “Yes, they will end up seeing his narcissism, and yes, he will probably end up breaking their hearts. But, at least then they can come to their own conclusions about him. I hate even writing that out, I only want to protect my girls and seeing them get their hearts broken or their feelings hurt kills me. ”

          This goes directly into my heart. It kills me that my daughter must be with him, subjected to his twisted way of thinking and acting. She is only 12. She loves her dad, and I am glad for that, but still terrified of what will happen to her emotionally because of him. What truly terrifies me the most, is that I already see tendencies of him in her. There is A LOT of mental illness in his family, and I truly believe in the genetic component. I have found her a wonderful new counselor, and hope to give her the coping skills she will need to deal with her issues, but I am so, so scared for her. And I’m scared for me. We are beginning to muddy the water with pre-teen angst and issues, and along with the divorce, him, and her own problems, I feel like I can only lose. I think she believes the divorce ( or the reason I left) is my fault, even though she was there the night that we HAD to leave for our safety. She was a witness to his actions that night at the tender age of 10. Long story short, since he was unable to make me get out of the car and not leave, he turned to her and tried to manipulate by threatening to kill himself ( a tactic he used often with me). He has never apologized or asked for her forgiveness for that night ( shocker, right?). He only tells her how smart, and wonderful, and beautiful, and perfect she is. No rules or consequences at his house. I am so, so thankful to be out of that life for myself, but I’m really still in that life for her. I feel so helpless, and sad, and frightened. How do we save our children?

          1. Samantha Matthews says:

            I have no idea how to save them. I just don’t. I wish I had something but all I can think of is to love them as much as we can, and give them as much peace and calm as we can when they’re with us. And let them know whatever happens and whatever they need, were there, no matter what. And pray. Its the worst feeling because I would die for them, but that wont save them in this case. 🙁

    7. Deleia says:

      Loved this comment!!! Found it very inspirational!! I needed that Thank you!

    8. Marni says:

      omg…im 50+ starting over…he has my girls. Now he just won child support – more than he paid me and I make a fraction of what he does. He lies so much – and I get blamed for every last tall tale. The projection is almost ridiculous. The judge just ruled that 4 text messages a day to my girls was intrusive and a sign of mental illness. Now I get 2 text messages a day – one in, one out…Im not allowed to ask them if they are ok (I had to look – I did it once in 60 days) – it infers that they shouldn’t be??? They are 13 & 14, really. And when was this text history, text detail provided as evidence to anyone? Never – my ex says it, its true.

      Im going to write a book – this is so awful people will laugh at the ridiculousness.

    9. Michelle says:

      Thank you Shermana for these words. I am in the process of saving enough money to leave and file for divorce. I’ve put a deposit on a duplex, rented a PO Box, and started a checking account in my name. I’ve been with my husband for 23 years. I know what he is capable of. He will follow me, he will spread lies, and I’m sure much worse than even I realize at the moment. We have two sons together. One is 20 the other is 13. He has an older son that will not have anything to do with him. The last thing I want is for my sons to abandon their father but I will no longer take responsibility for my husbands actions (as I have in the past, to keep the peace).

      I’m fortunate, I have the support of my pastor and his wife. I know a lot of women who are believers of Christ don’t have that support. I’ve gathered my strength and courage and will not falter in my decision. I get on line everyday to read about narcissism to help remind myself that I am not alone. That other men and women have been through what I am going through now.

      Even though I am maintaining our relationship and feeding his ego until it is time for me to leave I know he can sense something is different. I believe he can tell that he no longer has the power over me that he did at one time.

      I am excited for my future and finding the easy going, funny, and happy person that I once was. I miss her.

      1. TR says:

        Did you think he was saved? I’m 25 years in. Just figured out about 3 mo ago he’s a narc although it’s been 6 years since I figured out he doesn’t have a drop of love for me. He can barely stand to look at me. I have six kids. The youngest is 3. I think the kids are his supply since I stopped especially my girls. The are daddy’s girls. NO SEXUAL abuse just the unconditional love a girl has for her daddy. My boys are in same boat as me,mostly, since they’ve grown out of the little boy adoration stage. They are the target of his fits and anger and I’m afraid my oldest is very screwed up because he gets more than any of us because he can’t fight back. It’s not physical just mental, emotional and anger. My boys respect him though because they are good Christians. We live on a working ranch and all the boys and I are like rented mules unless you are on the list and then your punishment is you don’t get included. Then he’s all laughter and taking everyone out after the work except you.
        I mistook being submissive for allowing him to walk on me for years. I slowly figured out he’s wrong. I’m not defying Gods will by holding him accountable for his unreasonable rages against us.
        I stay because I don’t think Biblically I have grounds for divorce (I don’t know for sure he’s cheated), we aren’t in danger, I have no money and no earning capacity, I don’t think my children will leave with me, he won’t let them, if I’m not here they will have no protection or love, I keep hoping if he is saved the Holy Spirit will convict him and he will at least be bearable… As a Christian can you guide me through some of this? I have actually been implementing the gray rock some before I knew about it. I’d love for him to leave me for another or catch him cheating so I have grounds for divorce. I hate to say it but think if God wanted me out he’d just take him out so the kids and I would be ok. Horrible I know!

    10. Celine norton says:

      I need help and would love any input. Been there done that and don’t know what to do!

    11. Linda Summers says:

      Thank you for your honest, supportive, caring comment! I too have been “duped” by an abusive narcissist. We were engaged and living at his home but not yet married (thank God) when he went into a RAGE and really showed his true self! Fortunately, I did NOT sell my home and had a place to move back into! It has been 5 weeks and he has apologized, made promises, and even BEGGED me to come back! He sends texts, emails and voicemails. I have only replied once by text and once by email…both times telling him to LEAVE ME ALONE and STOP CONTACTING ME! I went to my first group session for abuse victims today and I am working hard on reclaiming the woman I was a year ago! Thanks again for sharng!

    12. Kay says:

      I know this is an old post, but I wanted to thank you for putting these words out there. Your comments about peace, wow!! Yes!!! That is the desire I hadnt been able to identify until you spelled it out. I, like Samantha, am still with him, but I’m losing my ability to bounce back and forget the hurt. Maybe that is a good thing. Thank you again for your inspiring words.

  4. LeighAnn says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I am in a relationship currently with a narc and it is the most hurtful, distorted, confusing thing i have ever experienced. I am gaining strength through knowledge and hope to make my way out soon, I have an eight month old son that I need to file custody for and that is the biggest thing he uses against me. thanks again for your post.

  5. Deborah says:

    I feel as though I just read my own story.

  6. You just described me.TO A T!!! Right down to the ADD! Except I have two boys and my youngest is my only daughter. I thank GOD I only had the one girl because she, by far, has suffered the most with a narcissistic father. She looks and acts just like me and I’m sure that is why he targets her the most. I HATE being stuck with this man and I HATE it even more that he knows it, too. I am 51, we have been together for 19 years. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family with both parents narcissistic. I am also very compassionate and empathic, unlike my two sisters who turned out worse than my parents. So, I’m am certain he thought he had won the lottery when he met me. Two years ago my entire family turned on me, betrayed me, act decided I was a disgrace and not good enough for them and they all cut me out of their lives. It came out of nowhere and for absolutely no other reason than my younger sister is a malignant narcissist who had been dangerously jealous of me all my life. All I have been doing is living and for what ever insane reason narcissits make up in their crazy minds, I didn’t deserve my “wonderful” husband or my “easy” life so she set out to literally destroy my life. Complete with turning my family against me and setting up a smear campaign I couldn’t even comprehend.
    It nearly broke me and my “wonderful” husband abandoned me emotionally because it was a huge inconvenience for him that I was too upset to ADORE him!!!!
    Do you find that your husband lies about everything they do and say? Mine had me so convinced I was going crazy because he would adamantly deny horrible things he had just said to me 5 minutes ago so I got voice recorders and put them everywhere, hidden, just so I could go back and make sure I want crazy!!
    I hate my life. I hate this man. I hate how much he has screwed up my kids and my life yet walks around like HE’S THE VICTIM! We don’t have enough money to divorce so I have decided, like you, to put a plan into action. Every time I look at him I wanna slap the hell out of him and every time he touches me I feel like I’m gonna vomit. How can someone just stand there and smile when they know they are the cause of so much pain then tell you with a perfect straight face “it’s not me, YOU’RE THE PROBLEM!” GOD, please give me the strength to endure it. Continue to take care of you and your daughters , please. You know you are all they have.

  7. LeighAnn says:

    I feel like I just read my life ! I had no idea so many other people were dealing with this , I am so happy I found this site and thank you for sharing <3

  8. Frank L. says:

    I can’t begin to tell you the devastation being married to a Narcissist wife has caused. She has nearly destroyed me with her lies, manipulating, rages, exaggerations, blaming, smearing my reputation, jail, public humiliation (on national TV!!), and the best part about it, SHE is ALL the things she is accusing of being!! She is a text book Narcissist. Everything I’ve ever read about NPD fits her, to the T, in every category. It’s a wonder I lasted as long as I did with her. But I’m a totally different person than she. I have empathy, I am honest, I try to solve problems, I’m upfront, not secretive, but she is the total opposite, in some of the most horrendous ways. It’s almost like she’s possessed.
    In the “19 Signs You’re Married To Narcissist”, it was as if it was written specifically about her. EVERY number, 1-19, is HER, totally her.
    We met, at a Christian luncheon, of all places. After just a few dates she already started saying she knew she was supposed to marry me like she knew her name. She put on the charm, pretended to be concerned about my feelings, said all the right things and “lured” me in. It was a short courtship, and we married TWO months after we met. ON THE HONEYMOON her mask came off and I knew then I was in for hell, as her change in attitude was THAT BAD!! Since the wedding, and knowing she “hooked” me, nothing was ever about me anymore. It was all her way or there was consequences to pay. She controlled everything and every situation and I better not disagree with her. She has 3 teenage girls who know how she is but would never go against her, so It was 4 against 1. I had no say so, no control, and got no respect from any of them. She would curse me in front of the girls in a way that made it look like I was doing something to her. She would hit me then scream call 911 and I’d go to jail.
    In the year and a half we we married I left at least 7 times, hoping she would see what she was doing and what it was causing, but that was useless, it was always my fault. She would go into rage fits, against me, and I was constantly trying to calm her down, until I’d get mad bc she just wouldn’t stop attacking me. Then I was the bad guy because I finally got mad.
    She has told me, “No matter what I do or how I act, you still need to do right by me”….. I was like, Oh really?? She truly believed she could do anything she wanted and I was supposed to just accept it and treat her good? And believe me, she has done some horrible things TO me!! Inhumane things that normal people could never even dream of doing. And being a woman, she uses it to her advantage and knows how to manipulate the legal system, and could care less how it’s affected me. Has ZERO concern about others feelings, as long as she gets what she wants. Living with her was worse than being on prison, seriously!
    She manipulated the divorce papers, claiming “I” abused her, she kept all my furniture, my personal items, EVERYTHING I owned and refused to give any of it back to me (It was all my stuff before we married) and to insure I couldn’t come around or sue her for my things, she had a restraining order put on me, based on all lies, and the judge granted it to her. Again, she knows how to work the system and use being a woman to her advantage. So theres nothing I can do. I have only my clothes and she has everything I owned. Oh, and did I mention she’s a church-going Christian?? Go figure…..
    We went ON Dr Phil show because I wanted to get his help with HER. She manipulated the producers to turn it all around on me and I was humiliated on national TV because it was all twisted around. She loved it!! She wasn’t exposed again, got away with her behavior again, and I took the fall. Now she could tell people, “See, its NOT me, its him!!”
    The counseling that Dr Phil set up for us is helping me, but according to her therapist, she’s NOT getting it. Her therapist says she may never get better bc she just don’t think she does anything wrong.

    I could tell you so many stories of this short spam with the Narcissist wife, but it would take hours of writing. It’s the kind of things you think you’d only see in movies, and I wouldn’t have believed it myself, until I was face to face with a NARCISSIST!!!

    My advice to ANYONE, if you think you encountered one, DO NOT pass Go, DO NOT think you can handle them, DO NOT hesitate, DO NOT walk, but RUN!! And I mean as fast as you can and DON’T even glance back. You cannot change them and you’re life will be a living hell if you think you can handle them!!

  9. KH says:

    My situation is a bit different than most people who have commented here. The Narc in my life was not my spouse but my Step Father. After my mother divorced my dad when I was 5 and remarried to my Step Dad when I was seven. 2 yrs later I became a victim of inter-state kidnapping. I didn’t know that we were moving- I was told that we were going on vacation. My dad and my 2 brothers (who lived with my dad after custody was decided) didn’t even know that we left. My dad showed up at my house one day to pick me up for our visit and we were just gone. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I was being enrolled in school that I realized this wasn’t temporary. My mom was married to him for 18 yrs. We left in fear for our safety on many many occasions. Sometimes my mom would even rent an apartment for a time, but we ALWAYS went back. ALWAYS. This man was the cruelest, most vile and hateful person you can imagine, and after reading some of these comments, I’m certain that many people know exactly what I am talking about. I think the worst part about all of it though was being made to believe (and standing by helplessly when other people are also made to believe) that I was crazy. He had me, my mom, my teachers, the police, counselors and therapists, EVERYONE convinced that I was crazy and that my perceptions and my reality was dangerously flawed. As quickly as this man came in to my life, he was gone. After 18 yrs, my mom finally left for good, and I never saw him again. (Truth be told- I was married very briefly to a man who was in the military and he was just as disturbed as my Step Dad. He threatened to kill me and dispose of my chopped up body in the desert, and when I asked my mom if I could come stay with her for a while until I could find my own place – I had a child already and had another on the way at this point- my Step Dad would not let me and my son “hide out” from husband. My mom finally left Step Dad at that time, and we got an apartment together and went thru our divorces together). Fast forward a 15 yrs and I am remarried with more children. And I finally wake up to realize that my husband’s sister is another Narc in my life. I can’t get away from her. Just like with Step Dad, I am the target, the scapegoat, I’m her emotional port-a-potty. I know that sounds vile, and thats because it is. I was recently triggered severely by something that my sister in law did and now I am seeing a therapist. She has diagnosed me with Complex PTSD for suffering so many years at the hands of such truly evil people. I don’t know why it took me so long to see all of this, and to recognize these people for who and for what they are but that’s usually how it works right? You struggle and struggle and give and give and give and give some more. You know you have nothing left inside, but you keep making huge withdrawals from your emotional reserves and then they just want more from you. Its NEVER enough. I am writing all of this in an attempt for some of you moms who are married to narcissists or psychopaths how much and for how long this effects the kids in this situation. Even though my two older brothers weren’t raised with this narcissist since they stayed with my dad, they were still very much devastated by the Narc because he forced my mom to basically abandon her two other children and leave the state. I feel like I am just like some of people here who are victims of Narc’s except for the difference in relationship. But the damage is the same. One of the most beautiful things that I have discovered during my recovery is that I AM NOT CRAZY. NOT. ONE. BIT. AND NEITHER ARE ANY OF YOU. My mental faculties are very much in tact and in order thank you very much. It was extremely freeing to not have to doubt my mental health status because I feel crazy. Things are often NOT what they appear to be, but the manipulation and lies and feigned innocence begin to create an environment that is so distorted and upside down that you can’t help but wonder. And when you add the Flying Monkeys to the mix- you know- the people that the Narc recruits to help convince the world that you are crazy- you know, their loyal and adoring fans? They either actively participate with the Narc in your ruin or they just stand idly by while your life is completely destroyed. They know that you are likely suffering but they don’t have the strength or the gumption to defend you or stand up for you in any way. Plus, they’ve seen the Narc in full blown rage mode and they don’t want to be on the receiving end, so they just watch. My mother fit into both of these categories at different times while I was a child, and now, as an adult, its the remainder of my husbands’ family who are the by-standers. Now that I know that my impressions and intuitions were actually correct the ENTIRE TIME I was with these people was really confusing at first. It was validation, yes, but it also made it very hard for me to interact with the world for a while. I didn’t really want to be out in public for fear that I would run into someone I know who might ask me how I’ve been. And then it might ALL come gushing out. I don’t know who I can trust at all, so I don’t want to interact or engage with anyone except my therapist and my immediate family because I don’t know who is who. I have read quite a few books lately that I hope will help with some of you- but the titles and the covers may be dead give aways to what you’re reading (bright colors, big letters) so for those of you who are still living with the Narc in your life- for safety’s sake, either read these books and keep them at work, or get a snazzy book cover- something so that you aren’t giving away your plans or letting your Narc know that you’re on to them.

    The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron PhD
    (if you’ve ever been told that you’re too sensitive, or if you have keen intuition, if lots of external stimuli affects you like bright lights or itchy fabric, this book is for you)

    The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick

    Setting Boundaries with Difficult People by Allison Bottke

    Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward PhD

    Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward PhD

    All of these books were bought used on Amazon for about $5 a piece. I really hope and pray for the healing that is available to those of us who have suffered some of the most toxic, cruel, insidious and deliberate abuse at the hands of these cruel and disordered people. I read somewhere what when a sane person spends enough time isolated with an insane person, they too will become insane. Please make your plans to leave. Please trust me when I tell you that these people DO NOT CHANGE. I begged my mom for 18 years to leave this man. My therapist thinks that some of my worst damage is due to the fact that many many times we (my mom and I) were free of him, and SHE WOULD ALWAYS GO BACK. And each time, it would be worse and worse and worse. Please !! For the sake of what’s left of your sanity and your dignity- SAFELY make plans to leave. My mom stayed because she thought that was the “Christian” thing to do. Its not. God sets CLEAR and FIRM boundaries through out the Bible, and God’s idea of biblical submission in marriage DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THIS. If you are being abused- even if its Mental or Psychological abuse- if your partner is a narcissist, they will not change. Please don’t say that I don’t trust God (because God can change any situation- this i agree with) but God also doesn’t mess with free will, and if a person decides that this is how they want to behave, and they have proven over and over that they aren’t willing to change because they truly believe they’ve done nothing wrong, you need to GET OUT. If your church leaders don’t support you- pray that God will provide a wise and supportive person for you to confide in. Sadly many pastors or biblical counselors are just not equipped or educated enough about narcissism and what it looks like when someone gaslights you or makes you believe that you have a mental health issue. But GOD WILL put boundaries around you and protect you when its time to leave.

    1. Ginger M says:

      “My mom stayed because she thought that was the “Christian” thing to do. Its not. God sets CLEAR and FIRM boundaries through out the Bible, and God’s idea of biblical submission in marriage DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THIS. If you are being abused- even if its Mental or Psychological abuse- if your partner is a narcissist, they will not change. Please don’t say that I don’t trust God (because God can change any situation- this i agree with) but God also doesn’t mess with free will, and if a person decides that this is how they want to behave, and they have proven over and over that they aren’t willing to change because they truly believe they’ve done nothing wrong, you need to GET OUT. If your church leaders don’t support you- pray that God will provide a wise and supportive person for you to confide in. Sadly many pastors or biblical counselors are just not equipped or educated enough about narcissism and what it looks like when someone gaslights you or makes you believe that you have a mental health issue. But GOD WILL put boundaries around you and protect you when its time to leave.”

      Thank you for saying this. So many people need to hear this.

  10. Catherine says:

    I am becoming more and more confident that my husband is A narc. I now have a scar on my face because of a narc rage fit. The scuffle was minor but I still paid with my complexion. And I am sure you can imagine his concern. thank you for this site.

  11. Rita says:

    Thank you for your blog and information. I’ve been married almost 8 years to a very nice, covert narcissist. He’s a good provider, faithful, pleasant. He’s also superficial, ignores or distracts himself from my (and his sos’s) inner world, and seems to be benefiting from my being in his life yet won’t seek out any intimacy with me. He is unengageable. And, when I or others talk about themselves, he invariably gets to the point where he has to look away or walk away. (His sister is the same way.) I used to be so lighthearted and thought the best of my husband, but now I feel corrupted. And tired. I used to be pretty, but now I’m 20 pounds heavier, and don’t care much about how I look. I have no desire to please my husband. I guess I need to find reasons to look my best and be healthy for myself. That’s hard for me. I used to have a healthy sex drive, but cannot summon my libido for my husband. For as long as we’ve been married, he has given me a peck on the lips hello/goodbye twice a day. Perfunctory hugs. Nothing more unless we’re already in bed and he wants sex. He can’t tolerate for more than 30 seconds pleasing me in the ways I’ve requested. In the beginning, when I’d te him about my family, and life experiences, he’d forget what I’d told him. How disheartening! Now, I’m 52 and don’t know whether to stay or leave. Living life alone isn’t so great. I can’t count on finding someone else – it might not happen. My husband does support my working and can be very understanding. I’m just very lonely and have been for a long time. Lonely for an intimate partner. And for someone who doesn’t dismiss and marginalized me. I hurt inside. It’s like I’m crying on the inside all the time. How can I change my perspective so as to live happily in this non-marriage? My stepson is off to college in the Fall. I don’t want to betray his trust.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      I dont know what to tell you about your relationship with your husband. Being ignored and overlooked is a horrible painful thing to experience. I can tell you that distancing yourself emotionally from him and finding new things in life that make you happy and excited and that are fun for you to do, will change your entire outlook and bring you back to life. Being married, its natural for women to end up investing our entire selfs in the house, the man, the kids, and forget to feed our own identity. Which, when your married to a shallow, self centered man, ends up being a recipe for extreme sadness down the line when we begin to notice all our accomplishments aren’t even appreciated.

      So, make yourself a dream list and start doing things! Sounds like your about to have a lot more time on your hands with the kiddo moving off to school. If your new-found life and vitality dont wake him up, than you will have the confidence and sparkle to attract a new man, or just be happy being you.

    2. Luna says:

      You desricbed my marriage perfectly up until year 18, when he accused me of cheating on him (he said he’d felt that way our entire marriage, that I was “always up to something” ) reality was he had a thing going on at work. And then, all the behavior worsened.

  12. jessica says:

    I have never left a comment, ever. However reading through your blog, I absolutely had to! Especially the “about me” because we are so alike I thought I was reading my biography. Maybe its the personality that narcissists choose? But I too am a mother, of two, I was 16 days shy of 13 years of marriage to a narcissist, though I didn’t realize it until after I left- oddly. I’ve asked myself so many times, how did I not know? How did I allow that to become who I was? Why? But you explained it in words that I haven’t been able to. And for that, thank you!!! I am also a student, my major has changed a few times, the stress from a jealous spouse, kids and caretaking of my grandmother not to mention the demands of school, I failed out of my nursing program with only 1 semester remaining. However I will finish what I started and earn a degree in something! I’m an artist, I never allowed him to take that from me, because I too his it deep within. I allowed his negativity to overcome me once and I was miserable! Otherwise and since that one time, I always look for the best in people, empathize with others situations to better understand so that I am not judgmental. I am loyal to a fault, I forgive too easily, I put my heart into everything, everyone and every relationship. I take everything personal because I give whole heartedly so everything is personal. I am ADHD, which was his all time go to when he couldn’t find fault anywhere else. Even now he’ll try to use it, only now I’m the b**** he never meet and come back with a simple, and you can’t see color to pick out your own clothes. How’s that going for you? Yes I am still angry and hurt and I am working in not being angry. Hurt? I’m not sure if that will go away, but it won’t win out when I’m upset. I’m proud that I was able to recognize that it wasn’t normal and it wasn’t okay to be made to live that way and to be treated, like you said a child! I’m proud I finally did what was right. Not simply right for me and my children, but what was right. And I am happy for you that you have a plan. That you too have recognized was you have lived is wrong. And just from reading your blog I can tell that YOU are enough for your children. YOU will be able to provide what they need. So don’t allow consideration for his well being to keep you any longer than YOU need. I wish you the best in everything!

  13. S. Denise says:

    I have been married to a narcissist for 19 years. This is my year. I am finally able to say that I am done. We have two children together, ages 17 and 12. The emotional abuse, deception, control and manipulation that I have endured has changed me in so many ways. I have lived in fear, walked on eggshells, and thought for many years that it was all ME – because he brainwashed me into believing that all of our problems were MY fault. Once I got the courage to go to counseling, my eyes were completely opened to the truth. The rest of the world sees him as an amazing guy. Nobody would believe what all he has done to me because he makes sure to maintain a perfect image – and he works very hard to keep up that image in order to gain narcissistic supply. It is very difficult to be told what a terrible person I am in so many ways – how I am a terrible parent, I think I’m so perfect – I don’t do enough, I’m evil – that list goes on for miles and I hear it pretty much on a weekly basis. Then an hour or so later, he’s texting me asking about dinner and acting as if nothing happened. Never any apology or remorse or repentance. Then he will go out in public and be the nicest guy on the planet – people just think he is the greatest. Being married to a narcissist has changed me and affected me in ways that I can’t even put into words. It is so destructive and I have become physically sick as a result. I am now considered auto-immune and started going through menopause at age 41 – very young. I have no doubt that the stress from my marriage has made me sick. I am very fearful of his retaliation when I leave, but I have no other choice. Anything has to be better than this. It is the “honeymoon phase” – the days that he can be “normal” – that have kept me here for so long. When things are okay, I think “well, this isn’t so terrible. I don’t love him or want anything to do with him, but I can stay for my kids.” That way of thinking only lasts until the next time he gets angry and starts with the emotional abuse, which is always right around the corner. I believe that I have a hope and a future – and I have no doubt that God is writing my new story as I type this. HE is going to turn the tables in my life.

  14. Cassie says:

    Thank you. Thank you so much. For your bravery. You will get there. I did. I didn’t know I was married to a narcissist. But I knew something was terribly wrong. I just didn’t know what it was called.

    The day I moved out, an article about narcissists and empaths appeared on my FB. I was drawn to it immediately and the fury in which I sought more info left me sleepless and a wreck. The life I had lived for 8 years was real!!!! I could feel it wasn’t me but the abuse left me so confused. Even when my body and mind screamed “Get Out, Get Out !” I ignored it.
    My life was now suddenly validated and my world and perception changed in an instant.

    It is a week later and although it has been filled with shock and the acceptance that these things actually happened, I am happy.

    And proud.

    It was my daughter, 4 1/2, who, after one of his weekend long tirades, asked 4 days in a row if we could move. She told me her pappa was mean to me and that she didn’t feel sorry for him.

    4 and a half.

    I have read up on divorce and narcissists and feel much stronger, prepared and even….powerful.

    I’m back. Or at least on my way.
    I’m in a foreign country without any family and looking for a new job. And I will be just fine…..because NOTHING could be harder than living with a narcissist.

    I’ve gone to the doctor, a fabulous woman who’d I’d never met before. She let me cry for my 30 minutes, listened, BELIEVED me me a hug and 10 free sessions in therapy!!!

    I am so grateful for this second chance. Because I know I will rock it.
    I’m still in shock. I cry every day and I know this process will be long…..but I am free.

    I am a fighter. A fabulous person. An amazing mother. A skilled and competent nurse. I EXIST!!!!!

    It’s been a week. My mind has been racing. I drop our daughter off at his place today. It is actually our place (fucker didn’t want a prenup…probably thought I’d never leave, I own half of EVERYTHING including his company!!!).Legally, I got him. And one of the city’s most powerful men and his daughter (he is my patient, she is often visiting) …they just knew, they somehow figured it out. They gave me the apt I’m in plus have “given” me their lawyer.

    Overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and kindness after so many years of abuse.

    You will be okay. You have helped me to recognize that I am FAR from alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

    I thinking of you, whoever you are and sending you strength. You will get out.

    Keep strong.

    Hugs,
    Cassie

  15. Jasmine says:

    You are an amazing woman. Thank you for studying psychology and THANK YOU for writing this. Its taken 10 years of marriage and 1 year of personal therapy to realise I might not be the whole problem. You have found the words to describe my relationship and probably the relationships of many other couples. I actually feel relief, its not all me and I’m not alone. Lots of Love. J

  16. Lindsay Parson says:

    The things that I have just read from your comments above have been haunting me for a few years now. I have gone through the loss of self and am slowly reclaiming it. I am utterly exhausted and stressed all of the time, but I do have hope. Thank you for posting all that you have. It is so very helpful to look and see that I am not the only one experiencing this.

  17. Grace says:

    I am very thankful to read your story and everyone else’s comments. I was feeling desperate. I can’t even believe how I found you all!!
    Thank you and I will keep following you.

  18. Marre Wosten says:

    Thank You!!!!!!
    My story is long 24 years…..i was alone , knowing something was very wrong, i didn”t know about Malignant Narcisist / Psychopaths Abuse until when I was ready to get out . When I did ,2 years ago , he used his LIES to destroy my credibility in court and I lost custody of my 6 kids. He brainwashed my older 3 kids to not speak to me , so I have nt seen them in two years. Now he refuses to grant me visitation w my 10, 12 and 15 yr old. I have been to 2 pschytrists and been in therapy for 2 years, they all tell me i am recovering from Narcisist Abuse , i cannot “move on” until my kids know the truth, until I can be ther mother again. I am working on finding a way to get information about The Red Flags to College students, I live in Athens , Ga the campus of UGA , where date rape is rampant. My ex was a frat boy , who showed little respect for women , and i often heard him make comments like ” she asked for it” when reading the News of an incident……

    1. Beth says:

      I too have wished there was a way to warn or inform of this kind of abuse. Especially to college aged kids.

  19. Vivian Griggs says:

    I’m just starting this journey. I don’t know if my husband is a narcissist or just very self centered. Reading your posts is like having someone chronicle my life. It’s reassuring that other people are experiencing the same thing; that I’m not crazy. Thank you for your honesty!

    1. Nicole S says:

      Vivian-I wasn’t sure my husband was a narcissist or not either at first but now I know for sure that he is. True test if he is a narcissist is if he genuinely cares about your feelings or not. If he does not, then he is a narc. My husband said he cared about my feelings but his actions said otherwise. Most likely if you are looking up info on narcissists, then you probably are dealing with one.

  20. Kay says:

    Hey there, sweetheart. as someone who learned just over a year ago about what an Empath is (and that I am most definitely one!), I’ve started looking into things like this, and cannot describe how similar my situation was. I am sending love and hugs and good thoughts to you as you work toward financial and lifestyle freedom so that you can finally separate yourself from your narcissistic husband, honey. You can do this. It is just a matter of time. With planning, hard work (I know you’ve been working to the bone for years, just to get by, putting up with a guy like that, but keep it up! it will be soo work it!), and a little bit of luck (plus good friends!), you WILL be free of him soon.

    Personally, after spending 3 years on and off living with my narcissistic ex, and then a year of being “not together” but unable to get him to leave me alone, I moved across the country to get myself the freedom I felt I needed. I moved to Florida, started a whole new life for myself, and it has been more than I ever dreamed of. The first year was a very difficult transition, and a lot of things did not go my way until the second year here, but it has been so worth every second of planning, and every minute of fear about leaving him. I am open to the possibilities life has to offer now, and that is a miracle that you will soon experience. Stay strong, lovely!

  21. Martha Cass says:

    Thank you for sharing your story and putting so well into words your thoughts and observations of what a nightmare living with a narcissist is.

    I lived with one for 20 years and just 2 months ago separated with 700 miles between us.

    I know the loneliness, the self doubt, the verbal abuse, the rage, the abandonment, the walking on eggshells… the control to which I freely gave him.

    It took losing everything I owened including my house and inheritance before I could let go.

    My son and I moved in with my cousin only to discover that she is living with one, but is in complete denial if it.
    After moving 2 states away with not much more than a few boxes of keepsakes, I am moving back to KC.
    I promised myself that I would never let anyone treat me the way my husband did, and that is exactly what has happened here.
    Her boyfriend has verbally attacked me twice with no cause except to put me down and make it impossible for me to stay here. What hurts is that my cousin let him do it. and did not stand up for me.
    I think he is afraid of losing his control.
    I feel sorry for what she has in store for her

    Anyway. Thank you for being here.

    Martha

  22. sherry walker says:

    Wow!! I now have a word to put with the face…. My life has been a living hell on earth and everything you have said is true right down to the last letter,,. And getting away iseems impossible. Its like a vitcious diease that u cant find a cure for…. and everyone especially the law thinks he is made of gold… . Thank you for sharing. I am not crazy after all.

    1. Gabby vasko says:

      I just wanted to comment tell you how much your post have affected me. I started reading some of your post and couldn’t believe that I was reading about someone else’s life and not my own. I have been married for 7 years to a man I believe is a narcissist but I have just recently had my eyes opened to what is actually going on and how it’s hurting myself and my 2 kids. I thought before that I was depressed or that there was something wrong with me , I have just recently decided that despite his telling me “I will not make it without him ” that I can make it and I will be so much happier for it. I did have a question if anyone happens to know the answer, how do narcs handle the death of loved ones? 3 years ago my husbands grandmother died and according to his aunt and mom he was close to until he married me. But something that has always bothered me is I was the one yo break the news that she had passed and he showed no emotion he acted like I told him dinner was ready and when I questioned him he simply said that he handles pain different.
      I think I have had my breaking point last night when I refused to engage in an argument over not going to bed with him so when I did come to bed 30 min later he said he wasn’t going to let me sleep even though I had to be awake at 400am for work, I ignored this which made him even more angry and he turned on the loudest screamo music he could find and sat it next to my ear. When I completely ignored that as well he started screaming at me that he would stay awake all night to make sure I didn’t get any sleep since I couldn’t give him the decency of talking about how I hurt his feeling… can you believe I could ever be so rude! *sarcasm*. I am planning to leave as soon as I can speak to a lawyer. I wish all of you the very best life you can have and that all of you will heal and find someone that truly loves you for the beautiful person that you are.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        Ive had that happen to me as well, he even got the baby out of bed and brought her in to play with me in the middle of the night. Amazing how when were in the middle of the experience we somehow accept it and move on, and dont realize how extremely NOT NORMAL these narcs are acting…

  23. angie says:

    Is there away I can contact you privately? I have alot of questions but I can’t go into details now. He’ll be back soon.

      1. OMG! I feel like I’m writing a crazed fan letter to a celebrity or something! The reason why I say this is because I stumbled upon your 19 Signs your married to a Narcissist Article, one day, and with every word I read, I felt like you had written an autobiography of my married life story.

        My eyes started out like slits and by the time I was done they were the size of half dollars. I just couldn’t believe that the exact same behaviors that your husband was displaying were the exact same behaviors as mine. I mean to a T. I had to look around the room to see if there were cameras following me. It was freaky.

        At that moment, I felt like I need to speak to you. May I email you as well?
        You see, I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years and it wasn’t until I finally got the courage to leave him (however regretfully I came back) that I took the time to really research if what was happening in our marriage was all in my head. I had got used to him telling me that. I would read psychology book by psychology book and I still found myself thinking maybe it was me. But because of my strong instincts I knew that it couldn’t entirely me. I would not allow myself to believe that. I had came to the conclusion that possibly it was some sort of mental and emotional abuse that he was putting me through all of those years and I still do, however now I see that it may be this as well.

        But it wasn’t until I read YOUR article that I made me exhale and confirm to me that I wasn’t crazy, which he enjoyed labeling me when I would call him out on his behavior.

        Your article and blog assured me that I am not crazy!! You proved to me that it was not all in my head the things that he was doing to me. I would call this chance upon your blog a miracle to me! Are you sure were not married to the exact same man? Hahaha! I started my own blog just two weeks ago based off of the inspiration of your blog. The last post I wrote yesterday, I titled, “I live in your shoes, Samantha Mattews”.I hope you don’t mind…

        1. Samantha Matthews says:

          I dont mind at all, and Thank You! Seriously, reading your comment made my day. Reading all your guys stories helps ME to remember Im not crazy, because I think they all try and make us feel that way. I know its been pretty intense on that spectrum for me lately. sigh…

          Yes, I would love to speak more with you, my email is sammatthewsnw@gmail.com 🙂

          1. Thank you sooo much!!

          2. niclovez3 says:

            Honestly reading all of this is like reading my life even tho I know none of u. Every time I get the strong feeling I can do this n grow like huge balls to leave even packing up everything he shows up. Always w/ this look like he knows what I’m about to do so he flips moods and becomes that sweet guy trying to kiss me in talk to me and as hard as I try not to look at him or pull away he somehow changes my mind sometimes I feel as if I don’t even control my own everything (moods, actions, emotions, etc.) I feel crazy all the time and say way to much I just want my happy life back cause OMW i freaking want it back so bad. Since 2012 I feel like everything about me is gone and right in front of me it all happened and I allowed it yet I stay why? Ive walked away from relationships with way less drama and emotional hurt and never looked back. So why cant I leave this? Ive looked at him and asked him more then once “is it me am I crazy like u say I am”? He never responds. The friends that I still have which isn’t many now and even they call less and less and never come over, my family I haven’t seen in mouths, but he sure sees his and makes it known to me that it is a privilege if I get to go with him so I had better kiss the floor he walks on. And so I do b/c honestly I don’t mind sitting home alone but after about the 3rd day of doing nothing but sleep the day away (b/c it goes by faster that way) I do whatever he ask of me. It sucks to see my life as it is, I wish I knew how to wake up outta this wicked bad dream cause I cant take no more hurt I just cant. There’s gotta be a light at the end of all this right? I mean what are we still living for if not? How can I get my life back cause I just wanna breath again just 1 deep breath of nothing where my shoulders don’t hurt anymore, I’m not looking over my shoulder, explaining myself for everything I do (yes even when I pee) he walks in on me making sure I’m not up to anything nice right. I just cant take no more, I cant even cry anymore, more less b/c I feel numb w no emotion at all even asking “how should I feel?” “how do u want me to feel, so I can do it and u can just be happy w me for once.”
            Idk anymore but reading ur blogs do help me feel not so crazy I mean I know I’m not but maybe I am maybe it is me IDK anymore

            1. Samantha Matthews says:

              Its not you, but you need to start cultivating your own interests apart from him. Find something you like and just start reading about it, you don’t have to make huge strides, and you don’t have to leave tomorrow, but you do need to start regaining yourself or you will never be able to leave him. Focus on becoming your own person, not on leaving him necessarily or on getting away. The more you get yourself back ,the more you will move away from him emotionally and will be able to start thinking clearly again. <3

  24. jill Nelson says:

    love your essays. Check out my site at http://www.jillannnelson.com

  25. Lisa says:

    So glad I found this blog. I’m not even sure where to start without having a breakdown. I admire your strength for writing this. …

  26. Marni says:

    I am considering moving away as well. He has the kids and uses them like POWs. And the court thinks Im the one that is not mentally whole.

  27. Erin says:

    This whole site is beacon of hope in this sick dark hell I call my life right now. I cant go anywhere because he has me just where he wants me and I hate it that I was so dumb to get this far into his twisted game, I was young and just needed to be needed. At this stage there is no escape or anyway to get rid of him, I just cant do this to myself anymore and more importantly to my daughter who is only 6, yes he is her father but he plays her like a fiddle and makes me the bad parent in her eyes… I would never say a bad word to her about him or try turn her against him because at the end of the day he is her dad, but how can I make her see what he is doing is evil and show her that you dont treat people you love like this… Narcissistic, Sociopathic ,Abusive, Alcoholic, Delusional, and Unaccountable for any of his actions actions… What is it I have I done as a decent caring kind person to deserve this? Nothing!!! Because I am not a sick individual no matter how may times ive been made to believe I am, All I have ever been is kind and supportive … Sick evil people like these monsters should be marked so that they don’t go about destroying the souls of anyone else who is unlucky enough to find themselves in their path…
    Even though I cant leave right now I can at least say that I now can see right through his facade and I know what kind of evil im dealing with. I am so fearful of what he will do when I can finally get divorced, he is going to make me look like a crazy terrible person, oh wait I can handle it, not the first time or last i will be portrayed as that… Why is it so hard to keep it together and not actually have a breakdown all the time, its so taxing to be functional when this is my truth and my life right now. I hate him and hate the bitter cold person he has turned me into….( Today is just a bad day… my wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I cant wait to see the big fake show that will be put on for everyone else to see, if there is one at all)

  28. Julie says:

    My divorce from my narcissist just became final four months ago but I had the strength to get him to move out of my house a year ago, letting him think it was his idea to leave. For five years, I walked around in a daze, wondering how after catching him on dating sites and talking dirty to other women, how I’d end up apologizing. Although I’m sure he had affairs the whole time we were dating, I didn’t pursue them until a month after we were married – following a miscarriage and a bout of pneumonia. (Narcissists don’t like what they perceive as “weakness.”) He even had the audacity to introduce his girlfriend to his 12-year-old daughter and told his daughter not to tell me. I had to cancel our wedding reception because we eloped and filed for divorce shortly after but somehow he talked me into moving five hours away from friends and family to “start over.” Just because the scenery changed didn’t mean our problems did.

    After I caught him on craigslist trying to meet a couple, his normal reaction was to scream in my face, and call me names but that particular one because the proof was there that he couldn’t weasel his way out of it, he chose to cry. Once I educated myself and started to look at him as a science project, I became immune to his crying, name-calling, screaming. And I became immune to every tool he used to charm me back in the past. Narcissists have a sixth sense about when you’re thinking about leaving. Suddenly, they’re loving and attentive again so it makes it harder to leave them. Once I broke free from his emotional attachment and became intellectually aware of his actions, I saw the patterns and where I normally would get sucked right back in. I realized that only I could change my shitty existence – and decided I didn’t want to live with a man who cheated on me, degraded me, turned me into someone I didn’t recognize, abused me emotionally and financially.

    You did an excellent job of summing up the stages – definitely the point of view of someone who lives this hell. Mine followed every step to the tee – and once you’re so far in, you just want the guy that you first met to come back. The most important thing for anyone going through this to remember is that narcissists aren’t capable of loving you the way you deserve to be. Self-preservation should be your top priority. No one should have to suffer going through life alongside someone who doesn’t care about who you really are – your opinions, your well-being, your health. Good luck to everyone dealing with this. I’m so much happier! You can live without him!

  29. Aundrea says:

    I am scared to leave because that means my precious children will be left to defend themselves 50% of the time. I can’t do that to them. Any thoughts?

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      I don’t know what to tell you. How old are your kids? Is he physically violent? Are you afraid for their lives? I HATE to say this, but if they’re old enough and he’s not actively abusing them, you may have to accept that they will have to learn the true nature of their father first hand. I don’t know the laws in your state, or your financial situation, you may be able to fight and get full custody. You should consult with a womens shelter and see what resources and laws are in effect in your area. Do the best you can and make the best choice you can. There is no perfect outcome in our situations, unfortunately. :/

    2. Jean says:

      I too was scared to leave. A year ago I filed for divorce which he supported but made it look like his idea in court – but he never left the house. We were under the same roof for another 4 months. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

      Using the court system, I was able to sell the house and 6 months ago I moved into another home with my kids. My children are now teenagers and able to think for themselves so they get a say in where they want to live.

      The court process is becoming just as abusive as the relationship of 26 years but now he is telling the courts that I suffer from psychosis and personality disorders – something I have to defend. Fortunately. I had financial control as he doesn’t work relying on social security for income. There is light at the end of the tunnel with pre trial only a few months away.

      On the up side, the kids are ok. I have them full time as they simply came with me when I moved. They don’t suffer the same abuse and although he wants them 50% of the time, his own mental health issues (that have become quite severe over the last few years) could be his downfall.

      You would be surprised at how many friends you have that will help you through this. You just need to ask for their help. Most of them will probably be grateful that you are making a stand. They probably don’t like him anyway and tolerate him for your sake. That is what I discovered and I wish I had asked them sooner.

      Stay strong.

  30. Marni says:

    I ended up losing mine – so you need to prepare that he will go there. I foolishly thought mine would not – and that is what cost me.

  31. Kasey says:

    I just got out of a terrible, three year long relationship a few months ago and I came across this page. I read your Open Letter article and your words were so spot on that I bursted into tears. I now know why I was treated the way I was for so long. I am so sorry for you, because I know this pain so well. No one should have to live that way. Thank you so much for making this page.

  32. Joy says:

    I just now found this site. I NEVER make replies to anything but this time, what the hell. My mother is both narcissistic and paranoid. I read “How to Manipulate a Narcissist. I laughed on and on as you reflected on your relationship. I have so many stories I could tell but instead I became a therapist. My mother has been banned from me almost a year now. This had happened in the past several times, bit this time is different. I will chose when and where we meet, when and if, I decide to see her. In response she has gone to my adult children, my ex-husband, my ex husbands new wife, etc to help them understand what is really wrong with me. It’s probably going to be another year or two until I see her, if that. NO one owes their parents a thing if they are narcissistic. You have validated the Narc every time you stand up to them…so why bother. Sadly, it takes a long time to figure this out.

  33. Sue says:

    After reading your amazing self-awareness story, I realized that my ex-husband was a narcissist, not just an arrogant a-hole! Just recently, I’ve been thinking that the man I’ve been involved with for the last 10 years is also a narcissist. Your story helped confirm it! Luckily, this relationship is mostly long distance. I’ve tried but can’t get rid of him! I love being on my own. With the help of your story and those whom have commented, I feel validated, it’s not me, it’s them! Thank you for voicing your struggle.

  34. ViBella says:

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write all this and document your experiences. I have recently started realizing that my relationship of five year, and marriage of 2, has been a shame the entire time. The more I read and the more information I find the more I’m starting to understand the true depth of the constant abuse I’ve endured. It’s truly amazing how deeply you can let yourself sink without ever seeing the true picture. I’m just thankful that his recent behavior has been so extreme and volatile that it’s opened my eyes. I’ve been planning my escape all week and have friends helping me get out tomorrow. Good luck to you with your and all the best. Your articles and really opened my eyes even further.

  35. K says:

    I am currently separating from my husband. He is a narc. Things came to a head a few nights ago and became physical. The police were called and he has since been banished from our home.

    The thing is, he is a Social Worker, the worst kind of narc due to the fact that he KNOWS how to talk and manipulate everyone. I thought I was immune and held on for almost ten years. I have since began the process of leaving him. He has called, texted and continues to try to find ground. No apologizes, of course but I’m past trying to “earn” one.

    This time is about me and my children. This time, the wool is no longer creating haze in my vision. This time, I will do everything in my power to rid my life of such negativity and strife. It is over and I will rise.

  36. JesCika Dunkin says:

    Just following this and at the beginning of finding out this about my bf. I always thought passive aggressive but what you write could be my life. I am trying to stay strong for the kids. I have enough self esteem I feel like I need to do damage control and take what I can for them cause I would die to leave them with him. It is such an emotional roller coaster in this life. The charm for sure is unforgettable and draws you in like no other. The silent treatments are a daily thing now and the constant ignorance is such a lonely feeling. I always say if I can explain being with him in one world it would be Lonely. It is such a mind fuck being in this situation, and I wonder sometimes what I am here to learn or maybe teach him in this lifetime cause I know I wouldn’t have signed up for this for nothing.

  37. Dee says:

    Every single thing you said is right on I’m an emotional wreck I am 5 months single now and I feel worthless and used and I actually believe I was the crazy one my story is too long to type but does it get easier? I have his children do I ever find piece? Does it ever just stop the feelings I mean it’s almost like a stockhom syndrome like you can’t live without them because they made you this way even with all of the emotional abuse, I’m jealous of his new target I’m jealous of him living his life happy after 8 years of destroying mine, my finances my home my mind, I’m angry because when is his karma gonna come for what he did to me??????????? Why is god letting him be happy with his new girl living this happy life while I sit and raise his kids broke and struggling I need answers I’m going crazy

    1. Christa says:

      Hello Dee. It has been several months since your post and I hope you are doing better now. If you haven’t done so already, I have found that seeing a psychologist (therapist) has been incredibly beneficial in my continued journey after 10-years of being destroyed by my narcissist soon to be ex-husband. All of the feelings that you described are completely normal and a therapist can help you define why those things are bothering you and how to overcome them. Like you said, each of our stories are way too long to try to write however, each of us that have been through this type of abuse have similar stories of recovery. I moved out 7 1/2 months ago. I have my own apartment with an incredibly happy and joyful 4 year old son. I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could because I was told how I was never good enough for so many years. Guess what? Not only am I good enough, but I’m better and stronger than I ever imagined. I pray that you are doing well. Cast off the anger…feel sorry for the new girl if you must…it’s only a matter of time for her.

    2. seanstoirm says:

      Loneliness is simply the absence of abuse. This person has filled you life, time and thoughts day and night for years. The hole they leave is just that – a gap needing filled with your own interests and thoughts. Good luck and be happy, you’ve earned it!

  38. Donna says:

    I saved your letter to your abusive husband. Because that was me except he referred to me as ‘the boss’, although I was never in a more powerless position in my life. Your letter had me remembering every indignity my narcissistic partner inflicted on me. The horrible ‘jokes’ which would have me tears and him mocking me. Even being an artist and hiding that part of me in case he destroyed it. That part of me was too sacred to expose to him. I am 12 months out of the relationship. I am on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist. I too started studying psychology. There is a better life for you. I am about to launch my pet portrait business. (Pastels). Please garner your support and leave. Good luck x

  39. Katie says:

    Wow. I was married to a Narcissistic sociopath for ten years. The abuse to myself and then post-divorce was unmentionable. I’ve read so many blogs/articles/books on the cycle that I really believed no one could shock me but you have hit the nail on the head. You have two options in dealing, and the second mentioned is far more dangerous to the “healthy” individual, as well as next to impossible with a full blown control seeker. I cannot tell you the days and nights I thought through my “dealing” and watched myself attempt to become a mirror. And I was bad at my game. I see young girls rushing into marriage with men after only months of dating and I’m terrified for them and their future children. Best of luck- when you have kids, the battle begins with leaving.

  40. Dana says:

    You are so courageous, braver than you can imagine. Love and prayers to you

  41. Suzanne says:

    Thank you for your courage and your story. I am in the same situation with my husband. I related to your words and expereince verbatim. I served him divorce paper 3 weeks ago and now I’m focusing on me, my kids and emotional well-being and financial stability.

    I look forward to your posts.

    Thanks again!

    xo
    Suzanne

  42. Kerry Lewis says:

    Hi there. I found your article in sept just after I had left my narc husband and it was a breath of fresh air. All the doubt that it was me at fault drifted away. When he turned on me last week and said he was going to destroy me I started to dig around and now know he hospitalised his 1 st wife and left his 2nd for dead. Of course he lead me to believe that he was the victim. Also he has embezzled me out of 10s of thousands of pounds as the company’s he said were ‘working with’ our money and USA property simply don’t exist. I could go on but u get the picture . Thank u again for your bravery and strength . Kerry

  43. Mandi Harlow says:

    I just found this site. I cannot believe that our lives and thoughts are so similar. Thank you so much for sharing! I was independent before I met him. Now he has control of everything. But I too am working on the financial part. When that is complete. I’m done!

  44. Cheryle says:

    You forgot you are a GLORIOUS shining beacon of hope in an otherwise mournful life! Never forget that. Your daughters are little but they are already seeing that their mother is one strong bitch! I am the adult child scapegoat of two narcissistic parents and two narcissistic sisters. I am the ex-wife of one narc and the present wife (20 long, exhausting years worth) of another. My entire family betrayed and abandoned me on Christmas day of 2012, one month after finding out I had cervical cancer and had a total hysterectomy. It took me 2 1/2 years to recover from that, with zero help from my narc husband. I am one strong bitch today and I have all of them to thank for making me a fighter!
    I chose method one of how to manipulate à narcissist. Whatever they give I give it right back. I used to think it would all kill me, today, I no longer feel the need to have anyone like me and no longer need validation from anyone to know I am a spectacular woman! I am stronger and tougher than any of them. Not a single one of them would last a day in my shoes. Nothing scares me anymore. Bring it on!
    You, too, are stronger than you know.

    1. Christa says:

      You’re a badass and I am happy for you! Surviving this is no small feat.

  45. Lisa says:

    Oh, I so wish we could all meet for coffee and fellowship. To have another truly understand the hell we have each been living would be a blessing. To offer prayer and encouragement and validation to each other would be empowering. My heart goes out to all of you. I was married to him for 22 years. We have three beautiful kids who are now teens and moving on with their lives. We have been so affected by his control, manipulation and emotional abuse that there are some days that all I can do is cry. Our divorce was final almost 6 months ago, but the attempts at controlling have not ended. I am making 2016 my year of new beginnings…..job, mindset, intentions. I pray you will each heal a little and move further down your path toward freedom.

  46. Corinne says:

    You’re literally the first person who said the words I’ve been trying to express to the people who shun me for staying. I’m damned if I go and I’m damned if I don’t. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not insane.

    1. Christa says:

      You are not damned if you go. It was the hardest decision I have made in my life but the best move I could have made. I literally survived on xanex and water for the three weeks before I made my break. I borrowed money, signed a lease, rented a u-haul and coordinated with the close friends I have and did it. While he worked at night I left. He came home to all of my things and my son’s things removed. You can do it. I spent the better part of the last six months building up the strength to fight back and this blog has helped me define what happened and why I lost my ‘voice’ so many years ago. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire adult life. It sounds ridiculous but when you find happiness, everything changes. Music sounds different, you can appreciate simple things like a cup of tea and quiet. I pray that you find it in yourself to make the move. I understand completely how terrifying it is. I also know that money is a huge issue, at least it was for me. I am an executive professional and he had complete control over all of my income. I had to go to my father for help to leave. Not only do I have a divorce to pay for but a bankruptcy to deal with too. With all of that being said, there is no price tag on happiness! Again, I hope you are well.

  47. I really needed to find you… Really Really needed to find someone just like you and maybe others. Hopefully you can direct me to some online support. I met, fell in love with, and married my wife (I am lesbian) under very codependent circumstances in it’self. I was homeless after losing everything twice due to my health issues. For over a year I was like a moving target for any lesbian on FB with an agenda, and I knew my wife had issues from the start. She was a heavy drinker, hoarder with 12 cats. Maybe I thought I could fix her being that I had 3 years sober myself at the time, but I tend to always be the kind of person who would always see the hope in things and although it seemed most ppl considered her hopeless, to me I only saw possibilities because I knew how I was when I was drinking

    But it seemed too good to be true from the start. And I won’t go into everything. Maybe you can message me yourself but I am starting a blog. Not only is she a Narc, but she was recently diagnosed with DID (multiple personality disorder) and Borderline personality disorder. Can you direct me to some online support, aside from FB groups because we have friends and mutal friends and I don’t feel safe and secure posting about here there. I do have a private group I created just my friends and those I trust.

  48. marsha says:

    I stumbled on this site yesterday and I’m so glad I did! I thought I was the only one going through this………..I’ve been married 47 yrs. and I thought he was the perfect man……at first the things he said and did were so subtle I never saw it coming…in fact I didn’t realize until last year that it’s him and not me! I could write a book on the things that have happened. I have ended up with severe panic attacks and agoraphobia…I haven’t driven alone in 40 yrs. My children were brought up to believe I was crazy….I even was to a point I thought I was crazy…if I wasn’t why was he treating me this way? I have no family or friends left……….I only go and do what he decides…….I got a new therapist last year and now he thinks she’s not helping, meaning I will be giving her up soon.. I will continue to check this site and look for new hints to help me. I don’t wish living with a narcissist on anyone!!!

  49. Ann says:

    I found your site while researching something else. So glad I did. I have one question – how do I get out? Married for nearly 25 years, have several kids. He’s primary breadwinner. I work, but it’s a low-paying job. Recently went back to school to study counseling … yes, I get the irony … and my original plan was to get out when I got my degree. I die a little each day and don’t think I can last much longer. I’ve felt trapped – knew all along that I married my dad, also a narcissist – but since he abused me and I felt desperate to escape, I landed into the hands of someone I thought cared about me but is just another abuser. I’ve been to a lawyer, a financial planner and don’t have the funds to proceed. I’m scared too because I know that this will be a nasty divorce. I don’t want to be poor again. Is it worth holding on just to remain comfortable? So many questions and confusion.

    1. Lisa Mize says:

      Ann, it will be ugly. I just got out after 24 years and three kids. It is still ugly. Even though the divorce was final last July, he is still trying to control and manipulate. However, you need to value yourself and your sanity. How much is enough? I was a shell of a person. My friends didn’t recognize me. I was miserable. Controlled, manipulated and abused to the point of breaking. Now, six months post divorce, I am better off. Healing, slowly. Showing my now teenage children what normal behavior looks like. Not wanting them to repeat the cycle of abuse. Is it hard? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes. If you believe in God, believe that He will never leave your side. Pray without ceasing. Have a support group around you. And an attorney who has experience divorcing a narcissist. You are stronger than you think. Grace and peace to you Ann.

  50. Dawn Marusov says:

    I just happened upon your site through Pinterest. .and read your post How to Manipulate a Narcissist. .deja-vu. . JANUARY 13, 2016 I finally had the strength to end my 2 1/2 yr relationship with a Narcissistic Manipulator. .I like yourself am a Highly Sensitive Empath and was easy prey for my “Narc”. .your story is my story. .your words are my words I’ve written a 1000 times in my head. .I wish you all the strength and courage in the universe. .Dawn

  51. Alicia says:

    Oh wow. My gut is rolling right now because I could have written that. I am done are the words I have said to myself like a mantra lately. Things went really bad a month ago and I filed a restraining order and haven’t seen him since other than court. I got a lawyer at legal aid and filed for a separation. Although I am scared to death sometimes, at other times I am full of hopes and dreams and I know I will be okay. I hope we are
    both going to be okay.

  52. Gettingit says:

    I found out about 6 months ago what I am dealing with and your articles are like reading about my life. Thank you for articulating it all! I wish you all the best! I have adopted this verse to get me through right now…sharing it in case it helps you too!

    “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 TIM1:7

    Peace!

  53. Radon renowski (pseudonym) says:

    Another Narcissict’s wife here… This site saved my life last night. Or at least, allowed that last little quivering thread of sanity not to finally snap. I’ve felt so incredibly alone and isolated in my situation. Ive been trying for so long to make sense of things I will never understand no matter how many psychology white papers I read… Enduring the life shattering heartbreak that comes with realizing the person I married isn’t who I thought, and I thought I had it all,and the rug got pulled out from under me and I feel I’ve come so close to losing everything… My friends, family, job, even myself, and nowhere to turn. It’s more than comforting to know that I am NOT alone, and I can put a name and a context around all this. Reading your posts was like reading my own thoughts word for word. It’s incredibly brave of you to put all this out there.

    1. Lisa says:

      Radon, I read your post and it sounded like me in so many ways. Trying to make sense of things…. because our reality is so different from theirs, it is virtually impossible to make sense of things. And it is truly maddening to try. And the life shattering heartbreak of realizing he is not who you thought he was….after you’ve built a life around him, is so utterly painful. Excruciating. I was married to my narcissist for 22 years. We have three beautiful teenagers. My divorce was final last July. Within 6 weeks he was dating and three weeks later, engaged. I moved out with the kids. He had me sign a prenup all those years ago, which certainly protected him. Without making this sound like my sob story, I want you to know you are not alone. It’s sad how many women have been traumatized by a narcissist. It does get easier. Little by little. Like grieving, it comes in waves. And it really is grieving… for the life you thought you had, hopes, dreams. But, it will get easier. I hold tight to Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Hold on. We are here. Reach out when you need a word of encouragement or prayer. Hugs. Lisa

      1. Radon renowski (pseudonym) says:

        Oh thank you thank you. Yep I thought I had it all,my dreams came true then God ripped the rug out from under me.NEVER imagined myself in this situation. Two awesome kids but otherwise so alone, isolated because he turned everyone in his family against me without me even realizing it was happening, scapegoated me at every turn. He is finally in rehab after a downward spiral of addictions and abuse leveled on me and the children. How can i trust again after being lied to, betrayed,cheated on from day one….the worst is when I’m finally ready to talk about it you’d be shocked people reactions, classic victim shaming like why didn’t u see it coming, why didn’t you leave sooner . There’s no way to describe this kind of universe shattering pain. I wake up every day praying it’s all a bad dream. Married six years and like you, I was never cared for,considered, never had my feelings validated, dont even remember what it’s like to NOT feel worthless and belittled. But. Do have a support group in my church. I know I’m a good person, I can take responsibility, his behavior isn’t MY fault tho that’s what I’ve been gaslighted /made to believe. My ultimate goal as a Christian. Would be forgiveness and the ability to. Coparent without a negative word. As a personal therapy exercise I’m going to use your open letter as a starter template and write my own version.. Taking time to detail it all out so I can process it. The best part of the letter is at the end and it helps me greatly ,I repeat in my mind like a mantra…”I DESERVE TO BE KNOWN AND TO BE LOVED.”
        Thank you again
        Times a million

  54. Lucy says:

    Your blog has solidified my feelings about my husband…..thank you for that!

    I left him Oct 19, 2015 and it’s the best decision I have made in over a decade. Of course I’m the cause of all our problems, the instigator of all our fights and arguments, and I am the cause of his behavior and actions. His initial reaction to my leaving was to give me the silent treatment (for 2 weeks) when that didn’t work he moved on to the anger and rage associated with his being the victim. He even went as far as to threaten to take our daughter from me even though he has no financial means to care for her, lives with his elderly parents in a condemnable house, and they are all such hoarders that you have to walk over stuff and turn sideways to walk around. Now he has started the “wooing” phase and even though he is acting like the man I fell for I can see him for who he truly is.

    My daughter and I have moved in with my mother and are doing great. I am well on my way to bettering our living arrangements and have started regaining the pieces of myself that he broke off. If I can do it then you can do it as well. Have faith in yourself and know that deep down inside you are still completely there and will be whole again.

  55. Allyssa says:

    I could cry reading about you. I’ve been married almost 15 years and I just realized my husband is a narcissist. For an entire year now, my husband has had 4 emotional affairs (that I know about) and I feel doomed and hopeless. I’ve kicked him out 3 times and when I’ve told him I’m done, he gets angry and tells me I’m giving up. Yeah…I’m tired, emotionally, mentally, physically…don’t get me started on my poor innocent kids. Thank you for writing this blog.

  56. Anita says:

    Thank you for doing this. I wish you much success.

  57. Sandi says:

    I stumbled upon your blog through pintrest. I feel like I wrote your blog! Thank you for sharing yourself. You are not alone. I will continue to follow your blog. I will pray for your continued strength. God bless

  58. Lisa A. Volosin says:

    I could have written that. Every word. And I’m struggling. 6 weeks ago he left. And I’m afraid I’m broken.

  59. Lisa says:

    Every word I just read describing you, describes me. It’s like looking in the mirror only on paper. I write this as I’m lying in bed next to my daughter who today witnessed the physical assult of her mother. My husband is in jail. This is the first time he was physical. If only the police camera that captured my scrapes could capture all the marks and scars on the inside. I always imagined that I would be relieved if it ever came to this, but I’m not. I’m worried about him. I have suffered years of physiological abuse by him and now I’m doubting my actions. I am also on the “just until the kids are older and I have some financial freedom ” plan. I am strong. I can do it. But, when I looked up after he forced me out of a chair and onto the ground this afternoon and saw three girls looking back at me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell them that he didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m not going to be the kind of woman who raises girls to think that it’s ok to assault mom if she doesn’t do what daddy wants. I can’t be that woman. I called the police. They took him away and I’m left doing damage control with three crying young girls and a pissed off teenager. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’m glad I found your site and know that I’m not alone. Thank you.

    1. Gypsy says:

      Lisa-
      Your situation with your daughters and the uncertainty that ‘tomorrow’ brings (tho its been almost a yr since u left that comment) struck something in me urging my reply. I’ve been reading thru these comments for over an hour. And there are endless common threads and repetitive themes. There is, however, one that among many. The quietest, yet undoubtedly the strongest, its the heart of it all.

      Its a deep primitive connection, I believe. Awakening the divine, or sacred feminine in all of us. We’re all sisters, all connected, all keepers of the sacred womb-space where the physical and spiritual connect. Every woman who has been to this page, who has found familiarity in another woman’s story, whether she felt relief, justifiable anger, sadness, fear, or hope… She grew stronger in that moment for her sister and for herself. Even if not understood in the moment something stirs deep inside that brings out that ancient feminine energy that enables us, in that moment, to be strong enough for her (whoever she is) even when we cant find the strength for ourselves. You were given a choice the day your daughters were watching. What would they say? what would they think? what would they learn? Its easier for us to put ourselves last, ignore our wants, deny our needs… But we strive to teach our children that they are smarter that they can be better. So we would never teach them to take the hits or make excuses for those that hurt them. No. If you don’t have the strength, turn to a sister. When your sister is weak, be strong for her. Be brave and look out for each other.

      My Ex use to repeat 3 things to me every day, if not every other day.

      While dating it was,
      “You don’t deserve anything more than what you accept. Only accept the best, I’m the best for you. ”

      During our we were engagement and then marriage it was like a script, multiple times every day, he’d ask & I’d respond,
      “Who loves you like I do?”
      “Nobody” Id say.
      “Who’s ever gonna love you more than me?”
      “No one.”

      He became physical after the separation. Before or after an altercation hed shred me verbally using my deepest insecurities and family issues just to hurt, antagonize or break me he’d back me into a corner, getting close enough I could feel his breath on my skin and say,
      “So tough..? You can take the hits physically but not emotionally huh?”

      The more manipulative a narc, the more charming he will be.

      I believe you may have broken the cycle that day love.

      Always, In All Ways, sending Strength, Love & Light.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        Thank You for your words. I have goosebumps and I am proud and yet so humbled at what this page/site has become. You all are amazing, stronger than you even know. Beautiful, Fierce, Warriors, that’s why they try to destroy us, that’s why they never will. <3

  60. Sonia says:

    You are stronger than you realise she keep to your plan. At least you have an out. My mom and older sister are both narcissists the pair of them are pure poison together. Pitty I only made this discovery at the ripe old age of 35 which has brought with it a hole host of emotional issues which I pray I do not pass onto my children. Unfortunatley i cannot leave and the more i keep my distance the more i get branded “the bitch” real catch 22 considering i still hope for mother dear’s approval.

    Best of luck take it one day at a time it’s all u can so !

  61. Confused says:

    Thank you for posting this.

  62. Nickia says:

    You’re a pretty awesome lady. I’m learning a lot from you. I didn’t realize I was married to a narcissist, and I had him pegged as his own particular brand of evil. I’m also learning that I was raised by one, so I subconsciously had some of the tools I needed to protect myself and leave in my bag already. Piecing my life together since I left has been so hard, because I have been stuck in this cycle of blaming myself. Just reading what you’re going through, and understanding that it’s not me, or you, or a lot of us is so freeing. Thank you so much for your posts.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank you 🙂

  63. Sam Rodgers says:

    Hi my name is Sam I’m currently married to a narcissist and discovered he was one from my doctors. They told me to leave the relationship ASAP. I started reading material on the disorder, it empowered me to leave even though I still am recover from my brain tumor and other ailments. I moved away file for divorce and feeling life being restore at a slow pace. It feels like you are the bottom of the ocean and constantly building strength to get to shore. More waves and debris scatter in my path but I manage to think and decide the best way to maneuver my way.

  64. Emmy Narcissus says:

    Hello. I am a Narcissist (Recovering)
    Your site, while helpful for those who have suffered abuse at the hands of my kind is biased and inflammatory and inaccurate. It states categorically in many places that narcs simply cannot change, I and many others are living proof this is wrong.

    What a Narc needs to change is something you do not wish to offer them, unconditional acceptance, and I don’t blame you because its a difficult and heart bleeding journey for all involved. But for (some of) the brave souls who dare to try help their narcissist (which can ONLY be done if the narc accepts this is what they are and wants to change) there is success. Goggle “can narcissists change” and you’ll get a variety of opinions from people who have been hurt by narcs, so their opinions are tainted with emotion and biased. But if you keep looking you’ll see plenty of psychiatry professors stating outright that change IS possible.

    But I understand if youre not willing to pay the emotional toll that that change will incur in the meantime, and once again, nobody should really have to.

    and in regard to controlling and manipulating a narc, is it really ethical to respond to a narcissist’s compulsion (of which most have zero control over) by deliberately causing them emotional trauma? They cannot help what they do because of the NPD, you on the other hand don’t have that same compulsion to excuse emotionally abusing someone who is mentally disabled. And if you feel justified in doing so, is that not a sign of your own narcissism?

    I am recovering thanks to the unconditional love and understanding of my spouse. Without her support and love I would be still lying and cheating and scheming and feeling like a victim every time I did something questionable, which was often. Anyway, not trying to troll or anything, it’s just nobody ever considers that the narc just cant help this behaviour.

    Wanting to hurt a narcissist for being a narcissist is like wanting to hurt a baby for crying. I understand that living with an abusive narc is one of the most horrible tortures you can endure, but don’t think youre the only victim as both the narc and the abused partner are victims.

    I would just like it to be made clear that some narcs CAN be helped, and if you truly love your narc, and your narc has the epiphany that they are a narc then it is very possible (although still very stressful and traumatic, I will not lie) that you can help them recover.

    But please, before you decide to stay with your narc, make sure they ACTUALLY understand and ACTUALLY want to change, or you’ll just repeat the same painful loop forever

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      I totally disagree with you. Wanting to hurt a baby for crying is heartless, maneuvering a relationship with someone who is incapable/totally unwilling to empathize with you as a fellow human being is survival. Yes, a narcissist can correct their behavior, as my husband has. However, the core of who he is is still there and he is still unable to see beyond himself and accept others for who they are, including me. He does NOT admit his narcissism, nor will he.

      I make NO claims to be an expert on Narcissism, I am not a Psychologist, I am the spouse of one man and I read/study a lot. I also do not wish to make judgements of others, and I claim no authority. I have also stated at the beginning of my post (19 ways to tell you’re married to a narcissist) that these are MY observations backed by others experiences and I write from my own perspective. The fact that others identify with what I have gone though/ what I am going through, solidifies the fact that this is a disease and we, as the women/men tied to these spouses have to make the extremely difficult choices of how to proceed with the LEAST amount of distress to our children.

      Your comments, though welcome, only highlight the fact that those with Narcissism do NOT understand the totality of the destruction they perpetrate on those around them. Nor the lengths an empathetic Mother/Father will go to protect their children. I left him, I saw what it did to my kids. I was able to curb the major destructive behaviors and the rage that was destroying my family, I will sacrifice myself again (by being with him) to let my kids have some kind of stable home for as long as possible. There is no perfect solution.

      I don’t want to hurt him, I want to survive this. I want him to leave me alone, that is totally different. and your playing the victim only underscores your lack of understanding to what the true situation is. The damage caused by many narcissists is beyond the scope of what another human being should be asked to accept, and the relationship is founded on lies, which undermine the “love” you seem to take for granted. When you marry one person and are subsequently presented with another, and another who routinely tears you down, denies your humanity, and treats you like trash, do you really think “love” can endure that? The fact that you (the narcissist, not you specifically) are broken does NOT justify the destruction of another human being. The fact that a parent CHOOSES to stay with the sole objective of preserving as much of their children’s happiness as possible, does not give you the platform to judge them.

      Also, I DO understand a narcissist can’t help it. I say that frequently in my newer posts. That does not make me feel better. In fact, its worse. I wish you the best in your journey, I assure you, I am not here to create an army of partners against Narcissists, only an army of survivors, who know the truth and can set themselves free. I believe a narcissist must heal on their own and with/by the grace of God, and a narcissists “victim” must as well. No one can find fulfillment in another human being.

  65. Jacky says:

    Thank you for sharing… I can relate to you whole heartedly it is so helpful to read this and know that I am not alone even though that is how I have felt for the past 8 years with my abusive narcissistic husband. I too am in the process of “cutting the cord” but I completely relate to you when you say you must first build a strong support and financial plan/system before you leave since these type of men do not stop once you leave 🙁 they will continue to try to con and control and manipulate the situation in court and act as though we are the ones who are crazy or wrong and it’s not wise to try to face that unprepared or alone. Narcissists are very dangerous people in that they have no conscience or moral compass they feel absolutely no empathy and are relentless – will stop at nothing to get their way. In fact they will hurt those who trust them and are closest to them the most in order to feel in control & empowered … it’s really sick and depressing. I would really like to know how you did it? Can you update us on how you are doing and any tips to get stronger and prepare to leave the ultimate narcissistic type of husband for those of us in the same awful predicament? Please any advise is much appreciated!!! God bless you and I wish you all the best

  66. Samantha Matthews says:

    Hi A. I’m so sorry I didn’t see this sooner, I have removed your name and email from the posts. Best Wishes

  67. Anonymissy says:

    I live this life. I have a nine year old son. His father is horrible to him. I see it, hell, I lived it with my own narcissist father. My son doesn’t want to leave. I’ve tried to cajole him… he says he likes a life with a dad. …. dad is a monster. A soulless demon. I can’t leave without my son. I told myself I would stay til he was 18, but in giving him nine more years with his dad am I destroying his self esteem and warping his familial ideals until he grows up and marries his own narcissist just like I did???

    1. Anonymissy says:

      Ur posts are like windows into my life by the way…. I can’t get thru one without crying. Are u still with ur narc? It’s truly a blessing for people like me to be soooooooo alone, and then find a whole forum of people who share these same problems. Then it clicks, we r not alone. Considering how many marriages narcs generally burn thru, victims of narcs have to be an ever growing majority!

    2. Samantha Matthews says:

      You have to do the right thing for you and your son. If that means leaving, then you need to do it weather your son wants to or not. He is just a child and cannot be expected to make that kind of choice on his own, its hard enough for us to do it as grown women (men). Your son WANTS his Dad to be ok, WANTS him to love him, and by asking him to leave your asking him to effectively give up hope that Dad will ever come around, and for a young boy, that’s devastating. It might be true, but kids don’t operate in the same reality we do, they still believe anything is possible.

      Also, your son probably has no idea what life will look like if you leave your husband, he may think he will never see his Dad again.

      You have had your perspective twisted for so many years, you have been so well trained not to do anything without permission, I think you might be looking to your son to tell you what your heart already knows. Reclaiming your life is going to be a SERIES of tough choices like this, feeling paralyzed and like you cant do things without someone telling you its ok. I know, because I’m seeing it and dealing with it in myself, and overcoming it is REALLY, REALLY hard. But you MUST find a way to do it or you will only fall prey to another domineering and abusive person.

      I’m not perfect, I’m still battling in this war every day, just like you. I hope we can all get out of this and into a peaceful happy life again. <3

  68. LHS says:

    Samantha. I want to thank you SO SO SO much for creating this blog. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me (and I’m certain, countless other individuals). I am just realizing that my husband is a covert narcissist. We have an incredibly sensitive and intelligent 4 year old and watching the affects his behavior is having on her crushes my soul. I know I have to leave. Blogs like yours give me hope that A) I’m not alone (and therefore, not crazy LOL) and B) There is hope. Thank you. Thank you so much.

  69. Brittani West says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. People keep telling me I should write a book but I can’t imagine reliving it to put it on paper. I admire the strength you show in helping so many of us understand what we truly went through and to actually hear “I’m not crazy”. To see that there was actually a truth to all the madness and chaos. I’m still picking up all the pieces and I will be for a long time if the hits will ever stop coming. Lord knows my ex won’t let me, nor his BPD wife he left me for and married 1 week after the divorce, or his highly unstable mother. I just thank God I have an amazing little girl that brightens any day. It is because of her I found this website on my search for understanding. Getting a judge or a lawyer to accept the reality of a narcissist and the crushing effect they have on their children in a state where parental rights have more support than the welfare of a child, is impossible. Knowing I can come to this site and see I’m not alone and see that others have survived, gives me such reprieve. THANK YOU for providing this incredible resource for people struggling like me.

  70. Annett says:

    Dear Samantha,
    I found your blog today while researching narcissistic mothers and their broken daughters one of which I am. Growing up in a famliy that would emotionally blackmail me into absolutely anything (even the way I saw my family) left me deeply confused about myself. I am now 38 years old and enrolled “help” 2 years ago, I am doing so much better today. Unfortunately I have also been in a relationship with a narcissist of the worst kind. No longer. But I only now begin to understand how I contributed to it and that it wasn’t even my fault (I had no idea whatsoever at the time that the emotional blackmail from my childhood had kept me smaaaallll and stupid). You mentioned in this section that you are trying to get on financial feet but the real reason you should leave right now is: your two little lights…. I do hope you find the courage to end the exposure your narcissist husband has on them and on you. Or maybe tell them every day “it’s not you, it’s him and me”. I was exposed to two narcs my whole life and thats why it resonates with me so much. I am sending you lots of hope and strength.
    Annett

  71. I am you. Everything you have written could’ve been written by me. Thank you for making me feel less alone. God bless.

  72. Shi.p says:

    My sister is in a relationship with a man that has a narrsacistic personality disorder and several other disorders such as bipolar I feel so helpless because she doesn’t see how damaging this man is to her children. He is not a good male role model I feel as if he beats her down without her realising it.he always has an excuse for his actions .he makes her feel bad for him.I so badly want to just pick her and the boys up and bring them home with me and help her start over.I love her so much I can’t stand it …. she is suffering and she doesn’t realize how bad because living like this is normal to her now …….

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Unfortunately, you can’t save someone who doesn’t know they need to be saved. All you can do is be there for her and hopefully she will get out. :/

  73. BBDiaz says:

    I will post a Thank you note for your courage, my admiration runs deep, I am also sitting quietly on a boat, watching from up above and waiting for the right moment…Before I was waiting for a miracle, the way I wait now is different because the awareness and the “cero naïveté policy of no more” knowledge is power and helps you to endured the pain of the truth one has been ignoring by killings the inner guts screaming at you: -“wake up idiot” I finally ran out excuses and band-Aids
    Many of us come here to see if others like you exist, if many of them are really there and how come they behave all the same, it’s a cult perhaps? One your N and yours and the others all sound the same? Why do we all sound the same?

    I live you all with is frase that he told me few months ago when he knew Divorce became now more than any Hope..:
    “My therapist told me: -after divorce man do better financially than women”

    My answer: “who cares about money if you are free, happy and at peace”

    Sweet…

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      They assume the men do better than women, however, I think if your married to a total financial idiot, then you will probably end up doing better without him. I am 100% sure Ill end up better off than him, eventually. It might be rough for a while, but Im ok with that.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        Also, they all sound the same because this is a real psychiatric disorder. Its an illness. There are symptoms. Our culture pretty much ignores mental illness, but this is real and we are the proof! Seriously, if it wasn’t an illness, than we would not have so much in common.

  74. Sonya says:

    “I will build myself a decent life and support system, financially and emotionally, before I cut the cord” has this been the answer I’ve been looking for? Why I just can’t walk out the door with my children and never look back? You are my hero. Thank you

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