Home » emotional abuse » An Open Letter To My Abusive Husband…

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Things were bad right from the start, but I was too young and naive to see it. That’s why you picked me, isn’t it? I was so trusting, and innocent. I had no idea you were broken, no idea our relationship wasn’t normal. I believed you when you told me I was messing up, and I didn’t question you. You could control me, keep me at arms length, and enjoy all the effort I gave into making our “relationship” a success.Letter-To-My-Abuser

And then, one day, I started to notice. Notice how controlling you are, how you turned everything I had issues with back on me, and how you never admitted you were wrong. I notice how you never listened to me on anything, and would later tell me the same truth after you heard it from another source. I noticed how you discounted my opinions and called me a hypochondriac whenever I felt sick.  I noticed how you kept me separate from your friends and your social life, and resisted any efforts on my part to make couple friends we could hang out with together.

I noticed how you left me to grieve my grandfathers death alone, and didn’t give me so much as a hug. I noticed how you hid my engagement ring and let me search frantically for an hour before you told me you had it, and how you thought that was funny even though I was in tears.

I noticed how you lied to your friends, your boss, and your family, easily and without a good reason, just because you didn’t feel like doing something. I noticed when you told me about the drugs you did for the entire time we were dating/engaged, how you changed when you stopped doing them. I noticed that I never even knew you had been lying to me then. And how you thought that that revelation shouldn’t change a single thing in our marriage.

I noticed when you complained about how boring the hospital is while I was recovering from having our first child and pushed me to rush us home, and how you discounted all my pain and discomfort during my second pregnancy even while I was working 6 days a week at our business and taking care of a four year old.

I noticed how you never helped me in our business, even as you yelled and raged at me for how poorly things were being run

I noticed how you never helped me in our business, even as you yelled and raged at me for how poorly things were being run (in your opinion) and how I needed to do more at the shop. I noticed how even when you committed to doing something, I ended up being the one to take care of it. And I noticed how you took and took and took money without contributing at all. To the extent that we ended up having to close the doors. I noticed how you blamed me for that too.

I noticed how you have discounted, dismissed, and mocked all of my accomplishments over the last 13 years. How you tell me the things I’ve done don’t count because they weren’t as good as what someone else did. You tell me I don’t follow through with anything, but you sabotage my efforts and make me feel horrible, and then throw it in my face if I do anything different than what you would do.

I notice how you talk about people behind their backs and say horrible, judgmental things about them. And I checked your phone, I saw how you say those same things about me too. How you mock me and only refer to me as the wife, as though I am not anything more. I notice how you put me down in public and deliberately humiliate me in front of our friends, in order to tell a story or try and make yourself look good.

I noticed when you lied to me about where you were, how you had your friends lie to cover for you. I noticed when you did it again and again. I noticed when I accused you of doing drugs again, how you flipped out and suddenly started talking about how you weren’t cheating on me and never would. I noticed how you suddenly started accusing me of cheating, of wanting to be with someone else, even though I almost never leave the house. I realize that your projecting, and I realize your the one sleeping around.

I notice how you keep trying to force me back to the girl I used to be, the young, naive, trusting girl who thought you were amazing and that I was lucky.

I notice how you keep trying to force me back to the girl I used to be, the young, naive, trusting girl who thought you were amazing and that I was lucky. But you don’t realize, all the things I’ve noticed I cant un-see. I cant go back to that girl because I’ve seen who you really are. I don’t like you, I don’t respect you, there is nothing about your character I admire. And I cant go back.

There are a few other things Ive noticed as well. I noticed how I ran a quarter million dollar business single-handedly while juggling two small girls and a horrible pregnancy. I noticed how I had a lot of wonderful customers who loved me and would stop by just to say hi. I noticed how I managed to go to school part time on top of that and keep up with my classes. I noticed that despite how lonely I was every day, I still managed to succeed at getting everything I needed to get done, done.

I noticed how I have managed to keep our family fed despite your inability to leave us money for food and diapers. I notice how the girls come to me when they need love or support and how happy they are every day. I notice how I have built three great websites and how much I have learned about the internet and running a blog, about social media and internet marketing, and about how much opportunity there is for me now.

I notice how I have managed to find and keep a few good friends who love me, and how my family is right there for me despite your attempts to cut me off. I notice how I’m still a kind, loving and forgiving person. How I’m smart and strong, and braver than I ever knew. I noticed how no matter what I’m facing, I don’t let it overwhelm me for long, and I figure out a plan and move forward with hope. I noticed how my faith has changed and grown with all the pain I have dealt with, how I no longer look for God to save me, but realize He has given me all I need in order to save myself. I realize that He has blessed me and that I am more powerful than I ever knew.

And I realize, the more I see the good in myself, the more I realize how amazing I am as a woman and as a mom and as a human being, the more you try and bring me down, and the further apart we get.

And I realize, the more I see the good in myself, the more I realize how amazing I am as a woman and as a mom and as a human being, the more you try and bring me down, and the further apart we get.

Its too late to save any resemblance of “us”. It was too late the first time I told you you hurt me and you made it my fault. It was too late on our honeymoon when you got mad and gave me the silent treatment. If I’m being totally honest, it was too late the day we met.

But I cant regret it, its made me who I am and I have two wonderful girls that I love with all my heart.

But I cant regret it, its made me who I am and I have two wonderful girls that I love with all my heart. I don’t even hate you, though some days I wish I could. I’m sad for you, because you don’t even know what your missing. And some day your daughters will be old enough to see you for who you really are as well, and they will distance themselves from you the same as I have.

letter-to-my-abuser-2I’m sad for the life we should have had, if you were able to be a real partner. Its hard to accept that we will be divorced, that I’ll have to miss my girls some days, that the life I imagined was never going to be a reality, but I guess that’s how it goes. No one gets married imagining splitting up one day. But I forgive you. I wont hate you or bad mouth you to the kids. I wont try and keep them from you or “make you pay”. That’s not who I am and I refuse to hurt the kids to try and “get even” for everything you have done to me.

Its going to suck, this splitting up. But not as bad as I thought it would at first. See, these last few years I have gradually come to accept it as inevitable, it doesn’t shock me or make me want to die anymore. I’m not curled up on the floor sobbing. I have had those days, and maybe I will have a few more, but I think I’m mostly past that. I see now, you will never love me. And I deserve better, I deserve to be loved, wildly, passionately, deeply. I deserve to be KNOWN, and accepted, and appreciated. And these are things you are not capable of, or refuse to do. I don’t imagine I will find a perfect man, there is no such thing, but I wont settle for crumbs in a relationship ever again. I would rather be alone than with someone who makes me lonely.

Even though thinking about the future scares me, I know I’m going to be okay. A path will appear as I need it and I only need to take one step at a time. I realize that. I am not trapped, or stuck, or doomed to stay with you forever. I will be just fine.

Forever Not Yours~

Sam


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57 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Abusive Husband…

  1. April says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart. 90% of this is my life too. It’s so hard to face and pick up the pieces. I’ve had a rough week and thank you for sharing your positivity right along with your pain.

    1. Kim McCulley says:

      I too have had a tough week, but last night was the worse. Keeping all of you in prayer.

      Sincerely,
      Kimberly

      1. chris says:

        Very informative. Thank you for sharing.

  2. IBikeNYC says:

    YOU GO, GIRL!

    (I am talking to you AND myself!)

  3. Tammy says:

    Your amazing and I thank you! i understand your pain 7 years the first narassict and 20 years with the second I am now going to take your beautifully written words and remind myself each day I am worthy I am smart loving caring and can do this!
    I very much appreciate your courage to help others of us that have been through similar experiences.
    Again thank you!
    Tammy

    1. Pamela says:

      11 years with the first one and 15 years with the second. I am, apparently, a slow learner. I think this time, WHEN it happens, I am going to hang up the towel and learn to like myself, by myself.

  4. meredith says:

    Congratulations.

    I’m going back to our house one more time this Sunday, hopefully, to finally get the rest of my things and the few sticks of furniture he’ll allow me to take. I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter just like that. I doubt he’d read it though and really, would it do any good? It feels good to get it out though, doesn’t it?

  5. Lorraine says:

    I have been getting a lot of help from this but is there a way to tell who signed me up for it? I don’t want to unsubscribe- I just am curious as to who signed me up-

  6. Rebecca says:

    A knot formed in my stomach while reading this. I lived the same life you did for 10 years, with 3 children. I was trapped in a fog that I felt like I could never escape. Thank you for sharing your story, wisdom, and insight!

  7. Alicia says:

    Sam, You are truly inspirational! I to was that young, naive girl until I started to also notice. We will survive and thrive!

  8. Alice says:

    This is beautifully written with so much power and grace. I honor you and all of your accomplishments. You are an amazing woman. Your story is my story and I thank you for writing it!

  9. Adam says:

    Wow, you are strong. You don’t even hate. You are like the opposite of him— admirable in so many ways. It’s a long road ahead, but a positive one compared to the story you presented, being under this guy’s thumb. You’ve proven to yourself you can make it without him. Tough, but honest work. …I’m sure the right guy to come along would be so lucky to have you.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank You! <3

  10. Robyn says:

    Sooo very familiar!!

    Sooo very encouraging & empowering!!

    THANK YOU for sharing this!!!

    I’m sure this will help may others, as well!!

  11. Jane says:

    It is so strange to read my own story over and over in other women’s posts, blogs and books. You sound like an amazing woman and I wish you the best of luck. It is VERY possible to thrive! I moved out, well fled, (he made me move at night so the neighbors wouldn’t see) 1.5 years ago and God has truly blessed my home business, as He will yours! If only all of the hurting people in Narcissistic relationships could come to the realization that God does NOT want them living in that nightmare and that He would delight in taking care of them if only they would trust Him. God Bless you!

  12. Aly says:

    Reading through this was all too familiar, I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through! I completely understand, it is terrible and confusing but leaving and freeing yourself will be the best and bravest decision that you ever make! Your girls will thank and respect the heck out of that one day and you will be much, much happier! Much love & many blessings!

  13. Amber says:

    Good stuff!! I wrote down the young naive wife part…its going on my fridge.

  14. Healed says:

    AMEN!!! I LOVE THIS LETTER! Thank you for sharing it!

  15. Dorothy Daltorio says:

    This letter is RIGHT ON….describes so much of my 10 year roller-coaster crazy-making ride. The part that hit my heart the most was the first time she told him that he hurt her and he denied it and blamed her (her fault) = same thing happened to me and although I KNEW something was a huge lie right then and there I continued on with the ‘relationship’ hoping that the ‘man’ he showed me and told me he was, the man that I fell in love with that he groomed me with to make me fall in love would come back….. WELLLLLLLL that man is not HIM…..he is many people and no one all at once.

    Thanks for this article…

    Dorothy

  16. jaclyn says:

    This letter is spot on to my life as well.. Thank you for sharing. Right now my narc husband is using my son to try to manipulate me..
    He says I am not good enough, pretty enough, fit enough, etc for him and he is wasting his time with me. How are you dealing with the separation and having to let him have the kids without you being there. That is the hardest part for me, thinking he could have partial custody and that means him with my son alone.. my poor innocent 3 1/2 year old who hates his father and i am so afraid of what he will do with him

  17. Mia says:

    I am married to a Man I believe suffers from this disorder. I have been at my wits end. We have attended counseling, had prayer, and now I am beyond emotionally tired and frustrated. I tried to show him that he fits mostly all of these characteristics in hopes he’d get help, the controlling ways, the manipulation, the passive aggressive way he would talk to me, literally I can’t seem to make him feel loved no matter how hard I try, I am a strong woman, I have endured trauma in my life, which is why I think sometimes why should I take pity on a Man who refuses to work on his self esteem instead of masking it with stories about how he is such a man to be respected and admired. I feel this letter so much because my husband makes the dumbest choices, and claims to be a man of respect. I am a fulltime student in college, and a working mother of four, and believe me when I tell you I am ashamed that I have picked such a person to be the role model and male in my life, when he doesn’t hold the same ethic. He sells drugs, has been to jail numerous times, and still refuses to make an honest dollar, he promises me that he wants to change, but it never happens. I don’t understand where I lost myself falling so hard for a man, but he was charming, and seemed to adore me, Maybe I needed that. He starts fight about almost everything, He always ask me “what’s wrong” as if there is, but really it is him who is feeling some sort of way, and projects it on me, to the point where we actually argue. He never fully commits to being with me, although were married, he never pays bills responsibly, his first suggestion in an argument which is almost daily is “Do you want to break up?”! This is the worst relationship I have ever been in, and after talking to his ex’s they all experienced this man. His jealousy is extreme, I can be with him every day, he knows my every move and still accuses me of cheating, when things are good, he will constantly ask me if I am still in love with him or do I, He always looking in the mirror, He has called me ugly names, humiliated me, destroyed my belongings, broken my windshield, He plays on my emotions, tells me I am mean and cold, He complains about sex, He has lied on me to his family and friends, he keeps me separated from them also, They are not allowed at our house. He claims they don’t love him, I watch him use people, and talk about them all behind their back. Let’s not talk about his Mom. She warned me about him. But she is just as sick! His father, the same abusive way. Which makes me wonder if this is a genetic thing. His sons, both have behavioral disorders and take medication. Luckily we do not have any together. My kids are the warmest and loving children. I am venting right now, however I am reading any and everything about Narcissist, and I think I am married to one who really needs help. He used to hit me early in our relationship. Thank God that ended. I just am relieved to know I am not alone. I have been going crazy. But I have been praying for strength. Every day. And reading on this subject truly helps. I am confident that one day, hopefully soon I will have the courage to walk away. For good. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Mia

    1. HARRIS.MIAM@GMAIL.COM says:

      HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW HE SPEAKS TO ME… DECODE THIS SOMEONE

      Mia what we share is not the best and I want to be free from these days….. We spent this whole summer away from one another wasn’t that enough… I do want your respect… I don’t want to fight for it…. As your man I hear you be against what I’m saying instead of just giving it all a chance to see I’m not as bad as you have label me to be
      .. The answer to me ain’t stick around to see what happen… I’m asking of you to please end this campaign of rebutting all I say.. I really am ready to go in a different direction…… Lately mia you been caring the I don’t care attitude…. I don’t want to play with you while you on that…,it makes me feel worthless next to you and your carrying me that way… You say some of the ugliest things anyone ever said to me and say I’m not taking it back…. That be awful imagine what your feeling my head with…… Can’t you see mia…… Your hurting me……. I don’t want to keep on this path… We should value one another’s life….. I don’t like what we have mia…. I wish we had something better….. I don’t want to break up…. I know you would value me more if you were without me……. I want to do something about us not just keeping going forward with hope…. Please mia stop acting like you don’t care…

    2. Eve McCoy says:

      Oh my God, I am married to the same exact man as u are! He is all u have said and then some . Not only is he narcissistic sociopath, but he also has been diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia, which he doesn’t take meds for anymore, and personality disorder on top of it all! He is also a drug addict and alcoholic. It’s so hard to come to terms with and to accept that the man u married is a monster and is everything he says I am and everything he said he’d never be. Its hard to accept the fact that he never loved me! After everything! All the lies of wanting to be that man, of promising to show me the love he doesn’t even have, of apologizing for the same thing over and over again, of the lies , intentionally hurt, disrespect, cheating, making up lies about me cheating and then hitting me for it, and for allowing me to fall in love and believe in him , the accusations every day as well as the fights he deliberately starts and blames he for and forces himself to believe, of the victim role he plays and threats of suicide for trying to leave him, of the manipultion and egotistic selfish and self centered neediness for my constant exhausting efforts to never being good enough to fulfill as I do nothing for him, of using me for sex just to be hateful afterward for no reason or logic, and for cheating me out of a life I could of had with perhaps some who might of treated me with the love I deserved! The list is neverending! I have called him out on all his lies and illogical disillusioned perceptions and behavior patterns. I suffer for it but I will always take a stand and speak out about this immature, childish, hateful , dillusional, hypocrite, one sided, unloving, and undeserving poor excuse for a human being let alone a man in any sense of the word that I have had the unfortunate fate of meeting in my life that is the worst of all people and things in my life which has ever hurt me combined! He is the devil himself! I’m not kidding! I urge u to get as much support as u can if he hasn’t taken it from u already. And yes, do keep making urself knowledgeable in finding out all I can about the personalities and disfunctional cyclistic behaviors of these people! Never in all my life have I even begun to think let alone had to experience such a hateful and master of manipulation and one of the best actors I’ve ever seen, much less believe actually existed in a human being! He has traumatized me note than anything! I have existing ptsd from my first husband whom I thought a monster! But this man who I married makes my first look like a Lamb , for in thinking he was the devil ! I am getting stronger the more I am understanding the mental mind fuck of this man unlike any I’ve ever met less knew existed. I fell in love with the man he prtrayed to be, and refused to believe he didn’t love me! It’s still hard for me to have to accept. I have faith that one day, hopefully soon, I will be strong enough to leave him. I’m not giving up on anticipating that day to come here shortly as I have become numb to all his games and displays of his repetitious fake tears and continuous behavior that I can predict and direct before he even thinks to himself. I can’t deal with this every single day for the rest of my miserable life with him. It hurts too much, and it’s sucking the life right out of me literally! Making urself knowledgable and having a good support system in family and friends are a tremendous help in aiding us to finally leave these demons who tricked us into believing they are angels. I pray for u and ur children to attain all the love and strength from that love to make u happy again . It will be worth it. We have to keep our faith in that no matter what…….. Much love and respect to u in all ur efforts for urself and as the wonderful mother u are. God bless u and ur children always. And thanks for sharing. It helped me even more in my own battle with my husband as well.

  18. Jonesy0505 says:

    It’s as if you took all my thoughts and wrote them down. Thank you

  19. E says:

    Thank you so much for sharing! Although I have cried reading these posts it has helped me realize I made the right choice in saying goodbye. I fell in love with a man that constantly told me all I did wrong and I felt so defeated. I didn’t get why he didn’t understand when I expressed my feelings and why it always fell on me. He has a law enforcement job and access to cover a lot up. It’s scary but reading this was so helpful. Thank you!

    1. Kally says:

      Mine was LEO as well. I always ran around trying to do things better or thought that his behavior was normal and just stress from working so much. Breaks my heart to love someone so incapable of reciprocating.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        Mine was Scorpio, wonder if it actually has anything to do with it or not…?

  20. Wendy says:

    My God, this is so incredibly similar to my life. I just began to sob when I got to this: “I noticed how I have managed to keep our family fed despite your inability to leave us money for food and diapers. I notice how the girls come to me when they need love or support and how happy they are every day.” Thank you for sharing this. It feels good to be validated and heard by other women who have lived with this and who understand, and who are moving past it.

  21. Angie says:

    This is an amazing recount. I wish Samantha all the best.

  22. Alisa says:

    Xoxo xoxo
    I feel you.
    You are an amazing woman.

  23. Kim McCulley says:

    Perfect letter Sam, I’m proud of you. I have nothing going for me. I’m 57 and trying to find a job, It’s hard at my age. I know divorce is inevitable, I just have to save money some how.

    My husband said when I ever get a job, that I will be paying the utilities and groceries. It makes me feel as though he knows my thoughts and is making it hard for me to save money.

    Sincerely,
    Kimberly

  24. Christine says:

    Wow… I think thru the hand of God I was led to this page. I can’t even tell you how much I relate to this and it’s hard to swallow all of this and all that I’m feeling. I have heard of narcissm but never really looked into it and never would have believed until now that I may be married to one. Just trying to take it all in… thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying for all of you as well as myself to get this figured out.

  25. Lynne says:

    Wow! I left my husband on boxing day after a 7yr relationship, 2 babies and more heartache then i could endure. This entire letter could have been written by me … word for word. I’m still struggling as i deal with him at mediation and with handovers for the kids … but it’s getting easier – slowly

  26. Aline says:

    Dear Sam, it is beautifully written. Did you send the letter to your partner or it was just for yourself?

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Maybe I should have sent it to him after I left, maybe then he wouldn’t have wanted me back. Ah, regrets. Anyway, no he hasn’t seen it. One day perhaps, he will.

      1. Lissa says:

        It really doesnt matter either way. They dont care! I have written my feelings down, poured my heart and soul into a letter, when he got done reading it he had 2 things to say 1. “I act this way because of you!”
        2. “If you change and start doing what your supposed to do as a wife and lover and start listening to me, I will be a lot happier person. We wont fight because I will be a lot happier.”
        Then comes the “you need to see a psychiatrist and talk to someone. Maybe they can give you the meds you need so you will calm down and listen!”
        And uhm why am I a basket case? Hmmm

        Its always ALL about them! I gave up and write my feelings in a journal because whatever I say will just be turned around and somehow made my fault. I give up 🙁

  27. Paula says:

    I could have written almost all of this, even the wording you used. There is hope and a future! Jeremiah 29:11.

    Last Saturday I graduated from the university with my Bachelor’s degree in Human Services. I have a bright future and the love and respect of my kids. He is a train wreck.

    I would rather be alone than ever be treated like that again! Once I started standing up for myself and the kids, he found a girlfriend; perhaps she was the one I caught him with. There could have been more. No one will ever pull crap over on me like that again. It was like CSI headquarters when he would leave for work. I figured it out and then I saw them together. The lies were exposed! He was the problem not me after all. Freedom rang loudly for me and the kids.

    It will be 10 years this fall and we are better off without him. I hate that it is true. We got by one moment, one event, then one year at a time. Wow 10 years! God knows what is best even when it appears to be the worst.
    Be the best you and find joy in the moment.

  28. SmplyJ says:

    Wow this whole letter is literally everything I just went thru with my ex. Except he decided one day that it would be easier for him to leave and not have to worry about a family. I was/am on the verge of a break down feeling so overwhelmed with everything on my shoulders and when I went to him in tears begging him to step up and do his part he simply left. Told me why do I keep talking to him about MY bills as if we didn’t live together and plan and have a baby. I was drowning in front of him and he abandoned me. The part that hit most for me was I too was young and innocent. And it always hurt me so bad when he’d never include me with his friends, family, and social life. Even on Holidays he’d completely disregard me. When I’d try to tell him this made me feel hurt and neglected he told me I was a hater and I need to stop worrying about what he’s doing with other ppl. I felt ugly and worthless. It’s crazy because I was never the type to chase guys or force a relationship. He chased me relentlessly. I wouldn’t even sleep with him for months when we first started dating. He was so charming. He was the one who sold me this dream and wanted to have a baby and I was going to bury him. I believed him. Once I got pregnant he just turned into a monster. I was a bum. I was trash. He was only used to 5 star women and I was below his standards. Constantly compared me to his exes. I mean literally any and every humiliating thing you’d think of I was to him. After purposely trying to get me pregnant for a year and a half. I was beyond crushed with a huge belly. It was too late to run. I asked my sister not to be in the delivery room with us cuz I knew he’d find something to blitz out about. And low and behold While they were giving me the epidural I simply asked if he was nervous he could wait outside. He left. Texted me that I kicked him out and I needed to find a ride home. It was the worse feeling in the world delivering my daughter all alone while her dads texting me talking crazy for no reason. I feel crazy becuz he always flips everything on me. He texts me saying how he doesn’t think of me at all and found his happiness now. While I’m struggling with the kids. I hate that I have to continue to deal with this uber asshole. He still tries to emotionally abuse me even though I don’t bother him at all and I never try to keep his child from him. He says nasty underhanded things then asks y I don’t wanna be his friend. It’s like a sick joke. He acts like I’m just dramatic and crazy like nothing happened. He beat me down emotionally for almost 6 years. I don’t look in the mirror or even feel like a person anymore. I started therapy and I hope it helps. I kinda feel like me going to therapy validates his claims that I’m crazy. I know I’m not. I feel like I am but I know I’m not. Thank u for this. I realize too he never loved me. And I do deserve to be KNOWN and loved passionately and deeply. I am worthy and I’m working on reprogramming my mind to always remember that.

  29. Mighty says:

    I am that girl too, no more i went and dated Pam because you made me do it, i am done being that stupid kid who begged to be loved…God helped me n am stronger than before. Am afraid of being called a divorcee but my hapiness counts as well. 1 day my kid will understand that mummy tried…

  30. I’m sharing this, with love, on one of my Facebook pages @itcantrainallthetime. ♡

  31. I couldn’t believe what I was reading – it was like reading the story of my marriage. I have now walked away mainly because I have caught him out with what I now know is his latest affair. He is now trying to destroy me financially but I know there is only so much he can do and I thank God I am now out of this hugely abusive relationship. I am already a better version of myself and have forgiven myself for not walking out sooner and protecting our daughters from his verbal abuse.
    The difference with my marriage though is that he would punctuate the hatefulness with loving tender behaviour and so I hoped that things would get better but actually all it served to do was cause me more pain as he reverted back to his abusive behaviour.
    It is frightening how many narcissists there are in the world.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Yep, Im dealing that same ping pong behavior. Its killing me! I am reading an excellent book now though, called Should I Stay or should I Go, by Ramani Durvasula. Its probably the hardest book I have ever read just in facing who he really is and reading MORE stories that seem to be written about my life, but its totally enlighting. And for me to say that after researching it for the last three years says a lot!

  32. Lexlie says:

    Ive been looking at the replies on your beautiful written story. As so many others it was like you were writing this for me . I thank you from the bottom of my heart !!!! I’ve denied the truth for so long, pretending that it will get better !! But over and over and over and over again it still goes back to the same narcissist controling life i’ve lived my whole life with a man i wanted to belive was my soulmate !!!
    . The damage to my 3 boys can never be recovered! But with the help of god and experience like people like yourself , I can work on being happy for me, and my boys !! Maybe then I can ask for their forgiveness!!! And prove to them that real life can be health, happy, fun , and most of all REAL LIVE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO HURT !!

  33. Mia says:

    I left. Packed my clothes and kids and moved to Tampa. I think of him every day. I know I did the right thing though. I ask God daily for healing and forgiveness. He could care less too, he’s ruined my life so now I’m worth nothing anymore. Left to put the pieces back together on my own.. I will though I know I will. Good luck ladies. I’m going to speak about this horrible ordeal and write about it. Something can be done to save someone from this terrible life.

    Mia

  34. Shana J White says:

    I ran across this in Pinterest – as I am reading it I am I awe…….. this 99% the life I loved for over 14 years. For you and for those of you who have commented………… I am 5 years in the future living a life of no narcissist…….. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE WORTH IT. The 1% difference is when I left I was absolute broken and had been forced to do the drugs with him. I almost went back, he almost conned me into it. DONT DO IT – find a Community Outreach Center and asks to have a counselor help you with domestic abuse. They have a program for this to help you see you are worthy of life and to break the cycle of picking a narcissist. I am remarried, have a beautiful 2 year old that my 16 and 13 year old absolutely adore. They finally have a dad – not a stepdad – who has shown them what real love and having a daddy is supposed to be. I am in EMDR counseling because a part of my brain is having trouble with everyday “everything is ok” life. Remember YOU CAN GET PAST AND BE BETTER! Feel free to contact me if you need to talk. Shanawhite2013@yahoo.com

  35. M says:

    This is me.
    I am so bruised, broken and lost. How will I go on? My life has been forever altered by the lies, the betrayal, the abuse. I have been mocked, laughed at, lied about. I don’t recognize myself.
    M

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Reading this and learning about what you are going through is the first step. Dont give up on yourself. You are not broken, though I know it feels like you are. Take one step at a time, and dont let yourself believe he is all you are worth! <3

  36. Carol says:

    I am no therapist but what you are describing is not only narcissism but passive aggressive behavior. Narcissists are blissfully unaware of their lack of empathy and what I call “social grace”. But the passive aggressive WILL hide your engagement ring, withhold validation, and be spiteful.

    My 2nd husband had no social skills except seduction. I was INTOXICATED with him. INTOXICATED! I left my weak (but en-tack) marriage for him. I threw a stable, tolerable and FIXABLE marriage to decent man straight down the toilet to follow my stupid dopamine’d heart and libido. What a fool I was. #2 walked into my marriage, knowing I was married with a 5 year old son and literally seduced me. I let him – it is not all his fault but he had NO business as I said to him “sniffing up the skirts of a married woman”. He should have just walked on. He blamed me asking why I ever said “hi” back to him. We WORKED together – I wasn’t even remotely attracted to him, until his words overwhelmed my stupid self. He was engaged, told me he was in love with me and pranced off and married her. Then came back and started an affair with me. Their marriage NEVER stood a chance. She blamed me, but it was her fiancee/husband that wrecked both of us. I thought he would identify with the pain he caused her and her daughter and not let that happen to us. But right around the 7 year itch period he had to go, “while he still looked good enough to find someone else”. Boy was I STUPID.

    I don’t know if I will EVER give another man the time of day. If I want sex, then I will find a buddy for it. But to hell with the rest of this baggage. What a pure waste of time and MONEY this marriage has been. I feel so much guilt for the mess I made of my first husband’s life and my son’s and inevitably my own. Oh the guilt. But #2 feels nothing. He has been married three times now and has started all three marriages himself and it was him that walked out on all three marriages. He is the common denominator and does not see how all three marriages connect?! What a fool. I have more sense than this – why in God’s name did I fall for this guy? Was I THAT horny? Sheesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  37. Kisha says:

    Beautifully written. I found this to be healing and inspirational.

  38. Krissi says:

    This was so beautifully written. You are an amazing woman. To balance all of the work and still be able to function with a miserable abusive man stifling you! My god when you release the chains, you’ll completely set yourself free and know you can accomplish it all!

    Bravo!

    I see so much of myself in this. Thank you for your vulnerability and know you empowered me.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank You!

  39. Chrissy says:

    Thank you for sharing. So much of what you shared is my story. 30 years together and 25 years married I took the treatment, but I finally found the courage to end the madness and realize it hasn’t been all my fault like he liked me to believe all these years.

  40. Lissa says:

    Im sitting here crying because most of what you wrote is like I had wrote it. Last night was another fight, another silent treatment, another night of him going to bed and turning off the lights in the bedroom so I cant see where Im going, another night of being up all night wondering how did I ever get into this mess in my life?

    I have 2 men in my house that tell me I cant do anything right. My husband and his dad. His dad moved in with us and because I dont do everything his wife used to do and because I dont cater to his every whim, that makes me a bad person. According to them.

    I understand the feeling like your a bad person and you should just end your life and disappear to make them happy and give you peace.
    I have thpught about drinking, drugs, and anything else that will take away this pain.

    Letting my hair go uncolored for weeks, not taking a shower, not getting dressed up, not putting on make up, putting my hair in a bun constantly, ALL because I dont feel like I “deserve” to look nice and have other people look at me. Feeling like I dont “deserve” to be try to be pretty because Im such a horrible woman.

    Im so happy to hear you found your strength!

    Im still looking for mine.

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