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(Heads Up, I do get a little crude in this post. My apologies, nothing else expressed my feeling adequately.)

Cheater, Cheater…

The other shoe dropped. I found the proof I needed to know he is indeed cheating on me. Only instead of the affair I expected to find, hes been hooking up with random girls hes meeting at the bar with his buddies. Which is somehow, so much worse. I checked his text messages with this guy hes been hanging out with that I knew is actively picking up girls behind his live in girlfriends back, and sure enough, they were talking about it at several points in the last few months. AND, after I looked at his phone, I wasn’t able to put it exactly back where it was, and later on when I went to look again, he had changed his phone password. DONE.

I feel like a fool for trusting him, and yet, I feel like hes a fool for throwing this life away. I am a great wife, I loved him. I wasn’t jealous or mistrusting, I didn’t try and boss him around or control who he saw or when he went out. I thought he would never jeopardize our marriage. I was totally wrong. I feel sick…

I mean, Its obvious to me now. All of his friends have cheated and hes even been their cover some nights (yeah, so and so was with me at the bar…) How I thought he was above that behavior, I just don’t know.

But really, I’ve known hes been unfaithful for a couple months, in my gut anyway. I even confronted him about his whereabouts once, and when he called his buddy to vouch for him (RIGHT?!) I totally knew immediately that both of them were lying. I think looking back, that was the final straw, I don’t love him at all anymore. I don’t like him, I don’t respect him, I think hes a dirt-bag. There is NO chance of saving this. He crossed my final line, its done.

Justice

And now its on, I’m pissed, and I will crush him. He needs me. That’s why were still together. I make his life possible. Somewhat financially, but mostly with the kids and keeping the house. I am part of his image he works so hard to keep up. I’m the one home with the girls while hes out “bowling” (aka fucking random waitresses). I’m the one making sure the kids get to dance and daycare. I’m the one bringing in the little extra money so he can keep up his image. His stupid new SUV is being paid for with the extra money I’m making. (Which now that I’m looking at it, the back seats fold down perfectly flat, and I know how he likes doing it in the car, I should find that black light and check it out!… ew). He cant make all this happen without me.

I think the sick I’m feeling is more just dread over whats in front of me now. I hate dealing with legal stuff, I hate confrontation. I am still in shock I think and I’m having a hard time reconciling this to my reality. Yesterday when I found this out I was just shaking, and I went and locked myself in the bathroom and stared at the wall. I couldn’t even cry, I’m just done.

How could he do this and think it would be ok???!!! And how long has he been doing it? I mean, I would have to assume hes been doing it our entire relationship. Hes obviously a somatic narcissist, so there is no way hes been “good” for the last 12 years and only now decided to stick his dick where ever he wants to. I feel like I’m living with a stranger, and like all of his buddies know. Its super awkward when were around them now because I don’t know what they know about me, or what they have been told about me. I feel at the same time, both paralyzed and full of panic, frantic to do something but not sure what to do.

I don’t want to confront him, because its pointless. Nothing will change, he will never change. And if he did, I still would never trust him again. I don’t need to let him know I know what hes doing because it would only make things worse. I need to continue with my plan and get out. Just leave him, maybe, MAYBE Ill leave him some proof that I know what hes been up to, but mainly, I just want him to come home, find us gone, and find divorce papers and custody papers on the kitchen table. Period. And when he decides to try and fight it, I want to have the best lawyers I can find ready to crush him.

So, now I am free. I have no need to feel guilty for imagining a life without him. I don’t give one flying flip about what he thinks of me anymore. He doesn’t like my new haircut? Great. Doesn’t like my new job? Sorry for ya. I think I’ll start building the life I want to have without him, right now. New hobbies, new friends, new dates with the kids. Hell, maybe I’ll even meet someone special. At least if that happened I know he wouldn’t be trying to get me to come back to him. I don’t know and I’m not going to let him hold me back or keep sinking my ship anymore.

Hes a train wreck and I’m tired of being run over. He’s ruined us financially twice with his selfish, entitled behavior. And now I find out hes been lying to me all this time about probably pretty much everything. I mean, I wonder how much money he really makes. I wonder how hes doing all this stuff he does and where the money is coming from. I just don’t trust anything hes telling me anymore. I wonder if hes doing drugs, or just other girls. You never know!

 

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13 thoughts on “Cheater, Cheater…

  1. Shannon says:

    That is the best game plan I’ve heard: “but mainly, I just want him to come home, find us gone, and find divorce papers and custody papers on the kitchen table. Period. And when he decides to try and fight it, I want to have the best lawyers I can find ready to crush him.”
    Why tell him anything? He doesn’t tell you about important things. Surprise him with your evidence. ; )
    If he’s a narcissist, he will fight and make things nasty and humiliating (in my experience). Important thing to get set right from the start is that you don’t want the kids affected, and as soon as anything starts with them, ask your lawyer the best way to put the kibosh on that. I have a friend who just gets tortured and insulted by her ex every time they have to have contact for the kids. She’s over the guy, but having to put up with his attitude toward women – especially the mother of his child – is just wearing day to day.
    Best of luck to you!!!! Be careful!

  2. Debrah says:

    After near 30 yrs, I left my spouse last year, moved to a different city with my elderly mom and am trying to rebuild my life. Realizing I am having to find work when I should be retiring, very difficult. Deciding to leave was hard, finally seeing how shallow a person is, that they aren’t really as nice as you thought & yet it’s hard to explain exactly what was wrong, all seems trivial to outsider. Find your inner core strength, it is your survival. Don’t wait till you have everything or it won’t happen. I left everything but clothes, art supplies, and family heirlooms. A divorce will settle all else & material stuff can be replaced. Others will come into your life to help, I promise. Be strong, good luck! And watch your back!

  3. I love your posts. They give me the strength and support I need. I’ve known my husband has NPD now for about a year and a half. I have the same plan as you do. However, leaving anytime soon is not in going to happen. My narc is a covert, vulnerable narcissist with a religious cause and fortunately has his rage under control and life has been bearable. It’s so nice to have the support of your blog so keep the posts coming. However many miles separate us, just know you have my thoughts and support and I am cheering for you!!!!

  4. Steve says:

    So, I’m going to take the opposite approach from what I am reading here. My wife has severe NPD and has caused so much chaos to our family (my daughter left for school a year early to get away and my son suffers from depression at 10) but I am not going to divorce her. We have been separated for over two years now and I have supported her financially the entire time, she doesn’t work. I have had a restraining order against me, I have been accused of rape, of being the abuser and in general been subjected to some serious emotional abuse. I attended a 52 Domestic Violence class through the state, almost lost my job, my self esteem is in the toilet and I feel like I suffer from PTSD at times. My saving grace is that I have great friends that have support me through all of this and my knowing I’m doing the right thing..

    She is now on her second lover in less than two years, the new one is 20 years younger than me. I actually left the home after I couldn’t take it with the first – something I regret doing. We were working on our marriage until the new lover appeared. Since then I have cut off all ties with her. I have gone no contact and will cutoff financial support at the end of the summer.

    But I have no plans to divorce. I use the analogy that would I leave my wife if she were quadriplegic or had dementia? My wife is definitely sick and I made a vow to love and protect her in sickness and health and good and bad times. I may be crazy but I plan to the best of my ability to honor my commitment to her, our kids and her family.

    It’s not easy, I live in a little tiny apartment, I’m bored, lonely and miss my family terribly. I try to keep myself busy with hobbies, do not engage with other women at all (haven’t had a hug in months), and just take it day to day. I pray that someday we can have normal marriage and be happy but my hope for that is small.

    I do appreciate the support and information I get from these groups but I have no plans to leave. Is that crazy or is it honorable?

    1. Amanda says:

      I feel the same about my narc husband. And the logic makes sense..if she is aware of her issues and working on them. Someone who is quadriplegic or has dementia has no control over their illness. I totally get what you go through, mu husband doesnt even admit that he has any problems. He cant or wont admit the issues. Its just a no win situation w a narcissist 🙁

  5. Cindy says:

    I thank God for finding sit here, not even really feeling I have the strength to write. I have been in my relationship / marriage 17 years, now – the last Year & 1/2 (which has seemed like a lifetime), losing focus on “everything” in life but my marriage, my sanity, my peace, & anything that was ever good. I have spent at least the last 6 months wondering if I’m really crazy, as he says. I don’t even remember how it was I came across “narcissism” (imagine that – loss of memory), but I have researched it “every” chance I get for about a week now. I have been through more emotions in that week’s time than I can even describe, on top of the countless scrambled emotions, the last year & 1/2. I don’t think I could write anything about my N (I “believe” he is at this point, anyway), that I haven’t already read in my research & on these posts, other than the fact that he talks to himself, “frequently”, when he is alone & angry about something. If you heard him, you would think he is “really” talking to another person. So, yeah…I “am” confused about that one, seeing as I haven’t seen anything else written about that; Is that a trait of narcissism or isn’t it? I could write “so” much right now, but the fact is he will be home very shortly, so I can’t. I “know” it has to be over for us, though I can’t make that happen, physically OR financially, right now. As if I wasn’t crushed enough by everything thus far, including things I have read that were hard to admit…What’s mainly on my mind right “now” in writing this post is: I found out from someone, two nights ago, that a prostitute walked up to my husband’s truck (in a well-known neighborhood for prostitutes) & asked for a ride because “she was cold”. The way I hear it: He talked to her with utmost respect (something I don’t have). She pulled her breasts out & talked about how cold she was & said, “Look, my nipple’s are even hard!” I was told that he told her he would give her a ride, that “We can’t have you walking around in the cold or those nipples staying hard”. This is what I KNOW for a fact: He did in fact give her a ride. He went the “long” way to give that ride to where she asked to go. I know that because of a tracker I have on his phone (yes, pathetic, I know). When I got the phone call that night. He was sitting across the room from me. I hung up the phone & I wanted, with everything I had “already” felt at that point (from what I have learned this week), to jump up, grab a hammer or something & just crush his head in. I know, that sounds so horrible. I flew into an anxiety attack. I looked at him & I asked him: “WHY would you give a ‘hooker’ a ride?” He, of course, claimed he didn’t “know” she was a hooker. “She was just a woman that he simply was trying to help & that was all.” And, OF COURSE, letting me know how “ridiculous” I was for even questioning him about it. He then, of course starts screaming & raging at “Me” and my “accusations”. I’ve been over & over this, for 2 days in my mind (My gut feeling versus my “questioning myself on my gut feeling”). I think about what all I have read about the narcissist’s cheating. I think about the time, 13 years ago, when I found out he, in fact, brought a prostitute into our home, our bed, & had sex with her, along with a couple of other things I was never able to prove (women), & of course, he denies to this day. Concerning the fact that I am 99% Certain at this point that he IS a narcissist, I just can’t bring myself to believe that “nothing” happened during that “ride”. “He”, on the other hand, will NEVER – I’m sure – admit to anything because, of course, he does NO wrong. To “Me”, it’s either “in you/your character” to “sleep” with a prostitute, or it’s not…there’s no gray area (My belief). It’s been 2 days & he hasn’t spoken to me (that good ole silent treatment). Of course, I haven’t spoken to him, either. I haven’t even been given the chance (not sure that I would even take it – what’s the use) to express my feelings on the matter or what happened, at all to him…as if, who cares? No, I’m not surprised…as this is the way it’s been with my feelings for quite some time – Disregarded. Ironically….or is it….this was the same exact area that the other prostitute came from 13 years ago. He, of course, says nothing happened. What would you believe? Anyone? Any input would be so greatly appreciated. It’s pretty messed up, to be worried or concerned with “just wanting to help” a prostitute with “her problem”, but hasn’t shown even an “interest” or effort in “helping” anything in your marriage or family.

    1. Cindy says:

      I thank God for finding this site, was what I was trying to say…and then “As I sit here……….” Sorry.

    2. Colleen says:

      Cindy,
      The best info I can give you is TRUST YOUR GUT AND GET OUT NOW!! I have been married to a narc for 33 years now. I didn’t know anything about narcissism till 2 yrs ago and it only gets worse and escalates faster. I have had the exact feelings as have any wife of a narc. He is! Don’t question yourself because that is what he’s trained you to do. After 33 yrs and 3 grown sons later he has moved to where his girlfriend lives and taken ALL if the money from our business and left me destitute. I am in my 50’s and gave 2 jobs just to barely survive. Trust me and all the others who have been in this abusive relationship and get out. Save yourself before he destroys you.
      C

  6. Denise says:

    I’m glad to have found this blog. I Recently started to read more about my husband s behavior. He is not only narssistic but a alcoholic as well. Since our son has been hr has become very abusive . physical,emotional and mentally. I have spent nights hearing him telling at me putting me down. I have a daughter that is not biological his and he just random starrs her down mean. Of course it leads into an argument bc I am going to tell him what he did wrong. He at times treat me like a child. He plays favortism w the kids. I hate it so much . I filed for divorce . he cried to me that he will get help and stop drinking. He says he has talked to many ppl that have gone to rehab and is told to him that it don’t work. He hated that I was getting involved w church . raged at me for going bc he didn’t tell me to go. He would help at the church before I came along going to classes to get my sacraments. Unfortunately I still have not been able to get them bc of him. He cries for me to go home. He don’t bother asking me for our son. He would kick us out of the house . I get so drained from him bitching and putting me down I just leave w the kids to my parents house. For a good while things were going good. Things can be good but when he starts to rage it’s very extreme and I’m freaking out bc what just happened. He can be sweet, and loving. When we haven’t argued in a long time he week randomly bring out up that he realized it and within two days later out will start. I have the divorce on hold. He assumes that I cancelled it. I want to be a family and stuff. I never really been in a relationship. He is my first. It’s very hard. Bc I still do love him and don’t want to lose hope. I worry so much that I get anxiety attacks and my blood pressure gets bad. He knows that I’ll be a fighter but it comes to a point where I just stop and he follows still at it. I’m feeling cornered. He scared to go to jail. He tells at times he is done w me ,wants a divorce and don’t love me calls me a whore. It hurts so much. He has told my daughter twice that her own father don’t care for her. He tells me that I’m the one with anger issues and gets mad at the stupidest little things like me cursing in a text message. I stay at home with the kids. He can spoil us so well. I know I’m lucky to just go spending and stuff but it hurts w his actions when it does happen. He can be so great and wants to do what makes us happy than a flip everything is ruined when we least expect it . I’m hooing that if he lets go of the drinking that it will help us. But who knows

  7. Gwen says:

    After many months of and still going to therapy, I have learned that I am married to a narcissist for 25 years and my physical (Crohn’s Disease) and mental health has been an absolute nightmare. My story begins with the first time I met my husband, I thought he was the most amazing individual I had ever met, he treated me and my children from a previous marriage like royalty. When I first met him, he was quick to tell me that he was saddened by the fact that he was going through a divorce because his wife had cheated on him, my heart went out to him and I found myself consoling him continually. I guess the fact that I am a very compassionate, caring and trustful individual and the fact that I grew up in a severely dysfunctional household has contributed to my mental health as well, but this man made me feel like a queen on a throne for about a year or so after we married, then all hell broke loose.

    For 21 years I have had to endure his abuse, one of his favorites is gaslighting, I actually started to think that I had early onset of Alzheimer’s or dementia, hence the therapy. My gastroenterologist and family physician couldn’t understand why they were unable to stabilize my Crohn’s Disease, I have had to have 2 major surgeries for this and with no support from my husband, yes he took me to the hospital and waited until the surgery was over, then he left and would visit after his day’s work was complete for maybe and hour. When I was released from the hospital, he would take me home and just leave me there alone, because he had to go to work(he owns his own business), even after the physician recommended that someone be there with me for about 3 days after my discharge. When my brother, who I was very close to, passed away suddenly due to an auto accident, he seemed to care less, he didn’t even say I am sorry for your loss, no hugs, no show of love or concern for me at all. But he went to the funeral, complaining about it all the way there and put on such a show that I could have vomited. When his ex inlaw’s passed I was required to go, I didn’t belong there, but I was so tired of being disciplined by him that I had no choice. When his mother (who I took care of for 10 years) passed, he treated me like a vagabond, it was so bad that my youngest son picked up on it on a phone call with him, that he and his wife came down within 5 hours, my son confided in me that he was very concerned for me during this period of time. I forgot to mention that he ruled my kids and his daughter who moved with us at 7 years old was given anything and everything she wanted. I raised her, if it wasn’t for me I don’t know what would have happened to her, he was not involved in raising his daughter for one minute. She has become an amazing adult with a great professional career, and a beautiful family, that I adore. To this day he can’t understand why she doesn’t call him much or why he is unable to talk to her. Well hello, you get what you give and he hasn’t given much.

    He is constantly telling me how sickly I am because of my health issues, yells at me when my crohns flares and I have to flush the toilet, telling me when the septic system goes bad, I had better come up with the money to pay for a new one. He treats me like a child and demands that I listen to him at all times, if I don’t he threatens me with comments like “why don’t you listen to me” and “I don’t know if I can stay married to someone who doesn’t listen to me” He tries to buy off my grown children and attempts to turn them against me, but if they don’t take his twisting of what they may have said to use against me or take his advise, they are trash in his eyes and he has no problem telling me so to the point I end up in tears and feeling horrible. He monitors the mileage on my car constantly. I am required to call him immediately when I leave work for the day and if I don’t he will call and it is not a good time. He will constantly ask things like which shirt do you like or where should we go for dinner, but anything I suggest is not good enough for him and ultimately he makes the decision. He always asks me is that what your wearing? My cue to change into something else. He is constantly accusing me of having an affair, of which I have never given thought to or would even consider, he makes comments so strong that I feel he is calling me a slut!

    Leading to my next confusion with him, last year in May I went to visit my son and his family in Florida, which he suggested I do, he refused to go because of work. He never called once any other time I have been away he called constantly. Finally, I gave in and called him, he was arrogant and one thing led to another and he told me that he didn’t care if I never came back. I was so hurt and the tears flowed. When he picked me up at the airport, he was waiting for me and I leaned in to give him a kiss and he pulled away and said “give me your suitcase” and we left not saying a word to each other for the hour and a half home. He dropped me off and went to work. Then about 3 weeks later, he came in from work in such a good mood, a mood I hadn’t seen for a long time and he leaned in to kiss me. I backed away from him, and told him that he smelled funny. His mustache and beard smelled like he had just had oral sex. I never confronted him on that out of absolute fear until 3 weeks ago when he demanded that I tell him what has been bothering for along time, I am not the same, I do not listen to him, I don’t talk to him unless I am spoken to etc., He just kept at me and kept at me until I lost my temper (which I never, ever did) and I told him that I suspected that he was not being honest with me and I told him that I thought he had, had oral sex explaining what I had experienced! He looked at me with a slight smirk and then told me that he made a promise to himself that he would never do that to me. Then he changed the subject. I was left dumbfounded. What the hell was that, if he hadn’t wouldn’t he have shown his true nasty temper. He has not even once since that time brought it up, but he continues to point out all my flaws and short comings. A few weeks later I simply asked him if he still loved me and his response was, of course I do, I tell you I love you all the time and besides who would do all of my paperwork etc. for the business. He left me so blindsided that I am so confused! Has anyone ever had this or similar happen to them and if so how did you deal with it.

  8. Michelle says:

    I find myself wishing my husband would cheat on me because then I would have tangible reason to divorce him. Everything I read here hits the nail on the head and it’s like having a “Eureka!” Moment. I have spent 24 years trying to fix me and nothing gets better. But it all seems so vague and hard to articulate. After he does something really horrible I will “get over it” and am able to pretend things are fine until the next big one…all the little hurts I just shunt aside and stuff down. I’ve actually thought “Better the evil you know than the one you don’t”….

  9. anonymity says:

    Wanted to let all who are in this awful situation. Look up the name “Leslie Vernick” she is an amazing person who understandsent everything we are going through. Her book is titled “Emotionally Destructive Relationships” and she offers such amazing advise for us women to work on being strong again.

    1. K says:

      What hurts is the lying..The mental abuse..that you arent good enuff to be told the truth..all the loyalty you gave..everything you did for them…
      And the lack of respect not only for you but himself! So disappointing to think u thought u knew your best friend..hubby..partner..turned out to be the guy he said he never was..
      Fuck you Kdawg..u aint shit

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