Home » divorce » When Does Bible say Divorce Acceptable?

SHARE WITH FRIENDS:  
          

When Does Bible Say Divorce is RightWhen Does Bible Say Divorce is Right?

First off, I am not going to preach about does Bible say divorce is evil. I think God gave us divorce for a reason, if you are with a Narcissist, you have good in your soul and he/she is feeding off you. Also, while I don’t believe every word of the Bible is to be followed (because, bacon!) as far as living a good life full of love, there is a lot great information there. I do believe in God, I believe He loves me and you immeasurably, I also believe there is evil in the world, and that’s how we ended up where we are. So when does Bible say divorce is right? Let me share some backstory:

 

A Good Christian Girl~ How a Narcissist Snared Me

I grew up in the church. And in a very conservative homeschooling community. Let’s just say, because there were only two kids in our family, my mom and I wore pants, and we didn’t make our own bread, we were super modern and didn’t quite fit in. Even still, a lot of the attitudes wore off on me as a kid. Namely, I never considered divorce as an option. After all, God HATES divorce, right?

 

I always thought if two people were married, they would be committed 100% to each other. So they would work through stuff and they would be fine! That’s what I saw my parents do, that’s what happened I the books I read, That’s how I thought it worked, as soon as understanding was reached between partners, they could move on and be stronger.

 

I spent the first five years or so of my marriage trying to do that and always being frustrated and in pain, but still believing if he only understood HOW he was hurting me, surely he would change! I was judging him to react as I would react, and could not understand how he couldn’t/wouldn’t.

 

Emotional Abuse

The pain of that eventually led me to the knowledge that he was emotionally abusive, and then to the knowledge that he is a Narcissist and there is actually no hope for him. Even so, I tried to make things better, livable, because I was pregnant with my youngest when I finally figured it out and I just COULD NOT handle what I had discovered.

 

Even as things kept getting worse. I found that believing the man I had married, the man I had known for a decade, was so empty and horrible inside, was almost impossible to comprehend. It was something that has taken me YEARS to accept, as I am more and more able to see beyond his mask.

 

When I Left

I left him in 2015. I finally exploded about all the things he was doing, gave him the proof I had, and watched as he took my car keys and refused to let me leave the house, as he called my parents to “prove to them what a liar I was” (side-note, this action is pretty much the most insane thing he has done to my knowledge, my parents would NEVER take his word over mine and didn’t even like him for the first five years we were together. Needless to say, they like him even less now). I have never in my life seen such contempt on a person’s face as the contempt on his when he told me what a liar I was.

 

Hoovered Back In

After I left him, he decided he couldn’t live without me, and started going to church three days a week, he got baptized (in front of the whole church), he agreed to counseling, and anger management. He begged for forgiveness and eventually, I believed him. We got back together two months later.

 

I really thought he had changed, and he did actually. The only thing is, no matter how many times you dip down in the water, a tiger cannot change his stripes. He may change some of his behaviors, but at his core he is still the horrible person he has always been. He isn’t raging his never ending criticisms anymore, he just says them and then gives me the silent treatment if I don’t agree. I guess that’s better, but not by much.

 

Do We Have Biblical Justification for Leaving a Narcissist?

My point is: does Bible say divorce is justified under these conditions? Does Bible say divorce is acceptable from a person like this? Abuse is widely accepted as an acceptable reason to seek divorce, but is it only physical abuse? Or does emotional, verbal, financial, covert abuse included? Do we need to seek permission from the church to leave our spouse (as some other bloggers have maintained)? Does this fall under the umbrella of being unequally yoked or should we as wives be attempting to win over our unbelieving husbands by our good deeds?

 

Save Them By Our Example?

Let’s address that last point first, as I think its most relevant here. My story is a perfect example. He has been “saved” or so he says, but the abuse has not stopped. I will say that most of his abuse he probably doesn’t even see as abusive, since his family behaves the same way and he thinks nothing should ever change, ever. That does not excuse his actions, merely explains them. However, he does not exhibit any of the fruits of the spirit (Gal 5:22 The Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control) so I highly doubt he has actually accepted God into his life.

 

Unequally Yoked

When does Bible say divorce is acceptable? When you are unequally yoked, as in, you have faith (or empathy or morals or compassion for others) and he does not?

2 Cor 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

Yes, I think this falls under this heading, even if he claimed to be a christian before you were married. It wasn’t the truth. I don’t feel this is actually something we can condemn ourselves for however, the action of marrying a Narcissist. Very few people go into a narcissistic marriage knowing what they’re doing. Usually they present a much better version of themselves to get you to the alter/level of commitment where its super hard to leave.

 

I still feel I was tricked into marriage, a bait and switch, where he was one man before we were married and another IMMEDIATELY after. So in all honesty, the man I chose to marry left me a long time ago (and abandonment is another biblical tenant for divorce).

 

Do We Need Permission From The Church?Gods Blessing In Divorce

Also, I don’t think we need permission from anyone to leave our partner. No one knows what we deal with and I feel having to “justify” our actions is re-victimization. If we feel unsafe, if we feel abused, and we know their behavior is abusive, and then they refuse to change (or say they will and don’t), then we should feel totally justified in leaving.

 

They have voided the marriage vows to love and honor, over and over and over again, why should we be held to a different standard? You have the right to protect yourself and do whatever you can to protect your children as well. No other person has the right to tell you you cannot do that, and no other person has the authority to give you permission either. You have to take back your authority from the narcissist and give yourself your freedom.

 

When does Bible say Divorce is Okay?

Going back to does bible say divorce is acceptable though, this verse spoke to me and convinced me that my marriage is NOT the best, and that God will bless (and has) my efforts to remove myself from it.

 

2 Timothy 2:22-24 & 3:6

22.Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 23.Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. 24.And the Lords servant must not be quarrelsome, but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

3:1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2.People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3.without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4.treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure, not lovers of God-  5.having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. 6.They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women.

 

Sounds like a Narcissist, right?

I don’t know about you guys, but that last verse about worming his way into my home and taking control really felt like my story. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was gullible, first because I was only 17, second because I really wanted to believe there was a miracle. Both times he fooled me.

 

So does Bible say divorce is acceptable from a Narcissist? I definitely think so. I believe they are some of the few whose hearts are so hard they will never find God, as much as that pains me to say. The same reasons a Narc does not really improve in therapy are the same reasons God is not able to change their heart, it requires humility and the willingness to self reflect, and a narcissist will never be able to do that.

 

Facing Religious Oppression

I am not your pastor, have never gone to Bible school. But I do know religious oppression of women by men is super common and I expect to face that in spades when time comes to leave him again. I am not planning on staying at my church, I’m not planning on justifying my choices to them either. God knows my story and what I deal with daily.

 

Some of us though, may not be as “rebellious” as I have been raised 😉 and maybe you need some ammunition when suddenly you’re faced with folks who would judge you for “abandoning” your husband. You hold this to your heart and know you’re making the right choice. And you can answer their question about does Bible say divorce is ok, confidently.

 

Narcissistic Eroding of Your SelfBiblical Freedom From Narcissistic Abuse

A Narcissist will change you, they will drag you down to their level and stomp you into the mud until that’s all you can see. They will thwart whatever purpose you have been put here to fulfill, because in their mind your only purpose is to serve them. With a Narcissist in your home, peace will not live there. You will be tired and depressed and barely holding on for the rest of your days. Now tell me, does this sound like the abundant life God wants for us? Does this sound like a life we can make a difference in the world living?

 

Allowing Evil to Thrive

No, sadly I am coming to realize that by staying with a Narcissist, we are actually enabling evil to thrive in the world. Yes, we do it for good reason, and yes, maybe we can’t leave just yet. But let’s be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that the longer we allow a Narcissist to call the shots in our lives, the longer we miss out on living our purpose.

 

It might hurt, in fact, it’s almost a guarantee. It’s going to be really really hard emotionally no matter how much you prepare. But you know what would be worse? I never know what kind of life you could have had because you were too afraid of the pain to try.  I’m scared too, no lie. But I am determined, he is not my whole story and I WILL close this chapter soon.

More Verses

 

JOIN OUR COMMUNITY
Join over 2,500 visitors who are receiving our newsletter and learn how to rebuild, resist, and avoid Narcissists in your life
We hate spam. Your email address will not be sold or shared with anyone else.

Article By :

26 thoughts on “When Does Bible say Divorce Acceptable?

  1. Deanna Mason says:

    I divorced my narcissist this year after wasting many years with him. It was hard but I finally feel at peace.

    1. Jackie says:

      I am really happy for you. I am in the sAme boat trying to figure out what is next in my life. Since I have wasted so many of my yeArs with this man. It’s horrible, nobody really understands unless you have lived it and are going through it.

  2. Afoona says:

    So glad there is a place where truth lives. I need to remember. I need to be reminded over and over lest I be lulled by his poison. He is the absence of me. Thanks for the reminders. You say it so well.

    1. WONDERFUL says:

      I’ve left comments before. Get out while you can. I promise, there will come a day when you simply can’t. This toxic person will steal your faith and kill your soul. There will come a day you simply won’t have the will to get out of bed, nevermind leave and begin a new life. Don’t doubt it. I’m living that very scenario. Everyday I wake up is a huge disappointment. I look forward to leaving this earth. The pain and suffering will stop.

      1. Lettie says:

        You know him, he does not even know you because he doesn’t care to. So that gives you power because since you know him, you are smarter than him. Make a plan. Work on it everyday. Play the game he thinks he is winning until you can get out. You need to do this for the sake of what is good and right and true. Be smart, take your time, don’t rush. Plan every step. God is with you and He will help you get your freedom. God bless you.

    2. Nancy Martin says:

      Congrats. After a bitter custody and long court class since 2013… considering he was living with new supply I broke free. PTSD bad but I got 100% custody unless he gets help. The pain and New freedom is wonderful and kids doing well. Be strong… it gets better

      1. Sheryl Simons says:

        Any recommendations about seeking custody from these monsters? Most courts dont recognize the custody issue with a narcissist!

  3. Lisa Bailey says:

    This was so beautifully articulated! Thank you so much for sharing. It is like you took the thoughts in my head and put them in fluid words. I was married for 22 years and have been divorced for over a year now. I was shunned by 90% of the Christians in my life, for divorcing. This common problem we share is a nasty secret Christianity doesn’t want to deal with. I know first hand as I tried to ‘love’ my husband to be the man God intended him to be. If you haven’t already, would you please read this article? I think you have so much to add to this, especially with the scripture you sighted. I believe in you and know you have what it takes to rise above this and fly! Much love, Lisa

    http://safeplaceministries.com/files/6513/4129/1371/The_Silent_Killer_of_Christian_Marriages.pdf

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Yes! I love it. So much abuse is hidden in the church because they think it will mess up their whole “husband is the head of the household=submissive wife” agenda. Totally overlooking/ignoring that the command is also that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church “even dying for her”. Nope, just submit, submit, submit…. ugh. I cant handle it. SO SO SO SO WRONG

  4. Susan says:

    I was thinking about you just the other day and wondering how you are doing. I am behind you all the way. While marriage is a sacred, holy covenant your spouse has broken his side of the covenant. You have given him ample opportunity to change and he has only pretended to change. I remember being at a women’s retreat years ago and a woman saying that she struggled and prayed and tried to support her spouse in every way to save her marriage, etc. But when she actually prayed to know what was best for her spouse to help him grow she was surprised to have divorce be the answer. Your husband lacks boundaries; divorce is the final boundary that tells him he CANNOT treat you like this any more. God would love for every marriage to be successful, but that requires effort, humility, and all the other Godly virtues from both parties. It’s not your job to suffer for this man, you have done your best; move on. God bless you.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank you. <3

  5. NarcWife23 says:

    I recently left my husband after 23 years of marriage after finding your web site and finally finding a name for what I had been living with and through. I sobbed with relief as I found stories that closely mimicked my own and finally knew with certainty that it wasn’t ME! I am Catholic and have always been loyal to my faith and my vows. Two things finally convinced me that I was justified in leaving: 1) A priest who had personal experience with a diagnosed narcissist told me that if the tendencies were seen before or early in the marriage (they were typically mild but in hindsight present), then the marriage was likely not valid in the first place. You see, I did not consent to marry a man with a personality disorder who would emotionally abuse me for our entire marriage, therefore the marriage is likely invalid. 2) A position paper put forth by the American Council of Catholic Bishops entitled, “When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.” This paper clearly states that violence against women- including psychological or verbal- is sinful and is NEVER justified, and that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. Even if you are not Catholic, I recommend you to read this paper – it is a powerful and well written statement that speaks out in support of abused women and their right to leave the situation and divorce if necessary, citing scripture and Bible passages that speak out against violence of any kind. This paper has given me great peace and I have referred to it often in my journey out of the marriage. We are victims of the worst kind of psychological and emotional abuse because it is often so covert and preys on our kindness, empathy, and endless capacity to forgive. I forgive, as I am convinced that this is a mental illness that is not only bigger then me, but bigger than them- but I will not reconcile.
    Peace and love to you on your own personal journey…

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      thank you! I agree, although its hard sometimes not to hate them for what they have done to our dreams, our kids, ourselves, its useless. They are sick and dont know it or just dont care. Hate is useless. Forgiveness is for ourselves, not for them (since they dont see anything wrong with how they act). When we can forgive them and most importantly, forgive ourselves, then we can move on. Thank you for the paper recommendation as well, I read it and its spot on. And very insightful, since we go into these marriages under false pretenses, really the entire thing is a fraud.

  6. Dayza says:

    What tied the two to get married? Are those ties broken intentionally or unintentionally? Thats how i believe were decided about divorce

  7. Debra Blaszak says:

    Here’s the “ah-ha!” I got from struggling for years with this very issue. First it says in Matt. 19:8—Jesus is replying that Moses permitted divorce because the man’s hearts were hardened. If it was permitted in the Old Testament by the man who carried the law down the mountain, it was God showing compassion for women way back when… Remember what applies to men is applicable to women. I prayed to God for a year to change my heart and change my husband’s heart. I mean 2 hours a day of seeking God because I couldn’t take it anymore. He showed me how hard my husband’s heart was, and somehow, I can’t even remember how—showed me NPD, and how my husband was ALL the criteria. I read that scripture—-knowing only God could separate (Mark 10:9), and ASKED GOD FOR SEPARATION because my husband’s heart had hardened.
    I honestly feel God answered my prayer because one day it occurred to me I need to do less. As you know, with a narc, you are probably doing EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE (even traditional man things), so was I (still am)—but I decided to ask my teenage daughter to do her own laundry. She has, but her first time of doing it, she asked me why can’t dad do his own, he doesn’t work? I thought, she’s right. So I stopped doing his laundry. Also, because I was so tired at night, hitting the bed at 9:30 because I couldn’t stay awake from exhaustion, I decided to start sleeping through the usual “my husband coming to bed at 1:30 a.m. after his games or movie or partying and me having to scratch his back for him to fall asleep”. I simply stopped scratching his back, like I was demanded to do for 15 years.
    So I believe God hardened his heart a little bit more, maybe based on these 2 boundaries I set, maybe something else. Either way, he started threatening to leave me and for once, I encouraged it. We are separated now and ladies, I have not been this emotionally and mentally strong in a solid 15 years. I mean it. I am not mourning him at all.
    The second and final point I wanted to share that helped me in this area is what I have read in the bible about righteousness—-righteousness means justice but it also means “uprightness” or sometimes “morality”. I was trying to stay married, to maintain my morality that divorce is wrong and breaking a vow is wrong. But Isaiah 64:6 says “all of our righteous acts are like flithy rags”. Essentially my morality to keep my vows when it is killing me is still unclean to God. I might be able to not need Jesus’ righteousness to cover me in other areas, but it is ok to need it in this area, and to accept grace that God gives us daily.
    Finally, in 1 Corin 13, the Apostle Paul says “without love, you have nothing”. If only one partner has love, but the other one lives a lie, calling it love, then you are put in the position of disobeying the one commandment that sums up all the others: “love others as you love yourself” (Mark 12:31)…
    I leave you with this question—is it really loving yourself to let yourself stay now that you know who he is?
    Grace, mercy and love to you all. I know we can call on God to help us through and OUT.

  8. Elena says:

    Wow! I really needed to read this! I have to make a change for sure! Thank you

  9. Shari says:

    Hi Samantha, i’m not a Christian, so this doesn’t ring with me. I’m just trying to find a way to leave without being crushed. So what’s up with your plans?

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Hi Shari! My plans are going good actually. My hope is to be out this spring, but by mid summer at the latest. I actually even have a place all lined up, I just need to work on my income. Its all coming together and I am excited and terrified and mostly just ready to get away from him. I just keep telling myself I can handle whatever I need to and it helps. But its still overwhelming a lot of days. Honestly, I am trying to prepare for the worst and to lose pretty much everything, which realistically isnt all that much since he spends money even before it comes in, but still, bracing myself mentally. <3

  10. sheryls says:

    One topic I haven’t seen is the effect of narcissism (abuse) on children. I was trapped, as were most of you, in the mindset that ‘staying ‘ was the Biblical thing to do. But after 15 years I had to get out! Narcissism is like a flesh eating monster! My body began falling apart. My body literally knew, before my brain did, that I would not survive if i stayed.
    But too much damage had already been done to the children, emotionally. They were afraid of their father, and after hearing all his complaints about me over the years, it took a toll. Even though I was the go-to parent for everything, he became Disneyland Dad! He allowed unthinkable movies, and turned them against me. I so wish I’d left sooner and really understood what was happening back then.
    we had 2 week visitation. The kids would come to my house hating me. Not even a smile for several days. He undermined everything I tried to do.They said they didn’t have to do chores!
    22 years later, our family is splintered.
    He has so many fooled. The only thing to do is pray! I pray the kids will one day realize what really happened. I taught my kids to not fight back! That is on me! I thought I was being a submissive wife. I had to sink into depression before I could escape.
    I ended up working at a domestic violence shelter. I was told I was one of the few who didn’t want to repeat my mistakes, with my head buried in the sand. I got a bachelor’s degree in Human Service. That is how I fight back…
    I thought I was headed to hell, until I learned God still loved me.

    1. Tricked wife says:

      How soon is too soon to consider separation or divorce from someone with NPD? We got married a few months ago but like a light switch he completely changed after the wedding. I’m so miserable and lonely. He is explosive over sugggestions to clean up, doesn’t like me to talk to my friends or family about him, and shows zero empathy for traumatic events. He confronts me in front of my best friends and blames everything on me. Please help. I feel so naive, trapped, and miserable.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        Too soon??? Its NEVER too soon. Get out now while its easier. I know that sounds nuts, its never easy. But the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. I PROMISE. I thought about leaving him lots of times early in our marriage but there was always a “good reason” to stay and hope. If I knew then what I know now, I would have said to cut bait and run and never look back. GO NOW. You will be thankful you did!!

  11. stacey l caulk says:

    God hates the things that cause divorce. It breaks marriages and familes. During my separation and divorce seeking, I struggled with this in the beginning. I have to stay with him? I have to endure all this abuse? Nope. God said just listen to My voice, block all others out. Don’t need to justify or validate what’s going on in your home. My husbands actions broke the marriages vows, his covenant with God, not me…I just cleaned up the mess with divorce. Men aren’t loving their wives as Christ loves the church because…..they don’t love themselves deep down. There are many in my church that disagree or don’t understand my choices to divorce. Not my problem to make them understand. It’s a personal relationship between me and God. I’ve surely lost friendships but also gained strong women around me who support me because they’ve been there done that. My word is to stay focused and rely on Jesus thru this all. Keep our hearts right with Him. ❤
    18 yrs together, 7 Married and a million red flags unseen until Feb 2016. I was awakened and learned much about narcissism and toxic relations. Where there is no repentance, there is no heart change.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Good for you! You are a strong woman and I am so impressed by your ACTION. It’s something I struggle with daily. Thank you for sharing your story, I have known what he is for four years and am just now closing in on separation (due to legal stuff with the closing of our business two years ago divorce won’t be an option for a while yet, its crazy). I don’t feel ready, as I thought I would, but I AM ready since its pretty much all I can think about and I dream about giving my girls a better life.

      I am under no delusions, I know it’s going to suck in a lot of ways, but I think a life that’s half normal is better than a life that’s totally dysfunctional. I have a choice now, my youngest is old enough I can handle being away from her part-time, and I can give them this, or I can give them a dysfunctional childhood with a mother who is barely hanging on and struggling for her sanity daily. It’s the truth. And its super hard to accept.

      So thank you for sharing your story.

      1. stacey Gansert says:

        Once I truly began living for the Lord and learning who I was thru His eyes and His words, it became apparent to me what was going on. In the past, I was accepting less than what He had for me.
        I was a stay at home, volunteer mom (because I should trust God to provide thru my husband) of our 2 children 17 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter. I had no income, nor employment history due to gazillions of volunteer hours. When adultery was discovered last yr, he justified it, then denied it, whatever he could to take focus off him in this situation. I tried so hard to gain employment and move out. No way would I ever let him near me again. 18 yrs of same patterns….he’s not even sorry. No repentance. No heart change.
        He made fb live videos about me and his fake sorrow but would only tell a smidgen of what happened. Just enough to make it seem like he was being honest and get people to feel sorry for him and think I was unforgiving and cold hearted. Told him I didn’t think it was fair I had to uproot and move when I didn’t do anything. So a few days later he told me an hour before he left that he had found a room to rent and was leaving. What a huge sigh of relief but at the same time, stressful because I was alone with all the financial responsibility and no income. Every day God has provided what we have needed and I’ve been cleaning homes and doing other odd jobs for friends nearby. He refuses to help support his children because he did it for 10.5 yrs and now it’s my turn. Lol ok. I was nowhere near ready for the responsibility of ALL bills and car and food and kids, but God….I took the step and God honored it because I kept my heart right with Him. I guess, just don’t wait for the perfect time because there isn’t one. “Oh but what if you fly” kept going thru my head. And..God has been guiding and directing every minute and every step. ❤

  12. J says:

    I divorced a narcissist woman in 2015. It was horrible for me and my two young children. I was broken after 3 years of trying to make it work with a person who could not learn empathy (that’s all I asked for in counseling…my bad, right?) and spent our whole life projecting an image of perfection to our friends, our family, and anyone who would buy it. The movie Inside Out put me over the top. I couldn’t figure out how somebody couldn’t imagine and project emotions onto me, even after seeing a movie whose basis was the emotions that live inside of all of us. The best description I heard of her from friends and family was that she was very “Stepford wifeish”. She was happiest taking pictures of our beautiful children. Marriage was a mostly sexless existence where I lived to serve her image needs and the shell of a life that she created for my children and I.

    When I finally filed, there was one rule of thumb…anything of value that she truly wanted went with her, anything requiring responsibility went with me (our two dogs, financial responsibilities, etc). She took all the significant cash from our home, bought thousands of dollars of electronics when I told her I was filing, took thousands of dollars from our joint savings to jump start her new life (completely justified…I just took the same amounts when she did), “lost” my passport while moving the kid’s and her passports, took savings bonds that belonged to me that continue to be worthless to her, and played dumb when the court asked her for those items to be returned. We couldn’t agree on anything, we fought over everything, and we both paid a fortune in lawyer fees to settle the divorce. I have to own my part in that. I played tough defense to prevent her from taking as much as she could from me. She hired the best attorney (after “losing” and having to settle with 50/50 placement initially) and used my severe emotional distraught with the situation against me. She moved on really quick to a new guy. Had somebody regular in 2 months, then upgraded as she saw fit to her current guy. My dating was fragmented and motivated by distraught. I was shocked at how quickly I was discarded and how I became viewed as a villain and “the bank”. In her defense, I did go on the offense and described my marriage and the narcissistic behaviors to many friends and family, using social media to share my perspective. I studied psychology, read books, and diagnosed her with personality disorder to the court based on the information I found online and her history of psychiatric care while we were married (she never shared with me an actual diagnosis from her significant therapy and medication history during our marriage…I had to figure that out on my own). In the end, I was trying to justify my actions to myself, as we lived a perfect life on social media and to casual friends. In hindsight, I should have kept my mouth shut and moved forward quietly. She used my emotional outbursts and distraught against me. She won more than 50% custody of the children. She continually harassed me to get an emotional response, then trotted it out to the court to justify her malicious behaviors. She continues to routinely threaten to throw the kids under the bus and confuses their best interests with her best interest. The emotional damage and her narcissistic rages took their toll on me, but I’m healing well. I’ve started a new life on my own. I regretfully went through a 9 month relationship during my divorce that was completely exhilarating (my first experience with a woman with empathy in 10 years), but it turned out to be unhealthy as well for different reasons. Now I am embracing my life alone and doing my best to reinforce empathy to my young children and teach them that their happiness must come from within them (thank you Trolls movie!). My ex wife feeds off of them, her new boyfriend and his family, and her family (with whom she reconciled after not speaking with for 7 years…although her dad passed away and she refused to go to his funeral or see him as he was dying…in hindsight, he was probably a narcissist too). I just sit back and watch the show and play defense when she gaslights and throws fits to undermine my authority over my time with my children. I’m learning to co-parent with an emotional 3 year old and it is mainly parallel parenting. Co-parenting with a narcissist just doesn’t exist. Most books on divorcing a narcissist will tell you that.

    My biggest regret throughout the divorce was trying to get her to see how her behaviors were emotionally effecting me and our young children. I learned everything I could about narcissism and tried to get her to see it in herself through all her self feeding behaviors. When she couldn’t, I pointed out how her associated behaviors could effect her relationships moving forward with her children, her new boyfriend, and her family. I tried anything to get closure or a sense from her that during our 10 years together, I meant anything to her other than being a financial provider, a sperm donor, and a worker bee to her queen bee. I’ll never get that as she is incapable of seeing me as a human being. I was split, devalued, and discarded (it’s a very effective defense mechanism to those with cluster B personality disorders). What I did get was a harassment injunction for trying to point these things out. I have to own my part in that as well. She doesn’t want to own her behaviors, she wants to be a victim. She can’t deal with my perspective. She wants to move on to a new perfect life with her new perfect guy and their combination of kids. Congratulations to him. He can slowly become her new slave…it start’s at “I do”. She’ll never leave such a great situation. It feeds her relentless ego and she has a new victim to feed her ego. At least I can now protect my kids from the sickness 43% of the time and am free from modeling a dysfunctional codependent relationship to them. That was my greatest victory. Finding myself again after years of emotional abuse has also been a reward. At some point, I like to think that I’ll have a relationship that is built on mutual respect with somebody with a strong sense of self worth. But if I never find that person, I can still be happy raising two children independently to be confident, strong individuals without the need to feed their mother’s ego on a full time basis.

    This is my story. I hope it helps others on this site relate.

    J

    1. J says:

      And as a footnote, I am a spiritual person. I prayed a lot over the situation before I filed. There were signs everywhere from God that I needed to move forward without my ex wife. God guides us in little ways through friends and family and signs around us. I hope everyone else has had a similar experience. I am convinced that if we ask God for something, he will provide it…not on our terms, but on his.

Leave a Reply

Archives