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This is the only place in the entire world where I can actually be myself. And the horrible, painful irony, is I cant show my face or use my real name here. I can’t risk him finding out.

HOW could I ever have thought this was normal?! To have everything that’s me taken away, to be denied even the smallest voice, to be ridiculed and put down and ignored until I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Ask me what I do for fun, and I can’t tell you. I don’t have fun, I have moments of peace, that about all I get. It breaks my heart to say that, but that’s what happens when your with a Narcissist. They’re Vampires, they suck all the YOU out of you and try and re-fill you with they’re own version of what they think they want. And after this horrible attack on your “self”, this denial of all that you are, after you have tried to become who they need… Turns out, they were wrong, and this person they created isn’t what they want/need after all, and then they HATE you for it.

And then they find someone new,foolingyou who doesn’t have any clue what they are. They tell them that you’re selfish and lazy, they tell them that your all the things that THEY actually are. They lie and make it sound like you’re the bad guy, and they’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation, trying to be a “good” husband, a “good” father (or wife/mother). They make an entire life without you, but heaven help you if you try and do anything without them…

I try, God help me, I’m trying so hard, to rebuild myself. To regain who I was. I finally realized, it is not possible. That girl is long gone. I am scarred, and bruised, and wiser than I ever hoped I would be. I am damaged and I’m OK with it. I have LIVED and learned from it. I wont ever be that innocent, hopeful, naive, trusting girl again. In fact, Im not the girl hoping for an epic romance anymore either. I just want to be alone. So so so so much. To just be on my own, sleep alone, travel alone, read, paint, write, be with my kids, and be alone. I so don’t want another persons drama, I cant deal with anyone elses pain, their brokenness, their failings. I cant do it. And quite frankly, I don’t believe there is actually a man out there who could stand with me, protect me, and be any kind of comfort to me. Honestly, I don’t believe there are any TRULY strong men out there. Maybe I’m wrong, but I keep envisioning myself alone, on a beach, in a little cottage with books and coffee and wine. And peace and that’s like my safe place I escape to in my mind. I don’t know what that says about the state of my soul, but I really just want to be alone…

I’m not all these things he tries to make me. I’m more than that and better and deeper and more powerful. I’m a lion and he’s a coyote, playing at being bad. And somehow, over all these years he’s convinced me that I’m a bunny, and he’s my “protector”, and that I need him. Well, game over. I woke up. And while it might take me some time to remember how to be a lion, and how to use my strength, I am not going back to pretending I am anything but what I am. So brace yourself asshole, I might eat you….

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28 thoughts on “Finding Myself…

  1. Lisa says:

    Wow this really hit home for me. I, too, want to be alone. If I can ever get out, I will never marry again out of fear of being duped. I don’t know me anymore…

  2. Marni says:

    Dont try to eat him – its tainted meat. I never realized mine was a narcissist…I thought so little of myself by the point I was done – that I did not prepare for the war that would be raged against me.

    All I can tell you is – if you have kids – the court goes in the favor of a socio-path. They are the calm collected one, they make the most sense, they know how to push your buttons. And afterward – they keep up the pressure and don’t let up until 6 years later – they destroy what you tried to rebuild.

    I let him have everything, just no the kids. The house, the china, all of it. I walked away with nothing. But it ate at him I wasn’t ruined. And he has spent the last 6 years making it happen.

    We went to mediation – he said “you deserve nothing”….and he meant it.

    He is so convincing, by the time the court appointed GAL, etc figure it out – they refuse to admit they were fooled and try to cover up the mess. And me with it – because they think I will just wilt and fade away.

    Document everything. Get a good lawyer – good luck with that – cause no one believes you. Oh he will quit once he finds someone else….Hell no. Then they double team you.

    Limit conversations and have someone else read his crap – trust me – I hear his condescending tone with every last one. I hardly read them.

    Yes – I lost the kids. And now I have to pay him child support – based on the made up numbers he provided. Like I can make what I did before he took my business partner and then my kids away. My kids are miserable and beg me to help them. Of course this is my fault they are so unhappy because I am brainwashing them…..

    The judge just ordered my communication to be cut in half. 440 texts in 49 days is an indication of behavioral issues and an inability to not interfere in their being stable at their fathers. The truth is 547 texts in 90 days – 2 phones – so that would be an average of 3 texts per day. 100 texts a day is the line where psychologists get concerned. So – I basically have had no communication with the girls for over a year. And no text has been provided by the court to show I am not being “appropriate”. Just my ex stating I am playing on their emotions.

    So now that I have been ordered to pay child support of 1,300/month, retroactive to Feb, my real salary is 1/10 of his, and I can’t pay my house payment now….I am subject to civil penalties after 3 months behind. My city, they like to put you in jail until you pay the current month. Then they put you back in every 2 months. My attorney is “working on it”. I guess prison ministry was something God wants me to do. Unlike Jonah, I am done fighting it. I can’t pay it and I won’t borrow one more dime from anyone.

    And even that won’t make him happy. But maybe this will change public opinion – because I don’t think anyone believes that I am crazy and I can pay him more child support than he paid me. Or that a crazy person belongs in jail cause I can’t pay him. Or lose my house and still be in jail. But it will make him happy for 10 minutes, and then he will work on the next plan.

    I am tired.

    1. When you say document everything, what do you mean? I’ve written countless texts and letters to my husband (because he won’t allow me to speak my mind) and I think he just deletes and trashes them, but I don’t. I used to keep a journal of every bad treatment that he did to me, but then that was on a day to day bases and I just thought, what the hell forget it. So what other documents should I gather or keep to use in divorce court when the time comes??

    2. sandie says:

      I feel your pain. The courts are biased against the woman who is telling them what’s happening because narcs are masters at twisting things. I used to tell my husband “I want to live one more day than you, because I don’t want to live without you.” This is a quote that Christopher Robin told Winnie the Pooh. It’s a term of endearment. He took it to the court and tried to get a restraining order because he said that I was suicidal and he was afraid for his life. He said that if I was suicidal, that meant I wanted to kill him first. When I told the judge where the quote was from and that I’d been saying it to him for 20 years, the judge started denying ALL his restraining order requests. (There have been 7 in the last 7 years–none granted past the temporary stage where you have to wait for a hearing, but just enough time for him to wipe out bank accounts, take everything from our home, and try to starve me out.) unfortunately, they will NEVER stop. We are their prey for life. He was so incensed when I purchased a home he has me back in court trying to stop support. It won’t happen. There are laws and I’ve learned to use them better than he has. He always fires his attorney because he won’t pay the bill. It’ll happen again. Luckily, my kids are grown, thanks to an inheritance, my house is paid off, and I need very little to live on. Very soon I won’t need him for anything, and that truly, is the only way out. If they’re imputing income to you that you can’t afford, file a modification immediately. Keep filing every month until they get sick of you.

    3. Amanda says:

      Im sorry, u seem hopeless and its heartbreaking to me…idk what to say except that you’ve been horribly victimized by a monster, this is so very wrong, Im at a loss for words…how do these ppl convince others so well?? It is criminal that your children are separated from you bc he has to “win” every situation. Im still w my narcissist, I guess I’m lucky bc he definitely doesnt want our kids, they’re both still babies and he refuses to do anything in their day to day care. He cant do anything he wants to do while caring for babies…your post was awhile ago but I hope you are holding up, you’ll be in my prayers…I wish u lots of good vibes and love 🙂

      1. Gather up your babies and run as fast as you can. What he does to you, he’ll do to them. It’ll be war, but in the end, it’ll be worth it. Make sure you can get ahold of a LOT of money–start siphoning off whatever you can.

  3. OMGosh, it’s as if I could have written this myself. My ex-narc STILL (after 7 years of divorce) tries to make it like I’m the one who is the crazy one. The worst part is, he’s found a new way to hassle me–the courts. He constantly takes me back to court for imagined wrongs, when in reality it’s all because he doesn’t want to pay child support. And of course, the courts just see this man who acts really nice. Well I caught on real quick. No contact, ever. The only time I see him is in court and it’s with an attorney by my side. Mind you, he divorced me, not the other way around. He left me for an interwhore (a woman who preys on men on the internet) who is MARRIED, and after 4 years of living with her, she’s still married to someone else. But hey, I’m the crazy one right? It’s taken me a long time, but I have got to my happy place. The old me is starting to come back. I still have a problem with trusting men, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be in the place where I can trust a man again, but I really don’t care. I get to be me again. I get to do the things that I want to do. I go to sleep at night not worried about what I’ve done “wrong” that day (you know–like fold his socks wrong, or not make dinner to his liking, or, as he complained in our divorce trial–I kept the house “too clean.”), but filled with the knowledge that I’m a good person. I’ve always had a kind heart and I’m taking care of my kids and they see how things really are. The best advice I ever got was from my aunt when he stole all of our belongings, let our house go into foreclosure, and tried to take the kids away (he lost in court on all of those things–I have 100% custody of the kids and got paid out for belongings and the damage he did to our credit rating)–my aunt said– “just keep being you. People will see the difference in time.” She was right. He hasn’t seen his kids in over 3 years (not because I won’t let him, but because he doesn’t care to), his family won’t talk to him, all of his friends have left him, and now all he has is a married woman he lives with who thinks she’s going to get his money, but I can use the courts too–and all of his assets are now being attached to provide for our disabled child the rest of her life. I wonder how long the new girl will stay now that she’s not going to get anything. Dig down deep, save up your money to live for a while, and run from the narc as fast as you can. You really need to start filing restraining orders, going to the doctor to complain about how this is affecting you and start making your case for the courts. Only then can you be free. I wish you the best.

  4. Stacey says:

    It’s a process. You will continue to evolve. Once you are free of him, the healing begins…and you can become so much more than you ever were.

  5. Karen says:

    Be strong. You are strong! It’s going to get so so much better!
    I kicked mine of 7 years out last week.
    I’m free! He is already moving in with a local barmaid he was no doubt sleeping with for months
    Screw them all. It’s like I was living in hell and now I can breathe again.

    Never ever give up hope. There are great guys out there. I couldn’t stay and let my 4 year old think that men can talk to women the way my narcissist talked to us. Karma is a wonderful thing and we are now smiling and laughing and living!

    You can do it!

  6. Wendy G says:

    Thank you for articulatibg so well what this experience feels like, seems like, and is like. I’ve been fortunate enough to have good friends who helped me see the truth before it destroyed me. Stay strong and know you have helped me by sharing.

  7. Michele says:

    I couldn’t have written this any better. This is my life and I’m struggling terribly to find myself again….thank you for writing this…..

  8. A. says:

    You are not in this alone, and knowing you exist makes me understand that I am not alone in this, either. Much love & appreciation for articulating the things in my mind and in my heart.

  9. Saiph says:

    You are helping those of us still figuring out that we have a narc partner and how to deal with them. Reading your blog and the comments has been a lifeline for me on more than one occasion! Please keep up the good work!

  10. kyle says:

    I made the mistake of saying something that was ignored, then my subconscious punished me again with another nightmare.
    I woke up in a deep sweat and a cramp in my calf that caused me to roll off the couch, writhed in pain. The short of the nightmare was the usual, a continuous chuckle and laughter about how little control of my emotions I had. Why I wouldn’t be listened to, for even a second.

    You are correct in everything you wrote above. Hope is a terrible thing; love is the worst thing.

    I had wanted to be a father for a long time and the reality of my life now and for the next 16 years is this:

    I get my child half-time because of two insidious reasons:

    I cannot provide continuous, constant, positive attention, regardless of how I am being treated and my needs and wants being utterly disregarded, and, not working, as it turns out is what was wanted all along—not to be confused with being a “stay at home mother,” which is arguably one of the hardest professions for a person, and one that I highly respect. But, and this is rhetorical, is it being a stay at home parent, when I am taking the child to daycare all day and then going to work, while the other is at home all day, surely not having 8 hours of homework to do. In retrospect I remember how my co-workers used to lay into me: “why is the baby not home with her?!?!”
    And I defended it…

    I could write for days and days, but I won’t.

    It’s just painful and sickening beyond all words that I get my child halftime for those two reasons.

    I was hated for trying to build a future; HATED for supporting her while I was told and made to believe she was in school to better herself, having got out of a terrible situation with her ex-husband.
    Shortly after school was finished, she told me: “my heart just isn’t in it to work.”

    What was I supposed to do with that…

    It’s a very bad poison and at this point I do think I have ingested too much.

    Kids come first and teamwork were my mantras.

    My sister thinks that as my child gets older that she will fade and not want to deal with the responsibility of this child coming into her own, developing an identity, and not necessarily being so readily a source of supply.

    And the worst part is…which makes my sisters brain hurt—-I would still give her a chance to come back, just because I want something that was never actually there in the first place…

  11. Kristen says:

    I was lucky that mine divorced me too. Nothing he had was ever good enough. He always had to have bigger and better things. At one point he was making $10 per hour and driving a brand new Mercedes. Even within months of buying it, he started talking about getting a new vehicle. He was obsessed with always putting on an appearance. I always worked 2 jobs, and took care of everything in the home. If I asked him to put dishes away or pick up after himself, I was treating him like a child for asking and he wasn’t a kid he would say. But then other times if I commented that he hadn’t unloaded the dishwasher in months, he’d say he didn’t know those things needed down.
    Another key thing I realized over time was the manipulation. I remember that I always had to take his vehicles to get oil changes because he wouldn’t. One time I finally stood my ground and told him no, and he told me that when the engine blew up it would be my fault. Everything always got turned around so that I gave in, or it was turned around so that it was my fault
    In my case I got really lucky because in his dreams of a grandiose lifestyle, he on a whim just decided he was going to go buy a house one day, and then he moved out. He purchased a home on his own that cost more than the one that we had purchased together. Lucky for me, he wanted all brand new things, and didn’t even try to get anything from my house.
    While he was out building his dreams, I didn’t hear from him a whole lot, only when he would drop our daughter off. Then all of a sudden one day I get a letter begging to come home and how he couldn’t wait to move mountains for me and all this other over the top b.s. I’m sure the cash flow dried up real fast. I told him no, and he was immediately dating someone new – someone young and naive and I can see how he is starting the cycle all over again. In only a couple months they are almost living together and he’s doing things for her that he only did for me in the beginning. He is still trying to have control over me by throwing her in my face every chance that he gets. It’s an emotional roller coaster and I’m desperately trying to let it go and move on, but I can’t get passed the incredible anger of wasting so many years on someone who constantly tried to control and manipulate me. When he cheated, it was my fault for not making him feel special. In fact, since the divorce, he has only paid 1 of 23 child support payments. It is now my fault he can’t pay because I took everything that he had, yet he was the one who left and left everything behind to get bigger and better.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get over this? I need to move on, yet find myself getting pulled back into the mind games…

  12. Donna says:

    I’m alone now. Or in narcissistic recovery. I sleep alone, I spend weekends alone. After suffering mind bending loneliness, I’m not lonely anymore. I am not convinced there are no good men out there. There are. I’m just not ready yet. I’m wiped and depleted. I do what you dream about. I write, I meditate and I do my art. I am not judged and I’m not torn apart by opinion. It is bliss. It is a pocket of peace and safety I am swimming in at the moment. The anti depressents have calmed my adrenaline and cortisol down. Narcissistic abuse had me deciding that I was not going to see 2016. That’s when I went to the doctor. No the ex never hit me but I’ll tell you this. One day I said I wish he would break my leg rather than inflict this emotional pain on me. At least I knew a leg mends in 6-8 weeks. This shit never seems to end when you’re with them. But don’t give up. It relents. The barbwire you think will never release you, loosens. You need to leave. Protect your finances and pack and leave while he’s at work.

    1. Brianna says:

      I just stumbled across this blog and your comment, Donna. I am truly thankful there are people out there, like you, that have survived. It gives me such hope when I thought I was hopeless.

  13. rita says:

    I skimmed over all of the comments because it is so painful for me to keep reliving the pain. I made it out physically but im still emotionally connected. We dont have children together because i miscarried when he berated me constantly for being pregnant. I have raised his children from another marriage and now that we are older he has blantantly emotionally left me for a younger girl. although he will never admit that is why he has no explanations for coming home all hours of the night. I have started the process of moving on but whenever he texts i answer and the hope that he could love me again returns. But… it is on the premise that he was once capable of love, which i know is false but i get sucked in. I am over 50 and was with him for 21 years, ridiculed for most of them, and a professional shocked about my gullibility. Yet… I yearn to be meaningful to a man my popi as i have called him forever. Has anyone heard about the inverted narcissist. Well i told my family therapst that i was afraid i was this diagnosis and she said no but dont quit your job under any circumstances. She understood that my husband was trying to control me completely. I moved out and have a nice place and he has visited it and called me a snob. I have threatend divorce and have a good attorney but i think i should wait the ten years of marriage for the financial benefit since i know he is going to battle about the money. i am just making ends meet, and my dreams for owning a home are almost killed. I have approximately two years to go before i reach ten years. I have not had sex with him for 3 months because i am afraid of catching HIV or Hep. I am afraid of our past unions; i still maintain good health but who knows. Its difficult and I just want all of you to know that i can relate and untill you fully move on you will still be haunted by this crazy cycle.

  14. Elinn says:

    Thank you so much for writing this, it is encouraging for me to see that I am not the only one fighting this fight. And yet so sad and shocking to see how many of us there are.
    I love the alone part with the cottage and books, I would also take my dog with me..oh how peaceful that would be.
    I never imagined myself wishing so much to be alone…and here I am. Not knowing anymore who I am… the only thing I know is that I wanna be alone… and recover from all that pain.

    I wish you a lot of strength and courage on your way to be a lion again.

  15. Kim McCulley says:

    Dear Finding Myself,

    our lives and thoughts are exactly the same, it’s incredible. Right down to the cottage and books and my grown children being my only intrest. I have told people over and over again, I will never be in another relationship again in my life.

    Just last night John started up again and when I ignored him, he called his friends and said horrible things about me. All I was doing cooking dinner after picking up after him, doing wash, dusting and mopping. He will drop things on the floor on purpose. He said since I don’t have a job, he would give me something to do.

    His friends disrespect me, not because anything I did, but what he says. I am always gracious to his company. I make desserts and coffee for them or pour drinks. But I have not done anything to deserve their rudness and John is always smiling because of it. I no longer do for them or make goodies to give them at Christmas.

    I am trying to find a job so I can get out of this miserable life, and it’s not easy. I hate my life and sometimes I fall into a miserable depression. I cry all the time and my mom and sister believe him they tell me “he loves you” and ask me to get help. My children don’t come here because of him.

    I hate my life!

    1. Kim McCulley says:

      PS, John has had many affairs as well.

  16. JustAGirl says:

    Did you end up leaving him? How did it go? Did you leave the house with your kids? I’m so scared and desperate. I love my husband but it’s never going to change. Everything you write, I am living. I’m crippled with fear about leaving though. Worried about a custody battle, a battle over the home, starting over, being alone, being wrong – what if I’m wrong and it IS me? and now I’ve gone a ruined things *again* and put my kids through divorce. I feel sick. Please reply back..I’d love to know if you got out and what you did and how it went. Thank you for sharing your life.

    1. Brianna says:

      Dear JustAGirl, You are me. I am you. We have the same life. What if it is me? And he does tell me things, and I just forget? What if I am unappreciative? What if I am being selfish? What if? What if? I know this reply is over a year later from your comment. I truly hope you are well.

  17. Summer says:

    Wow. I feel like I’m reading my own journal. I could have written this myself. Thank you for posting – it’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m finally free after 20 years. I’m loving being alone and rediscovering myself. I wish you and your children every happiness in your life of freedom!

  18. I can so relate to this. Before my marriage I was strong active and independent with friends. Now I cry easily, have no friends and haven’t seen my family in over a year. I stopped painting. Can hardly read a book. When he is home it’s all about the attention he needs. So because I work from home I don’t have no other connection to anyone else but him. We go to church but he wants to make sure I stay with him. Everyone at church just adores him and he shows this wonderful adoring husband who is devoted Christian. Once we get in the car. He makes fun of everyone gets frustrated easily and if I don’t answer right or act right then everything is my fault. He is all talk about what amazing things he wants to do for me and us. But he does nothing. I want to leave so badly but I know everyone will think of me as the bad person plus I have no where to go. I have no kids at home. My one daughter lives far away. I know this once strong woman is now suffering from depression and is in a deep pit of sadness but afraid to speak out because I don’t think anyone will believe me.

    1. rita says:

      I believe you, and other people important to your recovery and bright future will as well. It is best that your daughter is grown up and lives far away. You only have to think about yourself one day at a time and slowly begin saving and planning. You might consider moving closer to your daughter and if she lived in your home she knows her dad and his good and bad behavior. Christians in other areas will take you into their congregation if you decide to seperate from him and the area. . Most imortantly you need objective support. I would suggest going to a therapist and explain the abuse and depression you are feeling. I am also married to an emotionally, and a few times in our past, physically abusive narcissist. I shocked him when i left the same day he threatened to throw me out for the umpteenth time. I was prepared on this day after suffering for approx. 21 years. The last time he bruised me up i called the police, but still didnt press charges. However going to the precinct for the first time and having picures taken of my bruised arms shifted my attitude from one of depression and shame to one of a fighter. I spoke to an attorney that year and she suggested i prepare to leave. It took around two years later for me to prepare and now i live on my own in an aprtment i rented and furnished while still under our roof, however he wasnt aware. I bought a cute car while we still were together and he admitted being suspect about. When i finally left I now see my family when i choose, and work on following my dreams at my pace. I havent divorced him yet but i have a $4,000 retainer paid with the attorney just waiting for me to give the okay to begin.. Life is a struggle financially but i got my life back. As a side note, i still love the husband i dreamed him to be, but i constantly remind myself that he is not really in that dream. With all my love and blessings to you, I know you wll regain your love of life and freedom.

  19. Anon says:

    I didn’t realise I was married to a narcissist until someone pointed it out and since reading up on it has made me realise why I have found it so hard to leave even though I’ve wanted to for years. The latest incident is I received an anonymous message through Facebook telling me he was sleeping with a woman from his work, his iphone showed he was at her flat yet he’s still denying any relationship despite his phone bills showing otherwise! I always wondering why he would lie so much (he’d tell you the sky was green and the grass blue if he thought he could!) this blog is helping me so much and hopefully I’ll be leaving soon

  20. Zyda Trombley says:

    after 15 years, I was so broken down and felt so worthless that i was afraid to take my sons. i thought he could take better care of them than i could. now i have my freedom and can see how talented i am, but i have only seen my boys twice in 19 months. everything i read about this sort of thing makes me more hopeless. i tell myself that one day my children will come to me, that at least i am alive. it doesn’t help much. i hate to be alone at night, but i can not commit to any relationship. there is not much solace in knowing that so many others have been through this, not much hope in tales of survival. i wrote a poem and shared it. a cautionary tale. i wish i had read it 20 years ago. perhaps a few people will read it and understand. i hope so. who will help my sons?

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