Going Grey Rock
So for the past few months I’ve been in survival mode, placating him and trying to repair/ rebuild my life behind the scenes. I’ve been trying to live like everything is fine and great and wonderful. Not making waves, not fighting back, going along with his plans. Not even thinking about using the Grey Rock method at all.
But now I’m done with that. I’ve been reading more (I will get my reviews up this next week, I promise. I’ve read some awesome books you guys!) and I’m realizing how to get rid of a narcissist: be the most boring person EVER. Now at first it sounds easy, but mentally all this time I’ve been picturing grey rock and imagining a sad, fat, grey woman with flat hair and dead eyes and just blah. And I couldn’t do it. I have too much… I don’t know, spirit? Pride? Ugh, I can’t.
Never Lose Your Cool
But what I’ve been reading is that it goes deeper, it’s not about making yourself look like a Rock (yeah I know, but that’s the image I had in my head) it’s about being the absolute most boring person you could ever be to the narcissist. Like boring boring boring. It’s like oil floating on the surface of the water, moving with the waves, totally unperturbed, no strong reactions, just super chill. Respond to things he’s excited about with a “that’s nice”, don’t tell him funny or interesting things, don’t do anything interesting when he’s around, don’t watch anything interesting on tv, don’t read anything except your phone (thank God for the kindle app!!!). Don’t talk about your friends or family or the weather, just be polite and act like things are fine but be detached.
…Even During a Rage
And the reverse is true as well, if they’re ranting and raging at you, maintain your composure and DO NOT LET THEM KNOW THEY’RE AFFECTING YOU. This is probably the HARDEST part of the whole game. You have to build a strong wall and stay behind it. And doing that when all you want to do is cut them down and make them feel as bad as they SHOULD for acting like they do requires herculean amounts of self control.
Its helpful to remember Narcissists are mentally disturbed, most of what they’re saying is lies and posturing and they usually won’t follow through on any of the “threats” (Im going to leave you, you will be penniless, etc). Remember, you will NEVER get through to them with anything like logic, reason, or the truth, so you might as well forget it. Arguing with a narcissist only provides them more ammunition to use against you and works you up so you’re not thinking as clearly. They count on this, in fact. So don’t waste your breath and just keep silent.
A Narcissist knows your fears and will play off them. Its also likely that the more stoic you are the more angry they will get, so if they have a tendency for physical violence this is NOT the way to go. You probably will want to have an escape plan ready at a moments notice to remove yourself from the situation, at least until they simmer down.
Now this is WAY harder than I thought it would be, but it’s working already, two days in. He’s already ignoring me! Score. Although I expect an explosion any time, which will be much harder to keep my cool but I think I’ve detached enough to handle it without losing my composure.
Here are the Grey Rock Rules:
This one may seem obvious, but NEVER tell the Narc that you’re using Grey Rock. It kind of defeats your goal, and they will just view it as a challenge.
Limit all conversation initiated by you. Stick to the very basics of life and don’t engage them as much as possible. Never tell them anything personal, such as your concerns, feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and plans for the future.
When you are forced to talk, let them do most of the talking and offer only distracted and no-commital responses, like “thats nice” and “Hmmm”. Using something as a prop to distract will be helpful, such as your phone, housework, or a book. (Housework is also a great way to stay away from them when they’re home. They probably won’t bother you if you are “working”)
Don’t let them make you lose your cool. They will probably step up their game and try and make you react. This is going to be difficult, don’t fool yourself. But, eventually you can wear them down.
So, Grey Rock lasted a few days before he decided we needed to have a “talk”. He was actually very calm, which was un-nerving. And had this smug, “I’m better than you” attitude the entire time he was telling me how I was doing our relationship wrong and that I was never going to “get over” everything that happened in the past. (Like, no shit Sherlock, insert eye roll…). Apparently he thinks he’s super sneaky now and that I have no clue he’s most likely up to the same old shit he was doing before. Maybe not the same context, maybe not with the same people, but its the same.
He still is totally irresponsible about “grown up” stuff (like maintaining health and renters insurance), he still won’t take care of the basic stuff in the house (like getting the garage door fixed/taking care of the lawn, etc). He is still hyper critical of me and tells me I’m a freeloader and do nothing all day. He still chooses to spend most of his free time doing his own thing. He’s drinking too much. He’s spending money behind my back and then slacking off on the bills until the last possible minute (such as, the day the lights get turned off). He is still doing everything he can to isolate me and to keep me from working. He’s still lying about where he’s going (Ive caught him with the Apple Find My Phone app- which BTW if you’re on a family Apple ID you should be aware that they can track you with that. Instructions to turn it off HERE). And thats just some of the stuff I can think of off the top of my head. So yes, he thinks he has me fooled. And I guess thats fine.
My point is, this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. And I will be honest in that I’m not sure I can or should wait him out and try and make him get rid of me. I’m thinking its going to get to the point when I just have to do it, I’m too “useful” even while trying to be a total bore. And realistically, as long as my little isn’t in school yet, he NEEDS me because he doesn’t want to work more to support her preschool.
So I wouldn’t say I’m abandoning Grey Rock. It’s seriously easier some days just because I don’t want to deal with him and avoiding him works better. Some days I don’t feel like showering and doing my hair and makeup (okay most days, yes thats not a good sign and I should address my probable depression more seriously soon). So I guess my fear of becoming Grey Rock is more because I’m afraid it will actually become who I am.
I am still researching other options, like making him think I’m more messed up than he is (AKA lying about everything all the time for no reason despite the fact that the truth is blatantly obvious, which could be fun in a psycho kind of way) but I’m not sure yet so right now, I’m just being as bland and boring as I can be. And hoping he decides he’s tired of me soon. Or at least that when I leave he decides its no great loss….
Please share YOUR stories with Grey Rock in the comments below. There is not really a whole lot of information out there, any tips would be appreciated!! 🙂