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How Narcissists Destroy Your Perception of Reality

How Narcissists Destroy Your Perception of RealityI found this amazing video this morning and it totally opened my eyes to whats been going on with me lately. I mean, I totally see him Gaslighting me now, I doubt him instead of myself . I have made peace with the fact that sometimes I might be wrong, but I CHOOSE to believe myself over him. Period.

However, the damage has been done to a certain extent. I still obsessively check my phone for fear he has texted me and I might have missed it. I lie to avoid confrontation, I am easily overwhelmed by everyday decisions, and as far as moving forward with my life and becoming self sufficient, I am still battling his voice in my head telling me I cant make any money and I am lazy. I KNOW these are lies, I have made just as much money working from home as I did when I was working 6 days a week, just inconsistently. I am juggling the house, the kids, my work, and writing, and I get no time off from any of that because he is never here to help. (Though he has plenty of time for three hour workouts several times a week). But I am PARALYZED by the idea I will do things wrong and totally mess everything up. And the idea of starting over is just too much to wrap my head around, I believe my success to be a fluke, and not the result of my hard work but rather the result of blind luck. This is after I have come to the realization that this is going on!

And here is where I have the greatest problems in my life. He has successfully destroyed my trust in my own observation, perception, and intelligence. This is how Narcissists destroy your perception of reality, even small things, like Shark week, my knowing something he doesn’t is a huge problem for him and he spends hours trying to prove me wrong EVEN THOUGH science and facts back me up. Its insane.

So yes, like one of my readers, I too have found myself in a panic at the storehow narcissists damage your perception of reality because they were out of something he specifically wanted. I too, have chosen his wants over mine over and over again. I take less so he can take more. I save food for the kids and he ends up eating it and telling them he will buy them more (when I am the one who goes to the store AND he hardly provides any money for food in the first place).

These last few months have been a total struggle for me spiritually and emotionally. He senses me slipping out of his control and is doing all the right “things” to try and be a happy couple, which after watching this video I realize is just another form of Gaslighting, trying to make me think were all good when all I want to do is leave him because he sucks as a person and is a terrible partner in life, among a million other reasons. And for a minute, it was working, I was thinking to myself, if he could just STAY like this, I could maintain, I could survive and not climb this gigantic mountain in front of me. I could still see my girls every day, not have to be totally self reliant…. And then his mask slips and I realize I’m not living! This is not a life. He is a horrible person to be around because it is ALL ABOUT HIM. Who I am doesn’t matter to him at all, all I am in his little world is a puppet playing a role and God help me if I don’t act it out just right. That’s why Gaslighting is so horrible. That’s why Ive been struggling so much trying to get my feet under me in this current of lies I live in. I know in my head I’m smart and capable, but deep down, I doubt myself because he has discredited every single accomplishment I have made on my own for the last 13 years.

So now, I am just going to start praying for the wisdom to see the little seeds of doubt, the cracks in my subconscious where his lies have gotten in, and keep reminding myself of who I am and what I have already done. I have a lot to be proud of in my past, Ive done lots of pretty amazing things. Narcs don’t pick weak, shallow, needy, desperate people. They pick strong ones and make us THINK were weak so they can take credit for our accomplishments, or money from our hard work.  Its NOT me, its HIM!



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57 thoughts on “How Narcissists Destroy Your Perception of Reality

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    Good for you for seeing through his lies at last! I battled the exact same thing for 11.5 years. Thankfully there were no children involved, although he fucked up my son pretty badly before he made his escape 🙁

    I hope that you’re able to get some emotional distance now that you’ve seen behind his mask. I found it much easier to count down the days until I left once I figured out his particular pattern of abuse and was better able to keep a firm hold on my anger, enabling me to get out.

    Believe me when I say that you CAN get out and you CAN make a great life for you and your kids without him!

    1. elizabeth says:

      can you share the video? Thank you so much for your transparency.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        its posted at the bottom of my post, but heres the link in case its not showing up

        1. elizabeth says:

          Thank you, Samantha. I am going to pray for you. I am in the same situation and I know what it’s like to have moments of feeling empowered and have an “I can do this and I need to get out of here” but it is QUICKLY replaced with, “Maybe it’s not that bad. He’s actually being nicer right now.” But if I really look at the situation, like you said, I am not living. My feelings and needs are never validated. If I try to address an issue, it is twisted back to me always. The rules upon rules and the control that exists within the home, you can’t even wrap your mind around it. I know this. I know my thoughts on it are right. As you said, I know it’s him. I know he is the issue. We can do this, Samantha. We deserve to live a life of freedom… freedom to breathe healthy, life giving air.

  2. Meredith says:

    It breaks my heart that he’s still stringing you along. I know how it feels to see nothing but the mountain and darkness in front of you and to have his voice in your head telling you that you can’t do it on your own but please believe me when I say not only that you CAN do it but that you will feel so re-energized without him dragging you down like the great big rusty boat anchor that he is to you.

  3. slmpixie says:

    I stumbled across your blog today while reading about marriage to a narcissist. It’s taken me 12 years to realize how toxic my marriage is and when I finally made him listen to how unhappy I am and how I’m ready to leave, it was like he switched a light on and has been so sweet ever since (two days now). I’m pretty sure it’s all a con, part of his pattern to woo me back and keep me here. I’m determined not to fall for it. It’s going to take time to get everything ready to leave, and next time I don’t think I’ll warn him. Thank you for sharing you story. I see now that I’m not the only one who’s been sucked in by someone like him, and even though I know it’s him, not me, I still feel so foolish for not seeing the signs a long time ago. I’ll pray for you, that you’re able to leave and I’ll pray for your kids. They are so blessed to have such a strong mom. I hope I can be as strong for mine!

    1. Mary says:

      My ex played that game with me for years. It is a con. They do it so you won’t leave. Don’t believe him. They all revert back and the cycle continues. Get out. You can do it. You are stronger then you think. Once you break the chain of his dead weight, you will feel at peace.

  4. Lisa says:

    Could use some help, please.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Hi Lisa, how are you?

  5. mswain says:

    so sad and so sad I’m not the only one… 5 long years and I’m praying for a way out.. no one should live this way

  6. Mary says:

    There are many of us out there that have survived these minions of satan. I too was in the same kind of relationship for 19 years . I was fooled too. I got out a year ago. Yes it was frightening. That’s what they want you to believe. It was the best thing that I ever did. We still communicate because we have two children , but I keep it to a minimum. I am so much better then I have ever been before. He still says negative things to me. “I’m bitter”, “I’m sad”‘ “I’m unhappy”. But none of that is true. When ever they say things like that, they are really describing themselves. He is all those things. They will never be happy. They are dead inside.

    1. Hala says:

      Hi Mary,

      How did you deal with the children? My only fear is my children and losing them. The only reason I haven’t left yet is them. And how do I break or stop all contact with him if children are involved.

    2. Bianca says:

      hey Mary
      How does he treat your kids, doesn’t he poison them against you?
      I’m terrified if i have to leave that’s whats going to happen.

  7. Mary Ann D'Alto says:

    I know of a novel on this exact subject, and I wrote it! “He Counts Their Tears” by Mary Ann D’Alto (me!) is the story of Dr Aaron Stein, a charming man who works his way through a series of relationships , all for the evil pleasure of power and control. The book (in the form of s novel) speaks to the cycle these men use to psychologically destroy good women for the thrill of absolute power. The book is available on Amaxon.com and Goodreads. My site hecountstheirtears.com goes up in mid October. Please visit the site. You have my respect. I round be honored if you would read my book (you can see the first 30 pages on Goodreads).

  8. Rebecca says:

    I just found your blog from various searches and Pinterest. I am just getting on the “gone” side of leaving a two year long relationship with a narcissist. He has even admitted to me that he knows there is something wrong with him – probably just another part of his gaslighting attempts at the tail end there, when sudden perceived “transparency” on his part was supposed to be the thing that would keep me looped in. It is SO hard to admit all these things to yourself, but I just want to thank you. Your blog makes me feel less alone and way stronger as I move forward and get back to normal life. Best wishes to you, you deserve better.

    1. Wonderful says:

      Living in this hell for 17 years… just never knew it had a name. Sadly it’s too late for me. I simply am too weak and depressed to fight for myself. Health is poor and I look forward to the day God calls me home

      1. Missy says:

        I hoped for death as well as I saw no way out. After 11 years of marriage to a emotionally and mentally abusive narc (and 3 kids. I gave up all hope and became a zombie. Guess what? It was either life or give up. I got out. I did it. I feel good! Just do it. You have nothing to lose.

    2. Shannon says:

      Caution, don’t fall for the I know there’s something wrong with me. I need help. It’s a delay tactic.

  9. I too just happened to stumble across your blog while doing research on my soon to be ex husband. I know you have to hear this constantly, but the parallels are amazing. The only difference is, we didn’t have children (Thank goodness). My Narc and I dated for 14 years (on & off) before he proposed and we got married. We have been married 3 years June 30th. I thought he was my high school sweetheart and I couldn’t have been more wrong. I broke up with him several times in high school due to his temperament. Don’t get me wrong, he never laid a hand on me, at the time I just felt he was just over passionate about issues and dealing with people that were “below his station” in life. As a teenager I didn’t have a clue about narcissism and what it is. His dad passed away unexpectedly and we reconnected. Within 4 months we were engaged and within 7 more months we got married. I’ve learned since that every job he’s ever had (he’s a police officer) he’s had issues with his superiors. You know, I just thought he was a “right fighter” and as a cop the bosses didn’t like that. He keeps a job for an average of 3 years (just as long as our marriage). We were living in a home with no air conditioning and I couldn’t bathe there due to the water quality, he didn’t want me to work, but when I didn’t end up pregnant after the first year, he wanted me to go to school, so I decided I would go to physical therapy school. Well, when I told him what my plans were he says “Oh that’s great! When you get out of school I can retire and you can work.” Keep in mind we are both in our early 30’s … retirement? So I squashed that idea, well he quit giving me money for groceries, he’d make stops on the way to work and home from work to get something to eat, never asked if I wanted anything. So I made the excuse to stay at my mom’s due to the air and water issues. He got a window unit air conditioner for the master bedroom, but the rest of the house was left 95+ degrees (Arkansas summers). He worked midnight shift so during the day I would be left to swelter in the heat. I started staying with my mom Friday and going home on Monday with snack foods and drinks that my mother bought for me over the weekend. I had to start hiding food because he would eat it up and I would be left with nothing. Oh my gosh I just realized how long this was! I hate to stop in the middle of this story, but feel free to email me anytime! I really didn’t mean to write a book, but it seems that being with a narcissist you have to be detailed, and every little detail leads to a much larger one. Just things I’m learning ….

    1. Shannon says:

      You can’t help but write a book. The control and abuse is non stop. They affect everything in your life. They attack your physical appearance, your personality, sense of humour, intelligence, friends, family, coworkers, sanity, your driving, cooking, identity, any skill that you have. The good ones use terms like: not bad, whatever, you’re obviously confused, it goes on and on.

  10. J.R. Salers says:

    My dear sweet sisters who are walking a path I walked for 11 years and 5 children….don’t leave. Boot his ass and get a good lawyer. I know that sounds insurmountable at times, but in the end, you and your children should not have to leave the family home. Get a lawyer. A good one will even make your soon to be ex foot part of the bill if your incomes are grossly different. You’ve been a victim long enough, time to adjust that tiara and become the queen again.

  11. Kasey says:

    Your words fill my eyes up with tears because they sound as if they are being pulledx straight out of my own soul. I was 17 when I met the “man” who did this to me. He was my first love, my first everything. He was 20 and had a daughter whose mother had abandoned her for drugs. I raised her as my own and loved her so much. At first it was great, and then i started feeling trapped. His words got more hurtful, he expected me to do nothing but work and watch Maddy while he refused to even get a job. We got an apartment and it just got so mich worse. I was tortured emotionally for three years. I was taught to believe I was nothing and even though I was and I AM so smart, I was taught I would be nothing but a restraunt worker. I lost my full ride to college because I was yelled at every time I left him with his own daughter. He stole and burned everything I had. He will not let me see my daughte . And he is so strung out on pain pills that he spends about $200 a day with money he stole and said his friends stole it. I wanted to kill myself. If it were not for my best friend driving 8 hours from Nashville to help me get out I would not be here today. I was ready to die at 20 years old because of the torture he put me through every day of my life. Thank you for making this page. I am so glad that I am not alone.

    1. Kasey says:

      It has only been 4 months since I left and even though I don’t miss him at all, I am still left with the pain of how someone could do this to me after all that I did for them. The flashbacks keep me up at night and I am having a hard time putting myself back together. It is hard for me to come out of my shell to anyone and that makes it hard to make friends. Even though I am much better off I still feel so alone and sometimes I wonder if I will ever go back to normal. I there is any advice on how to overcome this, please help me out.

      1. Samantha Matthews says:

        Yeah, I know how that is. I too tend to isolate myself, especially under times of stress. Its not good to be alone all the time though. I have been fortunate to find I do have true friends in the mess thats been made of my life. I would say its good to have a goal, something just for you. It doesn’t have to be big, just something you always wanted to do that you have never done. Could be as simple as going to the Art Museum or taking a short trip nearby. Start making plans and living your life. And also, start envisioning your life with friends you trust. Where will you find them? What will your life look like when you find them? What do you want to do with them? And then start living your life like that, doing the things you think you might want to do with friends and see who you run into! Its not such a big scary world, don’t let it intimidate you. And tell yourself too, its ok to be alone.

        1. Jessica says:

          I’ve read your entire blog. I’ve showed my family because it’s exactly what I went through and still going through. I swear it looks like I wrote it. I finally left 7 months ago and it is the BEST decision I could have made. It’s been hell trying to finalize our divorce, but it’s better than the absolute horror hell of being married to him.
          Please post more! I’d love to see how you and your girls are coming along.
          This has inspired me to try and start my own Blog!
          Thank you for sharing!

    2. Bianca says:

      Kasey, you put it much better than me, Paul my other halve does exactly that, he just doesn’t steal he borrows from his dad who is on pension, he pawns his things and i have to pay so much to get his things back,because if i don’t i’m the worst and i don’t care about him, its as if they are pushing us down so deep only the hand with the wallet sticks out? Not even to mention all the other shit?
      If you feel like talking we can chat, i have been alone too and isolate myself from the world, but its time to stand up.

      You are in my Prayers Kasey!

  12. Kelly says:

    I lived with “This man” for 36 years… You are COMPLETELY RIGHT!
    Ladies don’t let it happen to you! Control, Blaming, Warping My Reality wore mr down and I believed “I” was the sick one… GET OUT…I FINALLY DID!

  13. Elise says:

    My heart broke, I broke, looking in my little boy’s sad eyes when he begged me: Mom let’s go away I don’t want this anymore!
    I still thank him for saving our life!

  14. H says:

    Please come back! I saw your most recent post but you must have deleted it. I’ve been following you the last couple months. Please know you are such an inspiration to so many of us in similar situations. I love reading your posts because they make me feel not so alone in this. I relate so so much to you. I hope all is well with you and that you’ll be back soon. Xoxo

  15. Kim McCulley says:

    I am excited and happy I fell upon your pin. My husband has put me through hell for years. I cry all the time and I’m depressed as all get out. I use to have things and their gone. He gets me nothing anymore be it Christmas, a birthday or anniversary. He talks sweet to other women but not me. I have asked God to take me because I have felt worthless.

    I am having a hard time getting a job. I’m 56 now and have nowhere to go. Hearing your message and knowing that others have this problem has been an awakening. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

    God bless,

    1. Kim McCulley says:

      I don’t want anyone to think I’m glad they went through what they did. I’m just happy I finally figured out what I’m going through, and it was because all of you shared your stories.

  16. Micale says:

    I recently found the strength to exit myself from a relationship just like this and I am so thankful that I did it. After the initial sadness of the break up, I never felt so much relief in my entire life. I felt like I could smile again and truly be happy even though I was alone. I breathed a big sigh of relief. Thank you for sharing this. It has been almost 3 months but severing the ties has been difficult because we both work at the same place. I have not unfriended on FB yet but will soon cut off ALL means of communication to sever the ties completely. Thank you again and I wish you all the best.

  17. Karen says:

    Wow. I’m just blown away. You nailed it. It’s about 39 years too late for me but, I’m not dead yet! I’m learning to put one foot in front of the other again. So far he’s managed to postpone the divorce for almost three years. At least he’s out of the house and only contacts me re:money he leaves in the bbq. God go with you and keep you motivated to help us. You are such a welcomed breath of fresh air! Thank you! Thank you! Karen

  18. Carol says:

    I have just tuned into your post, and feel compelled to respond.
    I wish you strength
    I wish for you clarity
    I wish for you loving kindness for yourself.
    I wish for you courage.
    I wish for you your freedom.
    I wish for you a wonderful life for yourself and your child.
    I wish for you a new beginning.
    In peace and love, X Carol

  19. Shannon says:

    I did this for 25 years, married for 22. I’ve been out for four now. Still not divorced. He just wants this over with so he can move on with his life, but he keeps dragging it on.
    Get some counselling., I was earning my master’s. My ex’s company suddenly was in trouble and I had to stop my studies to help him out. There was a lot of gas lighting and emotional abuse that occured after this. I was six months from completion and it took me another four years. I had fallen into a serious depression. I wouldn’t leave the house, I stopped taking care of my self and considered self harm. It was my thesis supervisor who urged me to get help. Remember a person with opportunities and choices is not as easily controlled.
    To all of you, please, please heed my advice. Tell someone you trust, who will believe you. Once the wiser they see the manipulation, it becomes very clear. When that person stops worshipping them, the narcissist will expose themselves, bam, you got a witness. Write everything down, EVERYTHING be specific, gather as much evidence as possible. Keep all receipts, texts, emails. Even if it seems unimportant, because when they lie, you’ve got them. Give them all the rope they need to hang themselves.
    If possibile break off all contact. If you have kids, contact by text or email only. Don’t ever send an email or text in anger, don’t give them the ammunition. Be honest, civil, and straight forward. Don’t give him the crazy person he wants everyone to see. Try to be the adult. Call out their bad behaviour in texts in a proactive way. ie, my ex was calling my daughters at the last minute to do things. He was telling them it was because he was busy working so hard. Fact, he was squeezing them into his social schedule. He was calling them when he had nothing else to do. He started accusing me of not letting him see his kids. Send texts like, Could you please try to give me at least 24 hours notice if you want to have the kids. I didn’t mind them going out with your last night (I know you’re very busy) but I had already prepared a roast and they don’t keep well in the fridge. I can’t afford to throw out food and I would prefer not to give them left overs. Thanks. He had a habit of calling my youngest at 9:00 to go for coffee. My reply, I know you’ve been busy but (child’s name) has to be home by 10:00 on a school night. She’s been having difficulty getting up in the morning and her teacher has told me she is starting to fall behind in class. (Child’s name) is been getting very anxious and it is worse when she is tired. Weekends and holidays are fine, It’s just school nights that are an issue. Thanks.
    I felt very alone for a long time. That is the narcissists goal. It’s how they control us. I learned a lot in the past five years. The most important. Love yourself.

  20. Lost says:

    Im currently going through the worlds longest divorce it seems and my lawyer called him a sociopath. I never really noticed until she said it and then it all made sense to me. The constant lying, sneaking around, getting fired from job after job. Me keeping my mouth shut just to avoid the argument (that would somehow turn into my fault). Some days I think it would just be easier to drop it and take him back just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional trauma I feel like I’m putting myself and my child through. I don’t know how you find the strength to get through this because honestly I feel so alone and frightened by leaving.

  21. Bianca says:

    Good evening, i just sat here reading this article and my mind flipped, i have been trying for four years now to leave my nark, but believe me its not possible, we have incredible days and then there are the days i get shouted at and shoes thrown in my face, blue marks as he loses his temper and pushes me down, and that’s not the worse that has happened, i have three kids with him, and the best dad in the world, but as soon as the mask goes; we all the worst and we are making his life miserable and hes going to leave?(Thank God)…..but it never happens?

    The funny thing is what you said, they love strong and confident woman to break down and manipulate you so that you dance to his fiddle.
    I’m the main bread winner in our household as i’m the only one with a qualification, he doesn’t even have standard6, i mean my goodness, he jumps from job to job and sometimes without a job for months at end and he loves it, earning next to nothing, come end of the month, why did you get so little, how are we going to survive and he has the flippen cheek to tell me “now he has to make a plan?” He makes debt and the end of the day i sit with the brunt?

    Its the worst poison you can imagine having in your life and i’m scared if we separate hes going to poison my kids minds with his Narcissists bullshit!I cant think how i will forgive myself if i had to leave them to his BS, so i decided to stay for the sake of my kids sanity, at least i have some kind of control of what he feeds them in? They are still so small (2, 3, 6) they are little sponges and i promise you he told me how he will get them to know what kind of bad mother i am and how i want to rip them away from him?

    I honestly don’t know what to do……?

    This is the tip of the iceberg and only a few things mentioned, there have been worse and its never ending, im going to see if i can control his outbursts with your tips, thank you so so much, this is the best site for support and i pray to God that we all can find a better life?

    Kind regards

  22. Fatally yours says:

    Thankyou for sharing your experiences on your blog. Having something like this to read makes me feel less insane as i cant really talk to anyone about whats going on with me.
    I feel like a complete fool to not get shot, but i just cant. Once over i could say i was picking my heart over my head but now i cant even say that because i know in my heart and my head its wrong.

  23. jean says:

    Almost free from this situation myself. I’ve had to be two people just like the above article mentions, hiding myself and my life from him. Sometimes I feel like an automaton at home, just playing along until my time comes to escape. He knows I’m not happy, so he’s been playing the perfect husband. He’s so good at it, sometimes I’m tempted to believe that I’m the one with the problem, but then,I take a step back, remember all the abuse, not just me, but, my daughter’s emotions too. And right on cue, his true nature is again revealed, reminding me why I can’t live this way. I will make it through this. He will not dampen my light. To the rest of you: keep the faith, make a plan, and carry it out.

  24. amy says:

    My father is a narc my mother is going through the same thing as you, I don’t understand why you stay with him though. My mom doesn’t love my dad, he’s been abusive physically a little but mostly mentally. Im sixteen, once I turn eighteen I’m enlisting in the military and destroying every memory of my life that he protruded into, I just wish I hadn’t had so many memories with him in it. I hate the fact that I’m related to him and I know I’ll have to seek counceling at some point. All I know is that I would’ve been happier growing up dirt poor living out of a homeless shelter than with what little my dad provided. My mom said she stayed for us, makes zero sense, if I had children and was in an abusive relationship with a narc I would leave FOR the sake of my children, it feels like she’s blaming us.

    1. amy (still me) says:

      My mom is married to an acoholic abusive personality, my granfather is married to an extremely mentally abusive figure, my great grand mother was beaten to near death before she left her abusive personality, and I think if I looked further back in our geneology id find more. I guess it runs in the family, which is why its mandetory I seek counceling at some point.

    2. Mary says:

      Cut your mother some slack. It’s very hard to leave a narcissist. They make it that way. I too was married to one with two children… Wanted to leave many times… He would talk me out of it, he would bring up how tough it would be on the children . Made me feel guility. Finally one day I had enough. I almost committed suicide because of him. That was when I realized my children were more important then my marriage. I left him and took my 10 year old son and 15 year old daughter with me. I understand your predicament… My daughter and her father have a terrible relationship. He is a complete A-hole to her. My advice to you… Get some counseling..it helps and don’t blame your mom . The devil( the narcissist) had his claws in her .

  25. Kat says:

    Wow I feel like I’m reading about myself 2 years ago!!!

  26. Mary says:

    It’s strange how they all act the same way
    . I called them Satan’s minions.

  27. Ann says:

    If we can tell this is happening to us and analyze it and are aware of it why do we stay?!!

  28. Hope says:

    Jaime, you dealt with mental, psychological, & emotional abuse, along with Brainwashing, and YOU (SURVIVED).I won’t tell my story he because this is not a Closed or Private site. But, not everyone has been so lucky. Starting over alone, is nothing like enduring Abuse every minute, and living in terror. He is never going to change, so you HAVE TO. There is NO OTHER CHOICE GIVEN. I WISH THERE WERE.

    Pease get into counseling by a person who knows the Trauma of Narc Abuse. I know a part of you is still in Denial. That is Ok. But, the lies, if you are Christian, picture them from being from the Devil.
    “This man does not love you.
    If he says he does he is Lying.
    Abuse is Never Love. Anytime u have a good thought, put a rubber band on your wrist and say, ” But he abused me.”
    Wish I could share more, but need to guard my privacy.

    Do you want your kids growing up seeing their mom abused, and living in fear, walking on eggshells around him?

    I know you don’t, the longer you stay the harder it will be. He will get worse to you, the Soulmate is no longer part of his act.

    You deserve LOVE, even if you have to be alone & give it to yourself for a time.
    At least you will be able to say, “But, my kids and I are SAFE.

    I will pray for your STRENGTH. You are Stronger than you know. You said that yourself right?

  29. Jennifer Edwards says:

    When I found your post, all I kept saying was oh my god, over and over again as I read more and more. It will be 7 years tomorrow since we have been together. I told him a week ago that I’m leaving, and the punishment started that night. He called his mom and told her not associate with me since I’m leaving, accused me of leaving him for someone else, bashed me over and over and over. The next day he apologized and brought me a bouquet of flowers when he got home. He is EXTREMELY sweet, nice and affectionate to a creepy point, because that is not him! He texts me every morning to tell me he loves me, wants to cuddle at night, blah blah blah. The guilt trips are unbelievable to say the least. Yet, through all of the I love you’s, insults and guilt trips, I keep on packing, terrified yes, but still moving forward. I realized I completely forgot who I am, what I like, don’t like (lectures are given about why I shouldn’t like or dislike everything) and as the “sweet punishment” is drilled at me, and I feel weak and so low, scared because I catch myself holding back as I know the more I move forward the worse the punishment is going to be, and his ” holding back” will break into full out anger. Each time I take more control over me away from him, he lets down his wall of sweetness and hell shows up with rage. I put everything into plan last June. I have come so far, step by step, and I can’t back down now. I knew once I got to this stage, there was going to be hell to pay, and the punishment is going to get worse and worse. But if I back down now, I will have failed, and I can’t fail! Thank you so much for sharing your story! It has given me so much insight on what I am truly dealing with and knowing I am not alone in this, that I’m not crazy, it’s not me, and that there is hope has helped me to keep moving in the right direction.

  30. Darcy Justen says:

    Oh my this has been shocking….my husband is “This Guy” Mr charm and has snowed me for years…until I found him coming onto several women and having an affair with another. When I ripped his pants down he blamed it all on me. I wasn’t making him feel safe enough and I wasn’t nice enough to him. OMG I still cant believe Im in this mess… he even had the counselor convinced it was me? meanwhile I was left empty for years wondering what the he… I did wrong. I even used wine as pain meds for this lost and hopeless marriage. Well you guessed it Im to blame for all our problems because I drank wine. So I stopped all drinking but he will find something else Im sure. How do I get help? He he wont get help am I doomed?

    1. Hala says:

      Darcy, you are right. It will always be something and it will always be your fault. Unfortunately, it take YEARS of therapy if there’s ever a chance of “fixing” these men and chances of them agreeing to this are almost zero. I hope you find your strength and power again.

  31. Don says:

    This was awesome! It was on point and to the point! It contained very well explained information on a subject that so many people deal with without even knowing about it! I think the only thing that was missing was info on the gaslighter’s public image. [S/he] will strive to maintain a spotless public image so that when the abusee finally speaks out people are less inclined to belive that person because the abuser is “such a good person”. This is known as “crazymaking behavior” and goes right along with gaslighting.

  32. Louise says:

    Cryin at this and now after watching this video i know the right term and y im trying to run away from depression and suicide. Always people pleasing and i still feel unworthy. The gaslighting and lighters are making me think different of my friends and making me doubt there trust and friendship and being manipulated by them. Its made me a few times cut myself offfrom everyone. But as always the friends and gaslighters keep getting me back. So in a reality. Iv only been able to runaway for 3 days.

  33. Jackie says:

    I feel like he tries to make me think I’m crazy and I am reading what has lighting is and it’s exactly what he does. I am so happy I found this site to give me some clarity

  34. S says:

    Hi ! You should change the black background, it’s very tiring with the white font. There were signs of me being a narcissist and different patterns. The thing is I’m aware of them and I don’t know if that makes me a narcissist. I’m going to go to a psychologist and take some tests, so I can be at ease. For seeing these patterns in my behaviour, I gave up a relationship, because it seemed to me that I manipulated the person next to me, and now I’m totally disgusted by the way this person insists in calling and texting me. I’d be really thankful if I’d find someone to enlighten me. I fear every relationship I’ll have will end for the same reasons.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      PLEASE NOTE: This page does attract Narcissists, both those who are aware and those who are not. I do get MANY comments such as these, criticizing my blog for various reasons and also accusing me of being a narcissist myself. This is part of what makes our situation so difficult, people do not have a clear enough understanding of the disorder and what it is like living with a person who has Narcissism. The way this question/ statement is formatted is also very typical of a narcissism, IMO. First, criticism, what Im doing wrong, and then very light admission that I may be doing something right, tempered by denial of serious responsibility. Commenters emphasis mine.

      READER, thank you for your comment. I agree the black was too much and I am much happier with my new design. There is not “cure” for narcissism, however, a therapist who is knowledgeable may be able to help you learn how to see the world from a partners perspective, and possibly address the root causes of your disorder. The giant red flag is lack of empathy, and it is also the main influence in destroying relationships. Thank you for your input, and good luck to you.

      1. Nathalie says:

        Ioma-as i read all the comments i cried heavily-especially the women who had children with some of these monsters. I hav been in a relationship with someone for the past 4 yrs who displays many of the same behaviors yu all mention -controlling wants to know your every move, and if you move without him knowing its a fight,,everything is a fight. I am far more educated than he is so he feels less than n tries to match himself with me. Mind u he doesnt even hav a GED N i am a graduate student with state licenses in the HC industry.
        my situation is a little different – we had no kids together but we had kids with other people. We did not live together but he always wantwd open access to my jome which i denied for a ling time because i have teenage children. I noticed a few things when we first started like he would follow me around in his car If we had an argument, he would stalk me by phone, because he didnt want me to talk to anyone else, try to control who my friends n family that i see and share things with and wanted to talk on the phone all day long even while i was working. I had to be strong on my position and when i did he would get mad, curse at me hang up and after being rude he would apologize and say oh that was not him and i had to tell him i believe that was not him. . I did to Make peace. But in rhe back of my mind i knew something was OFF. My last straw came when 1 day he called and i missed his call and the second time he called i answered and he just went off cursing n yelling i hung up my phone on him and he left me 10 dirty nasty messages. I hav not answered any of his calls, emails, text or messages since its been 3 weeks and i get at least 5-6 mesages per day. Begging like a little baby for me to come back to him. I jus dont answer and i never will. He will eventually move on to someone else. I hope. He knows i will call the police if comes to my home. Thank u ALL for sharing yur stories. I feel better knowing i can share these stories with u all.

  35. Silly Rabbit says:

    This video has me in shock. I’ve been married to a “gaslighter/narcissist” for over 30 years. We are separated now and every single day is a nightmare because I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m convinced that I failed him, failed our family, and that I’ve failed at life. I’d say that I’m numb, but that cannot be possible because my heart hurts so much. Could it be possible that by being, “passive”, I’ve allowed myself to believe that I deserve the abuse and that I’ve been conditioned to respond in a manner that doesn’t reflect how I truly feel, but how I’ve been “taught” to feel? PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO if you suspect that your are being mentally abused! PLEASE!!!!!!! While watching, I felt as though she were scanning my brain. Maybe I’m not crazy; maybe I’ve just been led to believe that is so. God help us to be strong and discover ourselves again.

  36. Lisa says:

    I am married to my 2nd narcissistic husband. Like you I am an empath. We are like magnants. You have really opened my eyes. I was wondering if it was me who was the narcissist. I don’t even know myself anymore. His behavior brings out ugly in me. I used to be kind and could never even imagine hurting someone’s feelings. Now I find myself screaming ugly things at him. I have turned into him. Ithen there are those times when he is the man I imagined him to be and I doubt myself. I have chosen to file for divorce in the new year. However, this is my house, how do I get him to leave? You have come a long way, may your journey be adventurouse!

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