I ended a day that should have been a good one crying on the floor in my bathroom in despair. I know, I’m probably not the only one whose had a day like mine. A day where nothing much seemed to go wrong, but nothing was right either. And after a few too many glasses of wine and a totally eye opening video of what how fat you have really gotten, well, the effects of the life your living come crashing down and there is nothing left but your pain.
I thought I was doing OK, really. Maybe drinking more than I should, but stress, right? And I was aware, so its not like I was turning into an alcoholic. Lets overlook the fact that I can/could drink more than an entire bottle of wine and still walk and talk just fine. I have Irish blood, high tolerance. I might wake up in the morning with my back sore, but that’s just my bed, my hands might be stiff, but that’s just… what?
Psoriasiatic Arthritis. Goddamnit. I’m sorry, its really killing me to admit it. Because I really haven’t admitted it until now. I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor, because I haven’t GONE to one, but I have all the symptoms, I have psoriasis (since childhood) and I hurt, everywhere. It explanes all the weird aches and pains I have been having, the chest pains that aren’t a heart attack, the shoulder pain that wont quit, the fact that my feet and back hurt so bad in the morning I can hardly walk and that some days my hands hurt too much to wear my rings. I’m not just fat, I’m broken. And I am afraid to tell him because I know he will just dismiss my pain or blame it on my weight, which isn’t totally wrong, but my weight is caused by my condition and my condition is caused by my weight and he will only see that second part.
I am crushed. I know there are things I can do to feel better before starting on drugs (chemo drugs, or drugs whose side effects are sudden death, I’ll wake up sore Thankyouverymuch) but dealing with this makes life seem so short and so lonely. I see other couples and I’m sure they have issues, but just feel like they’re nothing compared to what I’m dealing with. Like seriously, who is scared/reluctant to tell their spouse they have a chronic condition (that runs in their family) because they wont be believed? I’m so jealous, I can’t even tell you.
I’m just, beyond tired. Like, tired is part of this physical thing, but my soul, I can’t even. I want, so much, to be hope for you all. I WANT to tell you there is a way to be OK. To survive this and manage and maybe even thrive. But I AM NOT OK. I feel like this is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have done the hardest Tough Mudder. Fuck that, its child’s play compared to this. I avoid talking to you, talking to GOD, because I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to FEEL how bad I feel. I want to pretend that its OK, because I’m choosing this, this horrible path is my choice. And that makes me insane I think. Just to see my kids every day and give them some kind of stability. Just to try and trust that God has a plan in all this and can make this horrible life worth it and beautiful, just to protect as much as I can what I have built in my daughters, requires super human strength. And I don’t have it.
I cry, deep sobbing cries, when I have time to. I cry silent single tears when I cant keep them at bay. I have cracks in my wall where God has gotten in and those places are at peace, even though it hurts. And even though I cant let him in any deeper, for fear I will totally fall apart. I can’t fall apart, because I am the only thing holding this all together, and OMG the pressure!… I’m not enough and never will be. I still have my self worth tied up in him somehow. I still feel like crap when he ignores me. And he still tries to put on the show on social media, his wife is amazing, yada yada yada, but in real life? Well, I’m never going to really be enough. The bruise of that fact is killing me, all the time. And somehow I have to stop letting that destroy me, take my self worth back from him, and give it back to myself and God, only then will I start feeling better, getting well, and losing the weight. Until then…. I’ll cry to God in the bathroom alone, and keep looking for the answer.
TWO DAYS LATER:
I feel I need to do a little follow up, mostly ‘cuz I haven’t really spilled my guts like that here before and hell, I’m a little embarrassed. I’m not a baby, I’m a tougher than that. But you know what, sometimes it fucking hurts. Sometimes the loss of the dream of what my life would be just kills me. This is not even close to what I thought I would be by now. This life doesn’t fit my heart and it sucks sometimes. I am still that wide eyed kid inside thinking you should always tell the truth, that people are mostly good, and bad things don’t happen to good girls like me. On the one hand, Man, do I know better now. On the other hand, well, I’m still me deep down, so Thank God for that.
Yeah, I realize after ripping my soul open that there’s a lot left in me I haven’t let live. I have accepted a small life, a small role for myself. I have clung so HARD to my ideal of marriage and life and motherhood, that in a lot of ways I haven’t adapted and let myself thrive in adversarial conditions, though I know I’m fully capable. Crazily, I believe myself to be one of a group of incredibly strong women in my life. Honestly, I’m surrounded by incredibly strong women who support me and my efforts to create stability for my girls.
And you know what, he’s not a horrible father. He’s kinda stupid about girls, and he’s not nearly as protective (wearing a helmet on her bike, more freedom than I agree with) as I would like him to be. He hides the crazy from them pretty well most of the time, and Ill take that as long as I can. Ill step in when its necessary, because I’m NOT afraid, not anymore. The changes in me (and him, Ill give him credit for trying) over these last 10 months are dramatic and I’m so thankful for everything Ive gone though.
I’m not fine, and you know what, I don’t know that anyone really is. We all have horrible pain over something, we’ve all had our taste of hell one way or another. Maybe I let mine hide out too much and when it pops out I just cant handle it. I don’t know. I do know that I need to deal with myself. There are things I have to face in myself that have nothing to do with him. I have to accept my own identity, and not keep withing for life as half of a pair, I’m never going to have that, and that’s OK. At this point, I wouldn’t want it if it showed up with an ironclad guarantee. I hide from my potential, and I need to stop. I can be amazingly great and successful totally under the radar, no one would ever know, and even still, I hide from it. I have to stop that.
Anyway, I’ll be OK, enough OK anyway to not spend every night drinking wine and sobbing alone. Thank you for listening to my pain and sending me your love, I feel it! And even though I’m going to disagree with some of your advice, I totally accept and appreciate the spirit its been given in. Thanks for rooting for me you guys.
All my Love!