Home » domestic abuse » I’m a Hypocrite (and So Are You)


responsibleI am going to confess something, something I actually just realized, sadly. Something that struck me as I was bouncing around on Pinterest this morning and reflecting on recent arguments with the Narc.

I am a hypocrite, and its destroying my life.

The Number One thing I get mad at him for is his instance the I am responsible for how he feels, not only that, but that however he is feeling is 100% the truth (in his mind). That is crazy, right? Any modern psychologist will tell you that no, only children act like that. You ALONE are responsible for your feelings and responses and not everything you feel is true. Sometimes our perception is blurred and we don’t see things as they really are.

Guess What? That is exactly what I do. I blame him, though it is arguably his fault, that I have become so small. I am tired and broken and beat up. But I am LETTING that be my story. I allow him to make me feel small and helpless. I have allowed him to make me doubt and forget what I am truly capable of. I allow him to isolate me because the fight (and the constant reminders for months) isn’t “worth it”. Yes, he is a monster, but what is wrong with me that I ALLOW this? That I BELIEVE this garbage he tries to make my truth?

And maybe I don’t believe it consciously, but deep down, isn’t that how I’m acting?


And so is he.

As an INFJ, that is SUPER hard to deal with because I absorb everything! Everything in my house, everything from my kids, and everything from him, and let me tell you, what I get from him is scary. Like I am not psychic, or any of that, but the empty pull of darkness I feel around him is horrible. Its like a tar I cant escape.

And it comes down to boundaries, and where I draw my strength. And by claiming that I have allowed this, I TAKE BACK THE POWER in my life. He has not forced me, tricked me maybe, but I let this happen and I CAN MAKE IT STOP.

I guarantee, if your involved with a Narc, they have done everything in their power to make themselves the center of your life and OF YOUR IDENTITY. You get anxious if you know you’re doing something they wont like, you live in fear of the rage, even if you don’t recognize it as that. You have been broken, but guess what? You LET this “magical” person come in and make you feel amazing, and then when they didn’t anymore, you TOOK RESPONSIBILITY.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they are angry. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they are broken. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they don’t love you. It IS your fault that you are letting them keep you down, letting them keep sucking any life that they can from you, letting them keep DESTROYING you. We keep letting THEM write our stories. Its my fault too, I do the same thing. The curse of my compassionate heart is to care, but I can’t set MYSELF on fire to keep him warm anymore. AND NEITHER CAN YOU.

I know, this will probably make a lot of people mad. Let me be clear: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW HE TREATS YOU. I am not victim shaming. I am telling you right now though, that you CANNOT continue to let this monster who has “claimed”, you continue to take from you without taking anything from this life for yourself.

DREAM. Write it down, hide it somewhere or just write in online here, in the comments. Make it tangible. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Your life is SO MUCH MORE than the story they tell you. You can be SO MUCH MORE than you ever even dreamed.

I started this blog as a lifeline. I NEEDED someone to know what I was dealing with. I couldn’t keep quiet anymore, but I NEVER thought I would reach over a million people. OVER A MILLION!!! I can’t believe it even now. I remember freaking out the first weekend 400 people visited, and being horrified that my online journal was so exposed and I was going to get busted and he was going to be so mad… And that reaction right there told me how bad off I really was in my marriage.

Guess what, even though all of my pain and being messed up and not being able to commit to writing as much as I need to, it has grown, and you all have created an amazing community of support. This isn’t just my story and not just my blog, this has become something much bigger and more important. And I am honored to be a catalyst for it to happen.

As amazing and humbling as this is, I’m not an exception. There are amazing things out there for you too! You have gifts you may have forgotten. You have talents you might be hiding. You have dreams you might have given up on, and even though the original might not be attainable, what can become real in your life, that uses your HEART will amaze you.

So STOP HIDING. I’m not saying stop hiding from him, stop hiding from yourself. Stop turning off all you are because it hurts too much. Face your pain and take back something. Just one thing, take it back. Claim something as yours he wont know about, love it, make it amazing, and when it feels comfortable or when your ready, grab another. Even if its small, even if its TINY. You NEED to find yourself outside of him and outside of your kids and the needs of others. You probably can’t change your life today and totally create a new routine that cherishes you, but you can take something small and let it grow, and let it FEED you.

I am not totally “back” to myself. And the scars I have will never go away, I’m ok with that. I’m better than I was. I’m getting better, even when I feel like crap. Even when I’m scared, I know I’m getting better. And he CANT STOP ME from being myself, only I can. Only I can let him take away who I am inside, and I am going to keep fighting every day to regain the ground I have lost. I REFUSE TO SINK anymore.

Promises to Myself:

#1. Pursue the business opportunities I have in front of me that will free me from financial dependence on him.

#2. Take time to do things that feed my soul. (Writing, reading, spending time alone-even if I have to sacrifice sleep).

#3. Do what I need to do to take care of my physical health. AKA, get health insurance, lose the weight I need to, take my anti depressants every day. I’m not trying to be a trophy wife, I’m not trying to be obedient, but sabotaging my health in rebellion of him is stupid and I wont do that anymore.

Three things, small things, But these three things will totally change my life. How about you?


PLEASE NOTE: If you are in physical danger or fear for your life, you may not be able to do anything but hide. Seek shelter where you can and do whatever is necessary to keep yourself (and your kids) safe. Rebuilding yourself may not be able to happen while you’re with a dangerous abusive partner and might not be safe for you. Please seek help and get away as soon as you can.


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34 thoughts on “I’m a Hypocrite (and So Are You)

  1. Vicky says:

    I left my narcissist 7 months ago. It was the second time, the first time he pulled me back with his guilt tripping and his ability to make me believe I wasn’t good enough to find anyone better than him. I have to say it’s still hard Im still having anxiety attacks even though I’ve been no contact for a while now. The doctor thinks I need more counselling and I know she’s right. They creep in deeper than you ever thought possible and steal you away from yourself. It’s hard finding yourself when they have buried you that deep inside yourself. But I am determined that this man will never hurt me again. I’m not going back and if I can do it then anyone can. I won’t lie it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and we didn’t even have kids. What hurts the most is he truly believes I’ve gone crazy because he is the perfect man and sometimes I want to scream in his face and tell him what he’s done to me. But my counsellor said that’s what he wants do I try to bury the anger inside, it has no outlet, I have no escape from it. But I will win because I’ve dropped the ball and he will never make me pick it up again. Be strong, we all deserve more.

  2. jamie says:

    I love this and completely agree with everything you said. I am amazed that you are still married to a narcissist? I sometimes feel like I’m selfish for leaving my husband when our daughter was a few weeks old but he had been physical in the past including while I was pregnant and I simply cannot risk her safety. After he screamed at the top of his lungs calling me obscenities while I was holding her, I finally left for good. Is there a reason you are staying? I apologize if you have covered this somewhere, I’m just intrigued to know because of the guilt I feel for making my daughter grow up in a single parent home…We have been in a year long divorce battle that has been fueled with many arguments, fights, delays in mediation, parenting time challenges and have all been greatly hostile thanks to manipulation and narcissistic games.
    Thank you in advance.

    1. Shari says:

      Hi Jamie,
      No, you are not selfish in any way, you are courageous, an inspiration to your daughter and others. It will be ok, even better for her. Often the most amazing people come from single – mother familes. Look at our current president!

  3. Corinne Gayle says:

    This has honestly been helping me. I left my narc. Almost 7 months ago but he has finally left me alone for almost a month now but I still feel like he is the voice in my head telling me I can’t do it on my own that I won’t make it. When I first left it gave me encouragement strength confidence that if I could leave I could do anything that I survived and made it out nothing could hurt me. But after a few months idk what happened i guess there was more damage than I had thought I think I should go talk to someone. I don’t have the positive support i need cause it’s like no one in my family understands what it was or what all went through. It’s like they expect”oh you left your fine now” but I’m not I’m definitely not.

  4. msllelauren says:

    That’s it, stand up and be your awesome selves!! The best advice I think I ever got was , “you are not your emotions, you do not HAVE to accept the emotions you’re feeling as true, and it’s not your fault for how other people feel.”

  5. Laurie says:

    I’ve lived this exact life for 47 years.i could go into great detail, but this lady is saying it perfectly

  6. Kim says:

    Thank u for ur inspiration. Im trying to rebuild my life.

  7. Brianna D. Bogert says:

    I cannont thank you enough for this blog and info…the vortex that is living in this situation and “agreeing” to stay for the sake of….(fill in the blank).,…i’m admitting to being completely lost in his perceptions of me and i’m ready to find and be a better me…thank you thank you for your complete transparancy and willingness to share..it is a life line and a connection that is life

  8. Kathy says:

    There comes a time when we finally realize they do not love anyone or anything. Then comes the time when we can’t violate our own belief systems, any longer. The time that follows is when we decide to stand-up and be counted, rather than continue to lie down, and be steam-rollered. There comes a day of clarity, when realization dawns — and we know, beyond any doubt, life’s “problems” begin and end inside their minds, not ours. There comes a time when just that thought, can be freeing.

    Having spent years trying to figure narcissists out, I have tossed in the towel. I no longer care how they justify their irrational mind-set, I simply know that they do. My problem has to do with my reactions. If I can’t get physically away, maybe I can find some space inside myself, where I can “be.” I read, early on, that ignoring as many of their cold remarks as possible was one way of protecting ourselves. That might be so. But I also think that not saying anything in our own defense might be viewed by the narcissist as weak compliance, and you don’t want to send that message, either.

    Knowing we can do nothing about/for them, is a liberating thought. This allows us to relax, and stop worrying so much. They are going to be the way that they are, with, or without us, or any of our opinions. As the co-dependent, I tried for years, to make a positive difference in his life, thinking it would prompt him to return to more loving behaviors. But no matter how “perfect” things were, they were never quite, perfect enough. When dissatisfaction with his various jobs became my fault, I knew I was aligned to be his scapegoat. And I was right about that. But I keep hoping for positive change, even as his mental state continues to deteriorate.

    We have to give up hope. I know it’s almost impossible to do, but it is all there is to do. We can’t continue to hope for something that never existed. They do not love. They are incapable of the feeling. He was “acting” when he first met you, but he is not acting, now. This is who, how, and what he is.

    In order to salvage my own brand of sanity, I reacquaint myself with delightful, needle work. It is in this way that I take a mental break. When feeling emotionally overwhelmed, I turn to those things that keep my thoughts occupied, my heart full, and my hands busy. Those things that have nothing to do with him, are a lifeline. I am calm and content.

  9. Susan says:

    So good to hear from you Samantha. I’ve been thinking about you. And so many of your comments ring true for so many of us. Thank you for doing this. I am trying to be more transparent about the struggles I have been through so that I can help others. So thanks for your example. I love your goals, too. It is so easy to feel like nothing you do matters, because they have to make anything you do NOT matter. I finally had to say to myself: I’m not doing this for him, I’m doing it for me. That is my mantra to keep from getting sucked into his vortex of negativity where nothing I do is ever good enough.

    God bless us all!

    1. Ashley says:

      Susan, I am getting ready to leave my narc…. any advice welcomed!

  10. Shari says:

    Your blog has been a lighthouse for me since I found it months ago. You’re lucid about your situation, you refuse to see yourself as a victim, and you’re looking for exit strategies. In addition, I, and many others I think, identify with much you go through, for it’s our own — the wine breakdown on the “good” day, the financial dependence, and this latest, crucial realization that even if your partner is utterly toxic, pulling the strings, and holding all the cards, we are responsible for our actions and reactions — it’s like learning how to deal with a toddler, or with a sadistic prison warden (who listes to Mozart, nevertheless).
    Here’s where survival techniques come in, and we/I need to learn them. Because I for one, can’t leave at this moment. I’ve got four kids, and though too highly educated, job prospects in my field are almost nill due to the past 10 yrs not working, bearing kids and caring for kids, while he built and sold a successful startup. We live abroad, far away from family support which can’t be counted on anyway. And in a subtly malicious way, I’ve ended up on “allowance,” ( irregularly distributed) and no access to bank accounts that I’m technically joint holder, but since they are in yet another country, I can’t get bank cards to, w/out his help. So I am on a tight leash. While being called old, fat, parasite, incompetent on a regular basis — alternating with him saying, “I love you, why don’t you show me more affection?!” Or “You’re making us all unhappy.”
    And, of course, we all know that divorce (a dream of mine) would be war (his words) and it would take some time (especially in this foreign land) for me to have access to resources that would allow me to stay off the streets. And of course, the children, he would never allow me to take them with me.
    So yes, techniques to survive and prosper, and leave — let’s help each other!

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      My heart goes out to you! Sounds like he does have you well contained, at the very least.

      If you have an allowance, could you possible begin hiding some away here and there to pay for online courses? At least if your knowledge base is recent, you have that working in your favor. You’re in a tangled web for sure, but someday the kids will be grown, or grown enough, and you will have a new perspective on leaving. Don’t give up on your future! Never, ever give up. Keep making plans and getting smarter, better, someday you will be free! <3 Until then, you have your sisters and brothers here.

      1. shari says:

        Hi Samantha,
        Thanks for your message (a while ago…) I’m actually writing to find out how you are, and how go your plans for leaving? Your story is ours! Perhaps you are in a good period now? If not, how can we help you?
        I leave you my news too…
        I like your term “well contained,” it fits my situatiojn. To be honest, and here’s the tricky part, my NPD wants very much to , or claims to want, that I realize my dreams — which are some creative projects, like a short film he says he wants to produce (but yet another control trick)! He really is a good father to his kids, doesn’t cheat, no bad habits (those are mine…), a go-getter, and whose money supports us. And strangely enough, I think he really does love, or at least craves me, because he doesn’t leave me alone except for the silent treatments, and despite all my gentle suggestions for an amical, easy, joint-custody divorce, where I don’t even want more money than necessary-to-keep-me & kids- off -the- streets–for-a-year until I find a job in a home country, he keeps sticky sticking. Goddam, maybe I”m not fat enough…
        So a wonderful man in the eyes of many, except for these passages through hell — I call it the NPD man period. Just weekly instead of monthly. It’s where all control techniques — financial, organizational, physical, silent ttment– are pointed weapons, such as:

        –You need ten bucks for what..?
        — “Well, apart the fact that we have an agreement for a lump sum (of my and your money) every month that you haven’t given me in months, I need money for the dinner groceries you said you would buy…”
        — “Why are you harassing me? I’m innocently practicing piano…
        Followed by silent treatment from my Mozart, while I try to figure out if ketchup can work as a vegetable for dinner.

        (I’m hoping you find this funny, because I think the best I can do for myself in this captive state is find some humor…)

        Not just passages of NPDness, but there is his all-the-time general need to be the center of all, to let me take his “guidance” as my bible, to be the sexy bitch despite it all, and have me accept all blame such as:
        Him — Can you apologize?
        Me — Sure I’ll apologize that you called me “scum”, and tried to take my car keys, and when you failed, you gouged and pushed me out of the house…Sooorrry baby…my bad,,,

        It has been getting physical, but he seems to have figured out that when he tries to get abusive, I will fight back. And let me tell you (ladies!) that extra weight we’ve put on as a result our conjugal nightmare comes in handy when you have to pack a punch…(“I was holding back, baby, next time you touch me, my elbow will crack your nose…)

        The problem is that I should be more competent with things, more productive, less slacker less depressive, but I’m still working harder for our family than he is, though he claims that he’s the at-home dad now “doing everything for the family” which is really an excuse to watch bad movies and bitch most of the time. Thing is though, that every weakness of ours (lack of concentration, sadness, the slightest of disorganisation) whether natural or PTSD, can be used against us indefinitely. These days, I apologize if I have to, but never more than once, and never profusely….
        Anyways, am still working on the exit strategy. Once I’ve done helping my eldest get into a good US college (full time –we’re overseas in a school that has no clue), finished my two projects, of which one might get me independence — I will claim my door.

  11. I was married to my ex for 26 years. I finally moved out two years ago. The divorce was final November 2014. He wanted the divorce but was too passive aggressive to ask for it. He deliberately did things to make me want to leave. That way he could tell people that I left him. I consider him a Narc even though I didn’t have the same experiences as some of the women I have read stories about. He is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met! His whole purpose in life is to make people believe he is the nicest guy ever. The only people who know who he really is are me and the kids. He has always favored our eldest (23) and it has a very negative impact on our youngest (20). He continues to this day to try to control me through my children. And my oldest is turning out to be just like him. It breaks my heart to see my beautiful child grow into someone I do not like and do not want to be around. I am slowly taking myself back – finding the person I used to be. I am in therapy to learn how to heal myself and how to never get into another relationship with a Narc. So far I have learned that I was conditioned by my very dysfunctional parents to be accepting of this type of relationship because they taught me that was how I was supposed to be treated. I no longer have a relationship with either of them. I am trying to be a good example for my children and I am able to find something good about every day. Living alone is a very enjoyable experience for me and I look forward to my future!

  12. endofmyrope says:

    So I have been spending my sleepless nights searching for answers to communication issues etc. and low and behold I found some poor soul who posted what looked exactly like my life. I am still blown away how deep the hurt is and how long it can last from being entangled with a narc. I also have learned many new terms that I am sorry I am now aquainted with. My personal fav. is “narcopath”. I have been married to my narc for 5 years. It was hell after 1 and I knew if my kids and I loved him and his kids enough or the right way we would be such a magical beautiful example of love in action and how diversity and adversity can be overcome with love, grace, and time. WHAT A DUMB ASS. I have spent so much time trying to defend and explain myself and why I want to have a relationship with his kids and why I think they should spend time with us and why I don’t think it’s a good idea for the girls to be alone at their mothers house because their uncle has a meth lab in her garage.. I’m the crazy one for trying to keep everybody safe, and for trying to communicate and trying to make a difference. I’m crazy because my husband texts his ex about strip clubs and about meeting him places. My fav. I love being ignored and given the silent treatment until he climbs in bed, and then I’m supposed to turn on the sex kitten switch. The vague answers to questions and when he leaves to go to the “carwash” he is gone for 6 hours. Don’t ask any questions because if you do you will pay dearly. I have learned to not have an opinion, feelings, or ask questions or ask about/talk about his kids. If I ask about his kids he gets defensive (two of them dropped out of school and are regular into drugs and in and out of jail). If I don’t ask then he tells me I don’t care about them. It’s constant and the same in every direction. He tells me how he does EVERYTHING for me and I am just never happy. He tries to make me feel crazy all the time. For the first few years of marriage he would go behind my back and talk about me to his ex, laughing at my shortcomings and the fact that I was on anxiety meds. And then lie about it, but his ex would text me what he said to hurt me. My oldest daughter died 2 years ago after a horrible illness. While she was sick he was such an asshole. After she died he just got really mad and impatient over my grief. He said he knew she was going to die so he didn’t really get to know her (she was 25 when she died). The devastation was/is unbearable. He often will say things like “it’s time to get over it” or “shes gone, just let it go!”. Or one of my fav. is “people die everyday”. I am beyond happy to have found a group of people. I have 9 kids and 4 step kids. I am so exhausted from trying to fix everything and make everybody happy. I know God can fix anything and I know I’m not alone but I’m really at the end of any rope that I had left. I am ready to plan my escape.

    1. Kathy says:

      Oh, my. My mother passed away, on December 13, 2003. On December 16th, I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner, weeping silently, to myself. My P/S/N entered the room, and looked up, in complete disgust. He said, “Oh for Christ’s sake! How long is this shit going to go on?” I was astounded! I was not curled up in a ball, somewhere. I was still functioning, through my grief. But my tear-streaked face offended him. How can anyone’s grief, offend another? It was in that moment I first believed there was something seriously wrong, with him. I then remembered his father’s funeral — during the first year we were married. He did not shed a single tear. His father was an alcoholic, who left the family, through divorce, when DH was sixteen-years old. But other than drinking until he died, he did not “do” terrible things to his wife or children. But, he is the worst man in the world, according to my husband. I guess his mother was terrible too, since he did not weep when he learned of her passing, either. It’s not that I think we should spend the bulk of our time in tears, it is that we should emote something, when our parents pass away. Not this one. So, the reason yours is so seemingly cold-hearted is because he sustained a narcissistic injury, by seeing you mourn. Why? Because he can’t feel anything for others, and you obviously can. That truth upsets his mentally disordered equilibrium to the degree that he must lash out at you, in order to be okay. He needs to put you down, in order to feel better about himself. Once you can see that behavior, for the DESPERATE NEED TO CONTROL that it is, you won’t feel so hurt, confused or blind-sided by it. Right! He’s fine — it’s YOU who are unhappy/ungrateful. Question: Happy and grateful, for what? This is NOT all in your head, and it’s not going to go away. At first, your confusion may have come from the fact that he does not exhibit normal/average attitudes or behaviors, in his private life — yet appears to be Mr. Nice Guy, in public. He has two different and separate personas, and you and the kids all know it, at some level. I firmly believe the only way you will ever have a chance at normalcy in your life, is to leave, and never look back. Of course, that can be so much easier said, than done.

      1. Hangingbythread says:

        Sigh. I feel your pain. I have asked mine to leave on two occasions….the house belongs to me….he says he is trying to change but its my fault because im never happy. Im ready to sell the house while he is out of town and move to canada. Why canada? Because he is a felon and they wont let him in Canada. I dont have to deal with his mean ex or kids. He told his ex i was on anxiety meds and that i didnt know how to potty train my 2 year old. They like to laugh about what a wacko i am. They deserve each other. I told him yesturday i dont like who i am when im with him and ive completely lost myself. That was dumb. Im so proud of you and feeling hopeful because of you and this blog. He told me that there are so many women that would love to have him as a husband….im thinking he should go and live his life…..my issue….i have 7 kids we have 1 together…i have an autistic adult daughter. Im grieving the death of my oldest daughter and cant breathe…..im going to go workout tonight….im going to get out…

        1. Kathy says:

          We do not own our home, we are tenants. Too many job changes, and major moves, to ever own something as permanent as a family home. Right! WE are never happy. It’s hard to be happy, when you are constantly being told how useless and worthless you are. It’s hard to have faith in anything good, when you’re suffering cognitive dissonance, so no longer can trust your own thoughts. I agree with your feelings that you do not like yourself when you are with him. How could you? Either you are afraid, and walking on eggshells, whenever he’s around, or you are being criticized and raged-at, none of which guarantee any kind of happiness. For many years, I thought I was the problem. I cried myself to sleep, for the first fifteen years of our marriage, because I was convinced it was me. Then, I met a psychologist who said it was not me, at all. She told me that it was him. She told me that our “family dysfunction” started with him, and went downhill, from there. Example: He told me he wanted children, while we were dating. But three years later, when I became pregnant, he wanted for me to have an abortion. We were married, but that didn’t matter. He did not want the child, or the last one, two-and-one-half-years later. I have wondered since that time, if the child sensed he was not wanted, and whether it had an impact on his psyche. He was born autistic, and did not speak for the first five years of his life. I stayed home, and mainstreamed him, all the while being told all I did was sit on my ass, and do NOTHING. I should have known, then. But I kept thinking about what I could have/should have done better … Here’s a flash: There is no better. There is no enough. There is never perfect enough. We habitually disappoint them, because according to them, we are not good enough. Truth is, they are absolutely miserable, but they recognize our joy. And they can’t abide it. They take our happiness as a personal insult, since they are incapable of feeling anything other than hatred, greed or envy. So, dragging us down, becomes their sole purpose in life. They are going to prove that we are not as good as they are. In fact, they believe we are so inferior to them, we are as bugs to be stepped on! So why should they care about us? You can’t make any sense of how they think, because you are normal, so you don’t entertain the kinds of thoughts they do. If you knew, I mean, really knew, what your NPD was/is thinking, I believe you would run, screaming in the street. They are self-absorbed to the point of being deviant. And unless you are deviant too, you do not/cannot, think/believe/behave as he does. Nor can you ever take anything he says at face value. You can only observe his aberrant behavior(s), and micro-facial expressions, when he thinks no one is watching. Ask yourself this: If you had the opportunity to sit down and talk to a mental health professional about your life, would you do it? I know I would. And this pleases my P/N/S because he thinks I’m admitting defeat. NO, I’m not. But my disordered husband would fight to the death, anyone suggesting he needs professional help, and I imagine yours would, too. Ask yourself another question: Why is he so defensive about the subject of counseling? I’m only guessing but I think they know they are not like we are, and are scared of being labeled as the utter phonies they actually are. Their entire existence is a sham, they don’t know how to get out of their own charade, and off the stage. In this way, we can feel some measure of compassion for them. If our motivation is high enough, we can find a way to leave, but they are forever stuck with the self-delusions and nightmares of their own creation.

          1. Hangingbythread says:

            Im actually sitting in a parkinglot crying at the moment so the kids dont have to see me. My husband has been working out of town but was home this past week. It was horrible…so many broken promises. He promised my 10 yr old he would take him fishing but never did. i feel like i spend so much time fixing what he does and making excuses so the kids arent hurt. I have an autistic daughter. I was told that therebwas nothing wronh with her i just wanted attention. Yeah thats it. She didnt speak at all till she was 4. Shes 23 now. Im so tired of being tired and sad. im doing a half ironman in Austin this sunday. He was supposed to take care of our 3 and 4 yr old. Now he doesnt know if he will be off work. He might or might not…im supposed to just wait for him to figure his shit out. Im supposed to wait to the last minute to figure it out all the while trying to help him not be”frustrated”…..He was really nice for like 3 days telling me he was sorry (millionth time) and that he really wanted us to be best friends. He would literally take advantage ofe while i was taking bien because u couldnt sleep after my daughter died. He said it was the best sex he ever had. I was knocked out. I hate him. I know its over. He wont leave. He uses the Bible against me saying God hates divorce and he keeps saying he is going to change. He just got pissed off because i spent 60$ at walgreens. I know i need to go home but i cant stop crying.

            1. Kathy says:

              It’s hard to “hide” what’s going on, from the kids. Even if they don’t say anything, they sense just about everything. When our boys were young, it was the middle of the ’80’s, and everyone’s life was dysfunctional. They came home one day, and asked why we weren’t divorced, since all of their friend’s parents were. Like you, I kept running around, trying to fix his screw-ups, and broken promises, etc. When I was trying to find answers concerning our autistic child, I too was blamed by the mental health industry. It had to be da Mama, after all, since nobody had a clue as to what was actually going on. Talk about a bunch of bunk … Our son did not speak, so it was impossible to “shrink” him. So, ummm, let’s change the sign on the door to, “Mommy Therapy,” so we can tell ourselves we have done something good, today. “If we tell her that she’s the problem, she will jump through all of our hoops, as well as her husband’s.” What I found to be true was just one thought: Never give up. So I didn’t. That same son is forty-two years old, now. He has a wife and child of his own, and works in the I.T. industry. He is a good person who tries to help those who might need it. The only time I ever see any vestiges of the autism is when he has had a little too much to drink, or is exceptionally tired. Then, I will catch a glimpse of the autism “stare.” It always reminds me of how far he has come. As far as “forgetting” promises is concerned, I believe NPD’s conveniently “forget” what they said/promised, thirty seconds after it flies out of their mouths. I get to hear, “I forgot!” “I can’t remember!” “I don’t know!” I can even hear it in my sleep … “I forgot …” How I ever believed this mental midget was intelligent, I’ll never know. It just illustrates how “deluded” I was. The reason you are “supposed to wait” until he figures his shit out is because he is superior to you, so you can wait, forever. Yes, it is your job to manage his poor, mood-affect. Question: Who helps you manage your frustrations? I wrote briefly about deviant behavior. I wrote that they are so self-absorbed, they are deviant. An example might be a description of my husband’s favorite “habit.” He is a chronic masturbator. It makes me wonder what he ever needed me for. In fact, about five years ago, he told me he was no longer interested in sex. Okay. Whatever. Then, I find him masturbating, all over the house. While he was looking out the kitchen window, while he was standing in the kitchen pantry, looking for canned goods, or while I am sleeping next to him, and awaken to our bed shaking. Or, how about, finding him kneeling in the entryway, one morning, with a magazine and jar of Vaseline? Everybody discovers this, sometime during childhood. But once we stand before our friends and families, and promise to share our lives with one another, aren’t we supposed to share our sexuality, too? So why the chronic, self-gratification? Because of their chronic self-absorption, and extreme selfishness. Why waste the energy, having sex, when all they need is their hand? Besides, we might like/enjoy it, so they use not being sexually intimate, as a weapon in order to punish, pervert and distort even the thought, of intimacy. It got to the point where certain things were “expected, during the sex act. Instead of a gift, performing oral sex became my duty. Then, instead of having a climax, I would be left, hanging. And he was rough. I would tell him he was hurting me, and he would say, “I just get carried away …” Yea, right. Why would anyone touch someone they love, during intercourse, in a rough and gruff manner? (Deviance). He didn’t do that when we were dating. It was just one of the changes that occurred, after I said, “I do.” Please know, that I am fully aware of what you are going through. I loved this one, with every fiber of my being. And as his dissatisfaction increased, I kept trying to “do” everything better. For more years than I’d care to count, I walked on eggshells, and jumped through burning hoops. Not anymore. Now, I am hyper-vigilant, because I am uneasy around him. Now, I’m the one who goes “off,” at the drop of a hat. Now, I’m the one who tells him what a bum and a loser he is. Now, I am getting even. Now, I need therapy, too. Does getting even make me feel good? No, it doesn’t. I was never going to have one of “those” marriages. You know the kind? The ones where it is painfully obvious that the couple hate one another? Yea, those. But here I am, and here we are. If there was something I could tell you to do, while living with him — something productive, or good — I would be telling you what that is. Instead, if there is anywhere you can go, anyone who will move over for a while, in order to help you and your children, go there. Let him have the house, and its contents, as well as the mortgage and utility payments. Do not contact him. File for divorce. Use your attorney as a middle-man, and don’t allow dear hubby to come around. Get a restraining order, if need be, but get away, and stay away, from him. Staying together will not make the kids, or you, any happier. It will, over time, make you even more miserable than you already are, and will damage their developing world view. Some like to think these cretins “mellow” with age. No, they don’t. They only get worse, in their maniacal need to control, and in their desire to crush and destroy everything/everyone in their path. One of our sons is a budding narcissist … Why? Because he loved his father, and sought to emulate him. It breaks my heart, and I can’t bear to think of that same fate happening to one of your children. While we run around thinking we must be crazy, we need to know who the real crazy one is: him. How bad is it? It’s so bad they don’t believe there is anything wrong, with them. Or, if they notice any differences, they think that’s what makes them superior to us, and everyone else. Talk about delusions of grandeur. Forget about the Bible, for a moment. God is not going to intervene, in your life’s situation. Not now, and not ever. Religion is fine, but it’s not what you need, right now. You need a sane existence/environment, so you can create balance in your life, and in your children’s lives. You need to be loved, for who and what you are, (human) not as some nebulous goddess, who does not exist. You need to be able to demonstrate and instill values your children will utilize for the rest of their lives. Think of it this way: “No chain is ever any stronger than its weakest link.” The weakest link, in your household, is him.

              I wish you well, Kathy

  13. Ali says:

    I need to tell someone. My husband the narc is destroying me. Today my husband looked me dead in the eye and said “I bought the house you can move everynthing into it.” I waited until he left and just bawled. He tricks me into thinking I’m wrong about having a narc as a husband and than he says something as insane as this. My husband is the guy who sees zero need to help me move 5,000 sq foot home full of crap and four kids. I’m so tired. He has nothing inside him that wants to help me and honestly it’s such a silly thing and maybe no one will understand but the idea behind this just made me lose my mind. I can’t keep up and I can’t leave this man. He has me trapped. He’s well connected. Well liked in the community.. he will destroy me and taken my kids. I’m stuck in this hell forever….

    1. Kathy says:

      Sharing our narcissistic experiences helps keep us from thinking we are going crazy. We are not the ones who are crazy — NPD’s are. I am physically handicapped, but while preparing for a move, I was told our household goods were all mine, so I should pack everything myself. It was the first time I needed his help, and he opted-out. The laziness of a typical narc could explain most of this, but I think it goes deeper than they. They enjoy seeing us suffer. Let me repeat: THEY ENJOY OUR SUFFERING! How sick is that? You and I would not enjoy seeing a complete stranger, in pain, or suffering. But they smile; they tell themselves we deserve to suffer, since we are inferior to them. They never feel any guilt or remorse for their horrendous attitudes, deeds and behavior(s), and they NEVER apologize. I’m not trapped, but I might as well be. With nowhere to go, I can’t leave, so yes, I’m stuck here, too. Sometimes, what helps me is to, “slow my roll.” It sounds strange, but I’m talking about our reaction/response time. If we can keep our emotions/expressions together, long enough, they will give themselves away, by some smirk, facial tick, or body language. They aren’t “ON,” all the time, since nobody is. If you watch him, when he doesn’t know that you are doing it, you will be able to see when his mask slips, and observe the real him. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that they don’t love us. But the truth is, they don’t love anyone or anything — it’s not just us — and it’s not because of us. And since we love them, we wonder why they behave in such an un-loving manner towards us and the children. That’s because their “routine,” is not an act, at all. If you are not the feminine version of the Marque de Sade, there’s no excuse for his behavior. You can’t change him, but you can change your response to the things he says and does. Pack the entire house, and get the kids to help. But do not pack a single item that can be classified, as his. If he rage-attacks you for it, smile and simper sweetly, and tell him you weren’t sure what to do, and did not want to make a mistake …

    2. trapped says:

      AlI’m so sorry….I’m so sorry for what you are going through. the mind games and the torture are the worst. such a twisted Web the narcotics weaves around his victims until they believe they are at fault. I have several kids from toddler to college and am constantly told how lucky I am by the narcotics that I have him. he is never wrong. your narcotics truly thinks you don’t deserve his help. I have heard mine separate finances and everything from day 1. I should have seen it. I recently have confronted narc after years of sadness and brokenness trying to please him. he is calling me hateful and says I’m spitting venom. he says all I care about is myself and that I’m rebellious against God for not doing what he says. praying for you.

  14. trapped says:

    feeling trapped and actually being trapped is so hard. most days both are a reality for me and then there are days I can see a light at the end of the escape tunnel…..

  15. carmin says:

    I stumbled upon your site in my search for help in understanding what I’m going through since I decided to divorce my narc after 17 years of marriage. It’s not easy and trying to build myself up again after believing his lies for so many years is proving more difficult than I thought. I read through your letter to your narc yesterday and it encouraged me to write mine which ended up being 3 pages long. Oh it could fill a book but as I wrote the stuff that spewed out of me was disgusting. I kept reading it over and over as it all seemed so unreal that I would have lived through that, that I had to keep asking myself did this really happen? Am I lying to make it seem more gruesome than it actually was? No it’s all 100% truth and I cannot believe I put myself through that. The degrading is the worst although mine was physcial abuse as well. The words though in those degrading tantrums were horrific. In fact I still get degrading texts after 7 months of moving to another city far away from him. They still cut to my core. I don’t understand why I sometimes miss him? Why I sometimes think of going back? Why I sometimes feel sorry for him for leaving him and taking the kids with? Am I insane? But I know I am never going back. I will forge a way forward. Although he manipulates be by punishing me and withholding finances. It’s been so tough with the kids there have been times when we have had absolutely nothing to eat. I’ve starved myself to make sure that the kids at least had a sandwich. But I am free from him now and never going back. I can’t go back but why am I pulled to go back so much? Why do I fight the urge so often so hard? His violated me beyond belief but yet I still have these thoughts of going back? But I know I’m not going to………..

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Don’t be afraid or ashamed to get help if you need it. Food banks are there just for that reason. Stay strong sister! Best wishes to you

      1. Kathy says:

        Hello Samantha,
        While responding to someone on your blog, yesterday, I submitted what I had written, whereupon it promptly disappeared! I don’t understand what happened. Was there something offensive in the content?

        1. Samantha Matthews says:

          Hi Kathy! I haven’t deleted anyone’s comments so I’ll have to look into it. Thinking my site Might have a bug, been doing a few weird things lately… I’m sorry!

          1. Kathy says:

            Hi Samantha,
            I wondered if I mis-communicated, or was indiscreet …
            But when last I looked, I found it on your blog.

      2. carmin says:

        Hi Samantha, I’m feeling much stronger today! Had a good chat with my 16 year old daughter last night and after hearing of her bravery it made me stronger. She confronted her dad via social media and shared what was on her heart. He promised her that he would change and she boldly and bravely told him that his said that so many times before. My narc would go into rages that escalated to physical abuse. She told him about all the times she laid in her bed at night afraid. Until she got older and then would actually have to come in and stop him from his rage. She told him how everytime afterwards he would tell the kids that he would change and he never did. She told him of how she longed for his attention and would even make like she didn’t understand her homework just so he would sit with her and give her some attention. And he never did. She told him of how she took up athletics just so he could be proud of her and yet her never came to watch her run once. She told him of her disappointment in him not being able to be an active father in her life because everything was always about him. And while his angry with me for leaving she told him that it was her that forced me to leave. That she wanted a better life. Which she did. My heart broke listening to her as she fought the tears. And then she said “Mummy I know it’s hard. I’m right here with you. But just know that if you ever go back things will be just the same and we will have to start this process all over again.” So yes, I fill the strength and all I need to do is just put one foot in the front of the other and move forward with my kids. I realise that I deserve better, my kids deserve better and we will have better. So no, I’m not afraid. I will be brave for my kids and together we will push forward. I changed my number today. No MORE contact! I’m sick of the mind games and the manipulation. The sorries and the lies after lies. I’m sick of the You nothing without me, No one will ever love you like I do, I made you to the pity parties. I’m sick of the drama of this man. I gave him 17 years of my life…he will have no more!

        1. Samantha Matthews says:

          So proud of you and her! Stay strong, it’s hard, but worth it!!

        2. trapped says:

          you’re so brave and so inspiring and I’m starting to feel braver because of you and your daughter

  16. Maliha says:

    Very inspiring, my N accused me two months ago of taking two hundred dollars which I never saw, made me drop my classes,I left last year with kids after 12 years of marriage he made me believe he is a changed man and the proof was to let me pursue my education my life long dream, I am stuck, I excercise to run away from my body,I exhaust my self to only focus on my aching muscles,no friends or family to help, he hasnt talked to me in two months the only time he talks to me is to pick fights and call me names or spit on me. So disgusting how did I become this person,Iam the girl who took a plane to a magical land called USA at 16 years old and learned a new language made friends…

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