I am going to confess something, something I actually just realized, sadly. Something that struck me as I was bouncing around on Pinterest this morning and reflecting on recent arguments with the Narc.
I am a hypocrite, and its destroying my life.
The Number One thing I get mad at him for is his instance the I am responsible for how he feels, not only that, but that however he is feeling is 100% the truth (in his mind). That is crazy, right? Any modern psychologist will tell you that no, only children act like that. You ALONE are responsible for your feelings and responses and not everything you feel is true. Sometimes our perception is blurred and we don’t see things as they really are.
Guess What? That is exactly what I do. I blame him, though it is arguably his fault, that I have become so small. I am tired and broken and beat up. But I am LETTING that be my story. I allow him to make me feel small and helpless. I have allowed him to make me doubt and forget what I am truly capable of. I allow him to isolate me because the fight (and the constant reminders for months) isn’t “worth it”. Yes, he is a monster, but what is wrong with me that I ALLOW this? That I BELIEVE this garbage he tries to make my truth?
And maybe I don’t believe it consciously, but deep down, isn’t that how I’m acting?
I AM 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR MY BEHAVIOR, NO MATTER HOW BAD I AM FEELING OR WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.
And so is he.
As an INFJ, that is SUPER hard to deal with because I absorb everything! Everything in my house, everything from my kids, and everything from him, and let me tell you, what I get from him is scary. Like I am not psychic, or any of that, but the empty pull of darkness I feel around him is horrible. Its like a tar I cant escape.
And it comes down to boundaries, and where I draw my strength. And by claiming that I have allowed this, I TAKE BACK THE POWER in my life. He has not forced me, tricked me maybe, but I let this happen and I CAN MAKE IT STOP.
I guarantee, if your involved with a Narc, they have done everything in their power to make themselves the center of your life and OF YOUR IDENTITY. You get anxious if you know you’re doing something they wont like, you live in fear of the rage, even if you don’t recognize it as that. You have been broken, but guess what? You LET this “magical” person come in and make you feel amazing, and then when they didn’t anymore, you TOOK RESPONSIBILITY.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they are angry. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they are broken. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they don’t love you. It IS your fault that you are letting them keep you down, letting them keep sucking any life that they can from you, letting them keep DESTROYING you. We keep letting THEM write our stories. Its my fault too, I do the same thing. The curse of my compassionate heart is to care, but I can’t set MYSELF on fire to keep him warm anymore. AND NEITHER CAN YOU.
I know, this will probably make a lot of people mad. Let me be clear: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW HE TREATS YOU. I am not victim shaming. I am telling you right now though, that you CANNOT continue to let this monster who has “claimed”, you continue to take from you without taking anything from this life for yourself.
DREAM. Write it down, hide it somewhere or just write in online here, in the comments. Make it tangible. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Your life is SO MUCH MORE than the story they tell you. You can be SO MUCH MORE than you ever even dreamed.
I started this blog as a lifeline. I NEEDED someone to know what I was dealing with. I couldn’t keep quiet anymore, but I NEVER thought I would reach over a million people. OVER A MILLION!!! I can’t believe it even now. I remember freaking out the first weekend 400 people visited, and being horrified that my online journal was so exposed and I was going to get busted and he was going to be so mad… And that reaction right there told me how bad off I really was in my marriage.
Guess what, even though all of my pain and being messed up and not being able to commit to writing as much as I need to, it has grown, and you all have created an amazing community of support. This isn’t just my story and not just my blog, this has become something much bigger and more important. And I am honored to be a catalyst for it to happen.
As amazing and humbling as this is, I’m not an exception. There are amazing things out there for you too! You have gifts you may have forgotten. You have talents you might be hiding. You have dreams you might have given up on, and even though the original might not be attainable, what can become real in your life, that uses your HEART will amaze you.
So STOP HIDING. I’m not saying stop hiding from him, stop hiding from yourself. Stop turning off all you are because it hurts too much. Face your pain and take back something. Just one thing, take it back. Claim something as yours he wont know about, love it, make it amazing, and when it feels comfortable or when your ready, grab another. Even if its small, even if its TINY. You NEED to find yourself outside of him and outside of your kids and the needs of others. You probably can’t change your life today and totally create a new routine that cherishes you, but you can take something small and let it grow, and let it FEED you.
I am not totally “back” to myself. And the scars I have will never go away, I’m ok with that. I’m better than I was. I’m getting better, even when I feel like crap. Even when I’m scared, I know I’m getting better. And he CANT STOP ME from being myself, only I can. Only I can let him take away who I am inside, and I am going to keep fighting every day to regain the ground I have lost. I REFUSE TO SINK anymore.
Promises to Myself:
#1. Pursue the business opportunities I have in front of me that will free me from financial dependence on him.
#2. Take time to do things that feed my soul. (Writing, reading, spending time alone-even if I have to sacrifice sleep).
#3. Do what I need to do to take care of my physical health. AKA, get health insurance, lose the weight I need to, take my anti depressants every day. I’m not trying to be a trophy wife, I’m not trying to be obedient, but sabotaging my health in rebellion of him is stupid and I wont do that anymore.
Three things, small things, But these three things will totally change my life. How about you?
PLEASE NOTE: If you are in physical danger or fear for your life, you may not be able to do anything but hide. Seek shelter where you can and do whatever is necessary to keep yourself (and your kids) safe. Rebuilding yourself may not be able to happen while you’re with a dangerous abusive partner and might not be safe for you. Please seek help and get away as soon as you can.