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TIRED! Even my dreams are telling me I’m repressing my feelings and rejecting someone in my life (gee, I wonder who?) ( check out dreammoods.com if you’re interested, it fascinating!). But you know what I’m the most tired of? The not being able to trust that what I see happening is whats really going on. I have to constantly remind myself that I really don’t know what is happening, if the information I’m relying on is coming from him. He could be telling me straight up bullshit, and I wouldn’t know. I want to spy on him just to validate my instincts, but at the same time, straight knowledge would require action that I am just not prepared to take.

lonliness2But really, I am learning a lot about myself, and where my boundaries are, what I’m capable of. Its true, I would rather be alone than spend time with him, but at he same time, I am SO TIRED of being alone! I spend my days at home with a toddler or a 6 year old, and I’m mom. So I get around a friend (though it happens rarely) and I am a total chatterbox. Which if you knew me, is not my normal state of being. I talk about my kids, about the weather, about anything, just to have a chance to talk to someone “grown up” is awesome.

Because if I had to name the number one trait of marriage, my marriage from my point of view, its loneliness. And it constantly boggles my mind how I could be spending my life with someone who knows so little about me, someone who just doesn’t care to find out things about me. Someone who is perfectly content to project his own idea of who I am onto me and leave it at that. Its de-humanizing  in a way, makes me feel invisible. So to go out and be SEEN by another person, is amazing.

So yeah, tired has become a normal state of being. And its frustrating because I have things I want to do, projects I want to work on, ways I want to make myself more of the woman I see myself being, and I just cant get the enthusiasm for it. I know Im probably depressed, I mean, how discouraging to know that a good half of your life is a straight up lie? And I have thought about getting on an anti depressant, but I know I would not be consistent enough in taking it for it to help, or to even know if it was helping, because it takes time. I hardly even discipline myself enough to take my ADD meds and I KNOW those work well, within about 30 minutes. Seems like its probably a snowball effect there, I feel down and distracted because I don’t take my meds, and so I don’t take them. Same thing with all the other things that I know would help me feel better, exercise, supplements, not eating sugar and grains, drinking more water and not living on coffee… Ugh!

I know the water thing is making me look old and tired too. I feel like I look so much older than my years just because my skin is so dull and blagh. Again, how do I muster up the motivation to make myself look better when I’m terrified it will only make him more likely to never leave me? Stupid, since that is actually what I want, so I can make myself ready and leave on my own terms. But will that day ever come, will I ever be fully prepared to just pack up and leave in a calm period? When hes raging Its all I can do not to just walk out, but when its calm, I accept the status quo typically, even though I’m not happy.

Really, whats the answer here? My spirit wont let me curl up and fade away, my instinct is to fight and be strong and find victory somehow. I don’t give up, I never do, and somehow adversity makes me stronger. But at the same time, its lonely and maybe that’s the main thing that’s dragging me down. I felt so much more focused when he was being awful all the time. Now, its much harder to see thought the crap and see whats really going on. And also, its more discouraging and depressing to be lied to and mislead all the time.

He is actively trying to make me feel like I don’t know whats going on. Gas-lighting me in the most insidious ways, which I know is typical (signs of narcissism). Telling me he told me things he didn’t, being deliberately vague and then acting irritated and asking me if I’m ok when I ask him to clarify. Its actually a little terrifying, its so psychopathic and sneaky, and to be honest, I really didn’t think he was that smart. Maybe I have underestimated him. Seriously, I feel like my life could be an excellent horror movie or novel… It cant possibly really be happening to me!

Maybe I should take up meditation and start praying more. Somehow, maybe God can give me clarity and eyes to see through this fog surrounding my life!

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Your Lips are Movin’

  1. Kelly says:

    You sound so much like me.. I finally just got him out of the house this weekend…. It’s strange kinda feeling between being overwhelmed and relief at the same time. I have 3 kids all teenagers.. yikes! I lived this life for 20 years and now I’m worrying about making it financially I do work of course but he was the bread winner, but still I will find a way! I have to say God has given me strength to do the hard part that was get him out!! I keep my focus on God I know he will provide for me and my kids. I just have to trust and rely on Him! Good luck to you!

  2. Heather says:

    Sounds just like my life.

  3. Toby says:

    Oh my! I feel your pain! I have been there! I just left my husband, it took me forever to get the courage to leave. Thankfully, I have no children with this man, but I am 61 years old. He was such a charmer when we dated. I mean a real Prince Charming. Before we married 5 years ago, I was a successful business owner. I was a strong independent woman. I became totally dependent on him, and he liked it that way. He knew all my passwords, all my business, and totally isolated me from my friends. I eventually took a part time job which he was totally against, but I stood my ground. He is retired, and very comfortable financially, but he made me pay him $50 every paycheck for gas, since he was taking me to work.
    I feel like I am living in a movie! We went to marriage counseling and he totally manipulated the counselor into thinking he is a caring empathic man! He makes me look like I am the crazy one! When things were going well, it was hard to get up the will to leave. I felt like if I just did all the right things for him, things would be fine. Well, not really fine, but I would be financially taken care of. BUT….. I finally got a plan to leave. It was really hard. I mean REALLY hard. I have a small support group, thanks to my part time job. I now try to have NO CONTACT with him. I have blocked him on my phone. I de-friended him on FB and I do not answer emails. But he continues to love-bomb me. Which makes it really hard. I almost believe that he will change, but everything I read tells me not to believe it. So I am standing fast. I am so scared that I am going to be totally broke. I have not fiiled for divorce yet, from what I have read, as soon as I do, my life will really be a night mare. I am scared to death! I am going to be totally broke. I don’t know how I am going to afford rent on a part time job. But I decided my mental health was more important than money. Good luck to you. I hope you can make a plan to leave the living hell you are in. Everything you wrote, was my life!!!

  4. Afoona says:

    I have yet to read all that’s here, but our two are narcissistic peas in a pod. Or are they all so alike?! And I feel you are very like me –It’s all very parallel universe. But speaking of movies, I wondered if anyone here has seen a low budget movie about a woman married to a horrid winey, drag-you-down demanding, manipulation-drippiing narcissist. I mostly remember she wanted to bake pies, and in the end she makes a little business. I was hypnotically fascinated by how they portrayed subtleties that were so very like my husband. It helped me start to realize that what I was seeing in my husband was real, that my perceptions were valid. I’d love to know the name of that movie. ALSO, if you haven’t read a GREAT book (awesome on Audible), entertaining and dead-on, read Big Little Lies!!

  5. Paula says:

    Hi!!! I can’t believe all I’m reading. It’s like a dream come true to all my problems from 18 years of marriage. So this was it?? I really do share all of each one of you have said! I don’t know if I feel like crying or be happy I found you.
    Is anyone of you interested in being my pen pal? I have so many questions girls. As I readed I was hoping for more feed back. If anyone’s interested I’ll leave you my email:
    paularrondo@vtr.net.

  6. Rob says:

    I have been reading up on narcs, and it’s true. There’s huge denial in realizing you are in an abusive relationship. How could this have happened to me? And you want to give them every benefit of the doubt, after all, we all have our own ways of coping with stress, and having aggressive outbursts in the name of Love — he’s just insecure and I have to make him feel more secure. (I am a little free spirited.) maybe I need to grow up, calm down.

    I took the bait of being a bad girlfriend because , even though my last relationship was a shitshow, that guy said a lot of the same negative crap about me. Maybe it is me. Im in denial that I had grown and gotten stronger, ready for a serious committed relationship. The least I could do in this relationship is see if I do need meds, because I was feeling crazy.

    I was in intensive outpatient care for anxiety and suicidal ideations for over a month and learned A LOT! I found myself venting and staff saying there’s red flags and supporting me getting away, then me defending him, saying, well you only know my side. (Got to cheer for the underdog, I do)

    I was diagnosed with complex ptsd and I know I’m an empapath. But I also know people want to blame the other person and don’t take angood hard look at their own shit. Maybe it’s me.

    I’d look up narcissists and just deny it, he was too in love w me, and not at the emotional and spiritual path as me, and he’s making me sick projecting his shit on me because he never had the union of family or bla bla. This post really has affected me. It pretty much validated verbatim many things that roll in my head. He stopped by yet again asking to talk and I negatively nodded and shit the garage and called the cops again. I have to get an order of protection. I really need to do this. He will never go away, especially if he doesn’t find another blind bat who only feels validation when making others happy. I’m done wasting my energy trying to solve the worlds problems. I need to start an energy free clean commune for like minds. God I am so alone. Thank you for sharing.

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