Narcissism and Trained Responses
I filed my taxes today. And Im freaking out because even though he informed me a couple weeks ago we would be filing separately, (didn’t ask or discuss, just told me thats what he was doing) I didn’t talk to him first and double check to make sure thats still the plan and that he really wanted to give up the extra tax credit we would get filing together. You know, like a normal married couple would.
And I’m realizing this is a trained response. He has conditioned me to worry about doing things without his permission SO WELL that even when Im going along with HIS PLAN Im nervous because I didn’t double check. And Im nervous even though I know I don’t care what his response is really, its not like Im worried about losing our relationship, or his “love” or “respect”. Its just a conditioned response.
Im also nervous because I finally, miraculously, got my own credit card he won’t ever know about. Its a concrete step, its a MAJOR step to rebuilding my credit, and I know he would be furious that I did it behind his back. I also know he would have it maxed out in two weeks if he knew it existed, so no matter what I can’t let him know. Its my safety net for now. And it actually the most money I have had at my disposal since I came back over a year ago. Sobering.
But back to conditioned responses, this is a major part of why its so hard to leave these people. Its financial abuse, in my case with these two examples, and I know this, yet it is still almost a COMPULSION to tell him. Maybe because a healthy relationship you SHOULD share these things, but more likely its the subconscious fear of his Rage that keeps me frozen.
I am so close to being able to get out of here and away from him and be fine. I found an apartment complex that will work great and accept lower than optimal credit, I have some money coming in and I have some really awesome things in the works for this site too (Cant WAIT!! 🙂 ) and Im still nervous, even though all I want is to never have to live with him again. Not nervous about my ability to survive, nervous about the actual act of leaving and of telling him its over. Its something Im going to need to face in order to get where I need to and want to be , but Im not looking forward to it at all…