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Narcissist- Just a Big BabyNarcissists-Big-Babies

I think, in reading about narcissism all over the web, that we have significantly blurred the lines between psychopathy and narcissism, and see them as the same. Certainly there are many psychopathic narcissists, but a lot of them are just people that were broken as kids and never grew up. Does this make them less damaging? Absolutely not. but i think it helps those who have been victimized to let it go and move on with their lives when they realize they are essentially dealing with an emotionally handicapped individual. its not that they choose not to see your pain, or have empathy for your situation, or care about your feelings in general. its just that they cant. They are stuck emotionally in toddler-hood. Would you fault your two year old for not understanding why mommy is so upset after they have been up all afternoon, tearing apart the house, had a screaming tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, spread toilet paper all over the house and then overflowed the toilet when they decided to “help” clean it up? Nope, probably not. You might wish they could see how frustrating they are, and how their behavior destroyed your day, but deep down you know they just are not cognitively able to do that and tell yourself that one day they will learn and things will be easier

But with a narc, they DON’T learn. Things will NEVER be easier. They are forever stuck emotionally in that two year old brain where the world revolves around them and their toys are theirs alone, and mommy takes care of them and does whatever they need. They are emotionally handicapped and you can not save them.

So, Now What?!

Knowing this does two things: number one, it releases you from guilt. Maybe, you keep thinking, that if you try harder, if your more attentive, if you were prettier or smarter or made more money then they would be better. But you don’t think that about a child. Rich children can be just as poorly behaved as poor children, often more so because they are NEVER denied. Beautiful men and women are cheated on all the time, just look at Hollywood. Housewives with housekeepers and cooks are still replaced because the Narcissist never got past the “MINE!” stage of childhood when they just take whatever they want.

Secondly, it helps you to forgive yourself, and them for what happened. Forgiveness is the only way to move on with your life. The more you hold on to what has happened, the more you die inside and cannot heal. Hate is a poison and it will destroy you as surely as if you were bitten by a snake. You cannot fault a snake for biting you as it is their nature, you cannot be angry at a blind man for being unable to see. Sadly, a narc is not different. They are not all evil monsters who are out to cause you horrible pain (though some are). Don’t get me wrong, they still WILL cause you horrible pain, but that is not their primary goal (usually, if you have made them mad, different story). In general, the narc doesn’t think “what can I do to hurt them?” They don’t think about you at all. They think about themselves. What THEY want, what THEY need, and if they don’t get it, they throw a temper tantrum until you give in. They make your life hell to control you, that’s it.

I Tried Too…

I cant tell you how many times over the years I tried to tell him I was an introvert, I was sensitive, I was TIRED, and it just never sank in. It was like it went in one ear and out the other. I would show him personality quizzes in hopes he would try and “get” me. I tried and tried and tried, thinking I wasn’t explaining myself well or wasn’t talking to him at the right times. Until I finally realized, he just didn’t care. I am not an autonomous person in his eyes. In his eyes I am wife, mother, housekeeper, person who brings in more money so he can play. If I don’t fall neatly into his image of what those roles are, he can not handle it and flips out. That is narcissism. The life view that they and only they matter and that they are the center of their own universe. Every other disordered part of themselves stems from that understanding. I would use the word “belief” but that implies that this is something that can change. It is not. The pathways for emotional growth and development in their brain are broken. And they can not grow back.

When we try and see these people as normal, our brains just cant do it. We end up ping-ponging back and forth between they love me, no they hate me, they’re horrible, no their wonderful, until we actually lose our minds and give up. We start thinking were the ones with mental problems and we become so emotionally exhausted we cant even get upset anymore. Then when we come across these articles and say, “OMG they are a Narcissist! And they HATE me! I’m living with a monster!!” And the horror of it crushes us all over again. We start to feel like there is nothing we can do, we start to live in fear of what they will do when/if we were to leave. How will the children react? Will I lose them too? Is it too late? I don’t have a job or money or… and we drown ourselves in fear and insecurity. That is not to say that leaving would be easy, but, when you distance yourself from them by seeing them for what they really are it gives you a chance to breathe, to manage them as much as you can by treating them like toddlers, and to regain your footing in life a little before you jump out on your own.


All this being said, please don’t take this to say that as long as you placate them you can have a good relationship and be happy. That’s just not true. As much fun as they can be when your being good to them, as fantastic as the “love” is, they will never be capable of really loving you, or of having a real relationship with you. For me, I think about what would happen if I were sick again. I’ve been in the hospital before, and he was less than sympathetic to say the least. He told everyone about my embarrassing medical problem, though I told him I wanted it private, he bugged me constantly about when I could leave and how I should be pushing the doctors to figure out what was wrong with me sooner so I could go home. There was no understanding of how much pain I was in, how tired and drained I was, or even concern about me being pregnant at the same time! I was the three most awful days of my life. What if it was worse? Then what? I would have no support or help. Basically, I had to ask myself, what is he giving to me? Is this a real relationship or is it all one sided? Is that something that I can accept, or should accept?

Don’t waste your life with someone who isn’t going to be there for you, who has no interest in really knowing you, who can never get past the superficial. Don’t waste your pity thinking they will be alone forever now either. Despite what they may tell you about you being the only marriage they will ever have, sadly there are no shortage of suckers lined up waiting to bask in the neon glow of a Narcissist, with no idea (or care) of what they’re really getting into. They will be just fine, and so will you.



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15 thoughts on “Narcissist- Just a Big Baby

  1. Vicky says:

    This article has completely opened my eyes, I think my husband is a narcissist. I have a MH diagnosis and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be so unwell at times if it wasn’t for our relationship. I’ve read your other articles too and it’s like you have lived my life along side me. The egg shells, control, public tantrums designed to control me completely…..and it has sadly. ‘Forced’ me into joint finances and a strict budget when I was in hospital with depression, wanted to take me to Venice after 3 dates, the list goes on and on.
    It’s so difficult to balance everything in my head because I just don’t trust myself anymore. Hasn’t helped that I felt I had to leave therapy and change psychiatrist due to their lack of understanding about the situation and criticism of me staying stuck. I’m terrified to leave and terrified to stay, and at the same time trying to look after 2 young kids, house, all chores etc whilst he just works and rarely helps with anything.

    Thank you for writing this, I’m hoping that it’ll give me the strength to take action and make the plans I’ve been putting off out of guilt and confusion about the real issues.

  2. Sharon says:

    Thank you for this article. It is like you were telling my story! I think there is a little more going on with my husband then just being narcissists because he is also very volatile. I never know from day to day or sometimes minute to minute what to expect. If somethings makes him mad he is throwing a fit and sometimes throwing things, calling me horrible names and screaming like a child. He controls his paycheck by not giving me access to our bank account. I do have an account of my own that he does not know about but I don’t make the income that he does. Every time I find the account number I use it to order things I need on line he changes the account so I have to start over and hope he leaves his wallet where I can find it again. He is always saying things like” if you don’t like it here you can leave, this is my house.” Like I am going to leave my home because he says so. He calls me every name in the book all of the time and tells me to drop dead the sooner the better. It cuts like a knife! After years of trying to figure him out I feel that I now know what he is now. I know he will never change and doesnt care to. He treats me like dirt. I only speak to him when I have to. I dont say anything I dont have to. I dont ask permission to do anything I want to anymore. I used to feel that I had to glue myself to my home because he used to steal my daughters clothes and wear them. He would defecate in them, it was beyond belief. He still steals my clothes when I am not at home. My daughters are grown and out of the home now . He goes to the the thrift store and buys womens clothes and hides them. It really has destroyed any intimate feeling that I could possibly have for him. I dont lik him to touch me anymore which really makes him mad. When I told him if he wanted to be perverted like that then dont touch me. He told me I could not control him, I made my decision right that moment that he could not control me either and have not let him touch me. It is a battle to keep him away sometimes. I dream of the day when I will be able to get away from all of this hell. My son is now 17 and graduates next year. He has Aspergers and ADHD. He is high functioning, thank the lord. I just pray he is able to go to college and have a productive life. One day I want my own life then I get scared and think how will I be able to do it on my own. He is my second marriage, we have been married for 17 years but together for 21 years. I did not want to marry him for I had a feeling there was more going on that I could not put my finger on at that moment but I was pregnant and we need the insurance to cover his birth. It has been hell since then. I feel damaged.

  3. Deloris Chabek says:

    The tears kept swelling up as I read this, (knowing that I had stumbled across “narcissist” a few years back) why didn’t I keep looking for the answer to what I was going through !? Why was he “like that”!? 7 yrs (2yrs married) later and he believes I don’t deserve any portion of the house…walk away with what we came in with. During our 7 years, I gave away my king size bed, bedroom furniture(my son’s room contents as well) living room, kitchen….I was attached to some things and kept them…like spatulas, filet knives…gave away my craftsman tools (he had everything there at “OUR” house!)
    We are in middle of divorce, I’m scared, lost feeling (hiding), sad, I just don’t understand or know what to do. I’m tired, I’m just so tired of the hurting. Can’t seem to get help with this, and am fast losing the strength to continue (even though I know it’s what he counts on) physically, mentally, emotionally. I need
    Thank you so much for writing this, my heart goes out to all !

    1. Peggy says:

      Oh Delores I feel so bad for you as I was reading your post. I wish I could just give you a great big hug and tell you everything will be fine. Revenge sounds appropriate but the best revenge is living well, even if you have to pretend. That will drive him crazy. Wish I can help.

    2. Cristina says:

      My heart goes out to you, I was in a 4 year relationship with a narcissist and it was nothing but pain and hell. He emotionally and verbally Abused me. He showed absolutely no empathy or remorse to the pain I was going through. I was holding on to the “beautiful memories” we shared. The most painful part of everything was when I finally realized that he has never loved me or cared for me. I could not believe that the person who I loved more than life itself, absolutely had zero empathy for me. you’re not alone, we all practically have the exact same story. Just do what I had to do, which was beyond painful and let go and and never look back. As soon as I did that it was like I released myself from my own prison.

      1. Elaine says:

        I cannot believe what I am reading it is my life exactly!! Unfortunately I have been dealing with it for 20 years our two children are now 17 and 13 and unfortunately one has been his scapegoat and one has been his champion. We have all been mentally abused. They are both miserable and have both asked me to leave him on several occasions!! I divorced him for one year, then remarried him! I still stick around this is it I have to go for my sanity!! I have been diagnosed with anxiety and anything else you can name I’ve had thyroid issues related to stress I’ve had a mild heart attack this relationship is literally killing me mentally and physically! I must go anyone else in that situation please think of yourselves and your children and leave! Don’t wait till you feel like you have totally lost yourself in their narcissistic insanity!!

        1. Lauren says:

          We are living parallel lives! My kids are the SAME exact ages as yours and I, too, divorced my (covert victim) narc only to remarry him again– and now I have an anxiety disorder! He is on his way out for the final time! I have had enough and I know I deserve better than the crumbs he throws me. You, do, too.

    3. Julie says:

      I was with a narcissist for 26 years I didn’t know at the time but when he finally had an affair that’s when I divorced him I felt nothing about him being with another woman I was just exhausted. I feel alive again now, and feel better knowing it was not my fault. I told his new woman to becareful that he is s narcissist and will never have any feelings I just hope after the honeymoon period wears off she will understand because she is now going to have same life I had ( just wish I knew earlier)

  4. Healed says:

    I was in a verbally, emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive relationship/marriage. I was diagnosed with severed C-PTSD which included vomiting panic attacks. I could take no meds as I was pregnant with his child when he kicked me out! Besides drinking lots of water when in panic mode, I found something else that worked more than anything has ever worked for me and I want you and your readers to know about it. They are called ‘click tracks’ and you can download some of them for free at http://www.pstec.org. I tell you, before God, these things saved my life and took the sting out of the N’s evil words and PROJECTED accusations. I hope you all can find the same relief I did. I am VERY happy today and these click tracks helped me to heal quickly. I now know it was ALL him, not me, that was crazy and an ‘N’. Please, try these click tracks. Don’t waste your time with EMDR as it takes way too long. Do them a couple of times while recounting the painful words/memories. Within a day you will be amazed how much better you feel. They literally scramble all the painful memories!! Blessing to you all!

  5. Cathy says:

    Yes you pretty much nailed it. I’ve been with mine for 25 years. Only child, severe Mama’s Boy, parents both very narcissistic, everything revolves around them and money. I didn’t realize the truth about him until about 5 years ago. Once I was able to confront him with facts, that’s when he realized he couldn’t get away with lying anymore. That’s when he started striking out and saying the awfullest things….I was devastated. Over time I realized he’s been lying to me since day one. He’s been slandering me and my relatives for years. There has ALWAYS been some other woman, at the workplace, that he’s at least lusted after. He always denies any physical contact, even though one of these women went out to his parents’ house under a ruse, to introduce herself, and struck up a relationship/friendship with my MIL. But I’m supposed to believe there was no affair though this other woman told folks in the workplace that they were having an affair….mm-hmm. He instigated all the mistreatment and hate I received from his parents. He made it clear to me while sitting with my counselor that he values the cattle on the farm more than me, and later said he expected me to be dead by now. When I told my counselor, she questioned him on it, and he tried to deny any memory of saying that….typical. The first weapon in his arsenal is always denial/don’t remember. He was lusting after a girl 18 years younger than himself at that time. I was so depressed that I was willing myself to die, and I felt the Lord speak to my heart and said, “you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free”…that was before all the revelation about the narcissist. Over the next 2 months or so, things started to unfold and I realized the marriage was such a lie. I thought I’d die from heartache. I questioned how I was being set free in this nightmare, when I couldn’t get out??? Over time, I’ve seen and understood more, once I started reading about narcissistic personality disorder. It’s taken a while but I am working on regaining my confidence. I don’t see being able to work in the near future, but that’s on the back burner for now. I have to be at peace, regardless of what’s going on around me, and I do agree that you really have to close the gate on your buttons, and don’t allow him to push them. The blessing in this mess is that I have come to view these people more objectively, and see them for the weak, insecure beings that they really are. I am indeed getting stronger in some areas. His abuse isn’t overt; he’s a coward and therefore the damage is mostly done behind my back. But the victory in that sort of thing is not caring what they say. It has hurt my feelings how I’ve been mistreated by people who don’t know me at all, just judging me by what they’ve apparently been told. But I have no control over their opinions. Just realizing what it takes to believe a lie about someone you’ve never met, tells me I don’t need to give a damned about those people. Unfortunately, most folks see them as wholesome, down-to-earth farm folk. Very charming and friendly, and very able to play the role of wholesome, honest, frugal folk. I was taken in by it, and I’ve been around farm folk all my life. I’ve seen a lot of hypocrisy in my small-town/ rural life. I’m going through the “I’m so stupid, how could I be so blind” phase. I’m sure I’ll get through it in time. So now I search for things inside myself that needs balanced. Lesson learned.

  6. Dad says:

    My goodness.
    Reading your article gave me chills as I am almost exactly as you have written been treated. The scary part is that its my wife who has the disorder. The words and scenarios said to me are as if taken directly from books and its driven me nuts knowing Im a great man who knew nothing of how volitile this is.

    There has to be some positive way for me to shed some light on my wife’s condition.
    Its killing our family and my greatest fear is who my daughter will become now that she has control and I’m gone.

    Please give me something positive that can come to light through this.

  7. RA says:

    Thank u x

  8. Caroline Coyle says:

    Why are all sites mostly talking about relationsships and mostly refer to The narcissist as “He”? My mother and sister are narcissists it’s so much more complicated. I have recently freed myself. Broken all contact. I am 40 years old and finally i can see clearly and have answers for all og my qustions for the last 40 Years.
    I have no longer any family,friends or husband/boyfriend. NOT able to. Have PTSD and more so can’t work. I am a dentist and fought to get my degree. Thought it could save me!
    I could go on and on. I wish to hear of others groning up in A narcissistic family.


  9. Isobella says:

    This was such a great article. I have been to hell and back wasting the best years of my life with a BPD who had very strong narcissistic behaviour too. 25 years! (Married young, 3 children, thought I had to marry for better or worse etc) I met a wonderful man a few years ago. He seemed to be everything that my husband wasn’t. Where exH was a type A personality, huge in size, lied his way through life and with a need to dominate every aspect of my life, the most recent man in my life who I’ll refer to as Narc was of slight build, gentle and open and seemed so honest. Boy, was I wrong. He gradually reverted to a person that I didn’t know. I got out after 5 years. What a chilling and disturbing experience. How I managed to get involved with his act I just cant understand. I am an intelligent, professional, extremely capable woman. I’m in the medical profession, so yes I love to be understanding etc. Two bigger man/ children you would never have met. My little grandchildren are kinder and throw fewer tantrums than these two narcissists.
    Thank you for your wonderful article. I’m still studying how to avoid these demons.

  10. LISA says:


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