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Narcissistic Betrayal

Narcissistic Betrayal

Narcissistic Betrayal~ I have recently began to wonder at what point you define betrayal in your marriage. Of course, sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse is probably the major, inarguable one. But what about shaming your spouse in front of your friends. What about confiding all your marital troubles in a “friend” of the opposite sex? What about inappropriate friendships that maybe don’t cross the line to physical, but are inappropriately close? And what if your spouse (who is doing these things) is a narcissist?

I would say, I definitely FEEL betrayed. I really thought I didn’t care if he cheated, I wouldn’t feel any worse about him. Come to find out, that isn’t true. I haven’t found any solid evidence, but texting your co-manager that you miss their face, complaining that your wife is a pig, doesn’t take care of the house or the children, and texting cute funny pictures to each-other sounds like hes got a bit more going on than he should. And you know what? I feel sick. And angry. And so disappointed.

I only ever wanted one thing, to have a happy marriage, kids, and be a family. He has STOLEN that from me. My one dream, I can never have it. I can have a version of it, later maybe, with another guy, but babies? Again? I cant do it again, I cant start over. And my girls will never have a Dad they can fully trust. And I hate him for it. I know now with full certainty, I will never forgive him for all hes done. I will never trust him. I will never let him back into my heart. He might as well be dead to me for all the chance he has of earning me back. And so, I will just continue with my plan to leave, and pray hes not doing the same…



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35 thoughts on “Narcissistic Betrayal

  1. Steve says:

    I struggle with this as well. As I have become a less ‘reliable’ supply for her as I put up additional boundaries she has started to seek out emotional relationships with tennis and dance partners. I don’t believe she has had sex with any of the men but she definitely seeks attention both physical and emotional from them. I have seen them hug more times in a night than she and I do in a month. And she uses them to complain about what a horrible abusive husband I am. We are now separated, I no longer pursue her and have asked her to not contact me until she wants ME. The current guy seems to be an excellent source (and he fits the mold as a narc source almost as well as I do) for her so I have to just live my life the best way I can.

    I have set myself twelve goals that I work towards daily to keep my motivation and self-confidence up. In my case I have decided to not seek divorce or the arms of another. I made a commitment to love and cherish her in sickness and health and good times and bad. I really hope to honor that commitment even if I never feel the touch of another woman. Sure I’m lonely at times but I know I working to be the best me.

    I wish the best for all here and appreciate the blog.

    1. Tanie says:

      Why would you not divorce? Especially if she is with another man. Why torture yourself. Your promise to her does not mean any thing. Who cares if you think, I don’t want to be accused of ending the marriage. There is no marriage on her end. Be done with this abusive relationship.

    2. Cherish Iler says:

      I made those same promises. I never married to get divorced. One day I realized, I was the only one in that marriage. I did not marry the evil being that invaded my home and in prisoned me. The man I fell in love with was now only a costume worn by the devil. The love of my life was dead, murdered by the very wicked beast that was slowly and methodically torturing me until I died.
      I chose to LIVE. I may not have much of a life yet, but I have been learning to live with the scars. Everyday I am praising God, knowing how blessed I am. I escaped from a decade in Hell and I lived to tell about it.

      1. Kim says:

        OMG. You sound exactly like me and where I am in my marriage. I am so glad you have escaped. I am still in hell.

      2. Daughter of a narc says:

        You are poetic and write my truth in such color I am amazed. Maybe you should write a book!

  2. Christine says:

    Omg on our 15th anv I read a text over his shoulder to a 23 year old girl saying he missed her face. It broke me and started the process inside me It I really get out of this situation and as age away from him as I can.

    1. Daughter of a narc says:

      My sins 16th Birthday my narc was f-omg a 23 year old. That’s ok…. I tortured him back by dating a 20 year younger than me for 7 years after divorce that was satisfying. No young ones no more but it felt great at the time.

  3. Lou says:

    i know exactly how you feel. I am so so damn angry at what he has taken – most of all my ability to trust. He had no right to take that from us.

    1. Lin says:

      I read your comment every night. How what we planned was stolen. My husband that I chose to leave is a physician and chronic drug addict with the latest relapse 3 years on opiates. And when given a chance save the marriage and family by seeking treatment he refused and turned it all on me. I can never forgive him. And finding out even more betrayel with money and cruelty in this divorce has made me feel so lost. I have my 4 older kids and they are my priority and I’ll get better for them

    2. KK says:

      After the big storm past the narcissist left is devastation. Emotionally and your brain drain. Mine end up chesting sith his co worker “licing the life” but he told me he chest to set me free. She defend her even knowing she was with him and another married man- his response to that? She need married matures mans no ignorant singles. She has a 4 years old with another man from her past poor kid… My ex husband was number 4 in a very short amount of time and told me once ” she cares about her son, but I am first”yes u end so drain mentally that after divorced you blame your self you beg him u stop and value your self for short amount of time but the feeling of guilty, lonlyness make you go depress one more time. Is a cicle that require effort good family and friends supoort terapist medicine and over all of that God. Otherwise you can end on ugly deep pression, want stop living or simple be step away of be insane. The true get distorted. Healing from a relation like that is a challenge. I dont see to much light at the end of the tunnel but I hope see it soon. No kids thank God. But between friends boyfriend and girfriend fiance and 7 years married. Is a decade that I waste loving so much someone in reality I never knew. People who know him said he is a sociopath narcissist. Is hard but we can learn and figth to be ourselfs again.

    3. Gaey says:

      It seems like I’m the only man on here that has had problems with a woman and her narcissistic behavior and Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a term I just recently learned and let me tell you I finally have a understanding of her behaviors. I seen all the red flags in the beginning but somehow she always had a explaination or twist to the circumstances that made me not see so clearly.
      About 2 weeks ago I had enough with the lies, insincere apologies, half truths, her expectations to be treated a certain way but never give back even close to the same treatment and love.it all was just adding up way too quick I knew I was being lied to I felt like she had somebody else and at this point I’m pretty sure she did. Like I said she left two weeks ago she hasn’t called she hasn’t answered the text she hasn’t I’ve been in touch with me or like I said responded to one message. I finally decided I’m not calling anymore I’m done I need to move on. best relationship I thought was in the most loving one’s I’ve had but over time it just ate away from me any advice would help. I know she has somebody else to give her that attention that she needs because I stopped giving it to her. We made a lot of promises to each other we were supposed to get married they just started falling apart I don’t know why I stayed so long and I’m beating myself up over it

  4. Sophia says:

    O my gosh. U are my angel….21yrs on and off I have dealt with this pure tragic misery. Thank u for blogging this. I have read psych books about narcs but nothing boils it down to this. The u again

  5. Drophammer77 says:

    It’s nearly impossible to explain what is happening behind closed doors. Any acts of Love to a Narc is weakness. I forgave my wife of her affair. I thought I had enough love to carry the both of us. What I got in return is being called the woman of our marriage. Told to Man-Up. To grow a pair of balls. 15years, 2 kids & I’m tearing up inside because I thought it was real. Blamed for her unhappiness. Now we’re going through divorce initiated by her & she is still with her affair partner who is married & kids. The damage that comes from their actions. Sacrificed everything for my wife & in the end the Manipulation is catostophic. To be told from my wife that I’m a great father, good husband, & good man, but I’m just not happy & I have to find myself… Nice. Outwardly appearance is everything to them. Now it’s try & destroy & take everything we have built to try & justify her behavior that I’m some sort of monster. It’s horrible.

    1. Audrey Lee says:

      Thank you for the article. It sums up so much so well.

      Drophammer77 I don’t see many guys dealing with this issue. I hope it gets better for you, I appreciate your perspective. Someday I look forward to finding a guy who has been thru this misery so we have similar baggage and hard-earned widsom to enjoy together.

      1. Strong says:

        Audrey Lee it happens to a lot of us guys but you just don’t hear about it because ‘It’s always the women who are the victims’ who do we talk to, no resources for us, and instead of sympathy there are snickers and disbelief. We do suffer the same emotions, depression and anxiety, but because we are the ‘men’ we have to ‘toughen up and grow some balls’ (21 men a week suicide in Australia because of marriage/custody issues, and the media is silent ). I still had to try to function at work wondering if today is going to be that day that you get that phone call from the police telling you that your kids have been injured or worse by your narc spouse. It’s very debilitating mentally, emotionally, spirituality and physically. For 18 months my 4 kids and I put up with this abuse and cheating before she settled down and at the moment things seem fine for now, until next time at least.

    2. s_W says:

      15yrs, two kids. I was ‘checked out’ of our marriage for about 12yrs. I married my job. I never cheated physically with another woman. I did use pornography, instead of my beautiful wife.
      Eventually she had an affair. Lied about it for over a year, detail by detail leaked out. As sick as it sounds being cheated on I needed closure to details she would not provide.
      Something changed inside her. I knew she was borderline narc. (Classic signs- only child, dad issues, sexually traumatized, spoiled, every boyfriend used her and treated her as a trophy).
      After the affair I saw the change in her……….the narc got way WORSE! Blamed me for EVERYTHING!! The drama triangle happened over and over. I saw mood swings and I knew her guilt was killing her. I knew her self confidence and self-worth was eroded. She masked all of it by beautifying herself and always seeking admiration for her looks. Then her “self empowered” took over, she was capable of anything……had big dreams and ideas. All the while I held a full time job and worked countless overtime and extra jobs to do “family fun times” and pay extra bills. She was a damn good mother!!!!
      The blaming and projection onto me was intense. I was told how unhappy she was and I needed to do more to make her feel appreciated. I did ALL of the yard work, cooking more meals, cleaning more inside. I spent more time with kids to give her ‘space’. I love her so much that I was willing to do ALL of it. I’m human, I cant take 3yrs of non-stop abuse of how terrible a husband I was to her yet she dismissed her betrayal as “my fault”. Her mood swings shifted even worse. (Monday she was nice, Tuesday-Friday completely Mrs Jekyle. I thought I was going insane. We separated for 6 mos. I finally told her I was ‘done’ after I begged, showered her with anything and everything….all the stuff a pathetic husband is not supposed to do. I admit…..she pushed my buttons and then after yelling at me and calling me names I did the same. Then, pointed at me and called me an emotional abuser. WOW. Gaslight, played on my insecurities, charmed me, etc. All of it.
      I’m so brainwashed it will take a long time to feel normal. Sad to say, I love her….so twisted but I live for her affectionate bread crumbs…………… Now her mommy & daddy are paying a high-powered attorney to take as much as they can from me……. Lucky for me I’m heading for divorce. So sad. Thx for my rant.

  6. Sick and tired says:

    Hi, I’m a stay at home mom with 2 kids. I’m 100% reliant on him finacially. My name is not in anything including his bank account and I’m not allowed to have a debit card. He is mean to our kids but if my oldest says anything to him he says that she only says that because I have or that I “made” her say it. Every single tiny thing is my fault, he is never wrong and certainly will never admit to it. He puts me down and says horrible things about me but then tells me that he never said it ir I misunderstood it, or that I only hear what I want to hear. It makes it even worse because his mother and a lot of his family are exactly the same way and I become the bad guy if I stand up for myself against any of them. I feel absolutely trapped and I’m so stressed 24/7 that it’s affecting me physically. My hair is falling out by the clumps, I can’t ever sleep, I always feel like I have to be looking over my shoulder. I don’t have anyone to help me as he’s been successful in chasing everyone away. I don’t have money for a lawyer or any place to stay. I’m desperate to be free of this and be happy with my babies and have peace but I have no where to turn for help. I’ve been around in circles for years and it doesn’t seem like there’s much help out there for people in my situation. If you csn offer any suggestions or advice PLEASE do! I can’t live like this anymore.

    1. Tanie says:

      I hope by now you have been able to get out. If not I recommend shelter for abused and battered women. Don’t have to have bruises to be abused. Going to a police station they know where the places are located. Hospitals is another. I hope you are able to get out. Can you get a loan, or a credit card w/o him knowing. The c.c apps that come in the mail. One with his and your name. Then you have more credit. Do what you can to leave.

    2. Kim says:

      Did you find a way out??!! I totally sympathize with you and what you are going through. Unfortunately I am living the nightmare that I can never wake up from as well. They never change. You are always to blame. They constantly insult you in sly sleazy ways then deny they said it. We argue for hours over what he said, then he admits he said “something” but nothing near to what he actually said. He Tells me that the demons in my head are making me believe that he said something he never said. He recently told me on the phone from work that 2 people he knows think I am bipolar. I called my Bipolar friend and told her and we laughed about it. I texted him that I will start seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor immediately for my bipolar disorder. I let him know how much that would cost him per month for therapy. When he arrived home He denied ever saying it. He said demons are messing around with me and making me think I hear things. It will never end. I cannot convince him of anything ever. He Literally can kick a bucket over and then five minutes later ask who kicked the bucket over and when I tell him he did it he tells me I’m lying. He has an ability to gaslight like no one I’ve ever seen. He is a master at history rewriting. And he is messing up my children’s lives because he has turned his evil and demented mind on them now.

    3. Traci McGough says:

      Please go to a shelter. Please. For your Children’s sake. I am fortunate to have family to help. But you MUST get out!!!! I will pray for you. I know your pain. My gosh I wish I could personally help you. Please be brave, save your kids and get to a shelter. Xo

  7. Carol says:

    Leaving my narristic husband of 38 years of marriage. 42 years together. Everything you discribed is my husband. Ive had enough of the bs at age 58. Plus he has himself his hairdresser girlfriend of 38 years now. All the best to her she and him are good for each other. She comes from a long line of abusive relationships. I’m now looking forward to peace in my life and not living his life anymore…although he feels i don’t derserve anything and that i went for a free ride. I stuck by him raised his children and am still working. At least i have a pension his hairdresser gilfriend has none. Thankyou for this great article..

    1. Laurie Riggs says:

      I too am leaving a narcissist after 38 years, I have to live for myself now. I just couldn’t and wouldn’t live his life any longer.

  8. -Married a Monster who destroyed my life says:

    So this is what my nightmare husband is called — a narc. This monster has taken away my dream of family life. Taken away the fact that I always wanted a fine example for my sons (he once told my son if he married a woman like me he would slit his throat!) That my sons are now full of confusion and hatred for him yet still they still desire the closeness of a father. I now see my monster-husband who has robbed me of my dreams and the best years of my life has a name-narc. After 25 years of marriage this excuse of a man is called a narc. Family was everything to me. I had three beautiful sons and had my whole life planned.

    When we first decided to get married I could not understand why during our engagement I later found out he fathered a child. That two years later during my first pregnancy on the way home from the hospital he was caught cheating with a woman on his job and was accused of sexually attacking several women on the job. That the very next year while pregnant with my my second son he was caught in another woman’s house. That 9 years later while I was pregnant with my third son he was caught emailing tons of women and having sexual conversations with them, seeking admiration from them and requesting and describing sexual escapades while telling them he was lonely and hated his marriage so they would have sex with him as this poor victim — multiple women. I always knew he was insecure and at times an obnoxious, arrogant authoritative man but I did not know he was certifiably sick. I did sometimes feel he was not right at times as I often fell to my knees during each pregnancy after realizing that he had cheated. At times I thought I would die of a heart attack with the low blows he would shoot out of his mouth attacking me as a woman– educationally, spiritually, financially and as a mom. I will never forgive him for how he has confused and hurt my sons to the point where they are permanently damaged. At 24, 23 and 14 I wonder if they can ever recover. It seems all the material (I now stay up late at night reading everything about narcs) say that if I am to save myself and the pieces of my sons, I am to get away AS QUICKLY as possible. That the only solution is to leave. The pain is indescribable. He does nothing in the house but wants to appear busy. He has many electronic devices — all of which have been used at one time or the other to communicate inappropriately to women.

    When I forgave him so many times in the past he said the women meant nothing and he knew it was his own shortcoming in that he said he only talked to them to make him feel good and feed his ego. I can’t decide whether I should just continue to organize my thoughts and wait for him to slowly leave as I continue to demonstrate my “non-love” for him (which is really disguised hate) or whether I should tell him to get the hell out and not wait for him to just decide on his own to up and leave one day. I hate him every time I look at him yet I felt our love was so real that I do not want to cry because I feel I won’t be able to stop. He is not a man with a problem. He is a problem who was trying to disguise himself as a man and now I have to make a decision of how to get rid of him. How could I not have seen this? How did I marry such a sick person? I can’t believe I married this mistake. Any thoughts on whether it is better to wait a narc out or get rid of them like they are a disease that will continue to slowly kill me and my environment? So please if you read this Ms. Matthews “Narcissistic-wife” do you have any suggestions?

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      I spent a lot of time waiting for him to leave, since he threatened to so often. so much emotions wasted freaking out when he would storm out of the house after yelling that he hated me or wanted a divorce. Got to the point I started hoping he was serious, but he never was. it was a manipulation/ control ploy, that’s all.

      If you want out, you will have to leave. And don’t blame yourself, you had no idea what you were getting into with this guy and by the time you realized, he had already started breaking you down. Prayers with you!

      1. Cynlbrtd says:

        30 years in same thing storming out late at night and me freaking out he wouldnt even answer my calls or texts “silent treatment”! Turns out he was fu@#ing the pathetic lonely married neighbor right across the street. Oh and he constantly reminds me of how ALL the women in this town want him! I said then get on down the road! Couldnt one of these Perfect women possibly take his sorry ass in? Well, he’s still here, wont leave nor move to a separate bedroom!WTF! IM SO DONE!

        We truly deserve better than this! They get WORSE with age hes 52!

    2. Tanie says:

      Married a Monster. I hope you are leaving him. I can’t imagine the turmoil you are in. Your kids will have resentment. However, you are the example they need to see. Leave him!! Let them see a woman who has been beaten down make a statement by doing and saying enough is enough. Your sons may date similar people to their father. Put up with abuse or demeaning. You and they are better than this. I read what you wrote and you have been abused to long. Don’t be the victim be the survivor. You don’t need this monster in your life. Neither do your sons.

    3. Daughter of a narc says:

      Why did you stay ?? The first cheat he would be down the road… I can’t swallow betrayal… how can you trust a man like that with your life? He could hurt you or leave you at your frailest one day. You should have left long ago…now go.

  9. Anne says:

    I read your articles and I see my past. I hear what you are saying and I understand your pain so profoundly.
    I was a child of a narcissist. And I married one.
    My life was discussed at nauseum by my ex-husband and his family. The things they discussed about me were things that I told him in trust.
    I read your article about narcisistic betrayal and I was reading my life there in black and white. My ex-husband also betrayed me by having multiple affairs. The thing is with narcissists is that they are above the rules. Sometimes (most times) above the law or so they think.
    I want to encourage you to leave. I know the pain of staying. I watched my mother for 43 years, “stay”. Don’t. I implore you. For your sanity and for your children’s well being.
    I want to thank you for your writing. Thank you because there are emotions that even years later you feel like you were the crazy one. Even though you are just a normal person trying to live with someone who is ill. You are not the professional they need to “get better”. Believe me.
    Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope this helps others find the courage to leave and move on with their lives away from their narcissistic spouses.
    I also hope that you have been able to get away. Sending you hope, love and understanding.

  10. Cherish Iler says:

    Six years ago I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. I remember sitting in the chair, hearing those words, I shook my head and thought, that poor thing. What a long road she has to travel. I never returned to the counseling I had so desperately needed. I had checked out, so to speak, the moment those words hit my ears. In my mind I had instantly become a person of moral support rather than be what I was, a victim.

    Over the next two years I had fought hard to get my relationship to a “good” place. I got comfortable and never saw it coming. The drama that would unfold is something movies and books are made from. Noone believing the things I told them could possibly be true. Fortunately, I had a couple of witnesses to coroborate the things I experienced. Otherwise I don’t know that I would have ever been believed.

    I learned after years with this man that if he accused me of something, that meant he was guilty. Although he would spin his web of verbal insanity that left me feeling guilty and begging for forgiveness, I finally realized I was onto something. One day he came to my home because he “loves” me and was “trying so hard to save our relationship”. In that exchange he called me a narcissistic pyschopath. And there it was, the ANSWER!!!! I did not know exactly what a narcissist was. I had always thought it was a fancy word for asshole. I was close, that’s for sure. I have spent the last 8 months reading everything I can about C-PTSD and Narcissim. It is surreal to me; the ten years I spent in Hell, the disorder I now suffer from, the true definition of a narcissist, and the fact that I survived the nightmare when I should be dead.
    Although I do not like to read that other women and children have suffered from narcissistic abuse, I do find solace in knowing that I am not crazy, that there are people who know exactly the hell I’ve lived, and that there is hope when I once thought I had none.

  11. Summer says:

    After 15 years and 3 kids later of being with my bf ive finally found out this is exactly what he is. It breaks my heart to know that the person who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with is a monster. I want to be with him so bad but know its not healthy to stay.

  12. Christy says:

    My Narcissistic “soul mate”, that I’ve known since we were 12 and have a daughter together wastes 15 yrs of my life for his own selfish needs. I got sick and diagnosed with Lupus 3 yrs ago and had to quit my job. That’s when it really kicked in. Most days I didn’t know which way was up or down. The arrogance was astounding to me. And of course I’m the only one who got to see this side of him. To everyone else he’s the greatest guy who was taking care and supporting “the lazy bitch who wouldn’t do anything to help him”. He turned everyone against me. Then one night after he threw a 5ft fan at me I ran out to the garage and swallowed a bottle of pills. The sick part was that I was doing it to make his life better. He knew what I was doing. (I thought he had left). But he was 10 ft away in living room when the fire department and ambulance showed up. Just sitting on the couch like he didn’t know what was going on. He changed locks on house while I was in the hospital and then had me evicted 2 days after Thanksgiving. Still I’m the “bad guy” and he’s the hero. I don’t hate him anymore, I pity him. Because I know how full of insecurities he has. I never lashed out or acted like he told people I did. I moved quietly. I refused to become the person he told everyone I was , even though he tried and tried to get me to react in some crazy way. I learned the one thing a narcissist hates the most is “silence”. And I was as quiet as a church mouse. I do wish I could be a fly on the wall when life slaps him in the face and he has to answer for what he’s done. Maybe it’s wrong but I don’t care. It’s not up to me to make sure it happens just like it wasn’t my job to make him happy, but I know the day will come when life bitch slaps him like the bitch he is.

    1. Daughter of a narc mom says:

      That’s harsh… I await karma too.. so many people deserve the pain they put others through…

  13. Daughter of a narc mom says:

    Damn girl I can relate- sadly I am surrounded by narcissists. The only two non narcissists have passed ( my sister last week ). I am so sorry but no I can’t forgive somethings either but I did get two great kids out of it and I’m making a new dream. I do feel like my life was stolen from me because all I wanted was the be in love and grow old with your family thing. Ahhh, I guess that wasn’t in the plan for me either and after 7 years I’m over it. I don’t want the dream anymore.

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