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I have been living in a bubble. I think that was probably foolish of me, to let my gaurd down and just live for a while, but I think I had to. What is life if you spend it all living in fear of what could happen? And what’s the point of leaving a narcissist if you’re just going to keep living like he’s (or she) is still following you?

Sadly though, its kind of the truth. Because he cant‘ just let me go live my life and be happy. If I’m happy without him than that means that it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to be married, that I would rather be alone. It means that he was a horrible husband, who treated me like shit, and that I found someone else who actually loves me, protects me and makes me happy. It also means I found someone who isn’t afraid of him, won’t be intimidated by his bullshit, and won’t leave me just because my ex is totally obsessed with his own importance. Basically, he is still fixated on me, even though he’s married to a new woman (and has been since just 3 or 4 months after our divorce was final).

Revenge For My Happiness

Ive done my best to totally seperate myself from him, I don’t get alimony or child support. We have no assets together, I don’t even have the car I had when we were married anymore (mostly because it broke down AGAIN, so Im using my partners’ car until I can get my credit up enough to afford a new one). The one and only hold he has on my life is the kids. And he knows it. So now he’s trying to take them from me.

It’s unreal to even write that, sitting in the court office with him the other day I honestly couldn’t even believe what was going on. That he was saying I’m a bad mother, that we need a child family investigator, that he thinks he would be a better full-time parent and I don’t deserve to have my kids, that his new wife would be a fine replacement for their real mother. There was no thought for what the girls would want either.

Obviously, He’s a Liar

And the thing that makes me the most angry is that he knows its all bullshit. The ONLY reason he’s doing this is to try and get control. He’s punishing me for moving 45 minutes away and starting a new life, with a new man, and he pissed off that my kids love my partner and his kids. How dare I succeed without him? I was supposed to be drowning and miserable without him controlling my every move. (Weird, right? That I would be happy- insert eye roll here). Oh, and now that he’s remarried, she has money and credit for him to use up, so he can fund this stupid vendetta.

So, now I’m facing a battle I never thought I would. I honestly never thought he would do this, and yes, I know that’s naive, I should know better. How many of you have told me this happened to you? But here I am, shocked, totally pissed off, and intermittently scared of how the hell I’m going to afford all of this. Because obviously, I’m going to fight it every step of the way. Forever if I have to.

Eternal Leach

It is just a terrible reminder of the truth, a narcissist won’t ever really let you go. I don’t want to scare you if you haven’t left yet, because dealing with all of this shit is still better than waking up every day and having to see his stupid face. And I have a lot of happiness in my life I never had before or would even have dreamed of having before. But you shouldn’t ever think that just because things are fine for the moment that he won’t try something at some point. Don’t make my mistake and ignore the possibilites of retaliation from your ex.

Luckily, the Universe is smarter than I am and has been looking out for me, I am blessed to be surrounded by smart people who have already fought this battle and can help me. From advice on what I need to do next, to knowing the right people I need to talk guard. To all of you, with your amazing support and prayers. Even though sometimes I’m scared, I feel stronger than I ever have and I know it’s going to be alright. Its all about faith and courage, and I can do this.

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16 thoughts on “Never Turn Your Back on a Narcissist

  1. Beth Bischof says:

    I was literally saying “oh my God” to this entire thing and thinking you HAD to be writing about my life!!! Well except the new man part. Mine got remarried almost immediately, but refuses to leave me alone! He also has been taking to me court incessantly because his new wife has money so he can afford to. Thankfully the judge put him in contempt and ordered him to pay my legal fees, but now the rage towards me has hightened. He just can’t fathom that I’m completely fine without him and being alone and being happy just me and the kids. I think mine is actually MORE pissed that I won’t date! I feel if he hasn’t stopped by now, even with being married, he’s never going to stop. At least until our youngest is 18, which is in 7 more years.

    Stay strong and fight hard. Judges really do start to see through all the bullshit.
    Good luck ❤️

    1. Kim McCulley says:

      These woman don’t realize their being used to manipulate you? It will come back and nip them in the bum and they will learn, because he will do it to them too.

  2. Shannon Drake says:

    It’s a scary reality and people who haven’t experienced life with a narcissistic partner don’t fully understand. Everyday is a battle but better than waking up everyday with the enemy. The only way to survive is to live well and surround yourself with people who understand, support and love you. I didn’t think it would be possible to survive and nearly didn’t but my ex will never destroy my soul again. Stay strong.

  3. Shirley Abernathy says:

    Please win this battle and get your children as far away as possible from him. Forget child support and contact! SAVE them! He will destroy them. As much as he could not love you, he doesn’t even love his own flesh and blood. I know! I have survived, but, he destroyed my three children

  4. Carol Lamey says:

    Stay strong my friend you got this don’t allow him to control your feelings positive thoughts positive outcome fear is the outcome of the devil don’t give it to him.. plan your strategy and stay strong..

  5. Tracy says:

    Dear heart…I can relate to many of your circumstances regarding an ex who may be considered a narcissist and I too have felt helpless under his “power”. I have come to a place, however, where I have learned that the more I focus on it, the more I speak of it, the more I make it about who I am or was or what happened to me, the more “bullshit” I got. It took me two more years away from him to figure out how to make it stop. I stopped thinking about it. Ignore it. Change the subject. Do whatever you have to do to not give it any more of your attention. Choose to feel good in your thinking, even if it’s only about your cat, your kids or the puffy cloud in the sky. You can’t dissolve this by keeping it alive.
    I suggest to you to learn all you can about the law of attraction and how you may be perpetuating a continuous cycle all on your own. There is a solution and an ending to this for you.

    Be well.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      You make a good point there, thank you

  6. eva nylund says:

    My kids where adults when I left my ex husband.I belive it was easyer for me because they had seen their fathers bs!

  7. Carol says:

    I know exactly my ex Narchole husband is trying the same thing he’s insane and bankrupting us at the same time. I’m always the bad guy!

  8. Marcia says:

    Prayers and blessings.

  9. Kathy says:

    Yes, you CAN Samantha. After what you have already been through, you can handle almost anything.

  10. Helen Holifield says:

    When I left my narc i was afraid this would happen. I did everything i could to make myself seem completely boring and uninteresting to him. (Narc’s like fabulous, dynamic, amazing women! I turned myself into a mouse around him.) But I still had our daughter., and a key part of his ego is “being a good dad”. (However self-absorbed he is!) After reading “Disarming the Narcissist” my game plan was to always appeal to his ego in order to get what i wanted. “It was really awesome what you did with her (daughter) last week, you are such a good dad!” “She really loved that activity, it was so great of you to do that with her, I know it really cut into your personal time.” Etcetera. He no longer felt i would threaten to take her completely away from him and he got ego strokes. He felt like i was firmly under control again and left me alone. And i documented every mean and evil thing he did or said and sent it to my lawyer, in case of future need! It SUCKS to lie like that, but i do it for my girl. I want stability for her, it’s worth it to see her happy and secure. Good luck to you. Live your truth, don’t let yourself escalate with him, but don’t back down from your truth either! The iron fist in the velvet glove!
    Keeping you in my heart, sister. And i want to say that your blog REALLY helped me when my narc left me, for the third time, and i finally realized the truth of what he was. Thank you for your honesty, and your strength.

  11. Linda Marshall says:

    Did I write these words, I could have because they are EXACTLY what is happening to me. My narcissist however, is a physician with a long term addiction to opiates and alcohol. He has done horrible things to me in the five year divorce, tried to destroy me and tried to gaslight as much as he could with my children. The child most directed was his golden child, the one who entered medicine at the same medical school he went to. After five years of hell in litigation I finally gave in, walked away with much less than I deserved. My long time friend told me, it’s different if he is the one to take it from you and that if you are the one to say you are done at least you left with your head held high. I thought after the divorce was final a few months ago he would disappear but he’s still playing games with my monthly support, knowing I need it. He was is with an RN alcoholic, no surprise there, and even with her he still needs narcissistic supply. I have been in a long term relationship for the past three years with someone completely different from him and someone I can trust, who loves me, who understands me, who I can talk to, and who I feel safe with. I never had that in my 31 year marriage and it saddens I spent so much time in a toxic relationship and wasn’t healthy enough to leave. So this article makes it clear they don’t just leave, but on our side we need to focus on living well and taking care of ourselves and keeping that boundary line very strong.

  12. Funkidoo says:

    I love the timely reminder that I can’t turn my back on my ex. He introduced our three kids to his new girlfriend last night – he had to be with her for 6 months before that could happen. He dumped the last one just before they made it to 6 months, blaming me for making him choose between her and his kids. I suspect she had actually just become aware that he wasn’t what he was pretending to be!! However, this one must have some skills he sees that mean he can delegate parenting to someone else sonits lasted. She’s connected to the Girl Scouts (my eldest literally just joined scouts two weeks ago) and he agreed, without a single objection, fight, roar, physical reaction – to them all staying over at his last night. My suggestion – as I am in more control than he thinks. I laughed though because he said he’d read books that it wasn’t the best way to introduce them. He obviously swiftly overcame the better advice because he believes himself best at advising anybody on anything. Many friends have told me I have the right to know about her and ask questions and meet her first etc. And you know what? I really have utterly no interest in that. I will not play the triangulation game he played between me and his ex for ten years (and still going). So I spent the night in, kid free, with a bottle of wine and lots of messages with my lover that he knows nothing about . The kids and I have a great relationship where my middle one even said I should get a boyfriend so he can call him dad and call his real dad by his first name!!! And whilst I’m enjoying all this – it is good to be reminded that only two weeks ago he was accusing me of vandalism – after I repaired an unfinished job around the house that he’s left for five years – pacing around and threatening to move back in and make me homeless. Only four weeks ago he spent four hours refusing to let me speak to my kids on Christmas Eve as they were supposedly with him but he’d actually left then with his family. And I’m very aware that he backs off when he has another woman in his life but sometimes it feels like he’s regrouping to come out roaring again when she disappoints him. But way to go any narc survivors. They are exhausting balls of negative energy that the world could do without. I’m getting so much better at only responding to that energy for a short time instead of for a day. It is so much better to play the long game and extract yourself thread by thread. I have two major strands to go but all the others are strong enough to hold me up. I can do this!!

  13. Kim McCulley says:

    That S.O.B.! This reminds me of what it was like with my Narc. We have been divorced since August 29, 2018 and I haven’t heard from him. He doesn’t even know were divorced. He wouldn’t help at all, so I had to go back and forth to the court house for a year, then finally I was free of him. John was with many woman, so I’m sure he’s happy as am I. He was the Worst ten years of my life.

    I’m doing great, I went back to school and working with a savings account. I will never depend on someone else again in my life, ever! I will be happy being single the rest of my life..

    Sincerely,

    Kim McCulley

    1. Kathy says:

      Our stories are so similar, they could have been written by just ONE of us. The thing I find so interesting about your response is that you state, “I will never depend on someone else again, in my life, ever! I will be happy being single the rest of my life.” Many women deny themselves relationships again, as we fear having a repeat performance with some other man. That is both SAD, and rather “telling.”

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