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So, got my divorce decree today. It’s a weird feeling. Someone compared it to having a rotten tooth pulled, the pain is gone, but you still run your tongue over the empty place and feel the loss. I think that’s the perfect analogy.

The thing that has surprised me though, is the rage. Mine. At odd moments, for no reason I can identify, I am soul-shakingly angry. And if you know me, I am NOT that person. I probably err on the side of being TOO nice actually (duh, married to a narc for ten years, WAY too nice). But it hits me and I can’t hardly stand it. I have nowhere to direct it, I’m not mad at my kids or my friends or my parents or my job. I think it’s all the anger I couldn’t allow myself to feel these last few years. And it’s kinda freaking me out.

Honestly, it’s not like I have nothing to be angry over. I have been betrayed, abandoned, abused, by the person who promised to love and protect me til death do us part. And I believed that 100%. And it really sucks because I could have held up my side, with no problems, and been happy! If only… right? It’s the, “if only”. 

So I know, he is who he is. I wouldn’t be who I am without all that’s happened to me. I wouldnt have my kids, it was worth it even though it was so painful. 

But. 

But it still hurts that I lost SO MUCH. So much more than a happily ever after. I lost so much through the years trying to hold on to something that couldn’t survive. Something that I couldn’t survive. And that sucks. And that makes me so mad sometimes. 

Now here I am, divorced. Fairly unscathed for all I have been through. Mostly moving on with my life and doing pretty well, all things considered. Feeling fairly positive on a regular basis. And trying to find ways to move through my feelings, not ignore them or drown in them. 

Maybe I’ll take up kickboxing…

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15 thoughts on “Righteous Anger

  1. Robin says:

    I know how you feel. Married to my NARC for 36 years, Been dealing with the anger and abandonment for 4 years now. Do something..exercise..use that anger in a positive way. It totally sucks….the anger and pain.

    1. claire says:

      Robin I hear you, I made 31 and now I am so angry with myself for wasting so much of my life on something so shallow. Still, now I am free

  2. Carol says:

    It’s all part of the grieving process of the life/relationship you through you were going to have. Kickboxing is not a bad idea, as anger exists in the physical self, so as Maya says write, dance, paint it out. I wrote and ran mine out at the end of a painful breakup.
    This too shall pass.