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So, got my divorce decree today. It’s a weird feeling. Someone compared it to having a rotten tooth pulled, the pain is gone, but you still run your tongue over the empty place and feel the loss. I think that’s the perfect analogy.

The thing that has surprised me though, is the rage. Mine. At odd moments, for no reason I can identify, I am soul-shakingly angry. And if you know me, I am NOT that person. I probably err on the side of being TOO nice actually (duh, married to a narc for ten years, WAY too nice). But it hits me and I can’t hardly stand it. I have nowhere to direct it, I’m not mad at my kids or my friends or my parents or my job. I think it’s all the anger I couldn’t allow myself to feel these last few years. And it’s kinda freaking me out.

Honestly, it’s not like I have nothing to be angry over. I have been betrayed, abandoned, abused, by the person who promised to love and protect me til death do us part. And I believed that 100%. And it really sucks because I could have held up my side, with no problems, and been happy! If only… right? It’s the, “if only”. 

So I know, he is who he is. I wouldn’t be who I am without all that’s happened to me. I wouldnt have my kids, it was worth it even though it was so painful. 

But. 

But it still hurts that I lost SO MUCH. So much more than a happily ever after. I lost so much through the years trying to hold on to something that couldn’t survive. Something that I couldn’t survive. And that sucks. And that makes me so mad sometimes. 

Now here I am, divorced. Fairly unscathed for all I have been through. Mostly moving on with my life and doing pretty well, all things considered. Feeling fairly positive on a regular basis. And trying to find ways to move through my feelings, not ignore them or drown in them. 

Maybe I’ll take up kickboxing…

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9 thoughts on “Righteous Anger

  1. Robin says:

    I know how you feel. Married to my NARC for 36 years, Been dealing with the anger and abandonment for 4 years now. Do something..exercise..use that anger in a positive way. It totally sucks….the anger and pain.

  2. Carol says:

    It’s all part of the grieving process of the life/relationship you through you were going to have. Kickboxing is not a bad idea, as anger exists in the physical self, so as Maya says write, dance, paint it out. I wrote and ran mine out at the end of a painful breakup.
    This too shall pass.
    Take care of yourself. Xxx

  3. Jill Rasmussen says:

    I can completely relate to how you feel. I was married to a narc for 25 years plus 9 years with him before marriage. When I finally “woke up” and decided to get out, I was initially just relieved to be free of him. When the divorce was finally final, I couldn’t stop crying….the tears weren’t because I wished I were still with him….they were grief for what could have been….all the dreams I had had for my marriage. At the same time, I was so angry with him, with the way he treated me and the kids,with the way his narcissism turned everything so poisonous, with the deep and lasting hurt he caused. Then it occurred to me that if he knew how angry and sad I stil was, it would give him enormous satisfaction….I was still allowing him to have control. From then on, when I find myself thinking about it, I simply try to let it go and remind myself how fortunate I am to be free of him and all the abuse.
    Take care.

  4. Vicky says:

    I’ve been divorced from my narc for almost a year now and the anger I felt towards myself was unbearable. I’ve been through six months of counselling for PTSD and finally I’m turning a corner. I can see the future brighter without him and see that it truly was the right decision. The funny thing is he said I would be financially ruined without him but now, I’ve used my new found confidence to get a much better job so I’ve ended up better off financially now than when I was with him being made to believe I was a useless airhead. You will reach this point soon, it’s worth all the pain when you arrive in your new future looking back at all the important lessons he taught you, ones you will never forget

  5. Nicky says:

    I’m in the divorce process, the constant flashbacks & reminders of all that I endured & put up with, I made excuses for him when he didn’t ask me, I feel like I did half of the work for him in his abuse of me & maintinf that exterior, and now I’m trying to divorce him it’s still hell. I’m scared. I’m scared for my kids, for my sanity & for the future. I’m scared I’ll run out of money soon & not have the resources to fight him, I’m so done fighting already

  6. pianomommy says:

    Omigosh! Your final comment made my day! YES, kickboxing!! I took it up about 6 months after my divorce and it was the PERFECT outlet for all that rage! And, you know what? It got me in shape as well. Five years post-divorce and I am still kickboxing. Made great friends and got the courage up to try some other things as well – like rowing and sailing. Made new friends in the process of making a new life.

  7. erin says:

    Congratulations Sam. I had kept up on your blog for some time due to my own divorce proceedings from my narc as well. 10 years, divorced the end of 2016 and 2 kids. sounds fairly similar, doesn’t it? I just wanted to say that I am so proud of you and happy for the wonderful life you will show your children by having given yourself YOU back. They will know a happy, playful, strong Mom and thank you in the future for it. I’m sorry to hear that you’re angry and sad, but as others have said, i think you’re just still working through the grieving process so let those feelings come, visit and then let then move on, and continue to know that you’ve made the best choice for you and your children. That is what matters in life. You done good.

  8. Rebecca says:

    I’ve been with my current boyfriend for less than a year and am planning to leave soon. The problem is we live in MY house. If I leave I will be abandoning my own house. He has also threatened to get me fired from my job, which is a possibility because he knows my position there is fragile and the slightest sign of trouble will get me fired. I will not be able to find a job that matches my pay. To leave him and guarantee my safety and my pets safety I will have to allow my house to foreclose and find a new job and take a huge pay cut. Also his truck is in my name so I will either have to pay for that or let it get repoed. He has threatened to tear my house apart, get me fired from my job, tarnish my reputation with all of my friend’s and co-workers. He has drunkenly asked me to marry him twice this week thinking it will fix something. I am so glad to not have children. My situation is mild and has been very brief, but as someone who has dealt with severe depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life I know I can’t stay with someone who brings me down every day for doing absolutely nothing wrong. There’s just no fixing what is broken. I am now trying to be a gray rock, but it is hard. I’m so glad I found this blog right now. The situation is so embarrassing I cannot talk to my friend’s, family, or co-workers. So many people warned me that he was bad news, but I saw so much potential in him. They were right and I was wrong and I’m going crazy and have no-one to turn to. I can’t imagine how anyone could go years or decades living like this. It’s been less than a year and I’ve going to abandon my career and house to be free. I have so much admiration for those of you who have dealt with this for years and protected your children. We shouldn’t have to live like this. Why are they like this? I just don’t understand it…

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Look into eviction laws in your state/ county. If he’s not on the mortgage or have a lease you might be able to move him out and keep your home. I don’t know where you live but if your not married and he’s not legally allowed to be there you probably have the law behind you. Maybe stop by the local police station and ask, they can probably direct you to the help you will need.

      He is JUST YOUR BOYFIREND. Your not married, he cannot claim you or ruin you unless you let him. Fight back, you don’t have to let him ruin you!

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