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pictureIts strange to me how much more real this all is to me now. I have been wrestling with the idea hes a narc for about a year and a half. Sadly, my realization that he might actually be a narcissist came while I was pregnant with my second child. Talk about devastating. And I went back and forth in my mind for MONTHS before I realized the truth in such a way that it was undeniable anymore. I think I have only come to that understanding in these last few weeks, which is probably why I’ve moved on to the stage of NEEDING to tell someone whats going on in my life.

I cant tell my family, they love me and my kids and would hate him. While I totally appreciate that and know their support will be there when I need it, I cant deal with their pain on top of my own, or deal with the fact they would not be able to understand why I’m not leaving him today, immediately, right now. I want to, don’t get me wrong. But I need to be able to have a way to support myself, a way to protect myself legally, and somewhere safe to take my kids. Basically, I need to know that I wont lose my kids or be homeless. And I’m working on it. I have a great opportunity with my new job that i’m working on, but its still a self employed situation and I’m just starting out, so it might be a little bit before I have my ducks in a row.

Honestly, I’m terrified that I don’t know what to expect from him! A year ago I never would have thought he would try and separate me from my children, but now, I don’t know if I can be confidant in that assumption. Hes said things before about my oldest choosing him over me, and my youngest loves daddy as well. Kills me but I know as soon as they turn into teenagers and no longer think hes just the best ever he will dump them on me except for when its convenient for him. He does that even now with my youngest, since the baby cant do all the things my older child does. (5 year gap between them).

So right now, I feel like I have been thrown into a tornado and I’m just trying to re-gather myself and my life as I’m spinning through the air. I hate that his presence just darkens my entire life and I feel SO much better when hes not home. He has been giving me the silent treatment for 4 days now, and sleeping on the sofa, because hes mad at me that he cant go buy his ski pass yet. But the reason for that is our business just pretty much failed and I haven’t been making money for the last few months (he has another job, managing an internet sales center). Never mind the fact that the business failed because he spent all the money and never did anything to help it, leaving the entire retail store for me to run, with a newborn, and refusing to allow me to hire anyone to help since we couldn’t afford it. Just typing that makes me want to cry, because I worked really hard to make that business a success and gave way too much to it, and he killed it.

God! I hate this! I feel like he tricked me into marrying him, I was 18 when we started dating, he was 25 and not my first older boyfriend, but the only one I was ever serious with. And as soon as we were married, on the honeymoon, he just changed, and I was too young, too naive, too trusting and hopeful to leave then. I had no idea what I was dealing with. And it kills me.

I can see his Narcissism in everything now, even when hes not raging, even in his “normal” interactions with other people. I dont know though, if I will ever be able to believe in any other guy enough to really trust him. I dont know if I will really ever trust my gut with people again, I will see the worst and I never used to be like that. I always believed the best, and look where that got me.

So sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, like I cant do the things I need to do. Like something is physically holding me back. And sometimes I feel like I can do anything and take on the world! Today, I’m somewhere in the middle….

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3 thoughts on “Sometimes drowning…

  1. Thankfulness to my father who told me concerning this webpage, this
    blog is actually remarkable.

  2. Laura says:

    It’s sad but this is the mission of a narcissist… To seek and destroy! Please believe there are real men in the world who will love you correctly! Narcs are really sick individuals who are human shells that feed on others in order to feel alive. They are emotional vampires who tries to purposely suck the life out of you! It’s hard to believe that a person can exude pure evil! Seek help, don’t let this narc keep you from real love even after he’s gone. This still gives him some control over you!

  3. Sadie says:

    I feel like the last 13 lines are exactly how I feel. He tricked me with his mask. But I’ve seen what’s beneath the mask and I know the ugly truth of him. I see his narcissism in everything.

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