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Fighters-FightSometimes I feel like an idiot. Not for the things I do wrong, according to him. But for not moving fast enough, for not realizing every day how bad it is to live with him. For not getting out years ago.

And I know, its a process, if I had left years ago I would not have had any idea about what’s really wrong with him, and he probably would have wooed me back. I have a soft heart, I know it probably would have happened. So in that sense, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.

Maybe its taken me thing long just because I needed to let go of all my dreams and hopes and delusions about our relationship and face reality. And honestly, if I had left years ago, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I wouldn’t be as strong or as smart or as capable. I might be doing alright, but who knows…

I haven’t left him yet. Not physically anyway. I’m still trying to get legal stuff wrapped up from our business, and trying to get an income going that will support me and my girls. Emotionally, I am done though. I no longer envision a future with him, when he told me he wanted to get a Jeep in two years, I said “go for it!” all the while knowing I wouldn’t be with him then. And I highlight “knowing” because it wasn’t like a hope or a wish, I just knew that we wouldn’t be together then. Its a big step. That, and now all I hear are lies when he talks to me. I don’t believe a single thing he tells me. I know hes full of crap, and it’s exhausting, but at least I know.

Lest night he didn’t come home until an hour and a half after he said he would. He had even asked me to make him dinner so he could eat when he came home. I didn’t, because f*%# him. But I’ve been trying to play nice so I can buy myself some time to get more established. Maybe figure out how to make an income with this blogging thing so I can still be there for my girls and pay my own bills. But yeah, I checked him on our find my phone app, and he was at a bar near his game. But he called, an hour and a half later, and told me his game ran late so that’s why he wasn’t home on time. And he lied about joining another beer league kickball team, said his buddy paid for it. He took $500 out of our account last week, and then has the nerve to sit me down and lecture me (for two hours) about not making enough money, again! So, lies on top of lies, on top of lies. On stuff that doesn’t even need to be lied about!

But the very last straw for me, was this morning. He comes down attacking me because somehow we got ants. We have lived here for two years and have had spider problems, but no ants until this year. They’re all over outside and they followed the dog food inside because we have the backdoor open all the time. Its been a really bad year for ants because of the weather. Anyway, he gets all high and mighty about it, and I’m just ignoring him because nothing I do helps in any way. There is no calming him down. So, I go to the garage to start doing some  work, and leave him inside with the kids. He turns on my oldest and tells her to clean her room, and when she doesn’t do a good enough job, in his mind. He goes in her room with a garbage bag and starts throwing out all her blankets, and clothes, and a few toys that she left out. So I got mad! Like, yell at me, but don’t you dare take your shit out on my kids. She’s just being a kid! She’s only 6! I went out and took the bags out of the bins on the side of the street, and he came outside all mad, yanked them out of my hands and locked them in his truck. That pushed me over the edge. I let him go inside thinking he won, and went and got his keys and got the bags out, and then he came after me again. Yelling at me to “be a fucking parent”, out in front of the house, with at least three of our neighbors out. And grabs the bags back, so I pulled them apart so the stuff fell out and he walked away. It sounds so childish to write it out, and it was! It was childish, and I’m SICK of it. If I had income, I would be packing up today. And actually, I am starting to pack and move stuff to my parents this week. I’m DONE. It crossed a line, in a big way. He’s thrown my stuff out before, but today he was out of control and it was my KIDS. Like, what kind of monster are you? And what do you think your teaching them besides to be afraid of you? But seriously, I know he doesn’t care.

I’ve found out all kinds of things about myself in the last year. Like maybe I project what I want the situation to be instead of facing what it really is. Like how I can “forgive” (a.k.a. ignore) almost anything in order to survive, like how I’m so much smarter than I thought I was! And like how when it comes to my kids, I wont ignore that same shit anymore. And that makes me happy. Ironically, the more he tries to tear me down, the more confidant I am in myself. Its a pretty sick relationship. But now I see, the more he tries to make me feel bad about myself, the more it’s probably a sign I am on the right track to where I really want to be. The more successful I am, the more he tries to rain on my parade and discount my accomplishments.

I’ve also noticed that the day after hes been misbehaving (lying about his where-about’s, etc) the more critical and hateful he is towards me. And the more it bothers him when I don’t let it bother me. So, so much for manipulating his narcissism, I’m going to be me and if he cant deal with it, than tough luck. I will survive and be ok, because I always have, and I have God on my side. He, on the other hand, will no longer have me around to supplement his playtime income, and watch the kids, and take care of the house, I really don’t know what he will do without me. 😉

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26 thoughts on “The Last Straw…

  1. Meredith says:

    Could your parents not take you in? He sounds like he’s getting worse and, as you said, this is no way to teach your kids about a healthy relationship, healthy boundaries. I know it’s so hard to leave. Been there, done that. But if your parents would just take you all in until you can get on your feet it would be so much healthier for all of you.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      I don’t know, they have kinda weird living situation. Im sure they would help me get a place or figure something out. I have to talk to them. I know they will do what they can. Its just probably not going to be a lot. :/

  2. Cindy says:

    Don’t worry about him. He will find new supply in a nano-second. Probably before you are even out of the driveway. Because…that is what they do. They’re Narcissists.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      You know, I actually really hope so. Cuz in my mind, they would have to be a person like me to put up with him, and my girls could use a buffer when theyre with their Dad! Plus, then he would be more worried about showing off how well hes doing with his new family than messing with me and my life. At least, thats my hope…

  3. Marilyn says:

    Sweety,I understand it all,I am still in the same home ,divorced but have to live with the idiot,till my house is sold.I have no one to turn too.
    Oh did I need help..hell yeah …did I get any…nada from friends,family.He payed them all off.When you realise whats happening and it took me 36 years of shit.You just get it.I made a conscience decision to do no contact whilst living in the house.Since June 4 2013,not one word has been spoken by me.Its a hard path to take,but take it I did,he has done everything humanly possible to get me to react…but I wouldn’t and still dont..even up to two weeks ago,he took every bulb out of the sockets in the house,so I sit there in the dark.Does it make me angry,yes,will I show him ..not on your life.Try the grey rock method it may just give you some time and he will get bored,he will be glad to see the back of you.If that doesn’t work,plan everything down to the last secret.Never ever leave notes or anything he can check on,because even if you think he wouldn’t do that..believe me ..he will!
    Keep a check on your children and watch his actions,its the things you don’t see that suddenly appear.
    And believe me when I say this..when you finally leave …there is so much more that he has done and the doubts,lies you have had over the years.Its a sleeping beauty scenario..and you will be glad you awoke from the dream state to realise,it was a dream and you never knew the man you married at all.Its so painful to accept that your life was nothing to him but a play and he got to play lead part,all the while you and the children had bit parts in his film.The film Audacity or at least the name summon’s up every narcisists life of play acting.They will never get an Oscar but they have a the best nomination for one…from US!!!

  4. Den Lange says:

    I know you are leaving it until you have more money etc
    While you are with him you and your kids are suffering – every incident like this takes its toll on you.
    Keep on loving yourself, preparing for your move, keep focussed on that.
    I know it is hard, don’t even waste your time thinking about him anymore, analysing him, figuring him out, you have done all that. You know there is nothing you can do to change him. Now you have to focus on yourself being loving to you and your kids and creating a safe and loving environment for them.
    I know. I have been there.
    Keep taking the steps to create your safety somewhere else away from him. Keep taking the steps to put money away for your future. Keep taking the steps to love yourself daily, to grieve, to care and love you and your kids.
    I hope you can leave and start your life anew soon. Take care of you. Take care of you. Take care of you. Xxx

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank You! <3 Good advice for all of us...

  5. Divorcing a narc says:

    I just got sent a link by a friend of mine. Thank you so much!!!
    I don’t know what the legal system is where you are, but please talk to your lawyer friend. My concern is that if you build up your income too much before you leave, you’ll just end up having to pay him a bigger % of it.
    Also, a fantastic website (blog?) is http://www.cryingoutforjustice.com
    And a fantastic book is “why does he do that – inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft.
    Bless you!!

  6. Gonnaleavetoo says:

    I just started reading your blog today. I found a few pins on Pinterest. I feel like you are writing about me. Stay strong!

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank You!

      1. Gonnaleavetoo says:

        Hubby said he wanted to separate. For once didn’t put up a fight, say what about the kids, or ask why. I just said ok. He was taken aback. Today he went to see a lawyer, came home to tell me he feels bad for me because his lawyer says he’ll get custody of the kids because I suffer from depression and I’m taking anti-depressants. Then later today, he tried to get all sweet and say let’s fix things, I love you, let’s go upstairs and have sex. I said no to having sex. He went back on his rampage of I’m going to leave you and get everything. You’ll never get another guy as good as me.
        I’m just trying to stay calm. I’m not responding to his crazy outbursts….but it’s taking a lot for me to stay quiet, especially when he is trying to force himself on me. ;(

        1. Shanda Weinreis says:

          Wow! I really just thought this was my life. The feeling that I am not alone helps more than I could have imagined. Thanks

  7. Tiffany says:

    The financial control speaks volumes to me. I’ve known my husband is egotistical and arrogant and has some issues, but last November he essentially cut me off financially by opening a separate account that I have no access to, right before I had our second daughter and was going to be on maternity leave. Obviously brining it up EVER is a huge fight, and I was back at work part time 5 days postpartum. He said “I’ll never let you leave me broke again”. The more stuff I read of yours the more I realize my husband is a narc. It’s enlightening to say the least. Praying you find a way to financially support you and your girls ASAP so you can get out.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank you! I actually opened my first checking account in over 10 years (that’s just mine) last week. Its amazing how something so simple can make you feel so independent. Even if there is only $50 in there, I still feel like it was a huge step.

      Im sorry you had to go back to work so soon, I have been there as well, its the hardest thing ever to leave your baby that early. 🙁

  8. Carie says:

    ANTS are my fault too! Actually everything that sucks or falls short of his high expectations are my fault. Thank God we don’t have kids, I’m sorry this happened with your 6 year old. I’m proud of you for standing up to him on that one. I’m just diving into what narcissistic traits are all about. I’ve known a long time something wasn’t right but now it has a name, a definition & a whole lot of women living with a narcissist in silence constantly feeling that every outburst is their fault after all we’ve been told time & time again we are not enough… I’m still trying to figure out if it’s even possible to stay even though I know I’d be better off alone. I will never be in another relationship putting myself in a spot to repeat patterns I’ve banged my head against the wall over for 20+ years. Glad I found your blog, it helps.

  9. Britt says:

    Reading your blog, I feel like we are living the same life. My husband and I have been together over 10years. I was a sophomore in highschool. We married the year I graduated. In the beginning things were great… But with each passing year they have progressively gotten worse. I’ve known fir about a year that my husband is an undiagnosed narcissist. For years I really believed that I was the problem, that I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t do enough. We have a one year old son now and I’m at breaking point. It was fine before we had our son, I was the target of his disapointment And anger but now my son has to witness it & I’m not gonna let him wreck my sons world the way he’s done mine. I always thought things would get better… 10+years and it’s the same old BS. Keep your head up Hun, and best of luck!

  10. April says:

    I am going through the same exact thing. I’ve been in for 22 years… And isn’t a life sentence in prison 25? Not sure where you live but it is in Canada and I am 3 years away. My daughters are 18 and 8…so if I wait til my youngest is 18 before leaving that is still 10 more miserable years. Please take advantage of your parents and family to turn to…I don’t have any family left…I am alone. I used to be so upset with the thoughts of being totally alone on some Christmases when my husband would have the kids with him and his huge family. I am not sure I care anymore. I can’t do anything right. I am tired of being called a bitch and c-nt every day. 22 years and I have to get out… You are not alone! Sending hugs hugs to you and bless you for writing this.

  11. Karen says:

    God I love and hate this at the same time. I love that I’m not the only one married to a narcissistic husband but I also hate that someone else feels the same pain I feel. Girl, I’m reading my life (minus friends and drugs-he has zero friends and doesn’t do drugs). Hang in there. You are stronger than he is!

  12. Deleia says:

    I read ur articles and I feel like I am reading my life.. it’s scary & helpful to know the at least I’m not alone in this situation! I Thank you for sharing ur story!!!

  13. Suzanne says:

    This sounds all too familiar. When they can’t get to you anymore, they go after the kids to push your buttons and it works. From my experience, I’m still the target since the new supply is still in the love bombing stage. I admire your insight about the new supply being a buffer for your girls.

  14. Michelle Young says:

    Finally I feel I have found someone who understands. I’ve been done with my narcissistic sociopath for about six months. Six months ago was when I learned there was other human beings in the world like him. When I learned he was incapable of change. When I learned that when (no longer “if”) i left I had to smart about it. I refuse to give him his last “win”. Which is take everything that is me my belongings my sanity most important my kids. My situation is different in to respects. One both my narcissist and I are addicts, and second at a young age I was diginosed bipolar and shortly after BPD, and most recently ADD. All of which I now realize are things that made me the easiest most appealing “supply”. And ironically a huge part of what’s kept me “trapped” so long.

  15. Whitney says:

    Thank you for writing this blog. Its like we’ve identical experiences. The experience of narcissistic abuse (also physical abuse for me) has been so difficult to put into words. There’s so many layers to the manipulation. I emotionally detached a few months before leaving, three months pregnant with a two year old and no income. I did it all in one day; donated most of my possessions and moved my furniture into storage. He came home thinking the house had been broken into until he saw our son’s closet was empty. I stayed in a shelter for two weeks then flew to Florida to be with my mother. I soon realized it was harder leaving because I had to face everything that I had been suppressing for three years. I saw everything for what it was and realized my marriage was built on lies and deceit, nothing was real- except my pain. I’m due in 5 weeks and just trying to maintain my emotional, mental and physical health so that I can rebuild for my children.

  16. Shanda Weinreis says:

    I am so happy I stumbled across your story. I have been living this nightmare, almost word for word, sad as it is I knew the story and how it progresses before finishing the blog. Thanks for showing me I am not crazy, stupid,over sensitive, vindictive person that he is telling me I am. I am now in the process, and struggling to break away. Trying to provide for my self and planning how I can finally break free, without him finding out and becoming so enraged at me i fear leaving and I fear staying. Afraid of what he will do when I have all my ducks in a row to close the door behind me for the last time, and not knowing when that time will be. Wondering what I have to have in place legally to protect myself when his anger becomes uncontrollable and he reacts out at me. There’s such a fine line to walk and no one understands, I cant just leave I have to plan the best way slowly as to not anger him all at once but little by little get away from the whole situation. I am getting there and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I will get out just not sure when. I will not give up. Thank you for your encouraging words.

    1. RA says:

      I hope u all left!! I did… And 2 people were stabbed in the process. it’s scary leaving a narc but it’s scary living and staying with one too! Sending encouragement and positive vibes to u all xo

  17. I love EVERYTHING about this. I feel as if this was a book about me. My heart goes out to you and your children……always remember you are definitely not alone on this same road. Im going through exactly the same situation. Prayers lady

  18. I cannot imagine dealing with a man who would dare behave that way toward my children. You are a saint for not taking a tire iron to him (but I have a horrible temper).
    Having the resources to know you will land on your feet if you choose to leave shifts the whole dynamic of the situation. Having the finances to immediately hire a private detective, a good divorce attorney, and have the ability to walk out of the house without more than the kids, the dog and a suitcase or two knowing you will be able to have a house and a new car by the end of the week takes all his power away.
    I make sure that I am listed on all bank accounts, credit cards, titles etc. What’s his is mine and what’s mine is mine. (So when post affair I ran ‘our’ credit card debt to $150,000 he got to share in the pain.)
    Sad statistics – When a man divorces the mother of his children, he sees his available income increase by about a third. 75% of new welfare applicants are from mothers due to change in marital/relationship status.
    As my best friend said as her attorney cleaned out her cheating husband’s bank accounts – “None of his young girlfriends are going to find him so attractive without a penny to his name”.

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