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My Absence…

I haven’t written in a long time, I am sorry! I actually haven’t been able to sit and ponder things enough to make any sense in a while, and Im not totally confidant that this will make sense either. But I have some things on my heart to share, so here it goes…

Seems the longer I am removed from the Narcissist the more I see scars I didn’t know existed. I guess the main one I have noticed is that I am afraid.

The Fear

Oh, I know how that sounds, like I will jump out of my skin at the mearest shadow of confrontation or that my stomach drops and I want to ignore every text or call from the Narcissist. Thats not totally what I mean, though those things are a little bit true.

I am talking about being afraid to love people too much. And not even of feeling love too much or loving someone too much internally, but the external expression of love, of letting my partner know exactly how much he means to me, that is terrifying because that is power, and giving a man power is dangerous, right? Last time I did that, the man used it to try and destroy me because I used to believe that love solved everything. If you just loved someone enough and they knew how much you loved then than they would also do whatever it took to keep the relationship strong. Or at least to try and not hurt you. Thats what I thought and I was wrong.

Moving Forward

So what now then? Never love again? I cant do that. I need more than just myself, I need a partner. Thats how I was made, in my soul. And I know that goes against everything that feminism and our culture tells us, but having someone to love and care about and build a life with makes me happy. And not having that makes me feel like there is a huge hole in my life. (That hole was there while I was married as well since he never wanted to be partners.) Humans are made for community and to be companions to each other, not to be alone. And thats okay, as long as we respect each other. So no, staying on my own and never loving someone again isn’t the answer.

Actually, I am not even sure I have the answer, maybe just becoming aware of the problem and my own need to self protect is the start. It takes a lot of courage to share your vulnerabilities with someone, even someone you love. And the risk of them not understanding the way that you want them to is high (in my mind). Because how could anyone fully express what they feel, and how could anyone else fully understand it?

A New Life

Having this blog has ended up being far more than I ever expected. Sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure because I am only one woman and I dont have all the answers. I dont want to mislead or trick anyone. And I guess I have maybe disappointed myself a little by finding out I am more scarred and damaged from all I have been through than I once thought. Being in a relationship, especially a good one, brings all my wounds to the forefront and I am forced to realize that I am not 100% okay. Which I know is crazy, obviously I am human just like the rest of us.

Trying to be “Normal”

Truth, I tried so hard to act totally fine I almost had a total nervous breakdown. Thankfully, the Universe caught me before I could really mess up my life irrevocably but it forced me to really look at my choices and how I was pushing myself and where my priorities were messed up. I am still not “all better”, because I am human and we collect scars as we go through battles. I will never be the same girl I was and to think I could go back is foolishness. That has been a hard realization actually.

I suppose I am still healing, and figuring out how to be who I am now. Which sounds a tiny bit nuts, but its true. I have a new life with its own challenges and obstacles, and its amazing and wonderful and tiring and stressful and normal. And Im trying to keep remembering that too, this is normal. No one has it easy, we all carry scars, every one of us. We could have been anyone, and we would still have been wounded by this life. We aren’t special just because our wounds came from someone we loved. Most wounds do. Its the ones we let close to us that have the power to hurt us. Maybe our injuries are worse than some and maybe not, the true test is in how we deal with it, in how we grow from it. And actually, in doing that, we take the power away from our abusers and we win.

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13 thoughts on “Thoughts and Ramblings…

  1. Natalie says:

    Just WOW!!! It’s like you have climbed inside my mind and wrote down my inner most thoughts and feelings. But I feel less crazy knowing that I’m not the only one that feels this way and that this must be a normal reaction to what we’ve been through and that maybe we can overcome our fears, scars and invisible injuries after all, however long that takes.

  2. Carol Lamey says:

    To those of us who have been down your road, or parallel to your road understand this completely. The process of healing is just that a process. Return inward, we look inward. And by looking inward we look for our true self Define our true self and become our true self that we were supposed to be. And in finding our true self we learn to love our true self which is the process intentions. From my perspective 2 years out from divorcing mine after 20 years, the hardest hurdle is to allow ourselves to become vulnerable again and entertain the thought of loving someone else again. But in doing this it’s the ultimate growth and healing that allows us to do just that. I’m so glad to hear from you I followed you this whole journey. Have faith and have peace and have belief in yourself… much love and Merry Christmas ❤

  3. bellamariec says:

    that is so true, I have been divorced for 3 yrs and still things pop into my head of when we were dating or in our early years of marriage of situations I let go or ignored I see now were his true colors showing through the
    façade. I had no boundaries and pretty much let him walk all over me. Boundaries are the key, for anyone with children please teach them when they are young about developing boundaries so they will hopefully never be married to a monster for 23 yrs.

  4. INFJsoulsearcher says:

    What ironic timing you posting. I was thinking of you a little while back and wondering how you were doing. I don’t mean for that to sound strange considering were strangers but your posts are so real and I believe Narc survivors have a connection. I get where your coming from. As yourself has, I’ve come a long way from the day I left. I have good days and bad days for sure. I also feel I eventually need/want a partner to share my life with. It’s my nature to love. For now I’m to afraid to love again. To be vulnerable. I can’t do those things for myself right now. The damage and scars keep popping up. Triggers I wish would bug off. I end up pushing people away because I’m afraid to be vulnerable. But it’s not my fault, not anyone’s fault who has suffered at the hands of a narc. I don’t expect others to understand. Yes I may end up pushing good people away but I can’t beat myself up for it. I suppose I know deep down inside that one day I will be a version of myself again. It just feels like another lifetime away. In the meantime, I’m mourning myself loss. I miss her, it’s a long process which I’m learning to be very understanding and patient with myself. As much as it seems like there is no version of a life without this experience attached, I strongly believe there can be a life with the new version of me strongly attached to over power. Free to love and trust again. Able to find “healthy/normal” love. No matter what, we are love! We just need to believe in ourselves and our strengths. That is why the Narc picked us in the first place. We are everything they can never be. They may have brain washed us to their level so to speak but in doing so we are put on the track to become stronger and the best version of ourselves ever imagined! We will wholeheartedly love ourselves and others again! One day! Thank-you so much for being love and vulnerable with us ❤️ xxxxx

  5. Cindy says:

    You are not alone! You’re at a new point in your healing and you’re doing great!!! (oh…and just in case you need to hear it…you’re not crazy! That’s what I had people tell me over and over again during my divorce from a narcissist.)

  6. Tracy says:

    Raw and honest…beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps <3

  7. Donna says:

    I understand what your saying, I find myself being more of a loner because it’s easier to put a wall up then to let myself get hurt again. I’ve even found myself pulling away from my adult children.
    I don’t get close to people anymore.
    I’ve been married 32 years and been through a lot of mind games, and stress.
    My mind and my body are tired of fighting. I meditate more which has been helping me get through the day.
    I suffer from anxiety bad. But I know I’m loved and I really have to remind myself everyday. I enjoy being with the horses that really really helps too. Horses are so wonderful.
    Thank you for your blog, before your blog I thought I was going crazy. I’m thankful for you for sharing and allowing me to share my problems. Just remember women are strong powerful people.

  8. Taby says:

    I can totally relate to everything you just wrote. I made the decision to divorce my narcissistic abusive husband and it was finalized in April of 2011. My abuse originally started from my mother. She controlled everyone in the house and kept all of my siblings separated and arguing amongst ourselves. Boys never got in trouble for anything and never had to do anything and me and my sister were basically the slaves of the house. And I’m not exaggerating. That’s how I fell into the relationship with my husband. When I finally got the strength up to leave him I was going teen counseling and continue for another two years total of 3. I was doing really well was very strong, believed in myself, loved myself and felt very confident.

    In the following past seven years I have went out on many dates and I am today 50. I’m not bad looking at all and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. But let me tell you, I can feel every bit of your words and I wish for nothing but to have a respectful loving relationship and to get married. I feel from the past 7 years of my experiences that men are just out for one thing. And they will tell you whatever it is you want to hear. I don’t like feeling like if I won’t commit to a sexual relationship that it’s not going to go anywhere and they’re going to look for someone else. I’ve grown up I was raised as a Christian and I try my best to be what I’ve been taught. Nobody’s Perfect, and there is no perfect Christian. I have held onto my beliefs and it has cost me to not have relationships. Then I’ve given in and it seems like it only lasts until they find someone else. It is very hard to open up and share your feelings because the men are so guarded themselves. Most of them have been in horrible relationships with women who only care about their money and status. They think they know you and who you are before they actually do.

    I actually gave it another chance because I haven’t dated in probably two and a half years. The last guy that I was dating 2 years ago, was cheating on me yet telling me he wanted to marry me. So I gave up. I recently saw a commercial for one of those dating sites and it seems like such a goofy place to try to date that I won’t even mention the name. I was curious and I thought wow maybe there could be somebody good and someone that is real on there. I saw this one guy’s picture and I was so taken in by his face and his smile so I wrote to him he responded back and then he started coming and seeing me. I shared a lot with him, about my past but I didn’t go into details. I was having a hard time trusting him because he was telling me all kinds of things that seemed to be too good to be true for so quickly. But, we spent a lot of time together the times he came to visit. He came down to spend Thanksgiving with me and cooked me a turkey and all the fixings. He was so sweet and every time he came down he did so many things for me that I had never had done for me before. With him sharing his supposed feelings with me and even telling me that he felt like he could fall in love with me… I didn’t see him for almost a month one time because I was being a caretaker for a friend that had surgery. So when I was done we got together for Thanksgiving and a couple of days later because I was still so tired from not having proper rest for a month and he came down in the middle of the night from his job that we got discussing something and he said a couple of comments that really floored me regarding how he saw some other people I won’t go into it, but it was very disappointing and I kept rattling off and not allowing him to speak his piece and it basically caused him to want to leave a few hours later. He lied and made an excuse so he could leave. I text him a few days later and he said he wanted to take some time to respond to me appropriately. He basically said that I had had to be so strong and fight for myself cuz I had nobody that he thought at my age that I could never change that I couldn’t be a submissive woman to him. I mean submissive is in the Christian way with the godhead, if anybody understands what I’m talking about. I have been so hurt and broken because I have never been around someone that I felt so completely comfortable with and just went with it because of how he made me feel and the things he was saying to me. I actually have very strong feelings for him, which is very strange to me, I can’t believe it happened and so quickly. I was wrong and how I took over the conversation and I apologized a couple of times. One way before he left and the other a few days later and a text and then that was his reply back to me. I’ve been trying to pray to God about it because I don’t know if I’m not supposed to he with him or if I’m supposed to reach out. I am in so much pain right now that I can’t stand it. After that message he sent I went to my sisters in another state and he text me at the end of my week there. Telling me he hadn’t heard from me in a week and wanted to know if I was okay. I played it off like everything was okay and was trying to joke around. The next day before I was driving home I sent him a text and said that I was sorry if I was short but then I wasn’t okay that my heart was broken and that I was sorry if that was too much. He apologized and told me he was sorry for hurting me and felt bad& he was sorry that I wasn’t well. I responded back with please don’t respond back until I can respond back to you. I’m very emotional and don’t want this conversation to end in a bad way. I told him that to please not say that I’m not well. That it doesn’t go over well with Heather comments that he is made. He responded okay. I’ve waited till today and I sent him a little short message and have not heard back from him. I don’t know what to think. My sister says I should do what I feel and so that’s why I went ahead and wrote a short text to him. I don’t know. I’m very heartbroken but at least mentally I’ve got it together a little bit better today. Talking to God all week is the only thing that has helped. I’m so confused and my sister and my friend know every detail and they say that he’s been giving me mixed messages so I don’t really know what to say or do. Especially when he acted like he was surprised he hadn’t heard from me in a week. I just hate that he made such a snap judgment of me when he really doesn’t know me, all of me. I also have fibromyalgia and myofascial pain disease and I think it came from all the abuse. I was telling him how my ex gaslighted me and in another visit he accused me of doing that to him by talking over him in a conversation. He doesn’t know what gaslighting is, he wasn’t being rude but he was being serious. I think to myself is this abuse or am I just being fearful and weird and he just doesn’t understand?

    My sister says I should go back to counseling, but I’ve been through three years of abuse counseling and it’ll just be repeating the same old things again. I’m praying that God will take all of the fear in any other negativity that still dwells with inside of me from what I’ve been through. The cost is high, and I just want you to know don’t feel bad for your feelings and emotions because we all go through that. Some of us heal up faster than others because we have had the proper friends and family support. I’ve pretty much eliminated any toxic and negative people in my life because I can’t deal with it and don’t want to deal with it. I cannot believe how I acted in that conversation because it is so not me. I was submissive with my husband but not in a Godly way and the abusive way and I never spoke ill of him to anyone and that cost me a lot of support. I don’t have a lot of people around me oh, I don’t know the majority of my family on either side because I was not around any of them. I have tried to create relationships but I think when you’re out of people’s life for so long they’re not really interested except to see how you turned out what you’ve done with your life.

    I have not been on here myself in a long time. Please keep writing no matter how you feel, it is helpful for you and it is helpful for us to. I don’t talk about this anywhere else because I don’t want people to see it on my social media. You’re not alone and you’re not going through anything that wouldn’t be expected from what we’ve been through. The best part is we are away from those toxic men. I don’t remember your story, I don’t know if you have to deal with your ex because of children period. But just trying to think of it like this if you do have to deal with him and he is a jerk do not allow him to have power over you oh, he doesn’t own you and he can’t make you do anything you don’t want to. You got away and believe me that kills him everyday and he will probably never tell you that he screwed up. But he will tell everybody else.

  9. Susan Fuge says:

    Samantha, I admire your bravery in how you are moving forward in your life and your honesty about how difficult it all is. I hope you are able to see a therapist? I truly believe in their ability to help. If you can’t do that right now I suggest watching Dr. Kevin Hanson on youtube or checking his books out of the library. Sometimes you have to read and listen to a lot of things and just start piecing together what makes sense and feels relevant for your circumstances. As far a building this new relationship, I highly recommend Dr. Sue Johnson’s books. I’ve read Hold Me Tight and it really helped my husband and I to have conversations about things we have struggled with for years. Anyway- there are a lot of answers out there- just keep looking and trying things. Most of all give yourself some grace! You have been through a lot and it has affected you- don’t get down on yourself just know that you, like all the rest of us, are a work in progress and we all can get stronger through the struggles!

  10. Bettinna says:

    Samantha, you writing touched me so deeply, because it made me feel that you were talking for me. It feels unreal to hear from someone exactly what you are thinking, feeling and living. I was pushing myself to move on but as I was putting myself out and meeting new people I realized that I wasn’t ready and actually I was in danger to be hurt, used and probably something worse. I left my marriage last year in November, this past year was a filled with painful cycles of my husband coming back to me, securing my love for him and as soon that happened, he will go back to his affair, it was devastating, cruel and utterly painful to be on that roller coaster over and over. One day I realized what was happening and I started to build stronger boundaries, got stronger, set my priorities and goals of healing and strength. As soon as I felt the first bound of empowerment, I put myself on the Online-Dating world and accepted my first “date” which ended up being a Smooth operator, high caliber, narcissist who was only looking to date as many women he could and sleep with them as well, he was a devil wearing an all perfect gentleman altruistic mask. Second date, another one with a different mask, perfect matching profile just like the first one. By the third date, I felt wiser and more prepared to “Knew Better”, he was a great man, stable in all aspects, peaceful, love his company, chemistry and intimacy, every minute with him was a bliss and a bound of fresh air. What went wrong is that I wanted more and I wanted faster, I wanted to be intoxicated to the point of forgetting my past and my hurt, maybe if he was more forward and reassuring with his feelings, I could move on faster and I will finally have it all, all I deserved it, fast, pronto, now…but he was a normal, simple man, he had no rush and the way he do things wasn’t chaotic like my husband, he wasn’t like him in any way…This is when I realized the truth…I am still in love with my husband, as hard & crazy that sounds. I do KNOW I don’t want to be with him ever again. I don’t feel like I can ever take him back. I discovered that I deserved to be loved and to be with a partner with the same caliber as me, I deserve to be the world to someone and be loved, respected and treasured. How he looks and acts now is repulsive to me, but still love the man I married, the man he took away from me, from us. I am also very scarred, scared and raw inside. I have learned positive things this year and don’t want to spend any time on the negative. I am stronger in all aspects, wiser beyond words and have achieved great things personally and professionally but the healing process takes time, a long time, so I decided to wait, to be with myself and to keep discovering the path to peace, I was granted the virtue of Patience by birth, It is time to use it effectively and on me. Thank you for sharing your experience and for giving many of us a voice.

  11. Angela Hillis says:

    It IS absolutely terrifying to move on, but you wait for the person who will listen to you. I waited a long time to start again, and I have been lucky enough to find someone who understands the difference between ‘bitching’ about an ex, and communicating your fears. He is patient, and kind, and is helping me learn to trust again. There are some scars that we can’t heal on our own, not fully. But we can’t heal at all if we don’t learn the difference between reality, and our conditioned responses. We’ll be recovering our whole lives, but as long as we are patient with ourselves, each day will get easier. Remember that by sharing your feelings and experiences, you’re helping a lot of women – yourself included.

  12. Angie says:

    Right there with you. Learning we have scars we didn’t even realize…in a healthy relationship and sometimes just crying because my response to my new SO is all about my ex. Rediscovering how to be me. It’s all so scary and beautiful and hard. Best wishes to you on your journey.

  13. Pam says:

    I just found your site today, and wanted to tell you thank you. I’ve been reading and crying for 2 hours now and I’m just happy not to feel alone. I’ve been with my narcissist for 17 years and we have a 12 yo daughter. I need to leave for my mental health and my daughters, but I’m afraid what he will do when I do. He’s threatened several times he will take her away from me if I leave him because I’m mentally unstable (now that’s a laugh compared to him). I’m slowly putting an escape plan together, but I’m afraid he’s found another supply and may be thinking about kicking me out. Ah the constant eggshells of living with a narcissist. Again, just wanted to thank you for putting your story out there. I can see by the comments it’s helped a lot of people like me.

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