Home » narcissist » Thoughts and Ramblings…

SHARE WITH FRIENDS:  
          

My Absense…

I haven’t written in a long time, I am sorry! I actually haven’t been able to sit and ponder things enough to make any sense in a while, and Im not totally confidant that this will make sense either. But I have some things on my heart to share, so here it goes…

Seems the longer I am removed from the Narcissist the more I see scars I didn’t know existed. I guess the main one I have noticed is that I am afraid.

The Fear

Oh, I know how that sounds, like I will jump out of my skin at the mearest shadow of confrontation or that my stomach drops and I want to ignore every text or call from the Narcissist. Thats not totally what I mean, though those things are a little bit true.

I am talking about being afraid to love people too much. And not even of feeling love too much or loving someone too much internally, but the external expression of love, of letting my partner know exactly how much he means to me, that is terrifying because that is power, and giving a man power is dangerous, right? Last time I did that, the man used it to try and destroy me because I used to believe that love solved everything. If you just loved someone enough and they knew how much you loved then than they would also do whatever it took to keep the relationship strong. Or at least to try and not hurt you. Thats what I thought and I was wrong.

Moving Forward

So what now then? Never love again? I cant do that. I need more than just myself, I need a partner. Thats how I was made, in my soul. And I know that goes against everything that feminism and our culture tells us, but having someone to love and care about and build a life with makes me happy. And not having that makes me feel like there is a huge hole in my life. (That hole was there while I was married as well since he never wanted to be partners.) Humans are made for community and to be companions to each other, not to be alone. And thats okay, as long as we respect each other. So no, staying on my own and never loving someone again isn’t the answer.

Actually, I am not even sure I have the answer, maybe just becoming aware of the problem and my own need to self protect is the start. It takes a lot of courage to share your vulnerabilities with someone, even someone you love. And the risk of them not understanding the way that you want them to is high (in my mind). Because how could anyone fully express what they feel, and how could anyone else fully understand it?

A New Life

Having this blog has ended up being far more than I ever expected. Sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure because I am only one woman and I dont have all the answers. I dont want to mislead or trick anyone. And I guess I have maybe disappointed myself a little by finding out I am more scarred and damaged from all I have been through than I once thought. Being in a relationship, especially a good one, brings all my wounds to the forefront and I am forced to realize that I am not 100% okay. Which I know is crazy, obviously I am human just like the rest of us.

Trying to be “Normal”

Truth, I tried so hard to act totally fine I almost had a total nervous breakdown. Thankfully, the Universe caught me before I could really mess up my life irrevocably but it forced me to really look at my choices and how I was pushing myself and where my priorities were messed up. I am still not “all better”, because I am human and we collect scars as we go through battles. I will never be the same girl I was and to think I could go back is foolishness. That has been a hard realization actually.

I suppose I am still healing, and figuring out how to be who I am now. Which sounds a tiny bit nuts, but its true. I have a new life with its own challenges and obstacles, and its amazing and wonderful and tiring and stressful and normal. And Im trying to keep remembering that too, this is normal. No one has it easy, we all carry scars, every one of us. We could have been anyone, and we would still have been wounded by this life. We aren’t special just because our wounds came from someone we loved. Most wounds do. Its the ones we let close to us that have the power to hurt us. Maybe our injuries are worse than some and maybe not, the true test is in how we deal with it, in how we grow from it. And actually, in doing that, we take the power away from our abusers and we win.

 

JOIN OUR COMMUNITY
Join over 2,500 visitors who are receiving our newsletter and learn how to rebuild, resist, and avoid Narcissists in your life
We hate spam. Your email address will not be sold or shared with anyone else.

Article By :

Leave a Reply

Archives