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Surviving the Holidays with a NarcissistSurviving the Holidays with a Narcissist

~Made it! Christmas is over, and I don’t feel wrecked after the holiday. Sure, it was a little disappointing, as usual. In fact, I have been reflecting and reading others experiences today, and Christmas has gotten progressively more depressing ever since I got engaged. Oddly, I always blamed it on working retail and being insanely busy in December, or not having the money to really celebrate and do gifts like I would like to. But after this Christmas, I realize, that’s not what makes it sad for me. Its the simple fact that I am invisible on this day. There’s no one taking the time to really think of me, and what I might like, no one doing anything to make ME feel special. And really, that’s huge this time of year. Its what we all really want.

Honestly, family gives you “couple” gifts, and friends don’t always exchange gifts, (and lets be honest, if your in a relationship with a narc, you don’t have that many friends). Kids are kids and their gifts are usually directed by the other parent. So if your partner is a narcissist, you can expect to stuff your own stocking, get ridiculous gifts from your kids, and nothing or very basic stuff from your spouse. And it sucks. Not because I’m obsessed with getting stuff, but because no one is putting any thought or love into choosing something for you. When your probably doing all you can to think of awesome, fun gifts for everyone else.

On top of that, the narc will likely be barking at the kids for not performing up to his standards on Christmas Morning. Heaven forbid the amazing expensive toy he bought them isn’t the favorite of the morning. And when you go to the extended families home, he will continue to make it all about him and what he thinks and wants. Period. And so, the narc will suck all the relaxation and joy out of the day, as they always do on any day that’s supposed to be about others, holidays, birthdays, births, deaths, it doesn’t matter. Their drama and their actions take over the events and pull all the attention to themselves.

So, I for one am really glad the holiday is over. And I am also really glad I have realized whats been sucking all the fun out of the season for me. I can now start to plan around his moods and make it fun again next year. In the mean time, here are some of the great articles I found:

How-to-Survive-the-Holidays-with-a-Narcissist

How to Make Christmas Special for your Kids, Dispite the Nacissist

Another Article About Making Christmas Special for the Kids

Top Ten Reasons Narcissists are WONDEFUL at the Holidays… 

Narcissists and Seasonal Discard

How to Manage Narcissistic Behavior During the Holidays 

~

I also just want to say, to anyone whose been reading the rest of my blog, I have a mild narc in my life. I know this. Maybe its worse for me then another because I am an HSP and an Empath, but still, hes not as dangerous as others. There are many of you who are stuck with an aggressive Malignant Psychopathic Narcissist, who isn’t concerned with the perceptions of society as far as you are concerned. You are in physical danger and I know my situation pales in comparison to yours.

On most days, I know I can actually control my narcissist by using his traits against him, whereas others are not so lucky. I am aware that I am in an unhealthy, psychologically damaging relationship, and will never find love or companionship with him. The realization of this makes me desperately sad, however, I am also so much stronger and smarter than I knew or ever gave myself credit for, and I’m rebuilding myself more every day. Knowing the problem is his, and not mine, is liberating, however the damage hes done over the years is insidious and far reaching, as evidenced by my lack of understanding of why Christmas has gotten worse, until this year. There are light-bulb moments weekly, chasing the shadows out of my mind and letting me see where hes changed my perception of reality.

I know our relationship is heading for divorce, and not a lifetime of togetherness, like I assumed it was when we married. That is heartbreaking. But, I also know I need to be ready in so many ways I am not yet. So I suppose this is my disclaimer. I’m regaining my life, even though he is still in it. And when I get to the point of knowing divorce is the next step, I will be fully prepared to handle it aggressively and productively, so he cant take advantage of me anymore. I am continuing to learn and study and research about narcissism, and how to leave, what to do, and how to protect myself. Ill share everything I can with you. Because I believe escaping the narcissist is SO much more than just walking away, you have to reclaim yourself, heal your mind, and become whole again. That’s the only way to really say you got away.Save

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7 thoughts on “Tips for Surviving the Holidays with a Narcissist

  1. Shermana says:

    hi Samantha,
    I just wanted you to know that over the last number of months, I have read so many articles about narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths ….just trying to understand what happened to me in my own life.
    Where the person I truly believed was the love of my life, my prince charming and soul mate…was not.
    Realizing that he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing is a tough pill to swallow.. betrayal of trust is the worst betrayal of all.. but at least I know… the truth is very painful… but denial is worse.

    But of all the hundreds of articles I’ve read, and thousands of comments underneath those articles, yours is the first one I have actually commented on and can relate to the most.
    So thank you for your writing.. and sharing…
    I know it’s a very lonely road.. and the world just doesn’t seem to understand what you’re going through… but those of us experiencing this crazy-making behaviour…do understand.

    I think the reason I wanted to write to you is because of something you wrote in this article…about having a ‘mild narc’…and other people have worse situations… which is true.

    But…as with everything, there is a huge spectrum….as I’m also beginning to understand with all the reading I’m doing.

    And it reminded me of something that I read recently, which I wanted to share with you.

    “He’s not ‘all bad’….but that doesn’t mean he’s not ‘bad enough”

    You deserve a beautiful and peaceful life… as I finally have realized that I deserve that too.
    That I’m not this terrible person he kept very subtly trying to convince me of…

    I have just recently left my relationship…but it took a long time of preparing… of convincing myself that I was doing the right thing…. that it wasn’t ‘all in my head’…. that I wasn’t ‘overly sensitive’…and ‘too emotional’….
    And trying to convince myself that maybe it wasn’t that bad… and people have it worse.

    And even though I have now recently left the relationship, I’m spending more time than ever convincing myself that I did the right thing…
    But my gut feeling keeps telling me I absolutely did the right thing, no matter how hard it is…and how painful.
    And listening to my gut feeling and inner voice…is something I never used to do…

    And you need to do all the preparing that you need for you.
    You will take the time that you need… and listen to that voice inside of you that tells you, you deserve better…
    Your gut feeling about the situation you’re in will never steer you wrong.

    Even thought you don’t know me, I want you to know that I’m very proud of you for being so aware of what’s going on with you..and with this person in your life causing you so much pain.
    Many women spend a lifetime not realizing what is happening to them.. and convince themselves that being treated this way is all they really deserve.

    Keep writing.. keep reading… and keep listening to your inner voice… believe in yourself… and believe in your right to have the best possible life you can have.

    I have finally realized that nobody has the right to make me feel ‘less than’…..

    you are also a very good writer, and have a very relatable way with words.. and that’s always so important… to relate and connect with others..
    Just like your articles have related with me.

    Good luck on your journey, you’re more than halfway there with the conscious understanding you have of what’s going on…the universe will help you the rest of the way.
    keep trusting your own judgement, and be selfish..you have the right to be happy.
    nobody has the right to take that away from you.

    ‘sometimes we have to give ourselves what we hoped we could get from someone else’.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      Thank you SO much for this! I have had a pretty hard time this last month just trying to make sense of my life, looking for some direction, trying to hold things together day by day is exhausting and its easier sometimes to go on autopilot and just try and get things done.

      But your words have encouraged me so much, I cant even tell you. So thank you, thank you for reminding me I am good at something. That I can write and I can tell my story and that it might be helping someone else. For reminding me I am not alone. I cant even express how much your words have meant to me. <3

      1. Karina says:

        You are literally saving lives by using your gift of writing to share and speak out about this. I was so close to suicide and then I devoured everything you’ve written. Now I have an explanation. Now I feel validated for the first time in 23 years. I am nit alone and I am not crazy. Thank you. Bless you to the core of your being.

      2. Shelby says:

        I too am married to a narcissist. I am also just about finished getting a masters in professional counseling and a domestic violence advocate – if I knew then what I know now!!! And you are
        Right YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THEM OR CONVINCE THEM THEY NEED HELP. it is a personality disorder and PD is a lot impossible to treat as it is who the person is – it is their personality/character. And it is a learned behavior embedded from early childhood. There’s no magic pill that will fix it like someone with bipolar disorder or other mental illness can take. It’s much much deeper than a chemical imbalance.
        During my training at a DV agency I was introduced to a book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This book explains why anger management/batterer intervention programs do NOT work, gives unique insight into the thought process of abusers, how to recognize an abuser, etc. during his time as the codirector of the country’s first batterers program he began to see the real issue – the abusers. I highly recommend it at it further validates its NOT our fault.
        I am in the same process as you – planning and preparing my escape. Fortunately no children are involved and my heart and strength goes out to you. And remember it is a fact that on average a woman leaves an abuisve relationship 7 times before she leaves for good SO IF any woman reading this has left and gone back and left again ITS OK. You are NOT alone. Even if you are not ready to leave call your local domestic violence agency and take advantage of their services. Build a safe support group – it will make it easier to leave when YOU are ready. Only you can make that choice. Again YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

  2. Jennifer says:

    I believe I’m in the exact same spot. I know divorce is eminent, but I’m not ready yet. Emotionally, financially, especially regarding my daughter. The sooner the better I believe, I am planning for next year to make the move. It’s scary, it’s life changing for everyone, and I feel stupid for feeling sorry for him when I know I shouldn’t. I think it’s the empathy that I’m capable of feeling that he obviously can’t. He’s not horrible day to day but all of the manipulation, controlling my life, walking on eggshells, lies. I can forgive him, that’s no problem, but I’d be stupid to allow it to continue, it’s not healthy, that’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Life after NPD is starting to sound better and better.

  3. Dana says:

    I am so glad you wrote of your experiences. It is unlike every other article i’ve read about narcs. Alot to most of what you wrote is exactly what i think,feel or have been thru. I am still with mmine also and only in the last yr have i learned that he is part psycopath/full narc. I am 52 yrs old & have been married to him for 35 yrs, with him 37 yrs. And we have only had problems the last 10 yrs. Which i believe the change in him was caused by a affair he was/ may be still having. We have 2 daughters 27& 26. & 2 grandkids 5 yrs & 7 mo old. That all still live with us.
    It is now that he appears to be rubbing it in my face with the other woman(putting it nicely). Her herself is one of his flying monkeys and the rest of them are her family/friends. He has some type of monitering system in/around our house so that me,him,us can be watched. & i mean every room & outside too. And at all times even lovemaking. I dont know what the purpose of that would be. My suspicion is he/she/they could be putting it on the internet for pleasure/$. It would have to be our neighbor (her friend)who has the system. There are no cameras in my house bcuz i’ve searched but somehow, someway we are watched. He reacts with hand movements continuously & it happens no where else. He also has a gps in his work vehicle that we have taken on personal trips out of town to cabins/hotels. I recently just discovered that this gps can/is connected to “a friend”(her), & telks her where he is and that they can hear,talk to each other. I came by this info on the gps’ website after suspecting we were followed. So that confirmed we were. I have had a hard time dealing with all this. And he has everyone thinking i’m crazy. Its just not fair or right. And i sit here writing this still in disbelief that he could do this & that its happening to me.

  4. Jenni says:

    Hi Samantha
    I just want to thank you for your articles. I have been in a relationship with a narcist for forty years. I met him when I was eighteen and am now fifty eight. I too am an empath. He is an abusive monster that used to beat me to get his way. I divorced him five years ago after being separated for five years. He even manipulated me after the divorce where now I am homeless and broke. I had a son with him who is now abusive to his girlfriend. It breaks my heart. I always tried to protect him from his father’s out burst but I could not prevent it every time. I feel as though i have lived a wasted life. My body is sick and broken from his abuse. Of course no one believes me. He kept me isolated while he was the social one telling lies about me. Like you I worked and took care of the home while his free time was spent doing whatever. Mostly cheating and then accusing me of the same. Now that he stole my retirement he is around “taking care of me”. I know that someday soon God will take me home where I won’t be treated this way any longer. But the one thing I want to do before I go is to help my son not be like his father. What can I do to help him?

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