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I know I kinda went MIA lately. I suppose in some ways I was terrified of being all “I left him!!! Whoohoo!!!” and then falling on my face or going back to him or some total idiocy like that. But rest assured, that’s not going to happen. I’m cured. No longer the least bit interested in his games and I see right through all his shit (the jerk stuff and the trying to be “nice” stuff) which pisses him right off and is my secret guilty pleasure to make him irritated by not letting him give me stuff… lol!
 
I do think there are a lot of outside forces keeping me stable as well, living with my parents again for one and knowing I can’t keep ping-ponging my kids (ever again) for another. This was it and I knew it and know it. And I’m happy and don’t miss him at all. I seriously don’t even think about him that much, which is weird and freeing.
 
At some point, I’ll have words again. And I’ll have to write again. I have thoughts swirling in my head now but I don’t want to dig in and examine them yet. I feel like I need to rest for a while. I just wanted to let you all know I’m ok, and doing good. I got a job doing something I love, my little starts preschool this week, I have hope for the future, and I’m recovering. While still dealing with the divorce.
 
Love to you all!!! <3
Talk soon,
Sam
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10 thoughts on “UPDATE :)

  1. Kitisrad says:

    Hugs to you from another mother/woman who knows & understands ❤️❤️❤️ Stay brace, stay strong, & deck the halls -You are you again!! everything will be ok. You’re getting through this & im proud of you! I’m proud of all of us ❤️

  2. Carmin says:

    HI Samantha, I hope you doing well. Your update inspired me. As I too am in the exact same phase as you are. I don’t miss him at all. I think of him less. And I’m happy that he has a girlfriend. I know though that his doing to hurt me but the funny thing is I am happy because then it takes his attention off me and I can focus on healing. Just like you – I am strong but mannnnn am I exhausted. So for now my focus is on healing and doing simple things like making sure I eat everyday. Making sure I get enough sleep. Doing my hair so that I look presentable and just learning to love myself again. The authentic me, finding out who that girl is again before the narc got hold me some 18 years ago. And focusing on my kids who need their mama whole. So to you, to me, and all the others in our phase or beyond or just beginning…. Chin up Princess or the Crown slips.

  3. Carol says:

    Yep, rest up when you can, you’ve been working hard. Much love. Xxxx

  4. Carol says:

    Great news, great spirit, and it’s good to take time to process your thoughts…. carry on with life in the joy mode!!! much love…♡♡

  5. Lisa says:

    Samantha~ I am so happy for you and at the same time, I’m jealous of you! I long for the day to be free from my narc. I’m still waiting for my son to finish school (3 more years!). I keep thinking that I’ve lived with this for this long so 3 more years isn’t that long. Thank goodness for a wonderful God Whom I can tell all my troubles to and wonderful friends and your blog that helps so much! I’d probably go crazy without such wonderful support! Good luck to you and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

  6. Kathy says:

    If it were possible to continue to live with these men, none of us would ever leave. The truth is, no matter how much we might want to stay, we do so at our own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual peril. They can’t love us, or anyone else. The one I’m with doesn’t love dogs and cats, (nuisances) or his own grown children (ditto). If I were not physically disabled, I would be running out of here but I can barely walk. I have said this before but if you have any way to get away, and stay away from your NPD, do it! You have nothing to lose but the rest of your life.

    As codependents, we all need to know we can be helped. We have learned that all NPD’s seek codependents, as mates. They can’t be helped/fixed since their pathologies are too firmly entrenched, but as genuinely caring individuals, we can benefit from therapeutic counseling. We can learn healthier ways of viewing the world, and maneuvering through it.

  7. Sheryl Simons says:

    So glad to hear from you and that you are gaining clarity. I realized years later that I never could have healed had I stayed. Don’t know the ages of your children, but you represent a strong mom to them, even if they dont understand now. Blessings to all who travel this path.

  8. simone says:

    so happy for you stay well

  9. Kathy says:

    Good for you!!! It has made my day to see that you had updated and that things were looking up for you. I found your page a couple months ago when I finally realized exactly what my husband is (a narcissist). Over the last 2 years I have left twice, both times was around August to October, but was hoovered back each time. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never came back. I am now in the process of planning my third and final exodus. My husband is financially abusive as well, he doesn’t work. He lives off of his inheritance that his grandparents left him, to which I have no access or no rights to, so I am working on saving up as much money as I can from my own paycheck. I am so sick of this man, I can barely keep it together in order to make the necessary plans. I despise him so much for all the pain he has caused me and making it so difficult for me to be able to leave. Why can’t he be a normal man that I can just say “I want a divorce!”. It is infuriating. I am so looking forward to being free, it brings tears to my eyes to think that I will be able to be myself again. I am so conditioned to what he wants and expects from me, I have forgotten what being me even means. I hope you are enjoying your newfound freedom, and I am rooting for you!!!!

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