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I know I kinda went MIA lately. I suppose in some ways I was terrified of being all “I left him!!! Whoohoo!!!” and then falling on my face or going back to him or some total idiocy like that. But rest assured, that’s not going to happen. I’m cured. No longer the least bit interested in his games and I see right through all his shit (the jerk stuff and the trying to be “nice” stuff) which pisses him right off and is my secret guilty pleasure to make him irritated by not letting him give me stuff… lol!
 
I do think there are a lot of outside forces keeping me stable as well, living with my parents again for one and knowing I can’t keep ping-ponging my kids (ever again) for another. This was it and I knew it and know it. And I’m happy and don’t miss him at all. I seriously don’t even think about him that much, which is weird and freeing.
 
At some point, I’ll have words again. And I’ll have to write again. I have thoughts swirling in my head now but I don’t want to dig in and examine them yet. I feel like I need to rest for a while. I just wanted to let you all know I’m ok, and doing good. I got a job doing something I love, my little starts preschool this week, I have hope for the future, and I’m recovering. While still dealing with the divorce.
 
Love to you all!!! <3
Talk soon,
Sam
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13 thoughts on “UPDATE :)

  1. Kitisrad says:

    Hugs to you from another mother/woman who knows & understands ❤️❤️❤️ Stay brace, stay strong, & deck the halls -You are you again!! everything will be ok. You’re getting through this & im proud of you! I’m proud of all of us ❤️

  2. Carmin says:

    HI Samantha, I hope you doing well. Your update inspired me. As I too am in the exact same phase as you are. I don’t miss him at all. I think of him less. And I’m happy that he has a girlfriend. I know though that his doing to hurt me but the funny thing is I am happy because then it takes his attention off me and I can focus on healing. Just like you – I am strong but mannnnn am I exhausted. So for now my focus is on healing and doing simple things like making sure I eat everyday. Making sure I get enough sleep. Doing my hair so that I look presentable and just learning to love myself again. The authentic me, finding out who that girl is again before the narc got hold me some 18 years ago. And focusing on my kids who need their mama whole. So to you, to me, and all the others in our phase or beyond or just beginning…. Chin up Princess or the Crown slips.

  3. Carol says:

    Yep, rest up when you can, you’ve been working hard. Much love. Xxxx

  4. Carol says:

    Great news, great spirit, and it’s good to take time to process your thoughts…. carry on with life in the joy mode!!! much love…♡♡

  5. Lisa says:

    Samantha~ I am so happy for you and at the same time, I’m jealous of you! I long for the day to be free from my narc. I’m still waiting for my son to finish school (3 more years!). I keep thinking that I’ve lived with this for this long so 3 more years isn’t that long. Thank goodness for a wonderful God Whom I can tell all my troubles to and wonderful friends and your blog that helps so much! I’d probably go crazy without such wonderful support! Good luck to you and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

  6. Kathy says:

    If it were possible to continue to live with these men, none of us would ever leave. The truth is, no matter how much we might want to stay, we do so at our own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual peril. They can’t love us, or anyone else. The one I’m with doesn’t love dogs and cats, (nuisances) or his own grown children (ditto). If I were not physically disabled, I would be running out of here but I can barely walk. I have said this before but if you have any way to get away, and stay away from your NPD, do it! You have nothing to lose but the rest of your life.

    As codependents, we all need to know we can be helped. We have learned that all NPD’s seek codependents, as mates. They can’t be helped/fixed since their pathologies are too firmly entrenched, but as genuinely caring individuals, we can benefit from therapeutic counseling. We can learn healthier ways of viewing the world, and maneuvering through it.

  7. Sheryl Simons says:

    So glad to hear from you and that you are gaining clarity. I realized years later that I never could have healed had I stayed. Don’t know the ages of your children, but you represent a strong mom to them, even if they dont understand now. Blessings to all who travel this path.

  8. simone says:

    so happy for you stay well

  9. Kathy says:

    Good for you!!! It has made my day to see that you had updated and that things were looking up for you. I found your page a couple months ago when I finally realized exactly what my husband is (a narcissist). Over the last 2 years I have left twice, both times was around August to October, but was hoovered back each time. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never came back. I am now in the process of planning my third and final exodus. My husband is financially abusive as well, he doesn’t work. He lives off of his inheritance that his grandparents left him, to which I have no access or no rights to, so I am working on saving up as much money as I can from my own paycheck. I am so sick of this man, I can barely keep it together in order to make the necessary plans. I despise him so much for all the pain he has caused me and making it so difficult for me to be able to leave. Why can’t he be a normal man that I can just say “I want a divorce!”. It is infuriating. I am so looking forward to being free, it brings tears to my eyes to think that I will be able to be myself again. I am so conditioned to what he wants and expects from me, I have forgotten what being me even means. I hope you are enjoying your newfound freedom, and I am rooting for you!!!!

  10. Calvin Juelfs says:

    Mercy Is Better Than Justice

    Like some of you ladies, I grew up without a father. Last night I dreamed of him and spoke with his girlfriend, the one who took my mom’s place. I was a strange little kid, the kind with an unusually need to see mom and dad in love working it out, making love happen. I hardened my heart towards my dad, thinking if he acknowledged his weakness, then I could love him better. He never did and passed away a few years ago. I know now I should have loved him better, I should have really loved him in his failing.

    I read your articles, your comments, and my heart churns out tears. In the sobbing, in the unrelenting grief of a broken heart, the Lord collects the tears of both the abused and the abuser. Turns out my dad was beaten by his dad. He quit school rather then show up black and blue. He left home when he was fifteen. And I wanted more out of him, so much more.

    I could go on about my mom, my wife… about all the injustice. But I find the more I blame, the more compassion slips from my grasp. I did not overcome my fathers sins with love, instead I added to them, demanding an apology, as if my wound was worth more than his.

    Look at us… we are the body of Christ, the redeemed of the earth, we are the special ones, unlike all the rest. We pray for those who persecute us and we overcome evil with good. We grow in grace as we treat others how our heavenly Father treats us. We need to be merciful for a little a while if we are to inherit all God has prepared for those who love him, for those who do not return evil for evil. We must not loose heart in doing good!

    “O Lord, help our unbelief, help us love the unlovely, not to please ourselves, but you, amen”. James 2.13

  11. Rachel Dunlop says:

    First, I want to say thank you for all that you have shared and the strength and courage you have to leave him and inspire so many others. I came to the realization of what my husband really is a few months ago and just recently I found your website. I was in awe as I read through your 19 signs your husband may be a narcissist post. I felt like nearly every word you wrote was coming from my own story. We are in such similar stages of life as well, with 2 littles and being in masters programs. I appreciate your mention of how hard it was to write that post, I can only imagine. You also mention at times feeling like maybe you were the crazy one. I feel like it all is such an emotional roller coaster and at times find myself wondering if i am the one at fault. Reading your story and others has really helped me put things in to perspective. I am in the place now that you were when you wrote your posts. I am through with trying so hard to make this work and find the happiness that we once shared. I am realizing that I need to leave him and get my children away from the toxic environment his disorder creates. I am glad you are doing ok. Know that you are an inspiration. I would love to hear more about your story when you are ready to share. I would especially like to know what your recommendations are on the best way to go about executing a divorce with a narcissist and how to handle little children involved. Thanks again.

  12. CindyB says:

    Ok so I’m divorcing my narc husband after 29 years he’s already slandering me to any and all complete discard and he wants to go thru a mediator! I’m extremely hesitant as we have lots debt and equity of our home. My gut says to hire an attorney. Any advice?

    I’ve been with him since I was 20 never on my own now at 50 alone sad depressed! 3 adult kids that he’s trying to get them to turn on me.

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