I moved out last week.
It feels surreal to even write that. It was like walking out of a hurricane and landing on a quiet beach. I can breathe now. And it’s crazy because I didn’t expect that. I totally expected to be in a tornado of emotion and panic, to be scrambling and worried and defensive and angry. I am none of those things. Maybe the tidal wave will still hit me, but I really don’t think so.
I think I finally realized what I was allowing in my life, and that I didn’t need it anymore. I finally realized, like deep down knew, that it was over for me.
Do I still love him? No, I really don’t. I care about him and want him to be happy. But I think that’s because I’ve forgiven him (another thing that kinda blows my mind) and maybe also because I know he never will be happy anyway, so whatever.
Everything has been pretty amicable after the first day (when I just packed up all my stuff and text him on my way out the door, horrible, I know…) and I hope it stays that way. I also know the only reason it is like this right now is because he has definite psychopath/sociopathic tendencies and he’s hoping to just keep me in the wings as a little ego boost when he needs it. I am still his backup since I’m still the mother of his children. He knows it. And wants us to keep a “good” relationship so I can continue to be useful.
And you know what? That’s fine. I refuse to go on the warpath here and try to destroy him. That is not who I am, and it would end up destroying me and my kids in the same process, with no guarantee of success. So I am choosing to let it all go… At least as far as everyone knows. I can still vent to you all here. 😉
I won’t be talking trash on facebook, I might even throw him a bone of “Such a Good Dad!!!” every now and again. I’m not telling anyone who doesn’t already know, what a jerk he really is. If anyone asks, I will just tell them our personalities didn’t live well in the same house. They don’t need to know more.
Is this just another game and another chapter of being used by a narcissist? Yes and No. I have to look at this strategically, what do I want? I want to live my own life, in peace, and have my kids be as happy as possible. Period. So if I have to stroke his ego, and deal with his shenanigans, I will. I don’t have to sleep next to him at night or listen to him rant about the dishes or the bathrooms or whatever his pet peeve of the moment is anymore. I can play nice. And because of his new church buddies, it looks like he is going to revert to being “good guy” for awhile and help me out too (like offering child support and paying for stuff for the kids when I expected nothing).
I guess in some ways it’s manipulative since, in reality, I don’t want anything to do with him. But really, isn’t this just business? That’s what we are now in my mind, business partners in raising our kids. Will he be an easy partner? No way. I know. But he’s not my “boss” anymore so I can ignore what I need to and do what’s best for the kids at least half the time.
And all that aside, I have to live with myself too. If he ends up screwing me, so be it. It will only be financially (and we have pretty much nothing anyway), and I have family helping me, I will be ok. I have full confidence in my state’s custody system that I will get 50%, so I don’t believe he can hurt me there. (And I have seen first hand how blindly this state will stick to that even with plenty of evidence that it should NOT go that way).
He told me he doesn’t understand why I left, and I didn’t even try to enlighten him. He told me he still loves me and I didn’t say anything. He cried and I didn’t even react. And that’s super weird for me as an empath, but it does tell me how far past all this I am. Somehow in the last year, I moved on and didn’t know it. And yes, all the arguments we have had in the last few months have not made me cry or even made me more than irritated, so maybe I should have known I would be so calm about this right now, but I didn’t. I fully expected this to be hard. But I have finally, FINALLY accepted that his feelings are so warped, and mine have been so trampled on, that everything we ever were has died. And I have this sad, reflective but not depressed feeling about it. Like when you fondly remember a friend from childhood or something. It seems far away and long ago.
I’m sure I will have plenty of other things to forgive him for, he thinks he is super Dad, but he’s really not and I am going to have to try and balance two kiddos with him. I know that’s not going to be easy. And like I said, maybe the other shoe will still drop on my emotions and I will fall apart at some point. I’m ok with that, I’ve done it before and survived. I’ll deal with whatever comes. But right now, my little is upstairs sleeping, I’m about to go get my oldest from school, and I’m writing with the back door open and a nice breeze and I’m at peace. And I haven’t had that in…. I don’t even know how long. So I’m just going to ride this wave of calm as long as I can. <3