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Where I’m At…

So, I realize I haven’t posted in a while, and there’s a reason for that. Its not anything terrible, actually the opposite. I have realized that while at the beginning of this blog, writing about my feelings, writing about how horrible he’s been to me, was helpful and cathartic, it actually became really depressing and made me feel worse.

I have set aside the past, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to live there anymore. I want to move forward and live my life. They say, don’t look back, your not going there, I think that’s really true. Dwelling on, living in, constantly remembering the bad things that have happened, only brings more bad things into your life. You can’t move on in your life holding onto the past. Forgiving a narcissist is not something you do for them, forgiving them sets YOU free.

Letting Go

I would give you advice to let go, to help you. But I cant, because I don’t even know how it Forgive-a-narcissisthappened to me. One day I woke up and found myself hoping in life again, found myself moving on and not being scared anymore. I know I prayed about it, so maybe I got my very own miracle.

Is my life perfect now? No, not even close. I’m still finding my way out of the dark that had been hanging over my whole life. I’m still figuring out my job, where I’m living, where I’m going. The difference is, I’m not letting anyone or anything determine how I feel or think anymore. I’m choosing my feelings and actions instead of reacting to things. Maybe I’m stronger than most, but I really don’t think so. We are all powerful in our own way, we just have to believe it.

Where ‘Im Going

So, all that said, I’m changing the focus of this blog. I wont be here crying about my life anymore. I wont be here crying about how awful he is. I WILL be sharing about rebuilding my life, about being a strong woman, about being your OWN woman. Ill be talking about surviving domestic violence and getting out safely. Ill be here to advocate for women and to support you all in your own journeys.

I know this may not be a popular choice with everyone. Some people choose to stay in their pain. Some people feel safer there, feel vindicated there, feel like that’s what they deserve. I’m telling you though, you deserve so much more. If you let the demon steal your joy, even if you leave him, hes won.

Its in our nature to think of forgiveness as something you extend to someone if they deserve it, if they follow a list of things to prove their sorry, if they ask for it. But in reality, that’s not what its for. Forgiving someone releases you from the burden of your pain and anger. It does not mean you open yourself up to blindly trusting a person with your entire self. In fact, you can forgive someone and never trust them again. The two things are separate and should be.

I am not interested in spending the rest of my life wearing the scars of what I’ve been through. I’m not interested in labeling myself as a victim, a formerly abused wife, even as a “survivor”. To me, these things limit me and define me by my experiences. I am SO much more than that, and so are you. We go through bad things in our lives, they do shape us, and change how we see the world, yes, but they are not who we ARE. Don’t ever forget that!

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9 thoughts on “Where I’m at…Forgiving a Narcissist

  1. Shannon says:

    I think this is an excellent post. I need help doing the same and so will appreciate hearing how it goes for you. Best of luck and know that I’m supporting you from afar!

  2. Cynthia says:

    TY, this is the way I feel. Why pull stuff out over and over again, it is like the laundry is still dirty and it hasn’t been washed and put away. Either buy new stuff to wear a little at a time and give your old clothes away. TY.

  3. Sonja says:

    I love your blog! Your blog has really open my eyes to what be going on in my life for the last ten years and now with 9 children , 5 by my current husband who wanted 11 children! I totally forgot about myself and trying to figure out where to go from here! Thanks so much for sharing!

  4. shana says:

    Sorry if this shows twice I wrote and it vanished. Anyhow need help or insight PLEASE. Im in my thirties married to a man in his thirties. I knew him since grade school and hung out until high school before meeting again as adults. I never knew him to be this way as a child. I am at my wits end. Something is not right. I can never put my finger on it. Let me list some things out that are going on and mind you this is not all of them- is this narcissism?
    He was fine the first few weeks. In a rush to marry. I was not. This mad him mad. Ever since he has acted another way, a way that I find very, very strange.
    He constantly would break up with me, I mean weekly sometimes. Would take my ring back when engaged and he was angry and breaking up with me. Even once taking it off my own finger. Got married. Has many signs of cheating yet I can never have a confession or concrete evidence- he suddenly does the laundry now, hates for me to touch his, wont let me touch his when I used to and he never had an issue with it, hides his phone, wont let me see it touch it or answer it, always on silent, when I looked in it 1 time last year he had texts from 2 women- 1 at work asking him to get her a soda, mind you she never said what kind. Another from a girl from our childhood that I was never friend with but he was and he must have been complaining about me or something b/c her text was “im here for you if you need a friend” etc. when confronted he denied it and lied. Then when I showed proof he blew it off- just a girl at work he happened to be near her office b/c he did a class that day and she has his number b/c of work issues (could be true) and the other girl text him first ( i couldn’t confirm this) asking how he was and since we had argued the previous day and he was sad he told her he was not doing good eliciting her response. I have found a change of clothes in his car. He blew it off at first saying there is nothing wrong with that. Later that night said it was from one of the “break ups” and moving his stuff in/out. Then said he found it at his mother’s house. Constantly leaving and coming back. Which brings me to the noncheating stuff- leaving our house for a few days at a time almost weekly. Begging to come back. Will tell me promises that never come to pass or even promises of things not related to the original argument as if he thinks I want to hear it. Always has put downs/rude remarks about me not in a mad moment- like when we are having a tiny argument I might say well I cook/clean for you. and he will say “you call that cooking”. yet we are not yelling or enraged. so the excuse of i said it out of anger cant be used. Refuses to have merge monies with me as his wife, will not share an account. I work part time b/c i care for our toddler as well and when I am in need of money for our food for the month (i am responsible for that) it seems he can care less. He will offer sometimes to give me money but sometimes it doesnt happen. Acts like that is not his problem, its mine. Puts me down about that too like “you call that work you work 20 hours” etc. When this is b/c of our toddler and not having money for daycare ( i work from home) so there is a reason for it. that he knows. and the weird thing he does that really is strange is he will have argument after argument cursing yelling etc. and I will remain calm during each one yet the one that comes where I just blow up and had enough and i raise my voice or curse, he will sit back be magically calm and say things like “see how you are” “look whose cursing” or “your crazy”. He can NEVER put two and two together…. like “gee she finally lost it…thats why she is cursing” NO its always “look at you” as if to validate the last 10 arguments where he cursed. Never refers to himself as crazy though when he is the one cursing yelling. When mentioning not having accounts together last week he tells me very calmly…. well there was 1 time you paid a bill with mine and didn’t ask (I have his card number and pay the utilities with it and he is okay with this, finally) I said we are married and those are our bills that i normally pay with his card number and just b/c he left for 2 days to his families house doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for our bills anymore…he was referring to a time he left and later that day i paid the bill that was due, which I cant even remember if this is true or not. things like that in his brain that in mine just do not operate the same. I never know if this is just manipulation or an excuse to excuse his wrong behavior or is this something deeper like narcissism. Anytime I have an issue and want to talk it has to be on his terms and by that I mean when he wants to talk…and then its usually him doing all the talking and i get no words in. If there is an issue or i bring something up calmly and he doesnt want to talk he keeps his headphones in, flat out ignores me, etc. He knows this enrages me yet does it anyway. seems to do things sometimes to pick at me or get me enraged on purpose. I am at my wits end.

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      I think the real question is, Narcissist or not, is this the kind of man you want to be with? You could be with someone open and caring and not secretive and playing mind games with you. I don’t think it matters if hes a narc or not, he sounds like a horrible, selfish partner who will never give you what you deserve in a relationship. Dont try and diagnose him, thinking that justifies your leaving, or your staying. If you cant trust him, dont respect him, and dont like the way he conducts his day to day, you cant have a real relationship.

      I hope you can find the solution your looking for, I wish you all the best! <3

  5. Danny says:

    hi
    Just after some advice

    I was married to who I feel is a narc wife In 2010 we has a lot of troubles, she cheated on me one month after we married, stupid me forgave her , she lived in another country. We then lived together for a year totally toxic relationship , she then left a few times and came back. She then found her own place with her kids here where I live, we separated but still with each other every day. Then she got peeved off with something and put divorce papers through. We still saw each other, I was trying to work it out as I do love her. A year after divorce went through still seeing each other then one day out of the blue I felt see was cheating on me, I found out she was seeing a guy from her work. They are now together for nearly 8 months. She still sees me every few weeks to pay me back money every month for phone plans that are under my name for her kids. When I see her she always cries and blames me of how I treats her. To be honest I see she isn’t happy in that relationship either. She told me he has asked her to marry ( she has been married 3x already)
    I love her and want to try again. I’m learning things on what I did wrong in my replies and want another try. I’ve been told to not contact her anymore and if she feels any love for me over the other guy she may come back in fear of losing me. The advice giver doesn’t know she is a narc.
    Can you suggest any guidance with getting her back ? Or is this the most stupid move I can make seeing she is a narc? I love her dearly and want to help her open her heart to me but I don’t know if she will be willing or capable to do that.
    She sometimes messages me, and sometimes we catch up over coffee or dinner even though she has a guy, I know she hides things from people so no one knows . She has let me hug her affectionately and had her hand at dinner whilst talking , even kissed her a few times on the lips but last time on cheek only.
    Does she have any real interest or just another way to get supply?

    Hope someone can reply
    Thanks
    Dan

    1. Samantha Matthews says:

      She has you hooked and knows it. Why would you want to be with someone who will only cause you pain?

      1. jim b says:

        I have been in a marriage for 37 years with two adult children. The woman I married has always been emotionally abusive. both children moved away from home at 18 with my assistence. she then became much more emotionally and physically abusive to me once we were alone. it is still hard to describe what occurred in that house for those years after both were out.

        i ultimately left her and lived seperated but married for three years. it helped me heal and grow as an individual. we maintained contact over that period and after a difficult 6 months, began to respect and care again( or so i thought). while seperated i had no interest in initiating another relationship. during this time, i had a similar break with my brother. i knew for many years my nuclear family was severly dysfunctional. my mother who now lives alone in her only home at 94, abused me physically, emotionally and sexually. my father who passed three years ago was emotionally unavailable and also physically and emotionally abusive.

        it has been two years since breaking away from my nuclear family. i hold no anger with that decision any longer and feel the action necessary for my well being. the result of that action emphasized a primal need to preserve my family. i decided to reconnect with my wife and we have been living together the past year.

        most recently, the old patterns(which never totally vanished) have returned. the difference now is that i do not fear her nor will i tolerate the abuse again.

        the reason i am writing, is in response to you, Sam. i get why you let this blog go just as i had let all my anxiety, fear, shame, depression and ptsd go. i now can not tolerate anyone demeaning me. its been a long difficult journey but, i finally see the key. you mentioned it in your closing post.

        it was i who permitted people in my life to treat me in that manner. i allowed the abuse, the shaming, the manipulation. i give myself a pass regarding my childhood. i also give myself a pass as an adult and a man in his 60’s. its taken me this long to arrive. until one actually accepts ones self, truly accepts and loves oneself, one will not have the belief that one deserves more, much more.

        im glad you have also decided that you are truly deserving of so much more.

        j

  6. ashualec says:

    A very profound post. It takes great wisdom and courage to reach this stage. Glad you did.

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