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0ba91f791448182e69d9687f365936e0I don’t think I have been sick this often since my oldest daughter started preschool… I know it has to be the stress. Every day is a surprise, I never know what kind of night I’m going to have…. For instance, Monday, I was so sick, fever, chills, SO achy, and home all day with an active one year old. I still tried to make sure I got most of my phone calls made and did some research online for a new revenue opportunity, but just tried to rest and get better. And when jerkface got home, I still had dinner made, and did the dishes after (though I didn’t empty the dishwasher because, sick, duh, lets not infect the whole family). Guess what? Not enough! Apparently, dragging myself though making dinner means I have enough energy to finish cleaning the kitchen, and why didn’t I bring in the trash cans after they were emptied form the curb? And HE was helping with homework AND making sure the baby didn’t get into the cleaning stuff under the sink so he was SO busy and had to do SO much after working all day… So when I told him I was going to bed, (AT 6:30!!!!) because I just couldn’t function anymore, he went off and told me he just needed to do what makes him happy and that I needed to move out. Me. Move out. I need to leave because I didn’t empty the dishwasher. My God.

Course the next day, hes fine. No apology, nothing. Not that I would believe him anymore. But even so, no acknowledgement of his wrongdoing. And he never did empty the dishwasher.

You know, the mind is an amazing, adaptive thing. I can sit here and pretend that life is fine, normal. Go about my business not freaking out or plotting my escape or despairing over my situation. I can text him during the day and have no emotional reaction at all. And at the very same time, I can be looking at self defense classes because I’m not sure I wont need them and be looking for  good job that can support me so that if the time comes when he does decide to try and throw me out, I can save myself the trying to stay and just get the hell out.

I write down what he did to me, and it does just blow my mind. I just can not believe that someone would treat someone else that way. Its beyond my entire scope of comprehension. I feel as though I should be panicking or something, but I don’t have the energy anymore. The other night when hes trying to kick me out, I went to bed and cried for a minute, but that was more exhaustion than anything else and I just didn’t care about him, about being scared or worried, I was just like, ok, fine, Ill figure it out. I’m sure if I’m making less than poverty level I can get food stamps or something to help out, i can rent a smaller apartment, I can take the bus. There’s a lot of things I can do.

He underestimates me all the time. And that’s great, it will be to my advantage, because I’m not afraid of losing STUFF. I have lived with next to nothing (as a kid) and we were ok. Sure, there were times when we had nothing to eat but rice and beans, for a week or so, (cold rice and milk with cinnamon for breakfast anyone?). But we ate, and didn’t go hungry. We were never homeless, and I’m beginning to believe in myself and in God more, and to the point that I’m not afraid of that anymore. That’s huge, because he cant use it against me now.

And you know what else? I don’t think I will be without a car. He tries to make it sound like I cant afford our new car and hes the only one on the lease, and our other truck is titled under his sister. But we have checks going back to the beginning of the loan, to her, titled as truck payments, and I have him recorded saying the truck is under his sisters name so I cant have it, it might as well not exist. So, I think a lawyer would be able to get it for me pretty easily, especially since, as he said, the new car is in his name only.

Pretty much, if I can get a bit more financially secure, and he keeps giving me evidence of being a total douchebag, hes going to be screwed. I’m not going to let him steamroll me in a divorce if I can prevent it. And since I now realize its inevitable, and only a matter of time, I’m preparing. And I will be just fine in the end, for the first time in many, many years.

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4 thoughts on “You make me sick…

  1. Anne smittens says:

    Hi Samantha,
    I just stumbled upon your articles. They are amazing!!! Yes amazing. Why? Because they are so real and so honest. I wish I was as smart as you are to have recorded my husbands behavior. I was married for 23 years. Living the same life you are. The only difference is that I didn’t know there was a name for the verbal and emotional abuse I was enduring. It wasn’t until counseling that I learned it was abuse. I am now in the process of divorcing him. The abuse worsens as you try to leave them. They do unspeakable things that you or I could never dream of doing. I do appreciate all your articles on living with a narcissist. It describes all the things they do to the one person they should love the most. Its hard to list the things they do and label the intent behind their actions. Your articles do both. I can relate to what you write. Thank you for sharing honest details of your life with a husband who is a narcissist. It is eye opening!

    1. Anisha says:

      Thta’s the best answer of all time! JMHO

  2. Margaret Lee says:

    I can relate to all of this. I divorced my narc and went back because of failing health that was causing me to lose my business. My family won’t help me, probably because my mother is also a narc and too focused on my golden child sister who just got married and is now pregnant. I work with my husband too, his behavior is baffling to me and he goes to great lengths to make sure I look crazy in everyone’s eyes. It’s true their behavior actually makes you crazy, you are forced into survivor mode in your own home. He threatens to throw me out if I quit, he will not give me a raise ($12 an hour just enough to keep me from leaving). I have lost it on him at work in front of people due to his cunning manipulation and fear tactics and no one sees it but me. My 16 year old son wants to beat his ass. He works 7 days a week it’s so nice when he is not here. I’ve finally realized that I have to get out, it is such a process, it will take me a year and another college degree to be able to support myself. I am making plans to do so, and I actually recently got my CNA license and he told me, “You are going to get fired. You will be a terrible nurse.” I am so caring and compassionate. I don’t know how I am a byproduct of any of my family I am so caring and they are all so terribly cruel and judgemantal and dismissive. They don’t care about my son AT ALL. We have been through so much. And they completely ignore us. I wish I had family that cares in this situation they are so able to help and they won’t. My older sister is wealthy and I don’t even ask for her help I know she would do nothing. So I trudge forward hoping I can get my degree it’s either do that or leave now and live on a poverty wage. I have a lot of health issues I can’t do that. He has me right where he wants me. I am so tired of walking on eggshells around this man, so tired of being made to look crazy. What’s crazy is how he treats me. I am completely baffled that someone can’t eat another person that they are supposed to love the way he does and believe that it is okay. Oh, but he “pays all of the bills” so it’s okay. If hell is real, this is what it must feel like. Literally my health is suffering even more enduring this kind of abuse. I buy lotto tickets hoping I will win and can leave immediately. That’s the only immediate solution. Otherwise I must forge ahead through the despair and the depression and fear and try to get my education. This is no way to live. I pray but sometimes I think God doesn’t care or why would he not help? I’d rather be terminally ill sometimes than be stuck in this situation. The abuse is real and I don’t know how much more I can take. He had an ex that committed suicide I often wonder if he drove her to it.

  3. Kate says:

    I came across your postings when I turned to the internet looking for some kind of help and understanding as to what had been happening to me and my relationship with my husband. My boss was the first person to put the term ” Narcissist” to the actions of my husband, and I will forever be in her debt for opening my eyes…..and above all helping me to understand that I wasn’t crazy! I have gone through so much despair, hurt that is crippling and difficult to describe, and confusion as to how I could be so self centered and “stupid” (as he says), leading me down the path of little to no self esteem while questioning myself all the time. When I read what you have posted, not only do I feel horrible for you – but I was shocked to realize I could have written them myself! Thank you for having the strength for yourself, your children and for us. We’re not alone in this….even though we feel so isolated from the rest of the world.

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