Grief After Divorce- the Loss of the Life You Planned

*this post does contain an affiliate link
I guess I have been really contemplating loss and grief after
Accepting Loss- Grief After Divorce

The hardest thing, I think, to let go of isn’t a person or a home or a car or pet or anything else on the lists of things that are important to you. I believe the hardest thing to let go or grieve is the loss of your plan for your life.
When you lose something major it alters everything. Especially when its a marriage. Your entire world is flipped upside down. Everything you have, from your home to your friendships, to your relationships with people that were your family, even your pets and your job, is suddenly and irrevocably changed.
True being married to an abusive person does erode your self-esteem and your belief you can survive on your own. The reality is there is no avoiding the total loss that comes with a separation or divorce from your partner. It changes even how you see the world.
I think that people forget this when they say “just leave him!”. Even a good divorce is painful and difficult and totally life-altering. A bad divorce is sometimes even worse than a bad marriage. I think it’s very important to acknowledge this fact. And accept and forgive yourself for feeling the pain of your loss. Grief after divorce is normal and real, even if you needed to be away from the person you are leaving.
Confused By Grief after Divorce
Because we don’t want to be sad, right? We think we should be relieved and happy. We should be celebrating! Or we think that we should just get our lives together and be fine now that the abuse is over. But it doesn’t always work that way.

Sometimes we think we miss him, and the pain is horrible. You remember the “good times” and wish for him back. But its a trick of your mind and heart, because your actually grieving what should have been. You don’t miss being slammed against the wall and told you’re a whore or that he hates you. You miss the life you almost had, the one you thought you were getting when you got together. The life that should have been. You mourn because you think you may not be able to actually find what you wanted in the first place. You maybe think it might not even exsist.
Grief Makes You Human
I think the important thing to remember is that grief after divorce is part of what makes you human. It reminds you that you are still alive and you still care. You aren’t a psychopath just moving on to your next relationship
You might feel guilty for a million things, from leaving, to how your kids feel, to how well you’re coping. That’s okay too. Just don’t live there, if you find yourself dealing with guilt, look at why you are feeling that way. Examine your reasons for why you did what you did. Remind yourself of your motivation and forgive yourself if your execution was less than perfect. You were acting from survival mode and you did the best you could. If you need to make amends, do that after you have stabilized your own mind about the situation.
The New Me

For me, I have had to reorganize my life and my dreams. I have had periods of no future vision.
I have learned acceptance and forgiveness are more for me than for anyone else. And I have found peace with what all happened to me. Even though it was half my life.
Joan I. Rosenberg
I lost a lot financially, and it’s going to take me a lot longer than I expected to recover. That’s okay too. I have the chance to build a new life, and I am thankful for it. You don’t often get to start with a blank slate, and now I can create what I want.
New Heart
I think my heart is softer
Not to say I am not still dealing with insecurities and fears. I still have panic attacks sometimes, for no reason. Sometimes I still get sad, and wish I was further along in life. I still worry for my kids and my relationships and myself. That’s life, there will always be things demanding I feel. But I am learning how to deal with it every day and be okay still.
Lifetime Impact

The grief after divorce will probably never totally go away, something sad happened to you,
It has been 4 months since I left the Narc and in the past couple of days I have felt sadness and sadness for my 2 beautiful daughters. Reading your post I realise it’s for the life I thought I would have, the life I had planned for us.
Looking back at what has happened over the past 10 years there weren’t many good memories with this man. The first time I tried to leave 6 years ago was when it went down hill but he pulled me back in and from that day on it got no better just worse.
It’s not until your children are hurt physically and emotionally that you can put a stop to this abuse. For me this was it!
My daughter was hit across the face with the TV remote while I stood behind him and he still would not take any responsibility for this he blamed it on her an 8 year old. If I hadn’t seen it I wouldn’t of believed it.
My girls have witnessed a lot of verbal abuse toward me and they got to the point where they would record him on my phone while sitting locked in the car. I’m great full it’s over and I don’t have panic attacks or high anxiety any more. I’m great full he cant blame me for everything anymore and call me a fuck head or sick in the head in front of my girls. I’m great full he can’t hurt my girls anymore.
Grief is something that I hope will pass and I do want a life full of happiness with someone who respects me.
I read your blog last year, while trying to understand the darkness of narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I, too, left my ex-husband and returned. Each time, he made “efforts” to reconcile and I was encouraged to stay and work on things with him. And subsequently, the abuse escalated. I soon decided enough was enough, changed the locks when he stormed out of the house in a rage and fury, and filed for divorce. Seeing your post saying that you had left your ex and would update at some point was so relatable. Sometimes you just need time to transition into the next season and stabilize, without sharing a lot of details. I’m happy to see your more recent post and I identify with feeling joy within myself more than ever. There were some rough moments, but praise to God, these have truly been the best days of my life ever since.
Thank you.