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I’ve done a lot of serious reflecting on how to get over a narcissist and the damage left behind the relationship this past week, someone made a comment that has stuck with me, about focusing my energy and attracting more negativity (or positivity) into my life. (Thank you, reader!) It has made me look at my actions and my thought pattens. As I’ve done that I have noticed the Universe has been guiding me this direction for a while now. Telling me to start living my life and not letting others live it for me. Not letting everyone else steer my ship, not let the past dictate the future.

Lost in the Past


It’s really easy to get caught back up in the hurricane, even after you have left. If you have kids with someone and they aren’t a deadbeat, you’re going to be stuck with them in your life, in one way or another, forever. Even as you’re moving on and living your new day to day. I/we have to learn how to get over a Narcissist, or more accurately, what and who we became while we were with them.

The Narcissist still finds reasons to message me and be all high and mighty for no reason. He’s still causing issues. He is still someone I have to think about every day. I hate that, but it’s the way it is. I’m assuming this will eventually ebb away as the girls get older and the court issues are settled, but I’m getting off track here.

The truth is, I can still let the old patterns creep in, and the longer I’m in another relationship the more I become aware of my own unhealthy patterns that I adopted to survive the end of my marriage and relationship with a Narcissist. I still revert back to those same habits now, under stress. Somehow, survival mode became the default and peace and calm are something I have to choose. Happiness is a choice, after all. And while those behaviors were necessary then, they cause un-necessary stress and heartache now.

Thought Become Reality

Sometimes it feels like Im still broken; I am a successful, working woman, who takes care of her kids and her responsibilities. But I am still flawed in ways I hate, and I have to change. And focusing on my pain, and my hurt, and the past (because its OLD pain and OLD hurt- it’s over now!) only brings more of that into my life and eats away at my soul. Some things may take a while to heal, but some things need to be put away now, like fear.

A Wake Up Call

I’ve been letting life happen to me, and its been on my mind even as I let it keep happening. So Thank You reader, for being yet another voice of the Universe telling me to start CHOOSING my life and how I want to live it. I’ve been dreaming of my goals instead of chasing them, getting through the day instead of embracing it, living for bedtime or the next quiet evening, or when my girls come home or whatever. I need to take the moments given to me and make them count, even if its a quiet moment with a good book (Rachel Hollis is amazing, check out the book below) and a cup of coffee.

“Girl Get a hold of your life. Stop medicating, stop hiding out, stop being afraid, stop giving away pieces of yourself, stop saying you cant do it. Stop the negative self talk, stop abusing your body, stop putting it off for tomorrow, or Monday or next year. Stop crying about what happened and take control of what happens next. Get up, right now. Rise up from where you’ve been, scrub away the tears and the pain of yesterday, and start again… Girl, wash your face!”

~Rachel Hollis, “Girl, Wash Your Face!

How to Get Over a Narcissist

I think it comes down to choosing something better. I could spend the rest of my life reliving the same problems I’ve already faced, or I can choose to move on. After all, fear is just worry in disguise. The only moment we really have is right now, and right now I am safe, he is 40 miles away and he cant even talk to me unless I answer the phone. Right now, I am at peace and I need to choose to live in the moment and not live in fear of the possibilities.

So now I focus on letting go, and dropping the old things I’ve held on to, so I can pick up new, happy things. You can’t hold hope if your hands are full of fear and the past, right? I think, even with what I’m still dealing with, it’s time to move on.

Suggested Reading:

Please note that I may receive a commission from sales generated by the links above, however I have found these books to be helpful, thought provoking, and generally useful in my own recovery. Check them out from Amazon or head over to your local library!

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6 thoughts on “How to Get Over a Narcissist

  1. Carol Lamey says:

    So true, always a struggle to move forward until it just happens and there isnt any other way. Stay positive dont let go of your control!!❤❤

  2. SeAnna says:

    I just want to say Thank you…divorcing a Narc after 20 years. I have often said it is like being pulled through barbwire..He is a mascot for the identity of this sick and relentless condition of self hate cast on those of us unfortunate enough to have fallen for them before we even knew what hit us…I have (as the quote says) “gone through madness to find me”…and I have you and other women who are teaching and speaking the truth about this situation..I am far from healed…I am far from much…but I am strong and rest in the knowledge that women and men have survived…Thanks you for being a light in a vary dark place…

  3. Cathy says:

    Thank you Samantha! This was an amazing post which really resonated with me. I have been walking alongside of you in your process of moving forward and I am on the other side of divorce. I am exploring new relationships, lots of friends now and dating. I am reflecting on my own happiness and loving relationships going forward. Old memories frequently come up as and give them way to much importance! I know it is toxic and want to be aware that they interfere with me creating happiness! We are strong wonderful woman and can’t afford to have anything finish that! Believe again and go forward!

  4. Mary says:

    Thank you so much for your story! I have more or less the same and hope that with your tips I will be able to leave it in the past.
    Thank you!

  5. Jason says:

    My wife said her mom literally was like mommy dearest she would clean her room and her mom would mess it up and tell her to clean it again. She said her mom never showed her love and affection. My wife has shown all the symptoms of a narcissist and I think she hasn’t dealt with the way her mom treated her as a child. My wife got physically violent with me just by picking up her cell phone up. She basically blamed everything on me as far as our marriage. My wife is supposed to be a Christian and when I got ready to sign the papers I asked her what do you think God thinks about this? Her reply was I don’t care what God thinks. I still love and care about my wife but I don’t know what to do because I know she needs help. She’s either in denial or she knows she’s a narcissist and don’t wanna get help. When she came over to pack her things she would be like you wanna have sex? I’m a man so you know how that ended. She came over to pack her things two or three times during a two or three week period and asked every time to have sex. She manipulated me and messed with my emotions and as soon as she got the rest of her things she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I still wear my ring and while we were separated she wasn’t wearing the $3800 Levion chocolate diamond ring I bought her. I was willing to work things out and had went to counseling during our separation and I had asked her if she was going to counseling and at the particular time she said no I haven’t and then she said a little later her counselor said that we needed to get a divorce. Im lost for words.

  6. Samantha says:

    I saw this on Pinterest. I am in a relationship with a Narc at the moment. It’s hard, I have felt empty. We’re on a break at the moment because we talked about how hurt I was and how timing is off. It actually went really well. (I think) I’ve read a lot of your posts when I should be doing homework. Your posts scare me, they hurt me. Because I fear to be going through the motions. 🙁 but I’m so glad to be reading this. We won’t see each other for a few months. So maybe after reading all of your blog, I’ll know not to go back.

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